Dark Kiss (The Two sides of me Book 1) (13 page)

“My life is one dark, fucked up disaster after another.  You know nothing about me Mia, hell
I
don’t even know everything about me, but if you did you’d run. When I’m with you I feel…. Naked- my soul, my spirit exposed. Everything I’ve ever secretly yearned for, everything I’ve ever dreamed of but that I had no hope of having because of my past, you see it, you see
me
.”
Wow
is an understatement; this man has serious feelings for me. I knew we had a physical magnetism, but didn’t dare to allow myself to consider real feelings. I wanted that, deep down I always had. All of my adult life I’ve wanted a relationship with a man, to have a partner to walk through life with, to be a best friend to and devote my life to. Just like Evan I have secret wishes, ones I gave up on long ago. I never thought my fear could dissipate enough to allow any man into my heart…until now. We’re very much alike in one way, damaged. “Stay with me,” he pleads.

“I will,” I whisper, and he begins to untangle himself from me, dressing me and not allowing me to help, he buttons, clasps and zips me into my clothes and tenderly slips on each of my shoes. Next on our agenda, the hospital.

Chapter 18

“Give Me What I Want” by Avril Lavigne

Evan is quiet; maybe he’s tired, maybe he’s thinking about what just happened at Dominus and all the things he said to me, maybe he regrets it all.  This makes me worry, a skill I have perfected. This relationship, or whatever it is, has started to go in a direction that I have to admit I wanted it to from the beginning. But I’m having trouble believing a man like Evan could really care about me. Can this all be real? I have no idea who Evan was before the accident, and what little I do know now is complicated. What if his current personality is temporary, something related to his brain injury? What if he changes back into
the beast
as his employees referred to him at the restaurant? This way of thinking isn’t helping me, but this whole thing is so tangled. I’m supposed to be this man’s nurse, but so many lines have been crossed? Somehow I have to find a way to separate the attraction from the professional aspect of the situation. Yea right…caring for someone intimately suggests a personal relationship, what happened between us at Dominus and in the shower this morning suggests a very personal relationship. Him not wanting me to leave his side, professing his feelings, all of those things make me feel that this is serious but what if it all changes? I’ve seen little signs of the old Evan, the one I don’t think I ever want to know, like when he dismisses me abruptly, the way his employees seem terrified of him, there are red flags waving all over the place yet I keep trying to hide my eyes. I’m relieved and scared at the same time while we wait for his MRI. If it’s all clear, I’ll be reassured that what is happening between us won’t go up in a puff of smoke one day, leaving me brokenhearted and alone. I’ve been alone for as long as I can remember, and I was content. But since Evan landed like a meteor in my life, I feel a completeness that I wasn’t aware I needed so badly. If he were taken from me, my old life wouldn’t be enough. I’ve never been thorough a break up because I’ve never had a relationship, but somehow I know losing Evan would be devastating, I can feel it in the very essence of me that some part of me a big part of me, needs him, craves him, would not survive without him…and this is not good. I need to stop thinking about it, so I throw myself into my “job” so to speak. Helping Evan change into a hospital gown in a small room outside MRI, I continue to assess his mood, catching his eye occasionally. I actually feel like maybe he’s thinking the same thing…does he know he used to be a total dick, that people are afraid of him; is he worried too?

“What are you thinking?” he asks. Shit, I suck at lying. “And don’t lie,” he continues without a beat- fuck can he read my mind or what? If so he shouldn’t have to ask what I’m thinking.

“Just about the MRI,” I answer, and it’s not a total lie. I’m concerned he has had an injury that may have altered his personality, but I’m sure as hell not bringing that up right now! He has to lie in there, perfectly still for a long time and keep calm, so it’s not an optimum time to have a deep conversation about who he is and what we are together. Evan covers my hand with his as I tie his gown behind his neck and narrows his eyes slightly.

“Good try. Actually, shitty try, you’re are an open book to me Mia, no sense in keeping things from me, you’re worried aren’t you?”

I attempt to skirt the edges of my concern again, giving a half-truth, “Yes. I guess I’m worried. I just hope we find out what’s causing the blackouts, and that it’s nothing serious.”

“It’s not, don’t worry Mia.” He has no way of knowing that, but we will soon enough though. I smile. “How do I look?” Really, Evan Lawson could wear tattered shreds and still be the most handsome man on the planet.

“Stunning,” I answer honestly. Holding the door for him to enter the hallway leading to the MRI room, I silently pray they find nothing and that this Evan, my Evan, the one right here, right now, is the real Evan.

