Damaged and the Bulldog (2 page)

“It’s my fault,” Harlow said, staring at the TV. “I’m
why they came here and hurt you.”

“You kept that freak from…” I didn’t finish because
Harlow’s mood always grew dark when we talked about it. “I wish I could be the
way I was.”

Pinching my forearms, I glanced at my Cookie Monster
doll. For years, I used the toy to soothe me when I was upset. Mom had given it
to me when I first arrived. Even too old for a doll, I practiced hugging it
like I couldn’t hug people. The doll also smelled like Dad after I sprayed it
with his cologne when he went out of town.

At eighteen, I finally gave up Cookie Monster. I
didn’t need the comfort until the Devils showed up. Now I craved the doll
again. Needing to be strong, I forced my gaze on the ceiling.

“You still like Dylan,” Harlow said, nudging me. “When
you girls get all hung up on a boy, you sigh a lot. I see it all the time.”

“You’re a girl too,” I muttered.

“So I’ve heard,” she said. “I know you want to be
strong right now, but Dylan said he would wait.”

“It’s too late,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I
saw him with a girl yesterday. They were hugging and she was really pretty. I
lost my chance.”

Harlow rolled off the bed and retrieved the Cookie
Monster doll from the shelf. Watching her through wet eyes, I considered
telling her no. Harlow’s expression made clear she wouldn’t listen.

As I took the doll, Harlow joined me on the bed and
pulled the blanket over us. She saw my red hands and knew what I was doing to
myself. She didn’t say anything though.

“You need to make yourself happy. The doll relaxes
you.”

“I’m not a child.”

“You haven’t been a child in a long time, Winnie. For
too long really. Adults need help relaxing too.”

My thoughts returned to Dylan’s arms around the
beautiful girl. “I wish I was like you.”

“I’m fucked up too. Everyone is,” Harlow said, playing
with my long brown hair. “I’m angry and you’re scared. Neither one is good. We
do our best though.”

“Dylan is the only guy I’ve ever wanted to touch me.
Now it’s too late.”

“Screw that chick. She’s not you and he said he would
wait. He didn’t have to say that.”

“Yeah, but he probably changed his mind,” I said,
cuddling closer to her. “I wouldn’t wait for me.”

“Yeah, but you’re kinda stupid.”

Despite sharing her smile, I couldn’t shake off my
depression. Harlow stared at the ceiling for a long time. We were both in our
heads until she suddenly turned to me.

“When those fuckers grabbed us, I told you it would be
okay and we’d escape. Remember?”

“Yes,” I whispered, recalling how the rock felt in my
hands as I crushed the asshole’s skull.

“We escaped. I kept my word. Well I’m telling you this
thing with Dylan will work out. Do you believe me?”

Cuddling the doll, I smiled. “Yes. You’ve never been
wrong.”

Harlow smirked. “I’m tense, so I need to sleep in
here.”

“Can we sleep with the TV on?” I asked, squirming
lower under the blanket.

Harlow smiled and I knew she needed the TV on too. We
might be fucked up in different ways, but we were alike in many others ways.
Despite years of therapy and steps forward, sometimes the past dragged us back
into its grip.

“Can’t complain” was my standard reply when people
asked how my day was going. I’d been saying it since I was a kid. Maybe I
really didn’t have anything to complain about all these years. Growing up, I
had food and shelter. I never feared a beating. No one messed with me as a kid.
If anything, I was ignored. Was that enough to complain about though?

Off and on over the years, I attended the local
Ellsberg schools with kids from shittier homes than mine. Some kids at school
could barely sit down because they’d taken such a beating from mom or dad the
night before. Others enjoyed their only warm meals at school because their
parents pissed away their food stamps on junk for themselves. Ratty clothes
were the norm. A few kids came from nicer homes like the Johanssons. However,
most of the better families sent their kids to the Catholic School to keep them
away from the trashier elements. My dad didn’t want to waste the money.

This was probably a good decision since school never
interested me. Restless as a kid, I spent every recess doing laps around the
playground. I blew through homework after school, so I could ride my bike
around town. I never knew why I felt trapped, but life suffocated me.

So my problems were of the rich kid variety. A cold
mom and asshole dad wouldn’t leave me hungry or black and blue. They just left
me wanting.

These days, I saw my father in passing. Once at the
golf course when Cooper invited me to come along with him and Aaron. I’d
occasionally see Dad’s newest wife at the store. Margo was an odd bird.
Sometimes, she’d wave excitedly at me. Other times, she acted as if I was a
stranger. Didn’t matter since she never meant anything to me. The woman spent
the first year of marriage to my dad calling me David.

Margo came with two daughters. One was a raving bitch.
The other was a sweet, yet tough little broad. I’d always like Lark more. She
was easier to talk to because her mouth wasn’t on bitch twenty-four seven like
Raven’s. Lately, they’d both become friends. I even found Raven funny, rather
than obnoxious. Well, she was obnoxiously funny anyway.

