Strum: virgin captive of the billionaire demon rock star monster (The Squirm Files)

by
Cari Silverwood

Copyright 2014
Cari Silverwood

Published
by
Cari Silverwood

All rights reserved. This copy is intended for the original purchaser of this e-book only. No part of this e-book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without prior written permission from the author. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials.

This e-book is a work of fiction. While reference might be made to actual historical events or existing locations, the names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Yet another erotic parody where a light is shone on all the dirty, crazy, squishy things dwelling in your romances.

When a stag party goes terribly wrong, Virginia Chaste loses her memory of all the best bits of her fiancé, Karl whatsisface. She awakens with her tongue stuck to the castle floor, a suspicion that someone kissed her, a missing fiancé, and no idea what will happen next. Luckily Dangerous Bob can show her the way.

All she has to do is join
Zagan Grimm, rock star and demon, he of the radioactive cock, to retrieve the ultimate sex book, the Necrosexi-texmexicon from the depths of the Zon, then she can get her fiancé back, even if she’d rather sell his castle and make a million dollars.

Then she absolutely has to remember not to have a spectacular,
tentacular ménage with Zagan and Karl whatsisface.

With so many things to remember, Virginia may forget the last one.

Yes, a big, fat warning to all those with pristine, well-vacuumed minds: Here Be Tentacles.

I’m not sure how I would ever succeed in writing anything without the help, encouragement, and reading of my early manuscripts from people like Jennifer Zeffer, Gwendolyn Brooks, Shannon Wichman, Tequila Rose, and Marianne Sawko Chiumento. They also helped me with general smacks about the head, when I got too grumpy writing this one. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Of course, if anything in this story is too crazy, I can blame them.

The finale of the final sex scene was all theirs. Also the groupies, the general smuttiness...I could go on and on. I think we need a cheesy evil laugh here.

Mwahahahahaaaaaaaa
.

A special thank you also to another author, Joan Defers, whose
hilarious post about erotic book covers inspired a scene in Strum. Go read it after you read the book and you’ll understand. The link is in my Connect with Cari Silverwood section.

Virginia
awoke, and after several aborted attempts, managed to open her eyelids. Her tongue was stuck to the floor with semi-dried drool. Someone was shaking her. Who?

His
name surfaced from the swampy garbage heap steaming up the inside of her brain. She unstuck her tongue.

“
Dangerwous...” She tried again. “Bob?”

He grunted, shifting forward to help her sit up. There was a glass in his hand and he
offered her a few sips.

Virginia
blinked and shook her head. She was in a bedroom. Hers, she figured. The quilt, the desk – familiar. Ditto, the cross-eyed seagull on the window sill – the one that always fell off when the phone rang.

“What? Is this my...
” Things blurred.

Dangerous Bob swore severely then put a finger to his
lips. He helped her to the bed and steadied her when she sat on the edge. Her feet felt miles away, so did her head.

“What happened?” She raised her hand to feel a sore spot on her head and was surprised at the glinting diamond ring on one finger. “What’s this? I’m engaged?”

Bob sighed and for the first time she could recall, he looked flustered. He let out a whole string of fucks, interspersed with some craps, shits, and words from another language that were also likely profane. Some of them turned into real words in her mind.

She thought through the translation
that always came with his swearing. She’d become so used to Bob’s odd talent of talking through swearing that it didn’t faze her.

*
Do you remember what happened?*

“Only that there was a stag party and I went down to tell th
em to be quiet. Then...nothing. And I seem to remember a green thing whizzing past.”

*
You remember being engaged to Karl? Karl gave you the ring.*

Her memories served up images.
Karl? Nice man. Nice. Calm. Handsome. Sexy. All of the memories were like pictures. She knew him as a friend and that was it.

“Engaged? No.
So, I’m engaged to him?”

“
Fuckitty fuck. Fiirrr. Grr. Fuckitty.”

What he’d said was so mindboggling she had to repeat it to make sense of it.

“I was supposed to be married later today? The wedding was supposed to be
this
day?”

He nodded.

And this was Karl’s castle.

“Oh fuck.
I can barely remember him.” She leaned back on her hands and saw the ring down there. She’d woken up on the day she was to be married to a man she could barely remember, but she
wasn’t
married to him. All she had was this ring.

“Where is he? Something has happened to him, hasn’t it?”
Damn, she should be feeling unhappy. And she was, but it was a vague and weird unhappiness, like she’d lost something but didn’t know what it was.

Bob nodded for a
long time, a sad expression deforming his already somewhat ugly face.

Virginia grimaced. Cheer the man up fast or she’d be puking. “
It’s okay, Dangerous Bob. We’ll find him. I mean he’s here somewhere? In the castle?”

This time he shook his head.

Wait. She was living in Karl’s castle but they weren’t married yet...

“
Ohmigod.” She put her hand over her mouth. “We didn’t have sex or anything, did we?”

The fixed grin on Bob’s face said it all.

“I lost my virginity and I can’t remember it? This is way worse than waking up unconscious...”

He interrupted. *Technically when
you’re awake, you can’t be unconscious.*

She fluttered her hand. “
Worse than waking up and not remembering not getting married to a man I don’t remember meeting! Way worse. I think. I’m not sure what I just said...but it’s awful!” She buried her face in her hands and spoke around her fingers. “My quest for the ten inch schlong is ruined.”

While she sobbed he patted her on the back, and as her crying ebbed he began to explain
what he’d discovered. The string of swearing went on for so long that she knew he’d have an entire posse of girls clinging to him by now if there’d been any nearby. Being immune to Bob’s girlnip cursing had its advantages. At least she could simply be his friend.

