Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (21 page)

Swedish Insurance authority. Not the most fun people to deal with. First of all, only women can apply for parental leave, men cannot, at least not prior to the child's birth, and you're not entitled to any parental money until after the child is legally in “our care.” That will be determined either by the family court bureau or a court of law. We may never even get child support or parental pay from birth which is so “normal” for everybody else. Worst case, we may lose 6 months…

Swedish Consulate in Mumbai. They sent me a list of 11 (!) documents to bring along, together with affidavits and the surrogate mother, her husband, their passports / IDs and a bunch of other stuff. Half the e-mail was highlighted in yellow, the rest was in red… I still haven't read it all, the administrative nightmare that is Sweden hitting me in the face like a blizzard.

Family Court in Gothenburg. We had a meeting with two older ladies yesterday and they are a bit of my heroes, as the family court (not really a court, but an agency dealing with adoptions and guardianship issues for the city of Gothenburg) was the first one in Sweden to facilitate the adoption of two kids to gay parents. I could've hugged the two ladies if it had been appropriate. Instead, I just thanked them for their groundbreaking work, happy to feel at least some support in all this.

Insurance companies. Oh my, my own insurance company refuses to insure our son until he's been living in Sweden for at least one year. The health risks to children born abroad are just too great (of all the cockamamy BS I've ever heard). But then again, insurance companies are like banks, screwing you at every turn. At least my other insurance company, where I have my corporate insurances, was willing to insure Sascha as soon as he's registered with the Swedish Tax authority and has been given his social security number (just like any other child).

tt

Here's a pic of the film that ultimately gave away that Sascha was indeed Sascha. Son, I hope you'll forgive your dad for uploading such a revealing picture! :)

Then there is Alex. At the family court yesterday, I realized for the first time, that in all my helplessness, at least I have a “biological” right. DNA is on my side. With all the laws and rules that the straight majority has put in place, they can't touch DNA or they lose their own privileges. But Alex? He's no rights whatsoever, only hope. If I refuse to allow him to adopt Sascha, he has nothing. We had a long talk about trust, love and hope yesterday, and I hope that I've been able to assuage any fears that linger.

I love that man from the bottom of my heart and I know he'll be an amazing father to our son and any other kids we might have, and for what it's worth, I promise you right here, right now, to never stand in the way between you and Sascha, including adopting him.

So this is where we stand this week. Flights are booked, hotel is confirmed, the Palace is looking forward to the baby almost as much as we are (it's nice to have a home away from home) and I look forward to the month we'll share together, the three of us, our little family, getting to know each other, bonding.

Finally, you must've gathered as much from the above, but the films confirmed quite graphically that the child we expect is indeed a boy. It was an accident, we never wanted to know, having looked forward to the surprise when Dr. Yashodhara would come to us with the child. “Congratulations, it's a …” Well, Sascha, you couldn't wait to tell us, erm, show us, which is fine. Now that we know, it makes answering the question about your sex even more difficult. And not being one to lie, we might as well tell people, right?

After all, you do take after your dad, never one for secrets, eh?

Sascha Daniel Jacob Surya, ten more weeks before we meet!

Doesn't he look amazing, our boy? 

Look at his big heart, and the cute little nose! :)

Dear Sascha!

Being pregnant (even though no womb in sight, sadly) is a wondrous thing, and I think I understand why mother nature gave us humans nine months to get ready for the day we first meet you. We need that time to get ready, desperately.

I recall one particular
post
back in October when I had my doubts about being ready or not. Tomorrow we begin week 30 of our journey to parenthood, and although your “official” due date is April 13, our
clinic
has decided to induce delivery in the Easter week, i.e. 9 weeks from now. We should hold you in our arms before March 31. I guess you take after both your dad and your mother, who both stand tall at 6'1”. Either that or you can't wait to get out, not that I don't think your surrogate mother does everything to keep you safe within her.

