Dark Heart Forever (25 page)

Luca didn’t blink, though he did look distressed. Another thing that was bugging me. Why couldn’t everyone just lighten up?

‘Yes,’ he said finally. ‘I first had them when I was about eight years old. When my parents turned in the Green Forest – near the Water Path. My father was nearly killed by a renegade vampire. I was turning myself then, though my age meant I returned to human form quickly. I went back to our home and was thrown against the bedroom wall by a scream that ripped through my skull.’ He paused for breath, his eyes darkening at the memory. ‘Ulfred escaped, though he was badly wounded. He and Henora found me crouched under the bed, shaking.’

‘How awful,’ I said, inadequately. It was hard to know what to say.

‘It’s not a gift. It’s more of a curse, except – except when it can make a difference. I didn’t tell you before, I hoped I’d got it wrong.’

‘You
have
got it wrong,’ I told him. ‘Evan’s a little moody at times, but he would never hurt me.’

‘Are you sure about that?’ Luca watched me.

‘Yes!’ I threw up my hands, exasperated and angry. ‘This is starting to annoy me. I don’t see you for weeks at a time, and then you turn up and decide to stir things up for me. Just so that I can’t move on. You don’t want me, but no one else can have me either.’ I shut my eyes and softened the tone of my voice. ‘I mean … it’s probably subconscious or something. You don’t know you’re doing it. But maybe that’s what’s happening here.’

‘Is that what you think?’ he said. ‘That I don’t want—’

‘Stop!’ I put my palms over my face, covering my eyes. ‘Just leave me alone. I can’t deal with this any more.’ Somewhere inside I felt bad about what I was saying, but I was tired of feeling confused about me and Luca.

‘This is a disaster,’ I heard him say.

‘Luca.’ I sighed, dropping my hands to look up at him. ‘I think it’s time we both accepted that you and I can never have a normal relationship. It’s all too weird, and dangerous, and … and I hate keeping secrets. I think we should just get on with our separate lives.’

I held my breath.

‘If that’s what you want,’ he said softly. ‘Of course.’

I nodded, turning away from him, too tired to know how I felt.

All I could hear was the beating of my heart as I waited for him to leave.

When I turned back two minutes later a squirrel had positioned itself in the middle of the path, chewing on something. And Luca had gone.

You know that feeling you get after you’ve said or done something that you can’t take back? You feel scared but you feel a little bit euphoric. At first. But when the drama has died down, you just feel flat and regretful and you can’t remember why you felt so strongly. And you wish you could take back your words and go back in time.

That’s exactly what I felt the day Luca disappeared. Or rather, the day I told him to go. I spent the rest of the afternoon in my bedroom, hating myself, feeling flat and empty. I fought against the guilt for a while, but then I began to panic. Was Luca right? Maybe Evan was bad for me? The more I turned it over in my mind, the more I doubted I’d done the right thing.

I tried willing myself to Nissilum; shutting my eyes and saying it over and over. But nothing happened. I just had to wait until Luca came back to me.

If he ever came back.

In the days that followed I was subdued. Inside I felt wretched. I’d look around the table at my mother and father and Dot, oblivious to the thoughts swirling in my head. My mother would reprimand Dot for leaving her vegetables, my dad would sheepishly thumb through a brochure called
Timber World
, forking food into his mouth. Nobody noticed my glazed expression.

I took to taking the dog for long walks, up through the trees, hoping, I suppose, to bump into Luca. I climbed right to the top once, and stood looking up rather than down, studying the moon as it sat, distant and bashful in the daylight, waiting to turn from a faded white sliver to a glowing presence in the night sky.

Everything was back to normal it seemed. No more pale werewolf-boy.

Eventually I made up my mind. I needed to focus on Evan. I needed to forget all about the stuff with Luca. It wasn’t real, none of it. It never really had been. It was just…a phase.

