Darcy Saga 01 Mr. & Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy (5 page)

He kissed her tenderly and held her close to his chest until their trembling ceased. "You are absolutely correct, dearest. I must help you to understand. This will be painful for me, and awkward, so now it is my turn to beg your patience and ask you listen uninterrupted. Can you do this?"

"You do not even need to ask, my love. Of course I will."

They returned to the sofa. Darcy leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees, and was silent for a long while. Lizzy waited patiently. Slowly he began to speak.

"My earliest childhood memories of my parents are of love." His deep voice was soft, barely above a whisper. "Love toward me and later for Georgiana, naturally. Love for their families and friends. Love for Pemberley and Derbyshire and all the many people whose lives depend on us."

He paused briefly and sighed deeply. "Mostly, though, it is their love for each other that is etched into my mind. When I was very young I took it for granted, did not recognize it for the special emotion it was. All I knew is that they somehow were happier when they were together. Each of their faces would light up when the other entered a room. They were forever touching each other. Not inappropriately, mind you, but in little ways. Doors, which should have been open during the daylight hours, would be inexplicably locked. Sometimes in the middle of the day, they would both simply disappear to return later with a glow on their faces."

He blushed slightly as he revealed these private events. "Naturally I did not understand any of it until much, much later. Once, when I was perhaps nine or ten, I entered the parlor to see my mother sitting on my father's lap and they were kissing in a way I had never seen before. They did not see me and I left abruptly. I went directly to Mrs. Reynolds and told her what I had witnessed. I was not disturbed by it but simply curious. She laughed and told me it was perfectly natural and that someday I would understand." He smiled. "Then she said, 'In the future, Master Fitzwilliam, you would be wise to knock before entering a room,' and I always did."

Darcy's smile left his face and he swallowed before continuing. "When I was almost twelve, Georgiana was born. My mother had been ill throughout her confinement and Georgiana's birth was a difficult one. My mother almost died and, in fact, was close to death for several weeks afterward. My father was beside himself.

"I had come to rely on his temperate nature, implacable steadfastness, and seriousness. He was the type of man who could handle any crisis with wisdom and incredible patience. This is not merely a child's hero worship, Elizabeth; everyone declared this about him. He could not handle this, though. I do not think he slept more than a few hours at a time for weeks. I saw something in his face I had never seen before: fear. Fear of losing my mother."

Elizabeth knew she had promised not to interrupt, but she could not resist moving a bit closer and taking his hand. He squeezed her hand gratefully and met her eyes, smiling slightly.

"My mother did recover, and life, for the most part, returned to how it had been. She was weaker, more fragile than previously. My father hovered over her and, if possible, was extra attentive. Over the next years I puzzled over their relationship. I was still young but, always precocious, demanded knowledge on subjects that were often beyond my comprehension. My father encouraged this thirst for education on my part. My mother and Mrs. Reynolds endeavored, in vain, to make me laugh more, not to be so serious all the time."

He looked at Elizabeth with a twinkle in his eyes. "At Netherfield, when you teased me about being proud and said how you dearly loved to laugh, it was as if my mother were in the room putting the words on your lips. You are very like her, Elizabeth. Your wit is perhaps more caustic and sharp, but she found humor in the smallest things, as you do." He took a moment to caress her cheek and gave a brief kiss.

"I digress, however. As I said, I was curious. I observed the behaviors of the other married couples we knew. Some, like my uncle, Lord Matlock, and my aunt, obviously cared for and respected each other. Others, especially my Aunt Catherine and Uncle Louis, quite clearly despised each other. People marry for many reasons: security, position, lust, furtherance of the line. None of these reasons bring true happiness, as my parents possessed.

"All through my life, I have been inquisitive on this subject, and many others, truth be told. Mrs. Reynolds will delight in telling you stories, I am sure." He smiled wryly. "Rarely have I found a marriage like my parents were blessed with. In each case it has been a wonder to behold. Even when I was far too young to comprehend it all, I vowed that I would have a marriage as my parents did."

