Dare to Breathe (4 page)

I carefully open my eyes and see Nathan. He is holding me gently. He has no shirt on and only black boxer shorts on which would normally freak me out but my rational mind starts to take over and all I can do is sob. I push his arms away, not wanting or needing the contact.

Nathan resists but then I feel his arms drop away from me. With only one hand he tentatively starts stroking my back, and I let him.

“Shh, you’re okay. You’re safe,” is all he says. We stay like this for a long time until all my tears have drained away.

I try and pull away from him again but he stops me.

“You okay?” he says gently.

I just nod and wipe my face, trying to gain some sense of control. Clearly I am not okay, but he doesn’t need to know this about me.

Nathan looks at me a second longer and then stands up. “If you need me, just call,” he says, looking up through the ceiling of my room. I understand then that because his room is right above mine, he hears me just the same way I hear him. I start to panic. I don’t want to leave here because I keep someone else awake at night. My breath quickens and I tense up.

Nathan looks confused. “You
are
safe here,” he says.

I pull further away and tuck my legs under my chin. “Please don’t make me leave. I promise I’ll try not to wake you when I have nightmares,” I whisper.

His eyes widen. “This happens a lot?” he asks.

I just nod glumly at him.

“Want to talk about it?”

I shake my head
‘no’
and continue to rest my head on my knees.

“Sam, don’t sweat it okay? You know me by now. I was awake anyway,” he says gently, lifting my chin so I look into his beautiful eyes.

I try not to let any more tears escape and pull my face away from his touch. Hearing his gentle tone and his kind words makes me feel safe, despite him being so close, so I just nod.

Sighing, he gets up and for a moment, I stare at him. His chest is tanned and ripped showing a body that clearly gets worked hard. I glance again at his tattoo and realize it is a symbol woven around his biceps. It looks dark and intimidating but also good from this position, so I quickly look back down. Nathan looks at me once more as he stands at my doorway then turns around and is gone. I can’t believe I let another man get so close to me. The only person who has ever done that since ‘before,’ is my foster dad. My eyes flick once again at my photo. Tonight is going to be another long sleepless one I realize with another sigh, as I lie down.

I wonder with dread when I get up the next morning if Nathan has told everyone what I did. I try and stay in my room until everyone has left, but I am desperate for the toilet. I put on a bathrobe and walk barefoot into the kitchen.

Nathan is sitting there on his favorite chair drinking coffee.

He gives me a little smile. “Morning,” is all he says.

I mumble something back and then run up the stairs to the toilet. I know I will have to face him properly but once again, I feel panic.
What can I say?

Eventually, after ten minutes hiding in the bathroom, I walk back downstairs.

Nathan is still very much there. He points to the chair next to me and says, “We need to talk.”

Shit
I think…
here we go
. I grab myself a coffee, stalling for time and then sit next to him.

“So, you okay this morning?” he asks, his eyes looking deeply into mine.

I sip my coffee and nod.

“Look, I am not sure what is going on in your head but I want you to know two things. Firstly, I am here if you need someone to talk to and secondly, your secret is safe with me.”

I release the breath I didn’t even know I was holding and nod my thanks to him.

“Um, ahh, it’s nothing, just stupid nightmares. I have been having them since I was six and well…you know…they just stick.”

“You been to someone to see what triggers them?”

“I…I can’t,” is all I stammer back.

He sits back in his chair and looks at me in frustration.

“Sam, it’s not my place to bug you, but damn, you scared the shit out of me last night and I just want you to know that whatever it is, I am here okay?”

I blink back grateful tears and smile at him. “Thanks,” I murmur.

He nods solemnly and gets up. “Well, I better get going, nothing like a full day of biology to get me moving.”

“What are you studying?” I ask him, suddenly curious and embarrassed that despite being here awhile now, I haven’t even gotten to know what he studies.

“Well, Samantha,” he says, using my full name for the first time, “you are looking at a future kick ass vet! Only two more years to go.”

I return the smile with a stupid grin of my own and watch him as he walks out the kitchen and out of the house.

Chapter Seven

I head off to Sally’s straight after my last class of the day. I decide to walk as the weather is so warm at this time of year. Maybe the walk will soothe some of my nerves. It takes me twenty minutes from college to the café but I still get there too early. I see it is busy as usual with college kids streaming in and out after a day spent studying.

“Hi Sally,” I say when I see her rushing with a slice of cake and two coffees on one tray. I smile at her appearance. Her hair is even wilder today and sticking out at mad angles. She wears a neon pink T-shirt and lime green shorts. The combination would look crazy on anyone else but on her, the look just fits.

“Oh, my God; am I happy to see you this afternoon!” she replies. “Arnie called in sick so you are desperately needed in the kitchen. Just go do whatever Beth wants and I will come in and check on you later.”

I head into the kitchen where I see piles of dirty dishes and one woman baking and cursing her way around the chaos. Beth is slightly taller than I am and about two hundred pounds heavier. Despite this I have never seen someone move so fast around a kitchen.

She has flaming red hair tied off her face and bright cobalt eyes which pin me down the second she notices me.

“Hi, I’m Sam,” I tell her when she finally stops moving to scowl at me.

“Fan-fucking-tasic! Start loading and unloading the dishwasher,” she replies, throwing a towel in my direction and rushing to take some scones out of the oven.

So I do. I keep going at the breakneck speed of light trying to find some semblance of order in this busy but functional chaos. Hardly any words are spoken between us over the next two hours. At six p.m. Sally walks in looking haggard and tired.

“Afternoon rush is over ladies,” she smiles at us, wiping her crazy curls off her face. “Come and take a breather, as you know it is going to get manic after dinner.”

