Dark Kiss (The Two sides of me Book 1) (14 page)

Chapter 20

“High and Dry” by Radiohead

I gather up our clothes so we can make our way back to the bedroom. “What about the fire?”

“It’ll go out,” he assures me. “You don’t worry about sparks setting the carpet on fire? That thing is a monster.”

“Nope, never gave it a thought actually.”

“What about your staff? You didn’t seem too worried that anyone will interrupt us this time.”

“I didn’t see any concern on your face either.”

“It crossed my mind.” Yea like for one second.

“You don’t have to worry about us being interrupted ever again, it’s been taken care of,” he says, with a coolness that makes me cringe inside for Mr. Saint. I snuggle down onto the comforter next to Evan, whom I’ve helped arrange in a nest of pillows, elevating his leg and propping him to his side so that he’s facing me. My content mood pops like a soap bubble, every muscle in my body stiffens.  “Oh my God Evan…I’m not on the pill and we didn’t use protection!”

“I was wondering when you were going to realize that.”

“How can you be so calm, shit, I’ve never had to worry about birth control.”

“And you still don’t; I can’t have children and I’ve always used condoms with the women I’ve been with, it didn’t seem necessary with you. Given your history I knew you were clean too.”

“You…. can’t have kids?”

“Nope.” I don’t know why this is such a shock, it’s not like we were getting married or anything, and I never planned on having children anyway…but I never planned on meeting someone like Evan either. Relaxing with the knowledge that there’s no pregnancy scare, I squirm closer to Evan’s warm, naked body, but my mind wanders to his comment
all the other women.
A Russian proverb comes to mind- love and jealousy are sisters. Do I love Evan, because I am absolutely jealous. I wonder how many there have been- were they like me, has he ever been in a serious relationship? And why can’t he have children? This line of thought isn’t productive, of course he’s been with many women, he’s gorgeous and rich, I don’t have to like it though.

“You ok?” He asks hesitantly.

“Yea…yea, just a lot to take in I guess,” I answer in a quiet voice; a long silence follows and I almost think he’s gone to sleep.

“Do you? Want kids I mean?”

“I never planned on having children…. I’ve never been able to allow a man close enough to consider it really, if you were able to have them would you?” I ask.

“No…I’d fuck ‘em up.” Propping myself up on my elbow to see him better, I sigh. “I can’t argue with you on that because I haven’t known you long, but from what I do know I think you’d make a great father Evan, you’re disciplined, driven, loving and generous.”

“Well thanks for the vote of confidence but as you said, you haven’t known me long, but you do know me better than any woman ever has. I’ve never brought a women to my house or my bed, you’re the first, the only, and the last.”

“But I don’t count, you employ me; I’m just a lowly servant here to please you Mr. Lawson,” I tease playfully.

He takes my chin and tilts my face up to his. “Don’t. Ever. Say. That. Y
ou count
; you have no idea how much you count,” he says with severity. I blink several times in surprise and burrow back into his side.

“Why haven’t you brought anyone here?” I ask.

“I’ve never wanted anyone to have that kind of access to me, I can have sex anywhere and that’s all I’ve ever needed a women for.”

“Oh.” Nothing to say about that…but I do wonder if I’m only here in his bed because of my employment? It doesn’t feel that way, he’s told me he feels the connection between us, and he’s shared details of his past with me, but no one….ever? I guess it’s not that strange. I’ve never taken a man to my apartment or my bed either; we have some fucked up shit in common.

“I’ve never had a man to my place either, or in my bed,” I admit.

“I figured as much,” he says, stroking my hair and kissing me on the top of the head. “Pass me a sleeping pill will you?” I ask.

“I thought
you
were
my
nurse,” he teases.

“Well I can get up and walk around to your side of the bed, open the bottle and hand you one if you like,” I say, as I play to move away from him, he tightens his grip on me.

“Don’t you go anywhere,” he says, passing me the pills and a bottle of water from the night table.

“Thank you.” We both pop a sleeping pill and lay in the soft light of his night table. “Do you ever shut that light off?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“I like to know where I’m at if I wake up, and I never sleep until it’s light out.” “Mmmm…ghosts…” I murmur, stroking his chest absentmindedly.

“Ghosts?”

“Not
ghost
ghosts, I have ghosts that haunt me from my past, it just seems like you do too.”

“Mmmm, more than you could ever know.” Quiet follows that comment and I really want to ask him about his ghosts, but I feel like I shouldn’t pry; he’ll tell me when he’s ready…. I think….

