Dark Heart Forever (24 page)

Eventually, the cluster of cottages that lined one side of the road out of Bale stopped us in our tracks.

‘End of the road,’ I said. ‘I’d better be getting back.’

‘Wait,’ he said abruptly. ‘Not yet.’

I frowned slightly. ‘What’s up?’

He hesitated for a moment. ‘I’m thinking … I’m wondering … how you feel about me. I mean … If you really like me, or are you just bored and I’m like a distraction?’

‘Of course not.’

He shifted his feet awkwardly. ‘I don’t get attached to people. To girls.’ He looked hard at me. ‘It’s not something I take lightly.’

‘I know.’ Where was he going with this? ‘And I really like you. But we’ve just started going out … It’s a little early …’

‘Sure,’ he said. ‘It’s just I’m sticking around for the summer because of you … I can’t work out whether you see this as casual, like a short-term thing, or whether you want me to stay … longer.’

I opened my mouth, taken aback. Only a few weeks ago I’d seen his cynicism towards relationships. All that stuff about choosing to love. What he was saying now didn’t make sense.

‘What do you want me to say?’ I wrapped my arms around my body. ‘I hardly know you … There are so many things I don’t know about you …’ I took a step closer to him.

‘Like what?’ A couple of lines appeared on Evan’s forehead. ‘I’ve told you everything about me.’

‘You haven’t told me about why you ran away? You kind of just skimmed over it.’

He drew in his breath and the silence was prickly. ‘You really want to know?’

‘Of course I want to know.’

I wasn’t going to bring up what I’d seen in the back of his car. He’d think I had pried. Gone behind his back.

‘You must have felt quite strongly … to just disappear,’ I said. ‘I mean your mum—’

‘She didn’t care,’ he snapped. ‘She put on a good show, I’ll give her that. But she was lost in her own world. Her boyfriends. The alcohol she got through every night. She didn’t even notice I was there most of the time.’

‘So you ran away … to get her attention?’ I said, tentatively.

He shook his head and gave a strange humourless laugh.

‘Not exactly. It was her I was running away from. Her fits of anger. The fact that she didn’t get out of bed till midday and that our house was dirty and squalid and no matter how many times I cleared up, by the next day it was all filthy again.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I said, thinking how I took my own mother for granted. ‘What was wrong with her?’

‘Depressed,’ he muttered. ‘But wouldn’t do anything about it … Not until she suddenly realised I was gone. And then she got frightened and started acting like the concerned parent. I guess
she
wanted the attention. She even got to be on TV in Australia.’ He shook his head. ‘Everyone thought she was a saint.’ He looked at me. ‘You’d think that, if you met her. She can be so “normal” when it suits her.’

I took hold of his hand, which felt freezing for some reason. ‘Evan. I can see how you’d be weird about relationships. I mean … I’ve never been involved with a boy before a few months ago. I have no idea what I’m doing. But I do know I am incredibly attracted to you. And I admire you …’ I paused. ‘I think you’re kind of moody sometimes, but you have your reasons for that I guess. Your family …’

Evan gripped my hand tightly. ‘I’ve got you now, though. You’re like my family …’

I smiled as brightly as I could back at him, but his intensity and the responsibility that came with his last statement felt heavy and oppressive. I knew I’d never fall for a regular laid-back type, but was Evan more than I could cope with?

I left Evan in town and walked back with Bobby. I should have been skipping home, ecstatic that someone like him felt that way about me. The freak. But instead I felt anxious. And in a corner of my heart I felt a sort of homesickness.

For Luca. Who made me feel neither of those things. I had no idea how love was supposed to feel, and I guessed that it isn’t about feeling at home with somebody or even being understood. That’s what friends are for. Being in love is about excitement and challenge and your heart wanting to burst out of your chest.

Wasn’t it?

The house was quiet when I got back. Dad was working outside as I came to the end of the track and he waved at me, whistling to Bobby. Mum was doing something in the kitchen and Dot was engrossed in something on TV. I slipped upstairs to my bedroom and stood staring at myself in the mirror. I felt about a hundred years older than I had before I’d met Evan … and Luca.