So I had nothing to complain about really. When Dad
cut me off for taking Lark’s side over his, I thought my new business was dead
in the water. Instead, I received jobs from the Johanssons who controlled much
of Ellsberg. My business expanded quickly and I’d recently hired Nick Davies to
help me manage projects.

Most of my guys bullshitted nonstop, but Nick focused
on his work and kept to himself. He was the polar opposite of a guy like
Cooper.

The Johanssons made their money the illegal way and
had the muscle of the Reapers Motorcycle Club to ensure people behaved. If
Cooper walked into a room, crapped on the floor, and claimed you’d done it,
you’d apologize to him. Such power made men assholes and Cooper certainly had
his moods. Nick was the only guy I knew who didn’t fall for them either.

I ignored Nick’s silent unreadable ways and enjoyed
his competence. If I told him to do something, it got done. He didn’t complain.
Never made excuses. However when he needed to do something for his woman, I
knew never to disagree. Not when Nick’s woman was a Johansson.

Like many days, Bailey joined us for lunch and
explained to me how smart she was. Normally, I ignored her big mouth, but two
words drew my attention.
Winnie Todds.

“She’s taking care of Lark which was my idea,” Bailey
said, dipping a French fry into an enormous gob of ketchup. “I knew she’d be
really good at that. I have a way of knowing what people need. Being perceptive
is my new thing.”

As usual, I nodded at everything she said. Nick sat
next to her, eating a burger with one hand and caressing her blonde hair with
his other.

“Does she like the job?” Nick asked.

“Yeah. Winnie has a gentle way about her and likes
taking care of people.”

Nodding again, I thought about Winnie’s shy little
smile. I imagined running my fingers through her long brown hair. Her sad hazel
eyes broke my heart every time. Winnie was a slice of heaven here on earth and
I missed seeing her every day on the worksite like when she’d come by and help
her mom.

“Winnie needs a man,” Bailey announced.

Immediately agitated at the idea of Bailey setting up
my girl with some asshole, I frowned at her.

“She needs someone gentle though,” Bailey said,
staring right at me. “You were gentle with her when Nick’s dad and those
fuckers showed up. You got her to give you the knife. Yeah, you might work.
Want me to set you two up?”

Yes!
I
wanted to scream yes, but I didn’t think Winnie was ready to date anyone. She
was different when we first met. Shy, but confident in a way she wasn’t these
days. First the Devils showed up then Nick’s dad harassed Winnie. Since then,
she hid in her house more these days and I rarely saw her. When I did catch a
glimpse of her, she barely managed a hello.

If a smile was too much for her to handle, a date
would end in disaster.

“I don’t think Winnie should date anyone until she’s
feeling stronger,” I muttered.

“Having a guy might help her confidence. I remember
how insecure I was before Nick loved me,” Bailey said, smiling at her man.
“These days I’m strong. Before Nick, I was a delicate flower.”

We all laughed at the idea of Bailey ever being the
least bit delicate. The girl left the womb telling people what to do.

Yet she worked well with Nick. They fit like people
sometimes just fit. I’d never seen anyone in my family work that way. My mom
and dad had a dozen spouses between them. No one lasted, but I suspected Bailey
and Nick would. He knew how to tolerate her big mouth. Bailey always made him
smile and I noticed how his shoulders relaxed when she was nearby. People who
fit didn’t need to make sense on paper.

I wanted to fit like that with Winnie.

Every night, I drove by Oak Street before going home.
The neighborhood was in the most established parts of Ellsberg. Tree lined and
quiet, the street was also filled with cars. My SUV wasn’t noticeable in the
midst of a block full of vehicles.

Never once did I fool myself into thinking sitting in
the darkness and watching Winnie’s house was normal. I didn’t give a shit about
normal though. I needed to relax and nothing soothed me after a long day like
knowing Winnie was nearby. I rarely saw her except for when she walked to the
street to get the mail. Yet even hidden inside the house, she was enough to
calm me.

After awhile, I got into the habit of picking up
dinner and eating in the SUV. What started with driving past her house soon
turned into spending hours in my car. After eating, I’d kick off my shoes,
listen to a CD, and study the few photos I had of Winnie on my phone. Whenever
stressed about all my new responsibilities, I closed my eyes and imagined
Winnie sitting with me. Her beautiful eyes watching me. Her soft lips kissing
mine. Her always bruised hands touching my face. I had so many questions. What
was she doing? What did she have for dinner? Did she ever think about me?
Dreaming about Winnie eased my anxieties until I was chilling in the dark car.

Each night, I struggled to leave. My apartment felt
sterile and lonely. Even stuck in the cold SUV, I belonged to Winnie. I
remembered how she smiled at me when we first met. How she checked me out while
I worked. How she blushed when I caught her checking me out. Before the
assholes came to Ellsberg, I was ready to ask her out. Now I was forced to sit
in my car and wonder if I’d ever get another chance.

Winnie was special. She made the world better, but she
wasn’t mine and I didn’t know if she ever could be. I rarely saw her anymore
and life was too stressful without her presence.

