Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (24 page)

There are several aspects to the debate that make me uncomfortable:

a) what's best for the children

b) the commercial aspect of surrogacy

c) the surrogate and how she feels about the whole process

d) feminism, racism, & colonialism

I think most parents want what's best for their children and the great majority are quite successful at it. I would even venture a guess that those of us who need some sort of medical assistance (or those who adopt) make better parents. Why? Because it is a long and very arduous process, because we spend years and years thinking about children, longing for children, and finally getting ready for children. By the time they come (if ever!), we're usually older and hopefully more mature. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure there are exceptions, but what you don't get with surrogacy, IVF or adoption are “oops, the condom ruptured”, “oops, I forgot to take the pill”, or “oops, I think I had too much to drink” or my personal favorite “Surprise!” I would venture a guess that those are the most common causes for kids to end up in trouble, parents who weren't ready, substance abusers, etc who just happen to “oops”…

The Swedish government's medical-ethical council suggests that all surrogate or intended parents should be screened (similar to adoption or foster parent screening), which I think is fine, but why not screen all parents while we're at it? I find it somewhat discriminating that those of us who spend so much time and effort (and money!) to become a parent need to be screened extra. Why not make a parenting class mandatory for all parents to be? That would be a good idea and it would give social services a chance to catch 'problematic' parents early on, potentially before the baby is born.

The committee also suggests that the surrogate be screened and that she must already be a mother. I think those are sensible precautions, and they are in line with India's law on the matter (which, btw, is a formidable piece of legislation if I may say so myself). But, sadly, the council draws the line at family and close friends and frowns upon paid surrogacies. This has to do with my point d) and I'll get back to that in a while. Unfortunately, this will leave a lot of us in the gutter, still needing to go abroad for treatment. Alex's sister, for instance, had a difficult pregnancy and couldn't have more kids. I only have a brother, and none of our close friends with a uterus have had kids. So we would still be left out, and that's problematic. Not everyone has a sister dying to give birth to another child.

The advantage of commercial surrogacy is that it is always available. As soon as the screening is done, there is someone who can help you carry your children.

I know that many people frown upon commercial surrogacy and in today's never-ending media coverage, the Ukraine and India were mentioned as the “horror” examples of a commercial industry, talking about “baby-factories.”

Here's the thing though. When men in third world countries (e.g. South Africa) work in mines and die (as happened not so long ago), we talk about a work environment issue. Nobody questions (as long as they're paid and get to go home to their families at night) their right to risk their bodies and their health for the sake of the rare minerals we need for our smart phones. But when a poor, uneducated woman does that which is the very essence of womanhood, i.e. carry a child, then all hell breaks loose. She has no choice. It's slavery. It's prostitution.

I beg to differ. The woman who is currently carrying our child is an angel, not a whore! The “given”, as it is referred to by the psychologists who follow the surrogate mothers throughout and after their maximum two surrogate pregnancies (under Indian law), is the most precious gift anyone could ever give us. To insinuate that we don't have anything but the utmost respect for her choice in the matter is just wrong. Grant you, most Indian surrogates may not have a great many career choices, given that they survived female infanticide, never got an education, and probably got married away without much of a choice. However, surrogacy gives them an option that by far outweighs the opportunities of e.g. working as a cleaning lady or working the fields. The money they make enables them to buy houses for their families, to provide their children with an education, better food, clothing, to provide their own children with a chance to break the shackles of poverty and the brutality of the caste system.

When we in the western world dismiss the choice of women in poor countries to do this, we are guilty of the worst sort of colonialism and paternalism there is. We basically tell these women that they aren't capable of making decisions on their own. We deny the very capacity to think rationally, and we do so with a bias that is unfair to a country like India. I doubt that surrogacy will be an industry in India in 50 years, because by then, hopefully all girls and boys will go to mandatory schools (not just recommended, as it is today). By then, most Indian women will have other career choices at hand. By then, maybe our western civilization will make it easier for women who don't want to have children to give birth rather than abort, and to give those kids up for adoption. Maybe by then, it will be easier to adopt kids in foster care, maybe we'll have less prejudice against kids who are not genetically “ours”, seeing them as exactly as valuable as blood offspring (which they are, of course), and maybe, just maybe, we may not need surrogacy any more. But until that day, we should worship women who give us that incredible gift of life, rather than tell them they're unable to think and make decisions on their own, because believe me, I've seen our dear surrogate with her youngest daughter, and I know that she would do anything to provide her and her older boys with the best possible start to life.

The problem with surrogacy isn't money. The problem is people (and organizations) breaking the laws and rules, and that isn't an “Indian” or “Ukrainian” problem. For what it's worth, horse meat is as much a Swedish problem as any other countries. There will always be people who abuse the system, but you don't solve the problem of criminals by denying parents who desperately long for children that possibility. Instead, the governments of this world should stop the criminals, those who do abuse the rights of women, men and children wherever and however it may be. I've had to study the Indian legislation on surrogacy and I can't see any fault in it, although, as a gay man, I'm concerned of the steps that are discussed to limit surrogacy to str8 couples only. That would, of course, be a huge mistake. Love and parenting skills are not dependent on your partner's sex or gender.