I glanced down, to find the photograph – my souvenir from Nissilum. But it was not where I’d left it. I frowned. I needed that picture.

I went out on to the landing and stuck my head down the stairwell.

‘Dot!’ I yelled.

‘What?’

‘Can you come up here for a sec?’

I heard Dot’s feeble groan in protest, but she appeared out of the living room, a semi-quizzical, semi-annoyed look on her face.

‘I thought you’d gone out with Evan?’ she said, craning her head to check out my expression. ‘What’s the matter with you?’

‘Nothing.’ I waved dismissively, then dropped my voice to a loud whisper. ‘Did you take the photo?’

‘What photo?’ She screwed up her nose. ‘You mean that weird photo of the boy? No.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘What would I want with a photo of a boy?’

‘Fine. It doesn’t matter. Get back to whatever crap you’re watching on TV.’

Dot rolled her eyes again and turned back into the living room.

I stayed where I was, listening to the TV, to the sounds of my mother in the kitchen. Then I went back into my room and got down on the floor, looking under the chest, under my bed. Nothing.

I growled in frustration. That photograph was my connection with Luca, with a world that otherwise I could easily believe I had only imagined. I sat back on my knees, shutting my eyes. My reality seemed so blurred in that moment. Trying to feel connected to a human boy, someone who was willing to let down his barriers for me. But instead missing a boy whose very existence I couldn’t prove to myself, let alone anyone else.

My head felt thick, clouding up, like the worst headache was about to come. I put my hands over my ears, as if that would help. Through the fug in my brain, I could hear words circling, indistinct. I closed my eyes trying to focus on them.

You’re not safe
.

Clear as a bell, the voice spoke in my head. I opened my eyes, looking around me.

There was no one there.

He is not safe
.

The same voice again. My heartbeat was accelerating and I put one hand to my chest.

‘Who is it?’ I said weakly into the silence of my room.

I can’t find you
.

‘Luca,’ I whispered. ‘Is it you? Are you here?’

I could almost feel his hands, gently holding my shoulders as I sat, still crouched on the floor. And I put one hand up to take the one I was sure would be there.

But there was nothing.

E
van was now working part-time with my dad. Helping him out with a few jobs. I should have been pleased. Evan being around more should mean we could start to relax around each other. Mum was even feeding him. But he was a little awkward around her, a bit stiff. He didn’t want to talk about his family much and, being my mum, she did.

The truth is when he took a break and we spent time alone together, he was more interested in the physical side of our relationship. Every conversation I started he’d stop by kissing me, or telling me how pretty and sexy I was. He was attentive and gorgeous and he took my breath away, especially when he was outside working with Dad, wearing a faded, floppy T-shirt that accentuated his muscular arms. Yes, I still wanted him. His touch still made my skin tingle. But lately he seemed almost needy.

I wanted us to talk. I wanted him to tell me more about himself, but all we did was lie about, making out with each other.

As hot as he was, that was starting to lose its appeal.

‘He’s a quiet boy, isn’t he?’ Mum said after he’d gone home one evening and we were sitting in the kitchen. ‘I get the feeling he had a rough childhood.’

‘He did,’ I said, flipping through my GCSE Maths revision notes. I’d be lucky if I scraped a pass.

‘Oh?’ She was curious. ‘What happened?’

‘His mum was a depressive. That’s why he ran away.’

‘Really?’ Mum looked shocked. ‘Poor kid. Poor woman.’

‘Hmmm.’ I put down my notes. ‘But it’s so hard, Mum. He’s so coiled up in that way. He’s happiest when he’s chopping up bits of wood, or driving around, or playing with the dog … doing physical stuff. It’s like everything else is out of bounds.’

‘Not everyone is lucky enough to have two parents together and relatively sane,’ she said, getting up and taking some pastry out of the fridge. ‘You should have a little more compassion. I know you had a horrible time at school. But you had us. He’s had to mature very quickly. His life has been more complicated.’

