Damaged and the Outlaw (19 page)

“Would you lose
respect for my self-improvement if I called your mom a bitch?”

“She is a
bitch.”

“Cool because
the bitch is here with her bitch friends from the country club.”

My mother was
still beautiful, but I sensed her cold personality even from a distance. She
noticed us and waved as if happy to see her slut daughter and loser stepson. I
knew it was a show for her friends, so I flipped her off. Dylan laughed and
flipped her off too.

“I don’t think
I’ll be invited to Thanksgiving dinner at this rate,” he said as we started
walking to the checkout.

“Who gives a
shit? Holidays with your dad and my mom were lame anyway. You can have dinner
with Lark and me. She’ll cook and I’ll help and Telly can play with his ugly
dogs.”

Dylan grinned.
“I’ll bring beer and something for Lark to drink. Whatever she’s craving by
then.”

“Poor tiny broad
is miserable, but this crap might make her feel better.”

“For this months
away dinner, will you be bringing your scary biker boyfriend? I only ask
because I might have to hide my assholeness more if he’s around. Don’t want to
get my ass kicked.”

Struggling not
to wonder if Vaughn would be alive in November, I grinned. “Won’t be any worse
than when I kicked it.”

Clearly
remembering the fight differently, Dylan smirked, yet said nothing. We checked
out, gave my mom another middle finger, before heading to the parking lot. I
wished him well and meant it. Life was full of changes and I decided to follow
Lark’s lead by viewing Dylan as a friend rather than a member of the enemy
camp.

Lark was asleep
when I arrived home. Once I put away the food, I swept the floor then folded
clothes with Bailey. We had many giggles at Aaron’s wide selection of graphic
boxers. I was still thinking about them after Bailey left and Aaron arrived
home.

We sat on the
couch, not talking. I knew he wanted to say something about Vaughn. He knew I
wanted him to keep his trap shut. We settled on awkward silence until Lark
appeared full of sleepy grins.

“I like having
maids,” she announced, sitting between me and Aaron.

“Hey, I saw Mom
at the store and flipped her off for you.”

“Thanks, sis.”

“I also got you
mint ice cream.”

Lark leaned her
head against me. “I’ve never loved you more.”

“Shallow bitch. Now
what are you two going to do to entertain me, so I won’t spend all night crying
over Vaughn?”

“Crap,” Aaron
muttered. “I was hoping you would run back to him by now. I was looking forward
to running around the house naked.”

Lark giggled. “I
like when you do that.”

Rolling my eyes,
I got up and walked to the kitchen. “I’m not running back to Vaughn. Well, I
shouldn’t because I’m a jinx and I need to protect him. With that said, he runs
around naked at his place and I miss that view.”

“Sure, Vaughn’s
a sexy guy, but mine is better,” Lark said, winking at Aaron.

“Vaughn is really
sexy,” I said, missing him and wondering what he was doing right then. “He’s
funny too. I’ve never been with a guy who was so funny. He can scare you one
minute and make you laugh the next. He’s amazing.”

Lark studied me
then glanced at Aaron. When they were both watching me, I realized I was
crying. Wiping away the stupid tears, I shook my head.

“I wish I was
like you two,” I said, smiling weakly at them. “I ruin things with guys and I
can’t ruin Vaughn. He’s special.”

An awkward
moment passed as I fought with my need to be selfish and go to Vaughn. I needed
him, but I knew I would bring bad luck down on him.

“You guys want
to go to the movies?” Aaron asked as Lark cuddled with him.

They were so
comfortable together. Always relying on each other to feel right in the world.
Vaughn needed someone to rely on, but I couldn’t be that person. I was too
messed up and I’d jinx him.

“I’d like to see
something funny,” Lark said. “I know preggos usually have bladder issues, but
so far I don’t. I want to take advantage of that by laughing without peeing
myself.”

I smiled at my little
sister. “Man, marriage sure has made you sexy.”

“Hell yeah,”
Aaron said, kissing Lark and making me feel like a perv to watch them.

“I’ll steal your
dork Honda, go home, and clean up for the movies,” I muttered, heading for the
door as they made out. “You two get the horny out of the way, so the movies
won’t be weird for me.”

“I can finally get
naked,” Aaron announced as I shut the door.

I left them to enjoy
what I wanted to hungered to do with Vaughn. On the drive, I listened to every
channel on the radio in an attempt to stop thinking about him. Instead, the
songs all reminded me of Vaughn. I thought about how he watched me sing karaoke
and didn’t make fun of my horrible singing. He even liked my rough voice. Not
in a fake way like guys would lie about shit to get in a girl’s pants. Vaughn
honestly liked my voice. He liked a lot of my flaws.