We return to the house and I climb out of the car to help him up the steps and inside. I notice the front of the house resembles a castle, two stone towers on either side of the door rise above the height of the rest of the structure. 

“What is a house of this size called, it seems wrong to merely call it a house?” I ask him, craning my neck and shading my eyes with my hand to look at one of the towers.

“A manor is probably most accurate I suppose,” he answers.

“The Lawson Manor then,” I murmur. 

“Sure, but if you need a name to call it, you could just call it home, you know,” he says, blatant about his desire to have me living under the same roof with him. Honestly, the idea is starting to sound more appealing to me. I can’t imagine tearing myself away from him for a second. That can’t be healthy, moving in here may be setting myself up for a world of pain, I’d have to leave at some point, when he didn’t need a nurse anymore, wouldn’t I? Yes, I need to force myself to put distance between us until we know if this side of him is permanent, for my own good.

“I still have a home, I promised to stay and I will while I’m needed.”

Knowing this isn’t what he wants to hear, I mentally cringe and wait for the argument about to ensue. Stopping next to his bed, he turns to face me and captures my eyes, saying very deliberately,  “You’re needed here
all
the time, and I can’t imagine a time when you won’t be.” Sitting down on the edge of the bed and swinging his casted leg onto the pillows left there this morning, he nudges his crutches toward me to take, since I’m speechless again, I go about helping him as if he hadn’t said words that melted my heart and made my knees weak. “When do you think they will have the results of the MRI?” he asks.

I had insisted on leaving the hospital before the results were back, Evan had had a long full day, and I could tell he was worn out.

“I’ll call right now and see if I can find anything out.”

“No. Sit.” He pats the mattress on the inside of the bed next to him. I round the bed and crawl across to him and he tucks me under his arm. I lay my head on his warm, smooth, hard chest and sigh, listening to the steady beat of his heart. I inhale his unique combination of scents, could there be a better place to be? I answer that in my mind,
hell no
! Evan reaches across my head and removes the rubber band that’s holding my hair up, shaking it loose and tangling the fingers of his other hand in it. “I love your hair, I’ve never known a women with hair as long as yours.” My hair is pretty long, not intentionally really, I’m just lazy about having it cut.

“It needs cutting.” 

“No. Leave it,” he insists, and takes my chin in his hand to tilt my face up to his. “Mia, I really do want you to stay here with me, and I won’t take no for an answer.” Well shit! He turns me to mush with his compliments and then goes in for the kill, the master manipulator in action; if he smirks I’m finished.

“Well I can’t help you with that one, I’m going home tonight to sleep, but I’ll be back first thing in the morning.” I need to start now with a little distance before I risk having my heart shattered into a million pieces. His eyes search mine, so close that I can see he has a ring of blue around the pupil of each eye, surrounded by the brightest green I’ve ever seen in a person’s eyes, except for maybe in magazines or Internet photographs that have been Photoshopped to look this way. But never face to face. They’re beautiful and penetrating, as though he can see right through me. I have to look away before he hypnotizes me into staying right here forever.

“How about another compromise, you stay with me all the time for a week, just so I can get accustomed to getting around on crutches. And then we can reassess the situation.” With the heat of his body against mine, nestled in his arms and with his hand massaging my scalp, stroking my hair I am utterly at his will, I concede.

“A week, and that’s it, I go back to twelve hour days, or evenings whatever is better for you.”

“Deal.”

What a sucker Mia, he knew exactly what he was doing here and you totally fell for it, as usual. Evan got what he wanted, if only temporarily.
I feel his body relax immediately, and after a short time his soft breathing indicates that he’s sleeping, I closed my eyes and nap away the afternoon in his arms.  This nursing job is such a sham.

Chapter 19

“Your Love is King” by Sade

“Mia...Mia…your phone.” I open my eyes to a dark room wrapped in Evans arms, with my phone vibrating in the pocket of my jeans.
How long did we sleep?
He releases me from his side as I lift my hips up to get at my phone.