Damn she hoped Karl was ten inches. Maybe she could get out of this marriage if he wasn’
t?

She’d better listen to
Bob.

He rambled on, carefully pacing his swearing so she understood.

What he said surprised her.

Wow.
Maybe she was still, sort of, a virgin...because Karl hadn’t penetrated her with his mating...
what
? Tentacle? Couldn’t be. She’d mistranslated that
fuck
, obviously. But there seemed an out. They mustn’t have had proper sex after all. Maybe she’d only done a BJ? Did that make her half a virgin?

Bob had found
everyone in the castle unconscious, as she had been, even the cleaners. He’d woken them all. One of them recalled her returning to her room by herself, and some recalled seeing a strange, green, sparkling book fly through the hallways and out a window before everything went blank.

Karl was missing along with the Sea Wolves – she
could remember
them
– and along with the portal. No portal. That apparently was important since the portal went to another dimension and Bob seemed to think, because of markings in the portal room, that they’d all gone through it at the stag party.

“U
h-huh.” She tapped her teeth. “And the book?”

*From the sightings by the cleaners and the direction of travel, it came out of the portal.*

“Can we rescue them? Get them back? Make another portal?”

“Fuck.”

Startled, she drew back. That was one big fat *no.*

Something about this whole scenario was familiar.
A castle full of asleep people. One man coming to wake them. A fairy tale... Sleeping Beauty!

She stared at him suspiciously. Had he kissed her?
To wake her? Then she remembered her drool-stuck tongue.
Eww.

If he
had
kissed her, he deserved a medal
.

Her potential but forgotten husband was gone.

After a short mourning period,
one second, two seconds, three seconds
, it was time to be practical.

“So!” She clapped her hands together. “How much will the castle bring on the
real estate market? And do you want half?”

His scowl was immense,
deep, and a little frightening.

Perhaps
he had other ideas? “What?”

*Stay.*

When he returned later that day he told her to get ready for a journey and dumped a small suitcase on the bed then opened it.

*Pack.*

“Why? Where are we going?”

Hands on hips, he set out some facts.
He had, apparently, been googling, reading, talking, more googling.

*We’re all fucked. That book was the
Necrosexi-texmexicon. It’s evil incarnate.*

“
Okayyy. Mmm. Bad. Yup.” She had no clue.

But
she figured incarnate evil was probably worse than other sorts of evil.

Funny how
she could remember everything about Dangerous Bob. She had such a convenient amnesia. And this story would be so damned hard to tell without her knowing him.

Though ugly as a stick of exploded ugliness with his scarred face and real wire, wire-brush hair, Dangerous Bob was a loyal and a mostly good man, when he wasn’t being excessively violent. He was a solid presence. He was a man who
swore a lot but he got things done when they needed to be done.

R
ight now, it sounded like he wanted to do things.

“Where is the book going?”

She took in the rumbled swearing, turning his words over in her mind.

*To the
Zon, where all things of momentous importance go.*

Momentous was not a word she would’ve imagined Bob as even knowing let alone using.
It was up there with incarnate.

*Copies of all the books in existence are
at the Zon. Plus Lawn ornaments. Movies. Sex toys. The Zon is a dangerous place. If the Necrosexi-texmexicon makes it to the heart of the Zon, the world may cease to exist as it is now.

“Cool.” She nodded brightly. “So you’re going to go fetch it?”

He slammed shut the suitcase and locked it. *We are.*

Damn, there’d been so much
dialogue, she hadn’t put anything in the suitcase. “Umm. Bob? I need to put in bras and panties, at least.”

Bob
blushed bright red.

After she packed properly
, he made her kick off her heels, shove back the sleeves of her shirt, and repeat some words, because apparently, this was what the old her would’ve said.

She began.
“We’re going to restore the Necrosexi...fucking thingicon to where it came from if I have to shove it down a toilet and flush it to get it there?”

He nodded
eagerly and encouraged her to keep going.

“
Time for me to be mean and kick some ass?” Bob was so into this. Maybe he thought it would jog her memory? The next bit was strange but she said it with gusto and a fist swipe to make him happy. “The things a girl has to do to get tentacle fucked on her wedding day!”

There was tha
t tentacle word again. Nope. Saying that hadn’t jogged a thing.

As they left the room she took a last look. She could
sell this place later if things went back-assward.

Oh wait. The world was going to cease to exist.
Maybe they did need to kick some butt.

S
he paused with her hand on the door knob. A memory barged in. The stag party. She’d seen a man.

He’d made the world screech to a halt. The raging
stag-party music had gone far, far away. Ravens had appeared, flying in circles, cawing in a distant sort of way – which was really weird since this was inside a room.

Most of all, s
he remembered
Him.

A muscular man in a red shirt wearing black skinny jeans, aviator sunglasses, and a multitude of flame tattoos. White
hair, and the flames on his skin had writhed as if alive.

An aisle of rock had crackled from him to her. The surface beneath her feet
had trembled. The room had spun and blurred.

I
n that instant, she’d known that it meant either impending doom or she’d found a heart-sent lover – a lover who was to be with her forever until the end of time. A lover who would die with her, his arms wrapped about her, never letting go as their ship sank and sank into the cold, quiet, depths of the ocean. Spiraling down, drowning...

Like the T
itanic, but worse.

That had been pretty creepy. Her inner voice, in the back of her mind, had made a note not to ever go on a cruise.

The ravens had cawed and circled some more.

She recalled thinking that g
etting the bird shit off the rug was going to be hell then blackness had rained down.

H
eart-sent lover? Whoever he was, he couldn’t be. She already had one of those: Karl whatsisface. If she could find him. The alternate dimensions really needed a Lost and Found department.