He loved me.

Arriving at my
apartment, I started thinking about how I might get the cash to pay for a hit
man. I had a few thousand from the cage fights, but doubted that would be
enough. Even with no idea how to find a killer, I knew I had to save Vaughn. If
he was safe, maybe my habit of turning things to shit wouldn’t ruin him. We
could be together and I could finally have the love of an amazing man.

Until then, I
had to avoid Vaughn. I just wasn’t strong enough to tell him no. I missed every
damn thing about him. No, I needed distance.

So when I got
home and saw the text from him asking to talk, I knew lies were my only way out.

“I have a date
tonight. We can talk tomorrow,” I texted back.

My text had the
desired effect because he didn’t respond. A pissed Vaughn was likely headed to
a bar to find a pretty girl to work out his aggravations with and it was my
fault.

Jealous like
never before in my life, I fought the urge to text him and ask to talk. Send
him a shot of me topless, anything to keep him from fucking someone else.
Instead, I imagined him dead and knew I needed to stay away.

Once in the
shower, I let myself cry a little. Vaughn deserved to live a long and happy
life with everything he desired. I even considered killing the Devils myself. I
wasn’t great at many things, but I could kill to protect the ones I loved and I
did love Vaughn. I’d probably die in the process. Killing enough of those
fuckers and protecting Vaughn would make my sacrifice worth it.

As I dried off
and dressed, my mind wondered how to get the names and locations of the guys in
charge of the Devils. I bet Tawny would help me get weapons. Or Bailey would or
I could just buy the damn things. Then, I’d drive to Tucson and find the ones
who put a bounty on Vaughn’s beautiful head. If I was careful, I could kill
more than one target before they killed me. As a hot chick, those guys wouldn’t
view me as a threat. I could get close enough…

In the dark
living room, Vaughn sat with his arms crossed and legs propped up on the table.

“What the hell?”
I cried, taking a moment to identify the big guy in the corner.

“I said we need
to talk.”

“You’re nuts,” I
mumbled, soothing my beating heart. Mostly, I didn’t know how to keep enough
distance between us to avoid me giving him anything he wanted.

“Probably,”
Vaughn said, standing up and walking towards me in a casual manner, “but love
can make a man do crazy things.”

“What do you
want to talk about?” I asked, moving to the kitchen as he followed.

“Not here.”

“What?” I
muttered, turning to find him right behind me.

Before I could
speak, Vaughn had me around the waist while pressing a cloth against my mouth.
I struggled against his hard body. It was like wrestling with a brick wall. He
never faltered and I passed out thinking it had been stupid to turn my back on
a pissed guy.

If abducting the
woman I loved was wrong, I didn’t want to be right. Maybe a different guy would
find a better way to make Raven listen. I wasn’t a different guy and I didn’t
know how to do soft when imagining my woman fucking another guy. Hell,
chloroform was as soft as I got when jealousy tore me up.

Once Raven was
wrapped in a blanket, I carried her down to my truck. I ran into Kirk and Jodi
who were taking a walk. They eyed me then Raven’s face peeking out from the
blanket. Jodi checked her while Kirk frowned hard at me.

“We’re just
going to talk at the cabin,” I said when he fiddled with the gun on his hip.

“If she doesn’t
come back in one piece, it won’t be the Devils who put a bullet between your
eyes, Outlaw.”

“Understood.”

Jodi swiped hair
from Raven’s eyes then sighed. “Kids today make everything so damn
complicated.”

Kirk rested an
arm around his wife and they started walking again. “People are just dumber
these days, babe.”

As they
disappeared into the woods, I carried Raven the rest of the way to the truck.
Soon, I had her propped up against me while I drove away from the Johansson
place and towards my cabin.

The drive took
nearly an hour because the path from the main highway to my home wasn’t paved.
Rough and dangerous in the dark, it required finesse to keep from hitting
passing animals or fallen trees. I hadn’t been to the cabin in weeks and
anything might await me. Nonetheless, this was where my gut demanded I take
Raven to make her listen.

The bumpy ride
nearly woke her a few times and she stirred again when I carried her inside the
cabin. Resting Raven on the couch, I turned on a few lights and checked for
damage from the weather or animals. I found everything in working order then
returned to the main room.

Along a wall was
a small fridge, stove, and sink. A few cabinets on the wall and not much else,
my kitchen was simple. The cabin was comfortable, yet sparse. I went out there
to pretend the world wasn’t waiting outside the woods to eat me alive.

With Raven, I
wanted to pretend we were safe from our pasts and only a happy future together
awaited us. I needed to lie and I needed Raven to lie too. As soon as she woke
up, I’d know if she was willing to lie for me.