Plenty of work to be done before that day. We have a meeting with an attorney next week to help us with all the legal stuff around the massive paperwork involved, but I guess that's only a good thing. The other aspect is, of course, all the things we need to get ready for the day you move into the house with us.

We've ordered your crib and some sleep ware, blankets, etc, and we've bought some more children's clothes last weekend. It's just stunning how expensive that stuff is given you'll be wearing it for a month, tops. On Sunday, I hope to go out and find some more stuff, maybe.

In a way, it feels odd to buy stuff months ahead of your arrival, but on the other hand, it helps to keep our minds positive and away from the less positive news of the past weeks. On the upside, we did get our visas this week, which was a real breakthrough, at least mentally.

I am so ready to meet you, and I think most parents in my situation feel the same. Those final weeks of longing being painful, so that when we finally hold our children in our arms, the hormone levels are where they must be, so that the bonding can begin and we're ready to get up every 2-3 hours to feed you guys.

Speaking of feeding, I've been to a couple of grocery stores and pharmacies looking for formula for you, but haven't really dug into this yet, not knowing which label we should go for. Seems we have two or three to choose from here in Sweden. I'll take some drops (supposedly helping with tummy aches and kickstarting the digestive track) with us from here, unsure if we can get our hands on those in Mumbai, but I'm sure we'll find formula there. I might also buy a couple of baby bottles there, given the ongoing news debates about various dangerous chemicals in bottles and pacifiers. Obviously, we want to make sure that you stay healthy…

One of the other reasons I want you to come sooner rather than later (don't get me wrong, stay put in your womb as long as you feel the need to, to get the best possible start!) is all the 'advice' we’ve started to receive from people left, right, and center. The gentle stabs in our sides and comments about “enjoy your lives while you can”, “sleep while you can”, etc. For some reason, I seriously doubt that my life will end, or that we won't have any more fun after you're born, honestly. Of course, I know that we'll have to do things different with you around, but I think we'll be able to discover new things instead, rediscover the world through your eyes. I can't wait to show you the world, my son! We'll be traveling a lot, that is a promise. You'll meet amazing people all over the world, you'll be loved and cherished (and pampered, I fear) by the people your dads love so much.

As for sleep, I don't know yet. That's up to you. I wouldn't mind if you learned to sleep at nights, just like we do, just like our cats do, but if you're hungry and want a cuddle, you'll get it, and we'll sleep later, don't worry. I couldn't care less what people think, but at some point, I wish people could just shut up and stop with their wise ass comments. I know most of them mean well, and I know it is part of our cultural ritual, but I wish they would remember the birth of their own kids, the emotional turmoil they went through… Do we forget so easily?

Your surrogate's pregnancy hasn't been an easy one, and now we also have to deal with
gestational diabetes
. Luckily, with all the check-ups, it was discovered early and nipped in the butt! You'll be fine and your amazing surrogate mother is fine, that's the important thing. It's amazing just how quickly these first 29 weeks have passed. Yet, when I look back upon them, yes, it's been a while since that first visit to Mumbai to get things
started
.

Nine weeks, wow! Well, let's take one day at a time, one document, one hurdle at a time and in time, we'll be able to take you into our waiting arms!

Love & Light

No, time cannot move fast enough.

Not when you are this close. Not when you have a son waiting for you some five thousand miles away. Waiting to leave the shelter of his surrogate's womb, to see the light of day, join this world, to finally meet his fathers.

No, it seems to me that time is moving slower than ever before, which is odd, but it does remind me of my own childhood's never-ending school days, when a lesson would go on forever and ever and ever, no end in sight, moving at a slow, steady pace.

As I grew older, time seemed to be picking up a different pace, moving faster. Faster for every year I grow older, and I've been known to crack jokes about why time seems to be moving faster as we grow old, so that we may feel those last painful suffering years in elderly care would seem like a two week vacation…

Not anymore.

Looking for an image about waiting, I was amazed to find this one, my own, from “our” school in Gurgaon, where Alex and I sponsor 200+ kids with school lunches every day. Here, our little ones are waiting, patiently, for their dhal and fruit.