Not as complicated as Luca’s, I thought.

‘But things are different now. He’s free of all that stuff … yet he still acts like the mixed-up kid.’ I sighed. ‘It’s not like he’s
talking
about it … I wish he would. But it’s hanging over him all the same. I’m not sure I can just ignore it. But … I’m not sure I’m ready for it either.’

Or I didn’t want to be. It was funny how I had entangled myself willingly with Luca, yet I wasn’t prepared to do the same with Evan.

‘He’s dealing with trauma,’ said Mum. ‘He’s not going to get over it just like that.’ She frowned. ‘You need to grow up a little. People aren’t perfect.’

‘I know.’ I was being immature. Maybe I had got a little spoiled. Got used to having Luca and Evan meeting all my needs between them. Mum was right. And Luca wasn’t here. If he and I really had that strong a bond between us, why hadn’t I seen him since the ball? I remembered his words to Lowe that night. He couldn’t have been more clear. His feelings for me were just platonic, whereas Evan wanted me as his girlfriend.

I picked up the notes again and scraped back my chair.

‘I’m going upstairs to do some more revision,’ I said grumpily.

Mum stopped rolling out the pastry to look up at me, concerned.

‘It’ll work itself out, you know,’ she said, with a half-smile. ‘It always does.’

I
 pulled myself together after Mum and I had our chat. You can’t have everything. And what I had was pretty good. I had a lot to look forward to. Everything was just fine.

So when I looked up to see Luca finally in front of me, I couldn’t account for the happiness I felt, along with the shock.

His face had a little more colour to it, his green eyes vivid against his skin. I couldn’t help the broad smile stretching over my face. How could I have ever thought he looked weird?

‘You came!’ I said stupidly. ‘How did you—?’

‘Sssh.’ Luca put his finger to my lips. ‘I can’t stay long …’ His eyes ran over my face. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been here … I was … I saw things. I didn’t know what to …’ He hesitated, looking anxious. ‘But I couldn’t stay away any longer. I had to see you.’

I wasn’t really listening to what he was saying. All I could think was that I knew he wouldn’t abandon me. Deep down I knew he’d come back. Everything was going to be all right.

I grinned stupidly at him, ignoring his serious expression.

‘I’m so glad to see you,’ I said. ‘I’ve missed you more than I ever thought—’

He put his hand on my arm and it felt ominous. ‘I came to warn you.’

‘Luca, what is it? Has something happened … ?’

‘Listen, Jane,’ he said firmly. ‘I have been seeing things. Bad things. Things I can’t make sense of, but I had to warn you.’

I was starting to feel scared. ‘Warn me about what?’

Luca’s eyes darted about nervously; he sat awkwardly on Dad’s bench, where I’d come to get away from my confused feelings. Or sort them out. Or something.

‘Evan,’ he said. ‘Evan is not good for you.’

I frowned. ‘You’ve been getting more of those pictures in your head?’

Luca nodded. ‘He’s just not what he seems, Jane. There’s something not right about what he’s saying to you … I don’t know why, but I have this feeling he is going to hurt you.’

I stared at him for a few seconds before the smile returned to my face.

‘Come on … This is a joke, right?’

‘I tried to speak to you yesterday … I thought you could hear me …’ Luca held my gaze. ‘I know you could hear me.’

‘I heard you …’ I recalled Luca’s words the day before. ‘You’re serious, aren’t you?’

He looked right into my eyes. ‘I hope not. But I hardly ever get premonitions—’

‘Wait a minute,’ I interrupted him. ‘Premonitions?’

I realised I was glaring at him. As happy as I had been to see him when he arrived, my mood had changed. Why did everything have to be so intense? Wasn’t it enough that I was straddling two different worlds; that I had a boyfriend like a Greek god who was inexplicably devoted to me? Now here was Luca, who had come into my life and turned it upside down with his ‘premonitions’.