Dark World: The Surface Girl (19 page)

             
Evon turned around and walked away from me without another word. The others shifted their weight uncomfortably. I couldn't blame them for resenting me. I barely knew anything about the Order but I could tell they were smart, organized and careful. Now they were about to take incredible risks and ruin their secrecy because I had put my parents lives in danger. Even if they couldn't save them, the government will still know they were being defied. All of these people probably had families that were also going to be at risk.
              Who was going to save them?
              After the others awkwardly walked away I gently tugged on Reese's sleeve. He turned his head toward me and cast his eyes gently on my face. Why did he still look at me with such softness? He should hate me, too. I glanced away, but I had to voice my concerns. “Reese, why are they doing this for us? Why are they willing to risk their own families’ lives for our parents?” Reese tilted his head ever so slightly in thought.
              “Maybe your father has something they need or knows something vital, an item or a piece of knowledge that would be dangerous in the wrong hands. That would give him value, it would be worth it for them to risk a lot to try and save him.” Maybe Reese was right. My father wasn't the leader but he was obviously an important member of the Order. “My parents though,” Reese tightened his face. “I don't think the Order will be making it a priority to save them. If they've been taken, it’s my fault.”
His
fault?
              “Reese, no!” I hissed. I ignored my throbbing leg as I scrambled to sit up straighter so I could look him in the eyes. “It’s
my
fault, not yours!
I
did all of this when I escaped. People might die because of
me
.” I closed my burning eyes and didn't even bother to try and wipe the salty tears that started pooling out from the bottoms of my lids. “Even if my parents, and yours get to safety, people are still going to die.” Reese's arms curled around me and tugged me closer to him. My body tensed. I didn't want – no, I didn't
deserve
his comfort. I shouldn't be treated with kindness, I should be spat on.
              “Listen to me. You did
not
cause this. The government has been lying to us for who knows how long. We can live on Earth's surface but they've been keeping us down here for who knows what reason! They put people to sleep who aren't sick all the time. We've been played for fools our whole lives and when you engineer a lie this big, the truth is bound to come out eventually. You and I are just,” Reese paused and his fingers pressed into the small of my back. “in the middle of the explosion of truth. We're caught in the landslide of it and we just have to hold on and see where it takes us.” I wanted to believe Reese. I didn't know if he honestly believed his own words or if he was only trying to convince himself that there was a valid reason not to hate me. Even if the comfort he gave to me, the comfort we gave to each other, was going to fall apart in a sea of darkness, I still needed it right now.
              “What if it drowns us?” Reese rolled his shoulders back.
              “Then it does. At least no more generations will have to grow up like we did.” Reese would sacrifice himself for the future lives of others. I knew his words were honest, I could hear it in his tone and feel it in his touch. He was selfless, brave, and he loved with his whole heart. He refused to let the possible consequences of his selflessness hold him back. Reese was everything that I was not. I didn't deserve him but I still wanted him. I wasn't as good as him, but I still needed him. If he wanted to love me I would let him for the time being because I knew one day he would see me for the weak, selfish person I truly was. If the world was going to crumble around us, I wanted to hold on to love for as long as I could. Right now, it was all I had left.