I still dreamed of it at night, though. Nissilum. One night I was back there and this time it was Lowe, not Luca, who was waiting for me by the Water Path. He stood, hostile, with eyes narrowed and when I saw him he got to his feet and walked towards me.

‘He never wants to see you again,’ he told me, his eyes travelling across my face, not with any malice, but with a warning look. ‘You cannot come here again.’

And then, as I moved to step past him, his hand reached out to stop me.

‘You should have listened to him,’ he said then, though I didn’t understand what he meant. ‘You will see.’

And then he was gone and the trees were filled with eyes and faces. And beyond the trees, whispering bodies moving, watching.

I stepped back and felt one foot stepping into thin air, and I remembered the water behind me. Panicking, I put one arm out to a smiling figure in front of me who reached to take it. But as the arm pulled me closer, I saw the white skin and tumbling dark hair and the ruby-red mouth.

‘I’m so glad you’re back,’ purred Vanya, digging a long, black nail into my flesh. ‘I hope we can be friends.’

I opened my mouth but my scream was silent and as I wrenched my arm away, Vanya’s smile grew even more lascivious.

‘Come again, dear,’ she whispered. ‘Luca needs you.’

I came back. I found the way back, all by myself and I am writing this next to a curve in the river, waiting for you. I need to say goodbye and see you one more time. And I hope you will know where I am. I will wait for you. Remember, whatever happens, that I wish with all my heart I didn’t have to choose. But I nearly lost my mother, and now that she is well again, I cannot leave her. It is part duty, part love. But as for that other kind of love
…
I will never have anything as strong, as thrilling, as I have known with you.

If you don’t come, I’ll understand. But know that my heart is broken. I am leaving this book here because this is the last time I will come. I hope you will find it and read all that I have been thinking these past few weeks. My time with you has been the most beautiful dream –that is how I will think of it, at least. Forever preserved in my memory as something precious.

‘I’
m never going back,’ said Evan, as he lay with one arm around me on my bed.

I rested my head on my elbow. ‘Really?’

‘There is nothing there … except for my mum,’ he said quickly, almost as though she was an insignificant afterthought. ‘I’d rather be with you.’

‘What exactly do you see in me?’ I asked him. ‘I mean … there must be a queue of girls lining up to be with you.’

He gave me a lopsided smile. ‘I don’t see them … I can’t get my head around why you can’t see how great you are, Jane. You’re beautiful but you’re not vain. You’re clever but you’re modest.’ He paused. ‘You have substance.’

‘You’re right.’ I sighed. ‘I can’t see it.’

He nodded. ‘It’s not surprising. After what happened … But you have to try and forget about the past. What Sarah did … It was nothing to do with you. It was her stuff. She’s got her own “issues” … from her real dad. He wasn’t a nice person from what I gather. Used to beat up her mum. She had a hard time of it. Felt pretty powerless.’

I attempted a sympathetic look, but I don’t think I pulled it off.

‘I didn’t know that,’ I said instead. ‘I guess that explains things.’

‘You mean like her craving for power,’ Evan said.

I laughed then. ‘Now you mention it, yes.’

‘I’m not saying you should excuse her,’ he went on. ‘Just try and see how the root of all the bad stuff about Sarah is not about you. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.’

‘Hmmm.’ I picked at the quilt. ‘I was happy just hating her and blaming her for everything that’s gone wrong in my life. But I guess nobody is born evil.’

‘I don’t know about that.’ Evan shrugged, his voice quieter now. ‘But most people are born good.’

‘You’re so wise.’ I prodded him playfully. ‘How did you get to be so mature for your age?’

‘Crap happening. It can make you examine human nature a little more closely, I suppose.’

‘I’m sorry about your mum,’ I said, hoping he was going to open up. ‘I can’t imagine what—’

‘It’s OK,’ Evan interrupted. ‘I don’t want – need – to talk about it. I’ve dealt with it … I’m dealing with it.’ He shook his head. ‘Man, this conversation has suddenly got very—’

‘Deep? I like deep. Better than shallow, I guess.’

