Daring the Wild Sparks (19 page)

She answers, “I don’t know if I can talk about it.”
What
?
Why
?

“Even with me?”

She doesn’t respond right off, but eventually says, “
Especially
with you.”

What the hell
?

Now
I’m
depressed.

Turning my head, I close my eyes. I know what it’s about already, but I ask anyway, “Is it about what I think it’s about?” I hope not because this weekend has been hard enough for me, even before my mother’s help.

“No.”

Not
the answer I expected to hear.

I open my eyes and incredulously repeat, “
No
?”

She folds her arms over her chest and stares at her car. “No. And, in case you’re wondering, what I told your aunt is the truth. I give up on it.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing from her. Is this
my
Becks I’m talking to? I couldn’t have heard her right once again. She’s surprising the hell out of me tonight, so I ask, “You
what
?”

Becks bites her lip and she looks exhausted, not from lack of sleep, but from whatever she’s struggling with. She whispers, “I said I give up.”

Why does that floor me? I should be thankful and be fucking delirious, but I’m not. Has she really given up on holding out for marriage? Because contrary to how I should feel about her statement, I actually don’t want her to give up. Becks doesn’t realize how much my resolve is crumbling.

Well, it was until dinner at my mother’s.

Damn it. I’m so fucking torn.

I clear my throat so I am able to speak, but still barely able to ask, “So, you don’t want to marry me anymore?” I stare at her intently, willing her to tell me that she hasn’t truly given up; although, after dinner yesterday, I unquestionably can’t marry her now.

Subsequently, why do I want her to hold onto something that I won’t give her?

Because I’m a total dick
.

I watch her choke back what she wants to say and restively stuffs a handful of hair behind her ears. She takes a deliberate breath
. “No.”

I gulp as her revelation kicks me in the stomach. Now, I’m holding onto the door frame not to keep her from getting in, but to keep me standing up.

She asks, “What?” I’m still too stunned to form any words. Becks then hurriedly questions, “Aren’t you relieved? I’m sure this is like the weight of the world being lifted from your shoulders.”
No, I’m not relieved
.

I’m unexpectedly…heartbroken.

She quietly moves to open the door, and my hand falls as if I were holding a bag of bricks. As she sits down, I turn around and close my eyes as I shove a hand into my hair. My heart races in sudden panic.

Am I already losing my Becks because of my steadfast unwillingness to marry her?

I don’t want to get married, but then again, I undeniably do. My brain tells me that I don’t want to, yet my heart is screaming for me to grab Becks’ hand, get down on my knee, and ask her the million dollar question before whisking her off to Vegas.

And I almost did all that yesterday.

I purposelessly walk away from Becks and her car, still in shock. As I pace over to the edge of the soccer field, I put both hands on my hips and gaze out into the yawning darkness. This is where I used to play with my summer soccer league as a forward. I can’t see the goalie nets, but I know they’re there. My team was coincidentally the Rebels. I loved it, but I loved baseball more and was better at it than soccer.

Consequently, between our fight and fucking dinner yesterday was an entirely different story. Ricky and I had gone to pick up more beer, giving me a chance to cool off. On the way there, I told him about Becks agreeing to move in with me, as well as asking me to get her pregnant, which oddly didn’t seem to faze him, like he somehow expected that damn bombshell. I then mentioned that I told her to go on the Pill. Now
that
actually surprised Ricky, and even more astonishingly, he chose Becks’ side, denouncing me as being one-sided and taking more from her than I am willing to give back. In total, he said that keeping her a secret for three years and hounding her to move in with me, but refusing to marry her or give her a baby, and on top of that, telling her to go on the Pill, isn’t fair. Like Ricky knows shit about being
fair
.

Then he shocked me even further by informing me that I will definitely lose Becks if I don’t marry her or knock her up.

And I very well could have last night.

After the initial fight with Becks, I needed her to know that I love her and I still want us to be together. Accepting the fact that Ricky may be right about my relationship with her, I knew I needed to do something. Choosing the one with instant gratification, I guess, I decided to propose since there’s an escape clause, unlike with a baby. I didn’t have a ring for her, but was going to propose anyway. I normally think things through before putting any kind of plan into action, but this time, I uncharacteristically wasn’t. I have to say, our fight truly shook me up. I was afraid that she was sick of waiting for me or tired of giving me so much, yet getting nothing in return; therefore, she was finally going to ditch me for good.

The one thing I had planned was that I was going to do it after dinner. I wasn’t even sure about the where or how, only that I knew I was getting down on my knee. I realize it wasn’t the most romantic plan, especially without a ring, but I was intending to explain to her that I would get her one when we got back home, or even in Dover. Whatever she wanted.

The only thing I
didn’t
know was if I was going to actually follow through with marrying her. As I said, I don’t have such a big problem with getting engaged. It’s the
married,
happily-ever-after part that snags me.

In all actuality, it wouldn’t have been the first time I’d be proposing to Becks.

She’s never caught me, but every night we’re together, after she falls asleep, I whisper to her that question I know she’s dying for me to ask her. That allows me to share my secret with her, while keeping it from her at the same time. She often answers me with a yes, but luckily, she never remembers in the morning. I have to be more vigilant because there have been a few occasions I’ve woken her up from my amused snickering next to her.