Instead of bashing India for providing the world with a much needed service, the world's governments (including Sweden's) should instead help India deal with emptying its many orphanages, stifle the abduction of children, stop female infanticide, pay for schooling, etc.

After having been through surrogacy first hand (21 days from finally meeting our son), having studied this in great detail, and working with an
excellent agency
(which I highly recommend!), I am no longer going to be bullied, belittled, and called names. I am proud to have given three children and their parents in India a chance at a better life, and I will never, ever forget what they are giving us. It bonds us for as long as we all live! And that is a good thing, because it's love.

We had a fight today, hubby and I, a big one…

Yeah, nerves are being worn on the sleeve these days and we're not even aware of it, but Alex put it pretty well when he said, “What if I won't be a good parent to Sascha?”

In my book, asking that question is the very best way to prevent becoming a bad parent…

We're seven days from leaving Sweden towards Mumbai and being united with our boy, and 11 days until his planned birth. At
36 weeks
pregnant, we're getting so close I can almost touch it. This last week went by as quickly as the ones before, filled with “final” preparations, only to be followed up by more “final” preparations, it seems we're never done.

But a couple of things worth mentioning happened this week. Sadly, not much in terms of news from India, although our surrogate has been hospitalized for three weeks now, news is suddenly scarce, despite weekly USGs. I did have to ask for a report earlier in the week and the answer was not really what I had hoped for, but alas, no news is good news… So we wait.

On Thursday, I got a phone call from the travel agency about our flight, but we don't have to issue the tickets until Thursday of next week, so we wait, just in case. They're re-bookable, so no hassle really, but that means we don't have to pay early which is fine, too. The hotel is ready, we bought some formula to take along and, oh wait, let me explain the formula thing…

LGBT certified
 (info in Swedish) child health clinic, the only one in Gothenburg.

We had our first visit at the child health center this week. In Sweden (I guess similar arrangements exist elsewhere), we have antenatal or maternal clinics where pregnant women receive care, from USGs to check-ups and what not. As fathers, we don't really exist in that program unless you're tagging along with the mother, and since our surrogate is abroad, we never got into that system. From the antenatal clinic, where you meet your midwife, you're then automatically transferred to the children's health clinic (“BVC” in Swedish) where the baby's health, growth, etc. is monitored. However, this transfer doesn't happen for us, so we had to “force” (well, gently, using e-mail) our way into the system.

In our region there is a chain of LGBT-certified clinics, so we chose the only one in Gothenburg for our visit. It's odd that you need to be specifically certified to treat all people like people, but alas, if that's what it takes, we might as well treat them preferably. We met with a nurse from BVC and a midwife to answer any medical questions we might have, but she wasn't able to really read the info from the clinic because of too many English acronyms (which I guess she's not used to, I'm not blaming her). After the midwife left, we got a run-down on what to expect from the child health clinic and a few tips.

Interestingly, I finally got the answer to why new moms 'smell,' at least here in Sweden. It seems we're encouraged to abandon deodorants while the baby bonds with us… Odd, so here's the deal. I won't abandon my deodorant. Maybe that's something to include in the next round of LGBT-certification: gays are picky about their physical appearance, well, most of us anyway… And stinking is definitively OFF the menu… But I do get the physical bonding part, and I doubt Sascha won't be able to bond with us just because we don't stink… Odd.

I wonder if they give such advice elsewhere, too?

We were also encouraged to buy thick, fluffy pillows for the baby to support his neck and head while sleeping and to also turn him on the stomach every now and then (NOT to sleep) to make sure he gets comfy in that position and to make sure his head is turned both ways so his head-shape develops naturally. It was all very common sense.

I've read about wrapping babies tightly in towels/blankets to make them feel snug, but here in Sweden, they teach a technique of a towel “burrito” that is placed around the baby to make it feel snug. I guess we'll try both and see what Sascha prefers.

We were also asked to buy Sascha a teddy to have close in bed, and to make sure we carry and imprint on it before we give it to him… Odd sensation to be so “animalistic” about these things, but here we are, carrying around a teddy bear on our naked skin, so the bear smells like us. Luckily, we're not wolves, or we'd just have peed on it! LOL

The final tip was to allow him to sleep in our bed, IF he turns out to be a cry-baby or a needy baby in terms of physical contact. We'll see how that goes. I have to be honest that I'm not too fond of the idea of having a baby sleep in my bed, but if that's what it takes to make him comfy and safe, then fine, at least until he's asleep… I'm just scared that there won't be any “us” time left between Alex and me if we end up having a child sleeping between us all the time, and I'm not just talking about sex, but intimacy, closeness in general. God knows I need it as much as air…

What else? Nothing really. I happened to transfer the money for the latest invoices to the wrong party in India and have spent much of last week trying to fix that blunder. I just hope it works out. I'd hate to have wasted all those dollars. But, yeah, if that blunder hurt, I'd be screaming still…

Next week, we'll be meeting with the family court and our lawyer one more time to get the final papers drawn up, and I still need to find a gift for our agency (we have an idea) and then we're ready, or are we?