“Hello?” I answer, while whispering to Evan that I’m sorry I’ve woken him up. “It’s the hospital,” I tell him, covering the phone briefly so as not to interrupt the person on the other end of the line. “Yes this is she.” They have been given my name as a contact, then I listen while they tell me the results of the MRI, the results I do not want to hear. Possible nerve damage in the frontal lobe and a large tumor, and after that my hearing begins to buzz and I’m not able to make out what the physician is saying anymore. I hand the phone to Evan absentmindedly and silently scoot to the opposite edge of the bed and begin walking toward the bedroom door, while Evan recovers the call. Frontal lobe is where personality is controlled, along with behavior and emotion. The very things I had hoped would not have been affected. Sitting on the couch in front of the warm, crackling fireplace I gather myself, attempting to clear the fog from my brain. Ok. So this may be permanent, and that would be good, I’m falling for the Evan I know right now, the one in bed in the next room, but what if it’s just temporary? Virtually no progress has been made by having the MRI, except the confirmation of my deepest fear. We have no way of anticipating our future, if there even is a future together. Time will tell, but the longer I expose myself to him, the deeper I will plunge into a precarious relationship that could possibly end with the man I’ve started having deep feelings for turning back into the tyrant he was before the accident. Thoughts spinning, I hear the click clack of Evan approaching on his crutches, as he arranges himself next to me on the couch, silently turning his body to face me while I stare into the fire. “I haven’t had a blackout for a while.”

“No... no, you haven’t.”

“Maybe it’s over,” he says softly. “Maybe.”

“What are you so afraid of Mia? Talk to me.”  I don’t know if I can explain my concern without sounding selfish, he’s facing possible permanent brain damage and all I can think about is protecting my heart.

“I was really hoping it was nothing, that’s all.” I turn and face him, smiling weakly, he shakes his head back and forth.

“Forget it Mia, I can see it’s more than that to you, although I can’t imagine why, I’m fine, so what if they say there’s a problem, I feel fine. You wanted the test, now you’ve had it done, so relax with me and don’t make me regret giving you what you wanted.” I don’t regret it, he had to have it done, just in case it was something life-threatening. But it didn’t answer my questions and now I am unnerved.

“Are you fine? I mean how would you know, if your personality has changed, if you’ve forgotten things, who is here to remind you? Not me, I barely know you.”

“I don’t know what you think I’m forgetting, I feel the same as I always have, a little stir crazy being stuck in this damned cast and not having my finger in every aspect of my work. I’m a very active man Mia, independent and controlling, but you seem to believe this accident has caused me to change or lose my mind, or I don’t know what! But I assure you I have not!” His voice raises, bordering on a shout, and his eyes dart from one of mine to the other, as he clenches his fists.

“Calm down, I’m not saying you’ve lost your mind.” 

“Then what exactly are you saying?” Well here goes, I decide to tell him the truth about my fear.

“I…I feel something with you,” I stutter and hesitate to continue.

“As I do for you,” he interjects, believing that’s all I have to say.

“No, I mean I have
strong
feelings for you that I haven’t felt for a man before…I’m afraid of losing you.” He furrows his brow, trying to understand where I’m going with this and I continue.

“What if this isn’t you?” I whisper, and his frown deepens and he replies.

“What do you mean
isn’t me
?”

“I mean…what if that damage has caused you to be… different, not who you were before the accident.” My attempt to explain myself is failing, big time.

“You’re fond of me, I know you are, so what does it matter if I’m different? Which I am not, you’re not making any sense Mia. Are you sure you’re not the one with a head injury?” he teases and taps the side of my head with his finger, I give him a tiny, brief smile before I return to my grim thoughts. I should just tell him why I’m afraid, but what if my fear is unwarranted?  What if he
is
the same and he really
does
just care for me? I would be planting a seed of doubt and uncertainty in his mind about himself and giving up the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I wish I had more time to sort this all out but I don’t, so I decide to play dumb for now and work on it later when I can think it through.

“I don’t know what I’m worried about Evan…really, I’m a nurse and I tend to think about things more clinically. I’m sure you’re fine; so don’t mind my grey mood. “What did the Dr. say about a plan?” I purposely perk up my tone to hide my fear.

“Nothing…because there’s nothing wrong that needs fixing.” He takes my hands in his and pierces me with his stare, searching for the truth in my face. Thank God he appears to be accepting the front I’ve put up. “Ok then, you had your test and we can forget about it and concentrate on more important things.”

“What could be more important than your big brain?” I laugh.

“Oh Mia, I have other big parts that are far more interesting, let me show you.” The smirk that has changed my life spreads across his face, and he doubles the effect with a wink. I abandon any thoughts that this isn’t the real Evan as he pulls me onto his lap easily so I’m straddling his hips. I feel his rock-hard cock through our clothes, jutting out against my belly.

“See?” he says, grabbing my ass and pulling me to align my core with his bulging cock. I instantly pool wetness between my legs, our mouths collide, tongues searching, demanding, claiming each other while Evan gathers my hair with one hand behind my neck and twists it around his wrist, pulling my head back to expose my neck. Panting, I close my eyes and move my hands under the hem of his shirt, sweeping up his hard abs to his smooth chest he pulls back releasing my hair.