Chapter 10

             
Exhaustion was still weighing down both my body and mind but sleep refused to come back to me. There were no programmed lights in this dank, chilled room and no way to gauge when morning was upon us. Every second felt like it stretched on forever, and at the same time ticked by far too quickly. I imagined it was like being stuck in a wormhole. I wanted my parents rescued but I also dreaded the mission with such an intense ferocity that every time I thought about it, a sinking sensation whirled through the air and caused me to fear losing consciousness. I closed my eyes and practiced
stillness
; something we learned a few years ago in the classroom that had to do with keeping our minds isolated to only the present moment; thinking of nothing in the past and nothing in the future. I was never good at this practice because I could never seem to stop myself from asking questions, but right now, leaning up against Reese's warm body and feeling his chest rise and fall with his slow and steady breaths, I was briefly at peace. One of his hands rested on my forearm. The top of my head was safely tucked under his chin. I had imagined moments like these in forbidden secrecy for so long and despite the horrible choices I had quite recently made and the deadly unknown that stretched out ahead of us, finally being free to express my feelings for Reese felt just like I'd dreamed. I didn't have to use words and neither did he. Our connection reached beyond the barriers of human language and beyond the obligation of Doctrine.
              A rustling sound caused me to turn my head as my muscles stiffened. The little girl was stirring. I didn't want to move or leave the comfort of my
stillness
but I forced one of my hands to press against the ground so I could lift my upper body from Reese's. I bit my lower lip as I watched her scramble into a sitting position. Immediately, her tiny little legs folded and curled to her chest. Her twig-arms encircled her knees. She sniffled, then covered her nose and mouth with her hands as she sneezed.
              If this child hadn't brought a virus into The Complex, would we all still be in the same predicament? What an idiotic question. Things were unravelling because we had been lied to, and eventually the fabric of any and all lies always unraveled. Her large blue eyes, seemingly too big for her head almost in a cartoon-like fashion, darted toward Reese and I with fear. My heart sank in my chest. She didn't know she was lucky. She didn't know that if the government found her before the Order did, they probably would have either tortured her, or put her to sleep. “Please let me go,” she finally spoke in a raspy, frightened whisper as she shifted her eyes to me and rested her gaze on my features. For a fraction of a second, the fact that she spoke for the first time filled me with joy and hope but realizing she viewed us as her captors caused my heart to sink even more.

             
I knew it, I knew she understood my words! This proves it, she's not feral! She's not a monster.
             
“I don't want to die.” The little girl could definitely speak, but her words crept under my skin and lit a fire under the heavy ball of guilt rolling around in my stomach. I bit my lower lip and reached for Reese's hand. How was I supposed to explain to her that she was safe here, or, at least as safe as the rest of us?
              “I'm sorry,” I whispered and closed my eyes for a moment. Reese squeezed my hand and I forced my eyes open again. He was trusting - maybe even expecting - me to somehow sooth her. My throat tightened. “It’s not what you think.” Her expression of terror did not change. “We're not going to hurt you. We're trying to protect you.” Her large eyes narrowed. She thought I was lying to her. “This place, it's called The Complex. I was born down here just over sixteen years ago and I've lived here my whole life. I was told things – lead to believe things – that aren't true, and I know that because you’re real and you're here with us right now.” I took a deep breath and kept my voice low. “I've never been allowed to go above ground. All of us down here, we've been told that after the invasion, Earth was decimated – um, ruined. The government told us that the air above wasn't even breathable and the only way anyone or anything could have survived on the surface was by adapting and mutating into savage monsters.” The last word I spoke caused the girl to tighten her arms even more around her legs. She was afraid of the word
monster.
             
“You're lying!” The child suddenly spat at me with an accusing tone. “
You're
the monsters!” I sat back with shock and glanced toward Reese helplessly. I understood that the girl didn't realize we were trying to keep her safe but the intensity of her words made me feel like there was more behind them than just her present perception of captivity.
              “What do you mean?” I asked fearfully because I wasn't sure I was prepared to hear the answer. The depths of the government's lies and manipulations seemed to have no end. “Why do you think we're monsters?” The child narrowed her eyes even more. It wasn't just anger that was pulling her skin tightly across her cheekbones or forcing air to enter and exit her lungs only through her nose. She was filled with hate. I recognized it because I was all too familiar with it myself.
              “You killed my daddy.” I immediately shrank back as if her words were a fist that was flying toward my face. I didn't fully understand her words but I knew they meant something important, something serious, something that would cause me to question my assumption of who the bad guys really were.
             