Evan stroked my cheekbone with his finger. ‘Seriously, shallow is something you will never be.’

‘Oh, I have my moments,’ I murmured. ‘Definitely.’

Evan leaned in closer to me and, having felt overwhelmed by him only days earlier, I felt glad now to be adored by him. Evan was able to love me. And he lived in my world. It was so much more straightforward.

His mouth softly met mine, his eyes open as he kissed me, and my hips moved involuntarily towards his. Gently he put one hand on my stomach, stroking it through my T-shirt, and I wriggled in response, reaching out to pull his shirt out, touching his strong stomach, feeling it contract. And then his gentleness became something else, something hungry. He slid his palm up higher and then round to my back, where his fingers found the fastener to my bra and skilfully undid it.

‘Evan,’ I breathed, pulling away slightly in token resistance, when not one part of me wanted him to stop.

He held my gaze as he carried on doing what he was doing, pulling my face towards his with one firm movement and kissing me again, harder. My body was way ahead of my mind, it was giving my feeble brain instructions it had no choice but to obey and I kissed him back, just as forcefully. Before I knew it, my T-shirt was over my head and he was kissing my stomach. I lay back, knowing I should find the strength to stop it, when he looked up.

‘Is this OK?’ he asked softly. ‘Tell me if you want me to stop.’

I nodded, reassured by his words. This wasn’t like when we’d gone camping.

‘Jane!’ My mother’s voice rang out from the landing, totally ruining the moment. ‘Enough time in the bedroom. Evan should be on his way home.’

I sighed and rolled my eyes at him, and he made a disappointed puppy-dog face in return. He brushed his hair back with his hand, then levered himself on to his knees and began fastening the buttons on his shirt.

I looked down at my practically naked top half, relieved to see that my bra was still covering me – just about – and automatically wrapped my arms around my chest for good measure.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, meaning it. ‘My mother has obviously had us on a timer today …’

‘It’s fine.’ Evan got off the bed and gestured for me to do the same. I put my T-shirt back on and joined him and he put his arms around me, nuzzling my neck with his face.

‘I love you, Jane,’ his voice said, muffled, and as I wondered awkwardly how to respond, he lifted his head and put a finger to my lips. ‘You don’t have to say anything back,’ he told me, smiling. ‘I just wanted to let you know.’

All of a sudden I felt ridiculous for being so hung up on Luca. Evan was just perfect in every way.

‘Thanks, Evan,’ I said softly. ‘That’s good to know.’ I reached over to do up another button on his shirt.

But I couldn’t say it back. I guess my heart wasn’t completely there.

M
ay Day found me standing with my parents on Bale’s minuscule village green watching Dot, hand in hand with Cassidy, skipping around a maypole.

‘This place is stuck in a time warp,’ I said wryly, restraining the dog, who was anxious to join in. ‘I swear I just spotted Tess of the D’Urbervilles over by the cake tent.’

My mother dug me in the arm with her elbow. ‘Stop it. It’s charming.’

‘I suppose so.’ I waved limply at Dot, who was loving the attention. ‘In a nauseating kind of way.’

Ten little girls, dressed in frilly white frocks and their best shoes, giggled and shrieked, tossing ribbons around their heads as the accordion player upped the tempo. It was too much for Bobby, who began barking jealously.

‘Go and take the dog somewhere else,’ Mum said out of the corner of her mouth, managing to smile at her youngest daughter at the same time.

‘Oh,’ I said, mock-disappointed. ‘But I’m having so much fun.’

She turned, rolling her eyes. ‘Oh go away, spoilsport. Go and find something miserable to do.’

I sighed, tugging Bobby away. ‘See you back home, then. After Dot has thrown up from all the excitement.’

I rubbed the dog’s ears and wandered over to a stall selling homemade cider. My dad’s friend, Ted, lifted his hat in greeting and held out a tray bearing miniature shot glasses.

‘Sample some cider?’ he said, winking before lowering his voice. ‘I won’t tell your dad.’