Damaged Goods (27 page)

fear of admitting this was too much for me that had me all tied up in knots?

Or did I really not want to let him go?

Whatever it was, I had to call this off. I didn"t want to hurt him, I didn"t want

to lose him, but I just couldn"t do this.

132

Lauren Gallagher

Chapter Seventeen

The sick feeling in my gut refused to subside until Austin showed up the next

evening. Though I was no longer worried about throwing up at the drop of a hat,

now I had to contend with the ache in my throat that warned of impending tears.

Guilt, confusion, and frustration all ganged up on me and threatened to show

themselves if I let my guard down for even a second.

We couldn"t do this. It had to stop. The closer I came to finding an opportunity

to end it, though, the more it hurt to even consider. I had to let him go, but I didn"t

want to. Needed to. Couldn"t.

Come on, Jocelyn. You have to. You’re only fooling yourself if you think this can

go anywhere. Or that it
should
go anywhere.

I glanced at Austin and realized he was looking at me. Probably had been for a

long time. How long had I been lost in my own thoughts?

We were in my kitchen, a pot of coffee in my hand and two empty cups on the

island in front of me.

From across the island, he cocked his head. “You okay, babe? You kind of

spaced out.”

“Yeah, I"m fine.” I forced a smile. “Just zoning out. I guess.”

His eyes narrowed just enough to suggest he saw right through me. “You"ve

been quiet since I got here, and every time I touch you, you shrink away. Have I

done something wrong?”

I set the coffeepot down and exhaled. Closing my eyes, I rubbed my forehead,

willing myself to keep my emotions together. I silently begged him not to come

closer, knowing full well he would. My senses followed his soft footsteps around the

island, and when gentle hands squeezed my shoulders, the ache in my throat

intensified.

“You sure you"re okay?”

I nodded and sniffed sharply, refusing to let the tears make it past my eyes.

“I"m sorry. I…”

His hands moved to my waist, and his lips against my cheek crumbled my

defenses. I covered my eyes when a few hot tears escaped and slid down my face.

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the side of my neck. “Baby, what"s

wrong?”

Damaged Goods

133

I quickly cleared my throat and collected my composure, but the damage was

done. I couldn"t pretend there was nothing on my mind. Not when he urged me to

turn around and, when I faced him, brushed a tear from my cheek.

“Is this about last night?” he asked.

Another set of defenses fell. I avoided his eyes and let out a resigned breath.

Then I nodded. Austin pulled me close to him. Stroking my hair, he kissed the top of

my head, and damn it, why did it have to feel so damned good in his arms like this?

“I"m guessing it"s not just because I had to change plans at the last minute.”

“No. It"s not.” I fought back the threat of fresh tears. “I don"t know if I can keep

doing this, Austin.”

He loosened his embrace, pulling back so we could see each other. Maybe

giving me some comfortable distance too. Some breathing room.

I took a breath. “I thought I was okay with it. I did. But it"s… I…”

“But it"s bothering you more than you thought it would.” It wasn"t a question.

Sighing, I nodded slowly. “I"m sorry. It"s…” I sniffed again and forced myself to

look at him. “Austin, you"ve literally slept with three of my friends.”

He blinked. “I have?”

“Yes.” I sighed. “Well, former friends anyway. Once I told her about you…”

“You
told
her about me?” His eyes widened.

“I thought, if anyone would, she might understand.” I shook my head. “But she

just sees you and all the other escorts as pieces of meat.”

He set his jaw.

“She"s the one who referred me to the agency in the first place,” I went on, “and

while I was out with her and some friends last night, all of whom are regular

customers, I got to listen to them comparing notes.” I swallowed. “About you.”

Austin dropped his gaze. He rubbed the back of his neck and let out a breath.

“I"m sorry you had to listen to that.”

“I guess it"s par for the course.” I tucked my hair behind my ear. “Part of

dating an escort, I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

“I"d love to say I can handle this.” I ran a hand through my hair. “And I do

want to make it work, but I"m not sure
how
.”

“We make it work the same way anyone else makes a relationship work,” he

said. “The only difference is what I do for a living.”

I raised an eyebrow. “That"s a pretty sizeable difference, wouldn"t you say?”

“Yes, it is,” he said. “But there"s more to us than that. There"s more to me than

that.”

“I know there is.” I exhaled. “I spent forever trying to explain that to someone

last night. And on paper, it"s so easy for me to say I can do this, and I want to do

this, and…” I shook my head again, forcing back a flood of emotion. “But then I

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Lauren Gallagher

catch myself thinking about you while you"re working, wondering who you"re with,

and what you"re doing, and—”

“Baby, please.” He smoothed my hair. “I know it"s easier said than done, but

don"t let your imagination run off with you while I"m working. I—”

“It doesn"t have to run very far, Austin,” I said. “I
know
what it"s like to be one

of your clients.”

He flinched. “Okay, I understand that. Really, I do. But I"ve told you, when I"m

working, it"s just business. It"s a job. All physical, nothing emotional.”

“
Most
of the time.”

He said nothing.

I chewed my lip. “What do you—” I hesitated. Did I really want to know?

Austin put a hand on my waist. “What?”

“When you"re, you know, working…” I paused, moistening my lips and silently

berating myself for sounding like an awkward school kid. “What do you think

about?”

He jumped, lips parting slightly like the question had caught him off guard.

“You…really want to know?”

I nodded.

He took a breath. “I think about what I"m doing. How she"s responding. What I

need to do to keep her happy and make sure she gets her money"s worth.” He met

my eyes. “It"s so mechanical and businesslike, it"s not even funny.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” He gave me a playful grin. “What did you think I thought about?”