“W-what do you mean,” I asked hesitantly, cautiously. “Are you really from,” I paused and swallowed past a constricting lump in my throat. “
up there
?” I paused again. “Are there others? Do you have family? Do other people really live on the surface?” I knew I was pushing her too far, too fast but words were spilling out of my mouth quicker than I could control them. The girl fixated her hateful gaze back on my face. Her small fingers curled into her palm. My heart sank even deeper into my chest cavity. I wanted to reach out and embrace this little girl because we were the same; both of us lost in the undertow of a giant wave receding to reveal a shore we didn't even know existed. I wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay. I yearned to protect her. My previous distrust of her identity and motives melted away like candle wax and all I wanted was to be someone that she could trust, someone that would never lie to her; someone that would make sure no harm ever came her way.
              I had no actual siblings. It was rare that anyone in The Complex did because most mated couples were only allowed one child in order to minimize cross-breeding in future generations. The only exception was if the genes of a mated couple were especially elite, but I had no idea what that even meant. Still, looking at this frightened child, I felt protective of her the way that I imagined an older sister might. Her lower lip began to tremble. I wanted to embrace her now more than ever, but I knew that would frighten her even more. It wasn't right. A small child should not have to cling to her own frail body for comfort.
              Why had the little girl accused the Order of killing her father? Where was her father from? Had he been a citizen down here – or, was he from
up there?
I drew in a deep breath. I couldn't jump to conclusions. Even if the little girl had been
up there
, that didn't mean that there were others. Maybe she was a secret child, like the girl who asked Koi to save her from the government's wrath because she had become pregnant by being with a lover she was not matched with by Doctrine? That could also explain why she had no ID chip in her wrist.
              Maybe the little girl's family were rebels like the Order, but maybe her family didn't know about the Order and attempted to explore the surface on their own. There were so many possibilities, but all of them still meant the little girl wasn't safe from the government. She didn't feel safe with us, either. What was I supposed to do?
              “How old are you, sweet heart?” I asked cautiously as I scooted up against Reese again. Her accusing glare still did not falter. She pressed her lips together, probably fearing she had already said too much to these strange, untrustworthy people that were holding her captive and then trying to tell her that they were trying to keep her safe. We must seem awfully cruel to her, as if we were messing with her mind. No wonder she remained terrified.
              The girl was so small and her limbs seemed so delicate, to the point of appearing malnourished. I could not guess her age on my own. By her body only I would not think her to be more than six, but her eyes, her facial expressions, they all made her appear older.
              “What do you eat?” I kept gently trying. If she was indeed from the surface, was she really a – a cannibal? Did she eat other people to survive? Even if she did, it didn't seem like she got to eat very often.
              The child finally ripped her hateful blue eyes away from my face. I felt immediate relief. The intensity of her anger had begun to feel like a pile of bricks were slowly being stacked on top of my shoulders.
              “What about your mom?” Reese tried asking her softly. “Is she still alive?” The girl's face, which had started to relax, immediately tightened up with tense, defensive hatred again and this time she zeroed in on Reese. “How do you live? Where do you live? Do you have a home? Do you really not know what this place is?” She continued to glare at him the same way she had spat her angry eyes upon me only minutes before.
              I held up my palm toward Reese to signal him to stop. The little girl wasn't ready. She didn't trust us. She wasn't going to talk unless we could somehow convince her that we were not a threat.
              The child didn't respond to Reese, but finally, the defensive fear in her eyes began to wane and the tightness of her cheeks relaxed a bit. I knew that didn't mean she had suddenly decided to trust us. Fear was exhausting and all-consuming, her mind was probably trying to protect her.
             
I can't let this girl turn out like my mom. I can't let her disappear inside of herself.
             
