Danny Baker Record Breaker (5): The World's Itchiest Pants (9 page)

‘Woooooooooooooooooooo!’ whistled the other kids, laughing with delight.

Danny looked for somewhere to hide, but he was stuck. Bunny blew hard on her owl whistle – HOO-HOOOOOO! HOO-HOOOOOO! – and the room fell silent once again.

‘What a rip-snorter of an idea for a competition!’ she laughed. ‘Maybe tomorrow you two can show everyone how it’s done!’

‘No way!’ shouted Danny, scrunching up his face. ‘I’m allergic to girls. They give me spots.’ He pulled his jumper over his head, trying desperately to
disappear.

The powwow finished with Bush and Bunny teaching the kids the camp song and holding a competition to see who could sing it loudest:

‘Always eat when you are hungry.

Always drink when you are dry.

Always wash when you are dirty.

Always smile and never cry.’

‘The Gobsmacking Girls are first on the scoreboard!’ yelled Bunny. ‘I say we definitely won that one!’

When it was over, Danny and Matthew tried to sneak from the wigwam, but Sally Butterworth was too quick and ambushed them by the entrance.

‘Silly-billy-dilly-dally-bing-bang-bong,’ chirped Sally, smiling at the boys. ‘I didn’t know
you’d
be here.’

‘Silly-billy-dilly-dally-bing-bang-bong,’ said Danny, trying to ignore the grins of the other boys as they pushed past.

There was a small dark-haired girl standing just behind Sally. ‘This is my best friend, Vicky Wilmott,’ she said. ‘Vicky’s
brilliant
at maths, just like you Matt.
She can do really hard sums in her head.’

‘143,967,552 multiplied by 3,718,’ said Danny.

Vicky frowned, and stuck her tongue out the corner of her mouth while she worked out the answer.

Matthew pulled a calculator out of his coat pocket, and tapped in the numbers. He gaped at Danny. ‘3.6 seconds, and she’s right,’ he said. ‘Cool!’

‘19,674,887 divided by 7,833,’ said Danny.

‘Mega cool!’ gasped Matthew.

Sally linked Vicky by the arm. ‘You beat me at football last time we met,’ she said to Danny.
‘This
time, I’m
not
going to be on the losing side.’ She
smiled dangerously, and with a swish of her bright red pigtails flounced out of the wigwam.

Everyone returned to the Wygol-y-wigwam for lunch. Danny pulled off his muddy wellingtons, dropped them in the boys’ boot zone by the entrance and scurried inside. He
kept his head down while he ate his lamb stew and Welsh cakes, in case Sally Butterworth tried to embarrass him again.

‘Where’s Silly Bottyburp?’ asked Matthew, gazing around the enormous tent. ‘She’s not here. What’s she up to?’

‘If we’re lucky, she’s been captured by aliens and taken to the planet Zigga-bigga-fafa-iggy-dig 9,’ replied Danny.

At that moment he spotted Sally’s bright red pigtails as she sauntered back into the wigwam.

‘No such luck,’ he said, ducking down again. ‘She’s just been to the Pee-pee Teepees!’

The lunch bowls were collected, and Bush blew hard on his duck whistle. QUACK! QUAAAAAAACK!

‘First to get to the woodland bottom-shuffling course gets a point for their team! Look lively!’

The kids charged through the tunnel and headed for their boots.

‘Where’s my welly?’ demanded Danny, seeing that he only had one boot.

‘And mine?’ said Matthew.

‘And mine?’ chorused the other boys.

‘There they are!’ shouted Danny’s classmate Jimmy Sedgley, pointing to the roof of the boys’ hut. It was strewn with the missing wellingtons.

‘That’s not fair!’ said Danny, pulling on his single boot and hopping after her. The other boys did the same, but they didn’t stand a chance, and the girls easily won the
race.

Danny looked at the fed-up faces of the other boys as they lined up for the woodland bottom-shuffle relay. ‘Come on, lads,’ he urged. ‘Let’s show those cheating girls
who’s best!’

The boys bottom-shuffled as hard as they could, weaving between trees and rocks along the twisting, bumpy course, but the girls shuffled harder and once again were victorious.

‘I told you,’ taunted Sally. ‘This time,
I’m
going to be on the winning team!’

As the kids made their way back through the woods to the huts, Danny spied some gloopy frog spawn bobbing stickily at the edge of a shallow pond, and a wicked idea popped into his head.

‘Where can I get a bucket?’ he said to Matt.

That evening the kids returned to the Wygol-y-wigwam for supper and sing-song.

‘Save me a place, Matt,’ said Danny. ‘I need to go to the Pee-pee Teepees.’

The clearing was deserted. Danny saw the rows of wellington boots lined up outside, boys on the left, girls on the right. He dashed round to the back of the boys’ hut where he’d
hidden a bucket of frog spawn. Danny slopped a dollop of the gloopy jelly-eggs into each of the girls’ wellingtons and hurried back to supper.

After supper and singing the camp song, Bunny announced, ‘Time for bed, kids! Ladies first!’

Danny held his breath.

Bunny led the girls out of the wigwam and the boys hurried out after them. Danny heard the lovely squelch and squish as the unsuspecting girls shoved their feet into their frogspawny boots.

Sally Butterworth stormed up to Danny, frog eggs dripping down the sides of her wellingtons.

‘Me!’ he laughed. ‘This means WAR!’ declared Sally.

‘Bring it on!’ grinned Danny.

Poo-wiggly-wig Adventure Centre

Wales

Silly-billy-dilly-dally-bing-bang-bong, Mr Bibby!

That’s the Poo-wiggly-wig greeting! Guess what? Sally Butterworth’s here. She’s
still
going on about that yucky kissing world record we set in Spain,
and she’s still mad about her team losing the football match against us, and the row we had about her jelly-lips wrecking my Mexican Jelly-wave.

We were out in the woods yesterday doing a woodland bottom-shuffle relay race. When we woke up this morning, everyone was covered with Snowdonian Tiger Ticks. They’re
little stripy orange-and-black balls with short wriggly legs. Bush Tucker, the boys’ leader, is a bug expert. He says ticks stick their long pointy mouths under your skin and suck out your
blood until they pop and let loose zillions of babies. Ace!

We’ve been quarantined, which means we’ve got to stay for an extra two weeks. Mega Ace! The whole camp’s got to be fumigated. We’ve got to be
fumigated!

Bunny Grylls – the girls’ leader – pulled the ticks off the kids with ‘Bunny’s Non-pop Non-stop Humane Tick-plucker’. Then Matthew and Vicky
Wilmott (Sally’s best friend) counted them.