Based on her
reaction upon waking, the answer was no.

“You crazy
fuck!” she screamed, wobbling away from me and throwing a box of tissues in my
direction.

“You look nice
for your date,” I said, staying very still so she wouldn’t panic and hurt
herself. “I want you to only look nice for me. I don’t think that’s crazy.”

“You’re
deranged. You kidnapped me.”

“Abducted sounds
better. You’re not a kid.”

“Fuck you!” she
screamed, holding onto a table. Seeing the lamp, she yanked it free from the
wall and held it like a weapon. “Take me home!”

“We need to talk,
Raven.”

“About your
crazy damn brain? No thanks.”

“I’m not going
to hurt you. Put the lamp down.”

We both knew
telling her to do something meant she was less likely to do it. In fact, she
lifted the lamp higher and eyed me as if evalutating the best place to nail me
with it.

“I heard you
crying in the shower,” I said, sitting down in a chair and watching her.

“I was crying
because I’m horny. Nothing more than that. If you had backed off, I could have
gotten laid and no more tears.”

“Who is he?” I
growled, losing my temper despite my best effort to be calm.

“Why? So you can
hunt him down and kick his ass? I’m not going to be with a crazy fuck, so beating
up a guy won’t make any difference.”

“Just tell me
who he is? An old boyfriend? Someone you met while we were together?”

“Are you calling
me a cheating whore because I’ll crush your skull just for that?”

Leaning forward,
I rested my elbows on my knees and sighed. “Raven, just tell me.”

A few minutes
passed as she fought to keep her footing, but I could see she was dizzy.
Finally, she looked at the front door as if planning to make a run for it.

“I was going out
with Lark and Aaron. We were seeing a movie, you stupid fuck.”

“Why didn’t you
just say that on the phone?”

Raven’s gaze met
mine and I thought she might cry. Yet, her tears would be a result of rage, not
sadness.

“You drugged me,
Vaughn.”

“I know. I
wanted you to talk to me and you wouldn’t.”

“This isn’t how
normal people behave, you freak.”

“We’re not
normal people,” I said, studying her. “It’s a heavy lamp. You might want to put
it down before holding it wears you out.”

“Stop telling me
what to do.”

“Raven, I love
you.”

“I don’t care.”

Arms tired, she
relented and set the lamp back down. Instead, she clenched her hands into
fists.

“I’m leaving.”

“You can’t.”

“I’ll take your
keys and kick your ass and I’ll leave. Sounds easy.”

Grinning, I
leaned back in the chair. “I love when you get feisty. Even if you got my keys
and kicked my ass…”

“If?” she
interrupted, lifting a brow.

“The road is
tricky at night. Even for me and I know the way. You’d likely crash out in the
dark and be stuck until the morning.”

Studying me, Raven
realized I was telling the truth. “I hate you.”

“You love me
though. It evens out.”

“What about
Lark? Does she know what happened because she could be worried and she’s
fragile right now?”

“Call her.”

“You grabbed me
before I took my phone.”

“Use mine,” I
said, gesturing towards the front table. “Once you tell her that you’re okay,
we’ll talk. Tomorrow, I’ll take you home.”

“I’m not fucking
you tonight,” she said, going for the phone. “I’m never fucking you again.
Unless you just plan to force me.”

Frowning, I
hated the look on her face. She wasn’t playing around. Raven was genuinely
scared of me. For the first time, I wondered if drugging and forcing her to the
cabin was a bad idea. Was it too fucking crazy even for me?

“How would you
feel if I was fucking another chick? I asked, needing Raven to show she cared.

“Not my problem
who you fuck.”

“Look me in the
eyes and say you wouldn’t care.”

Raven walked
over to where I sat, leaned forward, and stared into my eyes. “I wouldn’t care
if you fucked my roller derby team and posted the video on the Internet.”

“You’re lying,”
I said, wanting to kiss her snarling lips.

Raven stepped
back. “Yeah, but I look into your eyes and lied.”

“I love you.”

“You already
said that. You can stop now.”

“No,” I
muttered, crossing my arms. “I wanted to say it before and held back. I’m not
holding back anymore.”

“You’ll say it
too much and it’ll lose its power,” she said, texting Lark. “You’ll ruin the
word.”

I waited until
she finished with my phone. Once her attention was fully on me, I held her gaze
and Raven didn’t look away.

“We can’t ruin
that word. Maybe some fucks in your past ruined the word because it meant
something else to them. For me, love means freedom and home. It seems I’m not
lost anymore. I can say it a million times and it will always mean I’ve found
somewhere I belong and that’s with you.”