              This unique child may not trust the Order, but if I had any chance at all at getting through to her, it was now, when her fear was exhausting her mind. “I know we seem scary to you, but we’re scared too. Reese and I, we're hiding here because there are bad people that want to hurt us. We don't want them to hurt you, either. We want to get you home, okay? We want to help, but we can't unless you tell us where home is.
              “I know you don't want to right now, and that's okay. I'm not going to make you tell me anything, okay? But I want to prove to you that you can trust me. I'm going to work at it, okay? I'm going to take care of you and you have my word, my PROMISE, that no matter what, I'll get you home.”
              My eyes blurred as I spoke and I wasn't even sure where my words came from. I had spent the past few days lost in a sea of fear, wallowing in my naïve idiocy and incredible skill of messing everything up. But every word I spoke to this frightened child was spoken from honesty, from a determined place in my heart that I hadn't even been aware of prior. I was compelled to protect her, to help her, to sooth her fear by being someone she could depend and rely on. Her well-being from moment to moment suddenly mattered more to me than the fact that she potentially had answers to questions that had plagued me, and others, throughout our whole lives.
              The girl curled her arms around her tiny body and shivered. “I'm cold,” she whispered. “I need my suit.” I was afraid to ask her if the Order had forced her to change out of that strange, puffy covering I first saw her in, and I was afraid to ask them why. With a soft sigh, I reached for the woven blanket underneath me.
              “I'm sorry, I don't know where your suit is,” I told her honestly. I leaned forward and gently wrapped the blanket around the girl's shoulders. At first she jerked away from me, but her eyes finally softened. She remained still as I let go of the blanket after it draped over her, but then her small hands reached out and tugged it tighter across her petite frame.
              I folded my legs under the rest of my body in what Grandpa Logan used to call
Indian Style.
Without the blanket for myself, the cement under my bum felt cool but the little girl had stopped visibly shivering and that made giving up my blanket well worth my own minor discomfort. I lowered my eyes and let my hands fall into my lap.
I wanted to reach for this tiny human and take her into my arms.
              The little girl shifted her gaze over to me once more. The vulnerable child underneath the angry exterior shined through like a blinding light. Her lower lip trembled and her eyes blurred. As I watched the thick layer of fear and suspicion melt off of her as loneliness took over as her dominant emotion, I saw myself in her more than I cared to admit. I regarded her as well but I resisted the urge to reach for her in case found the gesture threatening. I rested my head on Reese's shoulder. He sighed and curled an arm around my torso. I understood what was going through his mind just by his gentle need to keep me close. He was scared, too. He needed me in the same way that I needed him. In the middle of the tornado that was tearing through our once stationary lives, I had something to be grateful for. I had love.
              “I want my mom,” The girl whimpered with a trembling tongue. The tears that had begun to blur in her eyes started to fall down her cheeks in large drops. She made no move to wipe them off and as I watched her, she was me all over again.
              My chin trembled. “I know,” I whispered softly. “I want my mom, too.” The girl raised her eyes toward my face and for the first time, allowed me to see into them, past them, through them. She
finally
believed me. She finally understood that I wasn't going to hurt her. Relief flowed through my body like a river and I felt Reese's arm around me tighten. He saw the shift in her, too. He knew she was starting to trust us.
              The shuffling sound of shoes against the cement caused me to raise my head instantly. My body, still resting against Reese's, tensed and prepared itself to lurch forward if necessary to protect the child. Three men, led by Zane, stepped into the reach of the light from our hand-lamps. I relaxed a bit but I kept my eyes on them steadily, unafraid to let them know I was wary but willing to listen. “It’s time,” Evon spoke as he took another step forward. “I wanted to remind you that we can't make any promises, and from here on out, the probability that we will be heading into a war is,” he paused. “an inevitability.” He had already mentioned all of these things.
              “We know the air above us is breathable,” Reese spoke up, to my surprise. “If the mission is successful, why don't we just go up there before the government can hunt us down?” Zane shifted his gaze. I furrowed my brow. Reese's question was not only entirely valid, but it seemed like a viable way to continue to stay alive. It seemed ludicrous to even consider staying down here in The Complex and playing hide-and-seek until we were all caught and put to sleep if survival above was possible.
              “We don't know enough about what's up there to risk it yet.” His answer was flimsy. I wasn't buying into it. I slowly inched a bit closer to the girl. Reese climbed to his feet to face Zane.
              “You said the air was breathable
up there
, which means survival is possible. But you're telling me that you aren't willing to lead us to safety
up there
just because you're afraid?” Zane shifted his weight, but Evon took another step toward Reese and arched his back in a menacing haunch. My protective instincts rushed through my blood. I dragged my aching leg under me and rose to my feet.
              “I'm afraid too,” I admitted. “I've been scared out of my mind for the last two days. Every single thing I believed about why our lives are the way they are has been a
lie
. I watched the flatfoots drag my grandfather, a healthy, sound of mind sixty year old man, out of our barracks when I was only ten. I knew I was never going to see him again. I never got the chance to know my grandmother because she died in an accident, or so we were told but it might not have been an accident. I've never even seen the sky! And why? Why are they LYING to us?” Reese's hand curled around my shoulder but his touch offered minimal comfort to the repeated question I couldn't stop asking despite knowing that right now I had no way of finding an answer to. I lowered my head and tried to stop my body from trembling. A deep breath in filled my lungs. I drew my shoulders back. “If you succeed in saving the lives of my parents, the least we can do is try to maintain those lives by leaving this prison.” There, I said it out. I called The Complex what it truly was; a