Hence, technically, we’re already engaged.

Becks just doesn’t know it.

Even so, getting engaged to her is one thing. Actually marrying her is quite another.

Ricky was right, but I can’t marry her now, not after what happened with my mom and Jack.

If Becks wants to get engaged—for real—I’ll do it with the stipulation that I still don’t want to get married, thus the loophole, if you will. However, can I actually
avoid
a wedding if I ask her to
marry
me? That is such a damned contradiction. Would that even really be an engagement then? Engaged to be what, unmarried forever?

Fuck.

A hand goes to my shoulder. “Hey, bro. You okay?” Ricky asks.

Watching airplane lights flashing in the night sky, I mumble, “She said she doesn’t want to marry me.”

“Yeah. She told me.”

I shake my head and laugh without a trace of humor. “I should be relieved. Why am I not?”

Ricky sighs. “You know why you’re not, man. You
want
to marry her.”

I shake my head more emphatically this time and heave my hands into my pockets. Looking away from Ricky and over to the black soccer field, I reply, “I can’t.”

He scoffs, “You were going to ask her yesterday, Finn. You can’t deny that. I was there.”

Tilting my head to look at him, I resolutely say, “I was wrong. I can’t. Not since…”

Ricky clasps my shoulder. “Don’t let that change your mind. You two are so good together and it’ll only get better once you’re hitched.”

I scowl and dubiously ask, “Why in the hell are you suddenly advocating marriage so much when you’ve been married twice, and you cheated the first time you were married?”

He sighs as a cold breeze sharply whips around us. “Because I believe in you two.” He puts his hand on his chest and shakes his head. “I’ve made my mistakes, and you’d be making a huge one, too, if you let Hadley go.”

“I’m not letting her go, Ricky.” I sigh and glance over at the car to see Becks quickly look away. “When I first started dating her, you said I could cheat on her and you would never tell. And now, ironically, you’re the one telling me to marry her when you used to sleep with any woman who breathed in your direction.” I regard him warily. “Now
you
seem to be on the up-and-up with your marriage.”

“I am, especially after my best friend angrily threatened to rip my balls off if I cheated on Shay.” Nodding, I laugh and he says, “I would never do that again. I don’t think I’d be granted another annulment, either. If Shay and I ever get divorced, I’ll never be allowed to show my face in a church again.”

“Probably not. I’m 99 percent sure that your mother would also punch you in the face.”

He laughs, but knows I’m stating the truth. “No doubt, man.”

“My mom and Jack used to love each other. My
parents
used to love each other. So, you see that people do change.”

“Finn, yes. People do change. That can’t be helped. A lot of times, it’s for the better.
I’ve
changed since knowing you. I’m not going to cheat on Shay like I did Nina and I will no longer condone you ever cheating on Hadley. I’ve grown up some, I guess you could say.”

“Well, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love my Becks. I can’t live without her. I want us to spend the rest of our lives together, but I feel like if we get married, I’ll only end up losing her.” I close my eyes and gruffly mutter, “If I lost her, my life would be over, Ricky.”

I open my eyes to see his annoyance. “Stop saying that. It’s creepy.”

I skeptically ask, “You think I’m joking?”

Ricky’s brown-eyed stare stabs me as he slowly shakes his head and snaps, “No. That’s the creepy part. You’d better
never
do anything stupid like that.”

I give him a pointed look, but then look past him. “Maybe I won’t wear a seatbelt or a helmet. I might accidentally not buckle a harness or check my equipment. Maybe I’d…” I catch the church in my peripheral as I’m talking about the ways I’d end it all.

Ricky puts his hand back on my shoulder, gripping hard. “Finn, don’t
ever
talk like that again. If something would happen with you and Hadley, you’d make it through. You have me. You
always
will. I’m not going anywhere. If you ever need me, I’m here. All you have to do is pick up the phone or show up at my door.”

I grumble at the ground, “You sound like a country song.”

He angrily retorts, “Do you think
I’m
joking?” I lift my head and he says, “Do you know how enraged I’d be if you did something to yourself? I ought to kick your ass for talking like that.”

I nod my head to the side. “We’re still in front of a church.”

“I don’t give a damn. You can’t say things like that.”

I don’t say anything as I look back at the car. Becks has her head bowed. “I’m so confused,” I whisper. “I’ll lose her if I marry her, yet I’ll also lose her if I don’t. What do I do?”

Ricky takes a deep breath. “I think the risk of losing her is astronomical if you
don’t
marry her. Your fear of losing her because you get married is just a tad bit irrational.”

I apprehensively shake my head and sigh before turning and walking back to the car.

As I get into the driver’s seat, I furtively glance over at Becks while Ricky climbs in behind me. With uncertainty, I grab her hand and hold it in mine.

When we’re on the interstate, she finally moves her hand and our fingers slide together. I look over at her and smile, but she doesn’t notice since she’s gazing out her window.

I catch Ricky in the rearview, reminding me of our reverse positions last Sunday night at the club. He nods his head and stares at me until I have to look back to the road.

What do I do about Becks? I grip the steering wheel, as well as Becks’ hand and try to answer my own damned question.