I wake for the second day in a row tangled in Evan’s arms and his one good leg. Somehow when we sleep he always ends up with my hair wrapped in his fingers. I begin working myself free when he startles me. “What’s on the agenda for today Ms. Mia?” he asks me in a scratchy, deep and very sexy morning voice, not yet quiet awake.

“Well I really need to go home and get some things, and I promised my sister I’d visit her kids and I totally owe my friends a night out…. I can’t stay holed up in your mansion 24/7…” Yes I could, very easily, but I do need my things if I’m staying here for a week, and I’d really love to stop by my sister’s house- maybe Evan would come with me? Is it too early to introduce him to my family? What are they going to think of me dating the guy I’m supposed to be working for? Am I dating him? Sleeping with yea, but technically I have no idea what to call what we’re doing. I wonder how he’s going to take this news after manipulating me to stay by his side every single second since waking up from his coma. Well, it doesn’t matter I have to go; this compulsion to be near him is overwhelming, but I need to put my foot down…if only for a little while.

“Ok, how long will you be gone?” he says, just as I’ve freed myself from him. Sitting up, I stare in surprise, eyes wide and searching his for an explanation of this 360 degree change.

“You’ll let me go, just like that?”

Little frown lines form between his eyes. “Of course, you’re not a prisoner here, I’d never hold you against your will Mia. You seem surprised; I’m not the big bad wolf, you can go whenever you please,” he says, tilting his head slightly to the side.

“Well…it’s just…. big bad wolf?” Did he know about his nickname? “Oh… ah…never mind.”

“Ok. When are you heading out, do you have time for breakfast?” This is bizarre, he’s been practically having panic attacks trying to keep me from leaving him and now he’s just letting me go…. and offering me breakfast? I’m not complaining…well maybe a little…I have to admit it’s been flattering having such a successful, beautiful man so interested in me. But I have a life that can’t be put on hold any longer.

“Yea, I can eat with you and help get you cleaned up and dressed of course.”

“I don’t need you to do that, I’ve got the bag over my leg in the shower thing down and using these crutches isn’t as hard as I thought.” His reply is very businesslike, different somehow, or is it just me not handling the semi rejection well?

“Sounds like you don’t need me here after all.” I can’t believe I just said that, he could send me packing back to my ICU job according to the contract he had drawn up, and now that it’s a possibility I’m feeling a strong trepidation,  I’ve started feeling comfortable with Evan here in his home, and last night… last night my sexuality was awakened. I know deep down that I’ll never be the same, and no man will ever compare to Evan. If he’s gotten what he wanted and is dismissing me now I may fall apart, have I been played? 

“I never said you weren’t needed, but I can wipe my own ass and get dressed.” I’m so confused; he sounds kind of pissed, and if he can do those things for himself, refuses medication and further testing at the hospital, professionally I’m not needed.

Is that what he’s saying, he only wants me here for personal reasons? Shit, that would feel just like prostitution.

“Evan, are you upset with me about something?” I’m really trying to sort all of this out when realization hits, is this a change in his personality? Is it happening, is the tyrant returning? God I hope not, please, please, this can’t be happening. Sitting on my knees with the sheet pulled tightly around me, I silently pray for the other Evan to come back, or for this one to leave.

“No, I just want to do some things for myself, I don’t like feeling like an invalid, but I know sometimes I get weak and I need you.” There is still coldness in his eyes, and I suddenly feel very uncomfortable being naked in his bed. I gather the sheet around me and make my way to my room without a word.

We meet in the dining room a while later and have breakfast, neither of us saying much. “I had your car brought around,” he says, taking the last bite of his egg white omelet. “Oh. Thanks.” I’m still wary of the motives behind all of the sudden freedom he’s giving me. “Will you be ok for a while, I just have to check on things at home and stop to see my sister.”

“Yes, I have work to do, I can keep busy.” Now I wonder if I should kiss him goodbye in front of Cecelia who is cleaning up breakfast, this thing between us is so weird I don’t know how to act, so I take my dishes to the sink and turn to say goodbye.

“Ok…so I’ll see you tonight?”

“Yes.” And I walk out the door. That was too easy for him, and too hard for me. I feel the disconnect as soon as I pass through the doors to the front drive, and I leave a part of me behind when I go, Evan is my home now, not his house but him, a part that is vital to my survival, and that’s a very frightening thought.

