Dare to Breathe (12 page)

His hands reach out to catch me and his eyes open wide. “Oh fuck!” he says.

I hear a mumble from the room. Ben hears the noise, looks back at my face with concern and instantly lets me go. I flee as fast as I can out of the house, not even stopping to grab my bag.

Chapter Twenty-Three

I end up at Sally’s. Sally’s face lights up but as she sees me close up her smile drops and she slows right down. “What the hell happened to you?”

I just discovered Nathan in bed with a stranger after he kissed me passionately just last night!

“Um, nothing, I’m just tired,” I tell her with a tight smile.

“Bastard!” she says. “Come on in and tell us all about it.”

Seriously? Is everyone around me psychic?
She takes me by the shoulders and drags me over to the counter. The café is quiet at this time of the morning but I know it won’t be long before it gets crazy.

“Hey, Sally; whatever happened to Arnie?” I ask her, thinking of the first day Mandy brought me to meet these two amazing women. I realize I need to thank Mandy for bringing me to Beth and Sally.

“What? Who?” she asks looking puzzled.

“You know, that person who was meant to be here the day I started but was sick or something,” I mumble looking at her pretty face which is as usual bright red from running around getting things ready.

She pauses, looks at me funny once again, and then laughs. “Are you trying to deflect this conversation?”

“What? No! I am just curious,” I tell her and think,
damn why does every conversation have to be about Nathan?

“Arnie quit the morning of the day you started. I think he was freaked out at the idea of working with three strong women. It was like you were meant to be and I am so glad Mandy made me hire you!” She pats my cheek affectionately. “So, you gonna tell me what happened?”

I tell her all about Nathan and how he has looked out for me, how when he was drunk he kissed me and told me he loves me. I tell how he is always the first one to check on me if I have had a nightmare, how he is always there in the kitchen waiting for me and how this morning despite all of this, I found him in bed with another girl.

“Have you told him how you feel about him?” she asks after I unload it all.

“Did you not hear the part where he was in bed with another woman?” I ask.

“Look, I’m no expert on men, but from what you told me, and from what I see when he comes in here, this boy is head over heels in love with you. I would guess he is using this other gal to get you off his mind.”

I give her a pfft and cross my hands in front of my chest.
As if!
She smiles and then gets up, gives me a quick hug and gets busy with the customers. I wallow in my own thoughts. I even forget about meeting Jess. I just sit there all morning watching the world go past me, wishing I was far, far away. How can I confront Nathan about how I feel when I don’t even know what that looks like? My head is so confused with thoughts of wanting him, not feeling I can have him, and fear of messing up our relationship.

At lunch time Beth walks past and drops a plate in front of me. “You better eat that,” she says. “It’s our new special and I need you fit and healthy so I can get you back in here to help.” Without a backward glance she heads back into the kitchen.

I look at the food and my stomach grumbles. I realize I haven’t eaten since lunch time on the plane the previous day. I tuck into the warm lamb pie and eat it in about two seconds flat. Feeling more stable, I realize I have to face my problems and man up so I go into the kitchen with the empty plate, rinse it and shove it into the dishwasher. Then I go over to Beth, wrap my arms around her and place my head on her shoulder. “Thanks Beth. I don’t know what I would do without you and Sally,” I mumble into her hair.

She pats me on the head awkwardly and then pushes me off so she can look me in the eye. “You’re practically family with the amount of time you spend with us. Family means sometimes we want to kick your ass but it also means when you’re hurting, well, then we want to kick whoever’s ass it is that is hurting you,” she tells me gruffly.

Her words make me smile and suddenly I know that no matter what, I can get through crap if I have people around me who care about me. I hug her once more and then walk back out into the main area.

Sally grabs my hand as I turn to walk out the door. “Hey Sam, go bust his balls,” she says. I laugh out loud and slowly make my way home.

I get home around two p.m. and by this time the whole place is spotless. It’s as if last night never happened and for a second I actually pray it was all just another bad dream.

I go into the living room where I see Mandy and Carrie watching some crap on TV.

“Sam!” Mandy says, jumping up and throwing her arms around me. “Oh, my God, it’s so good to see you.”

“Hey,” I reply. “Were you here last night? I didn’t see you,” I ask sitting down next to her.

She looks away guiltily for a moment but then turns back to me. “Yeah I was. It got a bit crazy didn’t it? I ended up just going to bed,” she answers me with a smile.

“Well, I don’t know about that,” I say with a laugh. “I went to bed too and just tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.”

Carrie looks over at me with a frown. “You could have joined in you know.”

“No offense, but those sorts of parties are so not my thing, but hey, this is your house.” I gesture to the both of them.

Carrie looks annoyed but Mandy’s face drops. “No, you’re wrong, this is your place too! We should have asked you but we got back and we just thought we…”

“I know I know,” I gripe back. “You needed to unwind!”

They both look at me now. One set of eyes looks pissed, the other guilty. I take a deep breath and sigh. “Look it’s no big deal. It was just a party and you know what, I am actually glad to see you both. I’ve missed you guys!”

Both girls relax and start to talk at the same time telling me about their Christmas as Ben walks in.

“Say it, you missed my cooking, right?” he says, walking past me and ruffling my hair with a big grin.

“Whatever,” I reply, rolling my eyes. Well actually, I did miss his food, even though my mom can cook, but no way am I going to tell him. His inflated ego alone would drive me nuts.

He takes a seat and looks at me. “So, you…um…you okay?” he asks seriously.

Both girls look at me curiously. There is no way I am confessing what I saw this morning to them. I look Ben dead in the eye and tell the best lie I have ever told. “I am fine.”