Again he paused and seemed to gather his strength and thoughts. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. Still holding Elizabeth's hand, he continued, "When I was seventeen, my mother died. After the funeral, my father retreated to his room, and we did not see him for a month.

"When he emerged he was a changed man. Gone were the light in his eyes and the quick smile. He had aged overnight. He never fully recovered and only Georgiana could reach him. A sensible man would doubtless regard my father's grief as vindication for avoiding such an all-consuming love. I suppose that means I am not a sensible man, because it only heightened my resolve."

He arose and walked to the window, peering outside but not actually seeing. "I left Pemberley for Cambridge when I was eighteen. There I was exposed to an entirely different world. The education I relished and embraced. Learning is like breathing to me, and I loved every moment. Socially, I was a wreck."

He laughed and smiled at Elizabeth. "I am quite positive you are not astounded by this confession!" She laughed as well and shook her head.

"I was incredibly naive, my love. My existence until then had been a sheltered one. Pemberley is isolated and Lambton small. My parents did not care for Town and my mother was frequently too ill to travel, so I had minimal exposure to society. Now I was thrust into it and I was overwhelmed. To this day, I do not make friends easily, nor do I enjoy a number of the entertainments that the college crowd engaged in, especially drinking and carousing. Many young men, Mr. Wickham for example, deem such pastimes as the primary purpose for attending University. I did not. I was there for an education, and my leisure was spent in quieter pursuits, such as billiards, chess, fencing, and, as always, riding. I gravitated toward gentlemen who were of like mind. My cousin Richard, Colonel Fitzwilliam as he would later become, was my primary companion."

"As for the ladies..." Darcy paused, and Elizabeth could discern how uncomfortable he was with the topic, so she said nothing. In time he continued, but refused to look at her. "I would be lying, Elizabeth, if I claim to have consciously made a vow of chastity. I did not. I was a young man with longings that I wished to gratify, but I refused to selfishly slake my appetites in a demeaning manner. My father had raised me to be a better man than that, and the excellent example of my parents' relationship was never far from my thoughts. I do not know what I thought the 'acceptable' situation would be outside of the sanctity of marriage, but it never occurred. I will not say it was easy, Elizabeth, but this is the truth of it."

"Also, I was appalled at the attitude of some men, Wickham and his ilk. They bragged about their sexual exploits and were lewd, crass, and ungentlemanly. There was nary a hint of affection or regard for the women involved. They justified their actions, naturally, by pointing out that the women were of low station or immoral. It made no sense to me. Were not they as immoral and low if they partook in such base activity? Also, many of the women were not those who were for hire. It became a game among some to hunt down and seduce certain ladies, servants and the like, and then to boast of the conquest. I was disgusted and refused to be party to it."

"My years at Cambridge passed, and I was extraordinarily happy there. By the time I left, still virtuous, I had for the most part mastered the forbearance and temperance that is innate in my character, which I inherited from my father."

Darcy began pacing, head bent as he spoke further. "I returned to Pemberley. Not two months later my father collapsed. It was totally unexpected. His heart, the physicians said. One week later he had died and I, at two and twenty and utterly unprepared, was Master of Pemberley and guardian to a grieving eleven-year-old sister."

"There truly is not a word in the King's English to describe how overwhelming my life became for the next year or so. Mrs. Reynolds completely took over the management of the household staff and upkeep. My father's steward, Mr. Wickham the elder, was a remarkable man. Without them, I believe Pemberley would have folded. Tragically, Mr. Wickham also passed a scant six months later. Fortunately, I had been an apt pupil. My uncle, Lord Matlock, assisted me tremendously and aided me in replacing Mr. Wickham with my current steward, Mr. Keith. Eventually I was able to breathe again and believed I could actually succeed in my new position.

"Then London Society came calling." His voice held a tone of disgust and bitterness. "New demands were placed on my shoulders, demands I wanted no part of, yet knew I had to accept. Elizabeth, I judge you do not yet appreciate what an agony it is for me. I am fully aware that interacting with society is my responsibility, but I so despise it. It is not just my own shyness and lack of proper social skills, although that certainly is a major part of it. It is the insincerity, the deceitfulness, the affected friendliness of the ton that repulses me. Few pure souls can be found and the women are the worst.