I open my eyes to protest but he gathers his shirt, pulling it over his head and then does the same with mine, forgoing the buttons this time. As he removes my bra my blood is pounding, rushing in my head, if he’s saying anything to me right now it’s falling on deaf ears. That damned flash of awareness that we’re in the living room where his staff can enter at any time plagues my thoughts, but just as quickly as the thought came, it goes. Pressing my naked, warm breasts against his bare chest, I sigh as he trails a path of kisses down my neck to my shoulder and continues down to my breast, pulling my hair gently to control my position on his lap. I shudder as he lowers me, my back to his thighs, and circles my belly with his tongue, pausing at the waist of my jeans, feathering both hands along the inside of my arms passing over my hard nipples I feel him gazing at me and I hold my breath as he circles my waist with his powerful hands and pulls me upright again. I open my eyes again as he nuzzles my cheek with his nose and I feel him smile.

“What?” I whisper.

“I’ve never had to ask for help removing a woman’s clothes before, I can’t fuck you properly I’m a little incapacitated here….”

“Oh,” I say in a tiny voice. “Stand up.”

He nudges his hips against mine and it’s all I can do to manage to remove myself from the heat of his body, but I do. For the first time I notice music playing very softly in the room, similar to the music from this afternoon, erotic and slow…a woman sings words that sound eastern European. Standing over Evan with the hot fire at my back as the only light in the room, I feel for the first time the power of being a woman, beautiful and cherished by this man under me, adoring me with his eyes. Never before have I associated power and sex in a positive way, always the opposite. My newfound feelings irrefutable, I can’t hold back another day, another min, another second. Evan reaches up to unbutton my jeans; I place my hands on his and shake my head back and forth. He immediately drops his hands and his face twists in confusion. Giving him a wicked smile, I begin unbuttoning them myself and peeling them off slowly, leaving the panties he’s provided me with this morning untouched. I kneel to remove his jeans, never taking my eyes from his, which have regained their dark lust after realizing my need to take some control. The glory of Evan Lawson naked is unmatched by any sight I have ever seen, and trembling, I reach out on each side of him and take two of the huge pillows off the couch, gently propping his casted leg on them, my hair blanketing the front of my body as he smooths his hands along my face and gathers it behind my neck, baring me to him. I stand again slowly; never losing contact with my skin, he slips his fingers into the edge of my panties and drags them down my legs. Closing his eyes, his hands travel the length of my legs, around to my ass, pulling me astride him again. I hover there trembling, shaky hands gripping his shoulders before sinking down, impaling myself on his throbbing head slowly, stretching to accommodate to his size. Our eyes close as I take him completely inside of me, and pausing I feel him pulsing, a guttural groan is releasing from deep in his throat.

“You’re so tight, you feel so fucking good Mia,” he says through gritted teeth. “Can you move yet?” he asks, I nod my head, unable to form words, and he grips my hips and with slow gentleness he lifts me, gliding easily as my wetness covers him until his tip is barely at my entrance. I inhale sharply with anticipation and we both open our eyes and watch our bodies connect as he eases me back down, gripping my hips with his large strong hands painfully, the scene so erotic I burn it into my memory for safe keeping.

I know he’s holding back for me, trying to allow me some comfort, but that’s not at all I want. Taking over, I push him deeper, further than I knew was possible and that seems all the permission he requires. We begin to move together in a steady rhythm, gripping each other tightly, our skin blazing, Evan takes my mouth in a deep, winding kiss. I whimper in euphoria with every thrust and I find the ability to put words together that make sense.

“I’m going to come,” I whisper in his ear.

“Wait for me.”

Wait?! He may have super human control over his body but I do not!

“Can’t!” I’m out of control and he follows me, spiraling down into ecstasy together, with every part of my body convulsing as he spills into me, yelling my name. Clinging to him, sweat trickling down the center of my back, and my face buried in his neck, I return from the highest high.

“You still concerned about my brain?” he asks, panting, I can hear the smile in his voice. I sit up, nose-to-nose with him, my hair sticking to our sweaty bodies everywhere and I inform him, “You were right, there is another part of your anatomy that I’m much more concerned with at the moment.”

“Told ya.” He winks.  “So, along with always getting what you want I suppose you’re always right too?” I sass. “You’re a quick study with a smart mouth, which happens to be my favorite combination.”

“Glad I please you Mr. Lawson.” Moving off of him and reaching out with one hand to help him up, I grab his crutches. “I can’t believe we just did that and you’re in a cast, I’m a terrible nurse.”

“Didn’t hinder my performance a bit, and you’re the best nurse.” Now it’s my turn to smirk…

“You were a perfect ten, baby.”