I shrugged, dropping my gaze again. “I don"t know. I really don"t. I guess, I

mean I"ve had casual sex before, so it"s not like I can"t imagine having sex without

an emotional connection, but I"ve never…” I trailed off, completely at a loss for how

to finish the thought without it coming across as an accusation.

Austin lifted my chin. “You"ve never what?” He caressed my face. When the

words I sought still didn"t come, he said, “Look, I know this is weird for you, so if

something"s bothering you, even if you think it sounds stupid or petty, you can tell

me.”

I swallowed hard. Avoiding his eyes, I whispered, “I"ve never had emotionless

sex with someone while I had an emotional connection with someone else.” Just

hearing myself say it made my stomach turn. I rubbed the bridge of my nose. “God,

I don"t even know what I"m saying, Austin. I"m… Fuck…”

“If you"re worried I make a habit of this,” he whispered, “don"t be. I"ve never

gotten involved with another client.”

“But how do I know it won"t happen?”

“You could just as easily get involved with one of your clients. It happens every

damned day in the „respectable" work world.”

Damaged Goods

135

“I"m not having sex with my clients.”

“And I"m
just
having sex with them,” he said. “It"s just sex. Babe, you can see

the difference between that first time together and the way it is now, can"t you? The

sex is different. Everything is different.” He paused, swallowing. “It wasn"t the sex

that did this, Jocelyn. It was everything in between.”

I wanted to believe him, but Kim"s words had burrowed their way into my

uncertain consciousness.

“
He’s obviously managed to have what the two of you have with one of his

clients. What’s to stop him from having it with another
?”

What
was
to stop him?

“Do you trust me?” he asked suddenly.

My head snapped up. “Yes, of course I do. Or we wouldn"t have gotten this far.”

He stroked my hair. “Then trust me, babe.”

I sighed. “I want to, Austin. Everything about this is just so… It"s…”

“I know.” He kissed my forehead. “I know this isn"t easy for you. The thing

is…” He trailed off. Took a breath. Looked me in the eye. “Babe, whatever this is

we"re doing, this kind of thing doesn"t happen every day. Regardless of what anyone

involved does for a living. That, and you"re the first woman in I don"t know how long

who"s seen me as something other than a whore.”

“That"s…part of the problem.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can see past your job like other women can"t or won"t,” I said. “Just like you

can see past the fact that I"m a single mom the way very few men seem willing to.” I

chewed my lip. “But is that all this is?”

“Do…” He paused, furrowing his brow. “Do you really think that"s all this is?”

I dropped my gaze. “I don"t know what I think. I"m just afraid this is…that I"m

kidding myself.” I met his eyes. “Are we both kidding ourselves? We"ve both had

such a hard time finding someone who could see past what we are, and I want to

believe we"re in this because of who we are. Not…not just because we don"t see each

other as damaged goods.”

He blinked. “What are you saying?”

I took a deep breath. “I"m saying I"m scared we"re doing this because we"re

afraid no one else will.”

Austin flinched. He took a step back and leaned against the opposite counter,

drumming his fingers on the granite. For a long moment, he didn"t speak, and he

didn"t look at me. I was afraid he"d be angry, but when his eyes finally rose to meet

mine, he looked hurt more than anything.

“Listen, a lot of people say a lot of things about me and what I do,” he said

softly. “I can deal with it when people call me a cheap whore, a hooker, a piece of

meat, whatever.” Though I couldn"t be sure, I thought his voice threatened to crack

when he added, “But don"t call me insincere.”

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Lauren Gallagher

“I didn"t mean it like that,” I said. “What I—”

“Jocelyn, I don"t expect this to be easy for you. Not in the least.” He took a deep

breath. “But this, what we"re doing—I don"t know what I can do to convince you it"s

real.”

I avoided his eyes.

“The fact that you can accept me for what I am,” he said, “that just opened the

door. Everything else? That happened on its own. And quite honestly, I don"t care if

another woman would take me and all the crap that comes with me, because she

wouldn"t be you, so it wouldn"t matter.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. Austin came back toward me and touched

my face.

“Baby, I can"t change what I am,” he said. “Even if I found another job

tomorrow and never needed another penny from the agency again, I"ll always be a

man who has sold sex for a living.”

I winced.

“Listen to me,” he said. “I don"t underestimate for a second how weird this is

for you. It took a strong woman to even consider giving this a try, and it"s a lot

harder in practice than it is on paper. If it"s…” He paused, swallowing hard. Even

softer now, he said, “If it"s not something you can handle, I"ll understand.”

My heart flipped. He was giving me an out. A chance to walk away with no

hard feelings and no resentment.

“It"s up to you,” he said, caressing my face as he spoke. “If you want some time

to think about it or if you want me to bow out now. Whatever you want to do, I"ll

understand either way.”

My heart pounded. I"d had myself almost convinced that it was time to walk

away, throw in the towel, call it quits. But he just had to go and say all the right

things, and hold me like this, and give me an easy escape that was too damned hard

to take. I wasn"t sure how much of this relationship my sanity could take, but damn

if I could convince myself, looking up at him now, that it wouldn"t be worth a try.

I held his gaze. “What do
you
want to do?”

“I want to keep doing what we"re doing,” he said. “But not if it"s going to be so

stressful for you that it makes you miserable. I want you to be happy.”

Shifting my weight, I forced myself to maintain eye contact, no matter how

much I wanted to look anywhere but right at him. “You understand this is still an

adjustment for me, right?”

“Of course.” He kissed me gently. “We"ll just take things a day at a time, just

like we"ve done so far. If something"s bothering you, don"t hesitate to tell me. I want