Chapter 21

“If This Isn’t Love” by Jennifer Hudson 

It feels like a lifetime since I’ve driven home…or to
my
home rather. I crank the radio; I miss the constant presence of music in my life. Imagine Dragon’s Radioactive fills the car, and I sing along until I’m home. Turning the key in the front door of my apartment immediately feels foreign, like I don’t belong here anymore. I’m surrounded by my own things, pictures of my family, my furniture, and the throw on the back of the couch, yet they’re all unfamiliar somehow. How can one man take over my entire existence in just a couple of weeks? Surely this isn’t how love is supposed to be, unbalanced, desperate, and tenacious. Tutting myself, I make my way to the closet to get an overnight bag and clothes, shoes and toiletries for a week at Evan’s. The light fixture I made for him is safely wrapped in a cocoon of bubble wrap on my bed, along with the Vase Jay gave to me. Using some of the clothes I’m packing, I wrap the vase in the soft material and place it safely inside my duffle bag. I dial my sister’s number, and she answers on the first ring. “Mia!” It’s so good to be loved and missed.

“Hey sis, you home? I thought I’d stop by- I’m missing my niece and nephew, oh yea and my sister,” I tease.

“Of course, they’re messing around in the play room, they’d be thrilled to see aunty Mia!” “Ok, be there in a bit.”

“Mia?”

“Yea?”

“Everything going ok…with the job I mean?”

“Yea, I’ll tell you about it when I get there.”

“Ok, see you soon,” she says quietly. I know she’s worried about the enormous change in my life; if she only knew…I pack up my car and set out to spend time with my family.

Pulling up in front of Sage’s house, two towheaded angels come barreling out the front door. “Mia, Mia, Mia!!” Kylie squeals as they both attack me, almost knocking me to the ground. “We missed you so much, why didn’t you come last week?!” Tanner whines.

“Sorry babe, I have a new job and it took up a lot of time.”

Sage appears at the door as the three of us approach, both kids glued to my sides. “Kylie, Tanner let her go! It’s cold out here, come inside, hurry!” Just inside the front door she hugs me, and I hold on a little longer than usual. I bite my lip hard to keep the tears that have suddenly sprung to my eyes from falling. When we part I realize how badly I need to talk to someone about this whole situation. Sage takes my hand, leading me to the kitchen not noticing my struggle…. thank God.

The kids shadow me, chatting endlessly about school, dance lessons, sports, all the things young kids are involved in, and I listen intently with genuine interest, I love these two so much. “Hey, why aren’t you in school today?” I ask.

“No school today, conferences.” Tanner replies with an ear-to-ear smile.

“Ahh, well I’m glad your home so I can see you. Hey guys can you go set up a game while your mommy and I talk for a few minutes?”

“Ooooo yes, can we play Chutes and Ladders?!” Kylie asks.

“That’s a baby game, I’m not playing that!” Tanner protests.

“How about one game of Chutes and Ladders and one of whatever you want Tan, sound good?”

“Yea, come on Kylie.” I watch their little blonde heads bob up and down as they retreat to the playroom to find their games. 

“Want some coffee?” Sage asks.

“Sure.”

“Spill,” she says sharply.

“What?”

“You’re a mess, I can see it, what’s going on with you?” Ok, so maybe she did notice me fighting tears. I hesitate, unsure of how to start and she takes the reigns.

“Ok, I’ll start, how did this all happen? I know you’ve always loved working in the ICU, and now you’re doing
home care?!
” she says ‘home care’ like it’s a dirty word.

“What’s wrong with home care? And it’s not exactly home care…more like private care.” Ha that’s funny. No way am I telling her just how private!

“So…private care ok, ok, what happened to this man that he needs private care?”

“I can’t give specifics, you know HIPPA and all that, but it was a serious accident and he just needs help at home.”

“So …he must be pretty special for you to leave the hospital and drop everything in your life?” she says with knowing, lifted eyebrows.

“I can still go back to the hospital. It’s in my contract. The reason I left… it’s complicated. I’m out of my mind trying to figure him out, he’s different….” I trail off, unsure of the boundaries I’m able to cross without violating Evan’s confidentiality.

“You have feelings for him! Oh God you do, look at you! I’ve never seen you blush so red!” And I can feel the heat creeping up my neck to my face- shit, why does my body betray me so easily? I nod my head, confirming her accusation. “Mia…you’ve never been interested in a man…I’m just…just so surprised!”

“Yea me too, I’d pretty much sworn off them for eternity, but Evan, he
needs
me, and for some reason I need him too.”