"London is replete with Caroline Bingleys. Women who held me in high favor because of who I was: the perfect 'catch' worth 10,000 a year. I am not a fool. I knew that none of them cared for me but only for my wealth and position. Married women, in the boredom and loneliness of empty marriages, offered themselves to me as a diversion. I was revolted.

"With each passing year, as I knew it was expected of me to marry, I despaired of ever finding a woman who would give me what I so urgently wanted and needed. I trusted none of them, even the few who piqued my interest. I began to believe that I would never have what my parents had, and I grew so bitter and so very weary of the search.

"Yet, at the same time, it hardened my resolve. If I could not find what I wanted, then I would not marry at all. I am a profoundly obstinate man, my love, if you have not realized that already! Once I set a course, I am loyal to it. If I was so fortunate and blessed to find love, then I would be devoted, faithful, and enduringly thankful until the day I died."

He stopped pacing and looked at Elizabeth. For a long time he gazed upon her beloved face and she tenderly gazed back. She hoped that her love for him, her pleasure in all that he had shared with her, was visible on her countenance. Finally, he returned and knelt before her, taking her hands in his firm grip.

"My dearest, precious Elizabeth. I have saved myself for you, even before I knew who you were. As trite as that sounds, it is the truth, and I do not merely mean in the intimate realm of our relationship. My principles, my pride perhaps, would not allow me to consider giving myself to anyone less than the woman I would love and marry. Even in my despair of ever finding you, I still clung to the idea that you existed. You had to exist! I simply needed to be patient. Call me a hopeless romantic!"

He chuckled softly and gently touched her cheek as she beheld him with absolute love and dedication. "My decision to wait for you, physically and emotionally and spiritually, was a worthy one. I know that we will be wonderful together, in every possible way, as husband and wife. I will never, ever want anything or anyone more than I want you! Elizabeth, my heart, you must know that and believe me."

She smiled at him and gently stroked his hands. Tears were coursing down her cheeks, and she could hardly speak. "I do, William. Thank you for sharing your life with me, past, present, and future. Thank you for waiting for me."

"You also must know, beloved, that I would never force myself upon you in any way. Your wishes, needs, and desires are of paramount importance to me. I sincerely hope that our relationship will never come to a point where we do not desire each other's company, but you must understand that I will always respect you and would never want to cause you harm or pain in any way. Elizabeth..."

She stopped his words with her fingers then leaned forward to place a gentle, chaste kiss upon his lips. "My darling William. I wish to please you as much as you wish to please me. Your words have eased my heart completely. I have no fears now, only the overwhelming need to show you how much I love you. Our wedding day cannot come soon enough for me!"

CHAPTER THREE

The Wedding Night

L
IZZY TOOK ONE LAST
look in the mirror and then entered the bedchamber with a happy smile and wildly beating heart. The room was lit only by the fire, two oil lamps, the filtered moonlight, and a wall sconce on either side of the bed. For a moment she thought the room empty but then she noticed her husband standing by a window with his back to her. She caught her breath at the sight before her. He was standing as she had so often seen him stand, with spine perfectly straight, feet firmly planted, and one arm bent with his hand resting on his waist. He was wearing a long maroon robe with a black sash, and every detail of his physique was evident through its folds. She found the view enchanting, and her heart began to race crazily.

"William," she whispered.

He turned quickly at her voice and it was his turn to catch his breath. His carefully regulated control slipped instantaneously and his groin responded alarmingly. Several deep breaths were necessary to maintain his equilibrium. For a long moment they stood paralyzed, drinking in each other with their eyes. Darcy was the first to break the spell as he moved to meet her in the middle of the room. He longed to grab her and enfold her in his arms, yet at the same time, he wished to study her beauty, memorizing every line and curve of the vision before him.