Raven reached
for the couch and I sensed she woke too fast and frenzied.

“Maybe you
should sit down. I drugged you.”

“I was there,
Vaughn.”

“I saw you leave
your sister’s. When you said you were going on a date, I just panicked.”

“You keep chloroform
around for these occasions?” she asked, sitting on the couch away from me.

“Actually, yes.
Sometimes, I need to go into a situation soft and that’s my version of soft
with assholes. With you, it was something else.”

“I can’t believe
you did that.”

“I can’t have
you fuck another guy. It would kill me and I’d have to kill him. Fact of life.”

“It’s been a
day, Vaughn. If you gave it more time, you might stop loving me. You’d get over
it.”

Frowning, I joined
her on the couch. “You dated some lame fuckers if you think you can just get
over love.”

“I got over it.
I loved those lame fuckers and now I don’t.”

“Did you love
them like you love me?”

Raven refused to
look at me and that was enough of an answer.

“I’m special,
cookie. Best for you to just accept that.”

Smiling despite
her best efforts, she shook her head. “You’re nuts.”

“You like my
crazy though.”

Raven avoided my
gaze, but I noticed the corner of her mouth lift.

“We can’t work,”
she said, her voice losing its heat. “I have bad luck with men.”

“I’m not men.
I’m the stud you love.”

Grinning, she covered
her mouth and shook her head again. “Stop. It’s not funny. You grabbed me like
a mad man.”

“Yeah. We’ll
want to leave that part out when we tell stories to our kids one day.”

Raven glanced at
me and the humor in her expression was gone. “You’re going to die. There’ll be
no kids.”

“We don’t know
what’s going to happen.”

“I can’t take
the chance.”

“You’re brave
enough to give us a chance.”

“You don’t
understand,” she said, suddenly panicked.

“Help me
understand.”

“It hurt,” she whimpered.
“When Dex dumped me, it hurt. When Vic dumped me, it hurt. They were losers. I
didn’t even like them at the end. They were nothing, but it still hurt. How
will I survive losing you? How will I breathe?”

“I’m never
letting you go,” I said, kneeling on the floor in front of her. “That’s what
the chloroform was about.”

“They’re going
to kill you,” she said in a child’s voice. “You’re going to die like Phoenix and I can’t survive that.”

“My job is
dangerous. Judd and Tawny make it work.”

“No,” she
whimpered, cupping my face. “That’s how you could die. That’s a maybe like how
people can die in car accidents. People talk like you will die. There’s no if,
only how soon. I can’t…”

Breathing too
fast, Raven tried to squirm away, but I kept her pinned. I saw now how she’d
never faced her pain. The oldest child in a family with a shitty mother and
revolving fathers, Raven hid from her loss and fear. She wanted to hide now,
but it was too late.

“I love you,” I
whispered. “The moment I saw you, I wanted you. The moment you gave me shit, I
wanted you more. Every time we fucked or laughed made me want you more. I lied
to myself about us. I tried to be sane about what I could have with you. We’re
not fuck buddies or friends with benefits or biding our time until someone else
comes along. We’re real and I don’t just want you anymore. I need you in my
life if I want to get up in the morning. No other man can have you. No one is
taking you from me. You’re mine and I’m keeping you. I don’t care if that seems
crazy or stupid. It’s too late to lie anymore.”

“Maybe I could
go to Tucson and…”

“No…”

“Wait, they
wouldn’t expect me and I heard that the top guys in the Devils aren’t easy to
replace. I could kill them and you’d be safe.”

Her expression
broke my heart. “And what if they hurt you?”

“I can’t let you
die.”

“And if you
died, I’d have no reason to live. You’d save me only so I could wish to die.”

Raven stared
exhausted at me. “I need to lie because the truth is too much. I can’t be
strong thinking you’ll die. Please, let me try to kill them.”

Despite how
ridiculous the idea was, I never loved Raven more than when she begged me to
let her kill my enemies. She just wanted to be my heroine even if it meant spilling
blood including hers.

“Sugar, you
can’t kill them. Executing people isn’t something your heart would allow.”

“You don’t know.
To save someone I love, I could do anything.”

“And you love
me?”

Raven looked
away. “I feel like something bad is coming. Like a black cloud is hanging over
us. We shouldn’t tempt fate.”

“By saying we
love each other?”

Raven nodded. “I
tempted fate the day Phoenix died. I thought about how good our life was and
nothing could make me feel different. I liked our house and our stupid stepdad
and I was happy. Nothing bad would happen to take it away then he died and it
all went away. I jinxed my family and Phoenix died.”