Sage takes a big breath and holds it for a few seconds, before blowing it out dramatically. “Wow. This is it isn’t it? You’ve found your other half, he was out there after all.” She’s such a romantic, geesh; leave it to Sage to make a fairy tale out of this potential nightmare.

“I wouldn’t go that far, he’s got issues, and some I’m not sure I can handle.”

“
You
have issues Mia, like big ones. You can’t live your life according to a picture in your head of how it’s supposed to be, people are messy, confusing, chaotic, but they’re also beautiful, strong and comforting. Take the good with the bad I guess is what I’m trying to say.” When the hell did she switch to team Evan? She’s defending him so gallantly! “Man Sage, what’s your deal? I’ve never heard you talk so passionately about someone you’ve never met.” She scoots my coffee across the island, and when I reach for it she puts her hand over mine. “I want you to have someone, I hate that you’re alone and you’ve closed off any chance of happiness with someone. I know what you went through was horrible; actually I have no idea, I can only imagine. But if there is something with this guy, don’t deny yourself the chance for love.” Love? I have no idea if that’s what I feel for him- electricity, undeniable physical attraction yes, but love?

“Thanks, for caring about me I mean, I never knew you worried about that so much, I figured you were comfortable with my choices.”

“Oh Mia, it’s not just me, we all worry you’re letting a big piece of your life drift away, but nobody ever says anything because of what you went through. We love you and want what’s best for you, and now you’ve found someone, I’m so excited!” she squeals, and clasps her hands together in an attempt to contain her energy.

“Don’t get your hopes up sis, I’m not supposed to talk about his medical condition, but we’re personally involved now and I
need
to talk to somebody about it…he has a head injury from a car accident. I’m worried about the effects.”

“Like what kind of effects?”

“Well…I’ve met a few of his employees, his right hand man in business, and his sister.” “Yea…. and?”

“And, they all seem really, really, afraid of him- not the normal respect-for-your-boss type of thing, but
fear.
And then there’s his sister, something is going on there- she came to sit with him every day before he woke from a coma, and hasn’t been seen since, no call to check up on him or anything.”

“Weird, what do
you
think of him?”

“From what I know, and how he treats me he’s cocky, bossy but vulnerable, gentle and sexy as hell!”

“Well, what’s the problem then? Go for it, if he’s good to you that’s all that matters right?” “Well yea but it’s the blackouts that worry me, and mood swings. I’m so afraid I’ll wake up someday and he won’t be… him. What if the Evan I know isn’t the real Evan Lawson? What if he’s an evil bastard?”

Sage shakes her head. “There are no guarantees in life honey, it may happen, but it may not and you can’t give up before you have a chance to start.”

“Yea, it’s just insane; I have all these new feelings, they scare me. He could wake up one day and be a horrible person.”

“Or he may stay the way he is right now, life is all about risks. It’s a huge one I know, but ya gotta step out on that tightrope and see if you can make it across; we’re here as your safety net if you fall, we love you Mia.”

I smile at her and drink my coffee. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“For loving me, and for the advice, I was going bonkers with all this, it feels good to get someone else’s prospective.”

“That’s what family is for honey, so tell me more about this hot god of yours!” We talk and laugh, then I Google Evan so she can see what he looks like, and she fawns all over him. I play board games with the kids and I feel myself coming back. The me I’m familiar with, not the crazy me I’ve become since Evan arrived in my life.

My phone beeps in my pocket and I check the text, along with several from my friends, most from Lily, but the one I just received is from Evan. I didn’t put his number in my phone, but his face shows up with the unfamiliar number. Are
you almost done? I’m missing you; I think I need some medical attention, E. 
My tummy flutters at the thought of him missing me. The nagging feeling I had this morning dissipates instantly. So stupid, I’m going to drive myself nuts trying to figure him out.
At my sisters, finishing up- will be there soon, and what kind of medical attention are you in need of? M ;)
His response is immediate.
It’s an urgent issue that needs immediate attention.
Smiling, I shoot a return message.
Be there STAT!

My sister is eyeing me…”That him?” she asks.

“Yep.”

“Your face just lit up like a Christmas tree, better get back to
work,”
she teases.

“Yea, he’s asking when I’ll be back. See you soon?”

“Of course, I’m always here, just call.” I hug them all good-bye and head out; it’s amazing what a difference a few hours with your family makes. Cranking the music, I distract myself from the anticipation of seeing him. I’m 99% sure his medical attention request will be much to my advantage, so peddle to the floor, I speed to close the gap between us.