In the cold evening, my chest scar throbbed.
Sometimes, the healing wound itched like crazy. Holding my hand over the wound
eventually warmed it enough to stop the pain.

As the temperature dropped, I thought about my
mother’s call earlier that day. We hadn’t spoken in months, but Mom wanted me
to know she was getting married again. Every time, she announced a new husband,
she acted as if she’d finally found her Prince Charming. Except evil queens
like my mother never found their fairytale endings. More likely, she’d end up
alone after the guy disappointed her. No one was ever good enough. Nothing ever
satisfied.

Knowing I wouldn’t sleep well away from her, I turned
off the SUV around eleven and climbed in the backseat. With a pillow and
blanket, I created a makeshift bed. Eventually, someone was bound to notice me
and become concerned. My stalking ways would be common knowledge and Winnie
would stop smiling at me. Until then, I needed her to keep the anger and stress
away.

Waking the next morning in an awkward position, I
straightened up and studied Winnie’s house. The 1960’s style ranch looked
welcoming in the faint sunlight. Imagining Winnie curled up in bed, I suspected
she slept with a stuffed animal under a mountain of covers. She seemed like the
kind of girl who needed help being soothed.

Fucked up in our own ways, we weren’t so different.
Winnie might be damaged like I wasn’t, but she had a warm family to keep her
sane. I was stronger, but alone in a world that didn’t see me most days.
Together, I suspected we’d compliment each other. Make sense like Nick and
Bailey did.

In the mornings, as I drove home to shower and prepare
for a new day, the reality of my situation struck me. Winnie was beautiful and
she smiled at me in the best way. Except she was locked away in her private
life and I had no way to get to her. I couldn’t ask her out. I could only sit
outside her house every night and dream of things never about to happen.

This was my life now - falling asleep with big dreams,
only to wake up to stark realities.

I picked up breakfast at Dairy Queen and noticed a
cute girl checking me out. Without the mohawk, I wasn’t as intimidating and
girls were always smiling at me. Sometimes, I wished one of them could distract
me from Winnie. They weren’t her though and no one else would do.

Back at work, I doubted Winnie and I could fit like
Nick and Bailey. I wasn’t a sensitive guy and she needed gentle. I wanted her,
but I wanted her to be happy more.

Once at work, I glanced around Cooper’s future office
which had become the project that kept on giving. The old building had one
problem after another. Cooper’s solution was to say, “fix it” and leave the
details to me. By the time I’d be finished, the place would be like new.

“Nice hammer,” Harlow said from behind me.

“Hey,” I said, glancing around casually to see if
Winnie was with her. “Nice shiner.”

“You should see the other chick,” she muttered. “Can
we talk?”

Setting down my hammer, I followed her away from the
other guys. Harlow seemed tense and I worried something was wrong with Winnie.

“This is awkward and I feel weird coming here like
this,” she said, pushing her blonde hair behind her ears. “Are you dating
anyone?”

My breath caught. A fear rose up in my chest at the
thought of Harlow wanting to date me. What would that mean for me and Winnie?
The look in Harlow’s eyes calmed my terror. I might as well have been a brick
wall based on the lack of attraction she showed.

“No.”

“Some girl was hugging you outside a restaurant.
Wasn’t that a date?”

Frowning, I scratched at my jaw where I forgot to
shave that morning. “That was a girl from high school. She might have been into
me, but we went out as friends. I’m not dating anyone.”

“Winnie saw you with that girl and she got really
upset. I know she’s not ready to have a boyfriend, but she wants you. Do you
want her?”

Playing it cool might be the stud move, but I didn’t
want to be a player. I wanted Winnie. Besides, for the second time in twenty
four hours, someone close to Winnie wanted to play matchmaker.

“Yes.”

Harlow nodded. “She’s messed up. You know that,
right?”

“I know she’s fragile, yeah.”

“Winnie has a lot of phobias. Not stupid shit for
attention, but real chronic problems that won’t go away because you’re hot.
She’s been in therapy for years and gotten stronger, but she’ll never be okay.”

“I understand.”

Harlow bit her lip then nodded again. “Do you want to
take her out to dinner tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

Harlow smiled. “You better be chattier than that on
the date or else no one will say anything. Winnie likely won’t say anything all
night, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to. She just takes a long time to
warm up to people.”

I wasn’t sure what Harlow saw on my face, but she
grinned.

“She really wants to warm up to you, Dylan. Don’t fuck
it up, okay?”

“I’ll do my best.”

When Harlow narrowed her eyes, I was pretty sure she
might hit me. “I appreciate the way you tried to save us that day. You showed
balls and I respect that. With that said, you better be taking this seriously,
understand?”

Leaning closer, I stared right into those suspicious
eyes. “No one makes me feel like Winnie. If she needs to take it slow, we’ll go
slow. If she wants to rush into it, we’ll rush. If she needs me to stand on my
fucking head and sing the
National Anthem
, I’ll do it. So yes, I’m
taking this very seriously,” I said, running a hand where short dark stubble
took the place of my mohawk. “I told Winnie I would wait and I meant it. What
you think is me being passive is just patience.”