His eyes look at me for a second longer and then he relaxes into a smile, either deciding that I really am fine or that he doesn’t want to pick at open scabs.

“So…other than a crazy kick ass party, what have you guys been up to?” I ask them.

This sets them off and they tell me further bits and pieces about their Christmas while I try and nod and pretend I am not thinking of Nathan.

* * * *

“So, are you ever going to talk to me again?” Nathan asks me Monday morning as I am rushing out to go to college.

“Huh? What do you mean?” I ask shrugging like I have no idea that I haven’t spoken one word to him since the night before when he finally came downstairs and joined us.

He’d tried to act as though all was fine between us and nothing had changed but I ignored him, moving away from him physically and mentally.

“Sam,” he says, putting down his piece of toast and looking at me intently. “I really think we need to talk about last night.”

Oh hell no!
I smile, shrug my shoulders as if to say ‘
whatever
’, then in a last minute attempt to distract him, grab his toast off his plate and walk out. It feels good taking away what he wants for once and I hope it pisses him off at least half as much as his actions have been annoying me.

Chapter Twenty-Four

“I think I need to move out,” I blurt out to Doctor Sandy during my session the following week.

“Why, what’s making you feel this way?” she asks me.

“Well, really it’s all about ‘He who shall not be named’ scowling at me and constantly trying to get me to talk to him. It is kind of wearing me down,” I tell her, avoiding her gaze. She has a beautiful desk in the room which is a dark polished wood. I have never seen her sit near it and I wonder if it is just for show.

“Samantha, have you told him how you feel?” she says, bringing my attention back to her.

“Jesus, you sound like Sally! You haven’t been talking to her have you?” I ask.

“You know our sessions are confidential. Why would I tell Sally?” she replies.

I know I am just being stupid. “It’s just she said the same thing to me,” I mumble.

“Hmm,” is all she says.

“Yeah, so I know I probably should talk to him but what if he breaks my heart?”

“What if he doesn’t?” she says back.

I continue to stare at my hands. I notice my purple nail polish is all chipped and start imagining what shade of color I should buy next.

Doctor Sandy takes a deep breath and says, “You haven’t spoken about the nightmares lately.”

Surprised, I look up at her. “Now you mention it, I haven’t had one in a while! Why do you think that is?”

“Sometimes when we face our problems head on, they stop scaring us when we let our defenses down, as in your case, when you are asleep,” she says. “This doesn’t mean this is over for you. You still have some things to work through, don’t you think?”

I nod but her words do make me feel lighter. In some ways I have started to face my problems and I am feeling a bit better. “You know,” I tell her, “I don’t think I will leave my house. If Nathan wants to play games, he can be the one to leave.”

Doctor Sandy doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

I slam the front door as I walk in, and shout, “Hi honey, I’m home.”

This is the new me, bold and brave and no longer hiding away in the corner! I walk through to the living room pulling my bag off over my head as I walk in. When I am finally untangled from my bag I notice four sets of confused eyes looking up at me.

“Who the hell are you and what have you done with Sam?” Carrie asks.

“It’s me, but I am done moping!” I say, pushing Ben’s legs off the sofa and sitting down next to him.

“Well, hell-a-loo-ya!” shouts Carrie, laughing at me.

I join her but the others still look at me curiously. I can’t quite get my eyes to look over at Nathan. I may be playing brave but my heart still hurts when I picture him in bed with that girl.

“So, Ben,” I ask, getting comfortable, “what’s for dinner?”

“Um.” Ben clears his throat. “Actually we decided to let you loose again. You know, give you another shot at trying to cook a meal that won’t kill us.”

What? Is he serious?
“Great,” I say. “Let me go and check out what we have.” I get up but feel someone get up too.
No, no, no!
I finally have to look at him. “Nathan, I got this!” I say putting my hand up in front of him to stop him.

“No offense, but the only reason I agreed to this was if I could ‘assist,” he says, smirking at me. “Besides, someone owes me some toast,” he whispers as he walks past. His warm breath in my ear makes my body tingle, damn, maybe stealing it off his plate was pretty stupid.

I huff at him but he is already walking out into the kitchen. I remember we are surrounded by our roommates who eye us with even more curiosity. I hear Mandy giggle. I give her a glare and stalk out after Nathan.

I ignore him standing against the counter in his usual black T-shirt and blue, faded jeans that sit on his body as if they have been molded to fit him. I open up the fridge to peer inside. I see a jar of tomatoes, some carrots, one measly onion and a whole container of milk. Shit! I have no idea what to do with that. I bang the fridge shut and pick up the phone. As I call the pizza delivery I hear Nathan laugh.
Bastard
.

Eventually I have to put the phone down and face Nathan. He is still standing and still watching me.

“Samantha, we haven’t really spoken since you came back. I miss you,” he says.

“Nathan, you forget, we spoke the night of the party.
I
remember it clearly,” I reply.

“Samantha, I do remember that too. It’s stuck in my brain,” he whispers back.

“Yes, I can see it affected you very much, so much in fact that you jumped into bed with the nearest bimbo,” I hiss at him bitterly. I feel tears start to prick my eyes. I am frustrated by my own feelings and frustrated by his actions.
What the hell does he actually want from me?

“Fuck,” Nathan says, angrily shaking his head and then running his hand through his hair. “I am a dick. Don’t you think I know that Sam?” He tries to get right in my space.

“No, Nathan. You owe me nothing. There is nothing between us. You were just drunk.” I push him back with my finger on his chest. I know my words hurt him by the way he looks at me but in some ways, even though I am lying, I want him to hurt.