We both stop what we are doing and follow her into the café. There are still a handful of people around but they have all been served and seem to be content just sitting down. Sally makes us a warm drink and sets it down on the counter. Beth comes behind me with three pieces of chocolate cake, one of which she places one in front of me. She settles down next to Sally and gives her a quick hug. Then all three of us eat and drink together in comfortable silence.

“Beth, this is delicious,” Sally finally says, swiping the last crumb of her cake off her plate.

Beth raises her eyes in a silent smile and takes a big sip of her coffee. “So, Sam, you did good,” she says, turning to me.

I am shocked. I thought with us both rushing around the kitchen she hadn’t even noticed me.

“Not one word of complaint,” she continues to tell Sally. “Even when she walked in and saw all the mess.”

I feel Sally appraising me and realize I have passed some sort of unwritten test.

“Well, if we are going to get you learning, I best be showing you what happens out here too,” Sally says.

Beth gives Sally a loving touch-on her back and then takes our dishes into the kitchen.

Sally then spends the next two hours teaching me how to make coffee;
who knew it could be so hard?
It starts to get really busy again at eight p.m. so I head back into the kitchen and back to supporting Beth.

Ten o’clock comes before I even know it. I am bone tired and a bit gutted I didn’t drive here now. I know I will have to walk back in the dark. I reluctantly wave goodbye to Sally and Beth and walk out into the balmy evening.

The roads are quiet despite it being still fairly early and I have the chance to reflect on the evening. I really enjoyed the bustle of the café and working alongside Sally and Beth. I wonder about their relationship.
Are they a couple?
It doesn’t bother me but it does take my mind off the walk home.

I hear a car coming up behind me along the road and as it nears me it slows down. It stops when it is alongside me.

“Sam? What you doing walking home this time of night?” Nathan yells from the passenger seat of the car. He is sitting next to a girl I have not seen before. She is not pleased to see me, if the scowl on her face is anything to go by.

“I, um, I left my car at home,” I say coming closer to the car window. “It’s fine Nathan, it is an awesome evening.” I wave my hands towards the starry sky.

He mutters something to his friend and then hops out the car. “Well,” he says, coming up to me with a wide grin. “If it’s good enough for you, it’s got to be good enough for me.” He leans into the open window of the driver, pulls her in for a quick kiss and then stands next to me, dismissing her. I hear her mumble something and then she drives off.

“I don’t think your friend was too impressed by that,” I tell him as we walk together.

Nathan laughs and runs his hands through his hair. “She was getting kind of clingy.” He smirks at me. “You actually saved me an embarrassing get away from her.”

“Jesus Nathan!” I play punch him. “Mandy and Carrie were right, you are a chick magnet, and a bastard too!”

“Oh, come on; you never played around before?” he says with a warm smile.

I stop walking as I consider his words. I know he is messing with me.

“No, I haven’t,” is all I say.

He stops and looks back at me. I hear him clear his throat but I have already started walking again.

“Sam wait!” he says as I hurry on, embarrassed by my outburst. He takes my hand and turns me towards him. “I’m sorry if I offended you. I keep forgetting how innocent you are.”

“I am definitely not innocent,” I whisper back. I need to bring this conversation to a close so I give him a half-hearted smile and say, “Besides we can’t all be man whores like you!”

Nathan sees my lame attempt at turning the conversation round and gives me a smile back. “Come on Sleeping Beauty, let’s get you home.”

It’s not until we get to the front door that I realize I have held his hand all the way home and not freaked out.

Chapter Eight

“Alex? Freddie? Where are you two?” I hear my six-year-old self say out loud.

I walk around the apartment looking under mattresses and beds but can’t find anyone. I walk into the kitchen where he is sitting.

“Where are Alex and Freddie?” I ask him.

His eyes slowly turn to me and look at me from head to toe. He smells bad like stale tobacco and body odor. His eyes are red and I wonder if he can remember last night at all.

“Piss off right now Sam,” he finally says, holding onto his head and looking back down at his coffee cup.

“But the boys…” I say.

Without warning he stands up quickly, knocking the chair back as he does so and throwing his cup towards where I am standing. The cup misses me but hits the wall next to me spraying hot coffee all over me.

“I said shut up!” he yells.

I run out the kitchen and into the back yard. I hide behind the shed breathing hard but no one follows me. I stay outside in the cold until nightfall. I see no sign of my brothers and I am scared—scared to move, scared for them, scared for me. I eventually hear the front door slam shut and know ‘he’ will be out for a few hours. I creep inside and head back into the kitchen where I search for food. There is none so I drink some water from the tap and go into my room. I take off my dirty clothes, find my warmest pajamas, and lie under my bed, knowing that when he comes home, he will be stinking drunk. I do not fall asleep until much, much later.

The door bangs open at midnight. I know this because my Mickey Mouse clock Granny bought for me when she was alive, is pointing at the twelve o’clock. I hear uneven footsteps head towards my room. My heart beats faster and I start crying and screaming! No! No! No!

“
Sam, honey. You’re here. You’re safe,” I hear a voice waking me.

I kick out but the hands hold me gently but firmly. I take a deep breath to scream but open my eyes as I do so, seeing a face I am beginning to trust and know, and stop myself just in time. I rest my head on Nathan’s shoulder and cry. He sits there, not moving and not crowding me but gently whispering sweet reassurances until I calm down. He tells me about his life before college living out on a farm. He tells me stories about Ben, Mandy, and Carrie as kids swimming in the creek near his home. He talks and talks and I just sit there absolutely still and listen, letting his voice chase away the demons so fresh in my mind. My muscles relax and I fall gently back down onto my bed. Nathan shifts his weight so he is leaning on the headrest of the bed and continues to talk until, exhausted, I fall back asleep.