Dads: A gay couple's surrogacy journey in India (2 page)

It's time to think about myself and Alex for a while. After all, everyone else seems to think of themselves first. Sure, critics will claim us to be egotistical, but if that is what I am, so are all those other parents wanting children. I am no different. The difference is that I cannot procreate naturally, as neither Alex nor I have a womb.

I am going to write to you about our progress over the weeks and months to come as a testament of what we were thinking and feeling. How we were reasoning, so that you, in time, many many moons from now, have this documentation about how strongly we wanted you to join our family. Alex and I are ready for you. We love you already more than you can imagine. Our house, your room, the cats, our friends and family, we are all waiting to welcome you, to give you the best possible chance at a good start in life.

We don't know who you are, boy or girl, what color your eyes will be or the tone of your skin. It is irrelevant. What we do know with absolute certainty is that the doors to our hearts are wide open.

Walk right in and take your seat, whenever that will be!

Love,

Bappi

PS: The next time I'll write to you, I'll explain why we have changed our mind about surrogacy.

OMG!

I think I'll need to say that again: OMG!

I have not blushed this much since I saw a 5 meter vagina projected onto the wall during my psychology training (during a medical lecture on procreation). But my discussion with the IVF clinic today certainly had that effect.

After my first letter to you yesterday, dear child, your father and I have taken first steps towards fatherhood. Genetic fatherhood. You might still come to us some other way, and in all honesty, we hadn't even considered becoming biological parents because to us, genes weren't relevant. They still aren't. Since the genetic variation between us humans is so minuscule (we share 99% with chimps, so the differences between a brunette, a redhead or blond are minuscule from a biological point of view).

Yet culturally, we place tremendous value on genes, and grandparents rejoice in recognizing their noses or eyes in their grandchildren. I know my father thinks that genes are everything.

From a legal point of view, they are, too. This is also the reason why we “lost” a child last week. Because no matter what evil parents do to their children, in this country, the axiom is to always try and reunite children with their birth parents, no matter what the cost is to the children in terms of suffering.

There are literally no adoptions of Swedish kids possible and the ones that are usually come from within families. Friends of ours got “lucky” and were able to adopt a baby boy recently, but only because the child suffers from severe defects (non-lethal, and I hear he'll be fine if he survives the open heart surgery), but it's sad to think that gay parents are only good enough for “second rate merchandise!” Don't get me wrong, Alex and I would have gladly opened our home to such a child. There is nothing wrong with having a heart condition, but it's sad to think that others (straight couples) did not want such a child…

So if we were to father you of our own DNA, we would also legally have sole custody over you, and that is important for a great many reasons...

Anyway, as we have decided to also embark on the surrogacy path, we are suddenly faced with things I never thought I'd have to go through.

The first step is apparently to get a “swimmer's test”, i.e. fertility test or semen count. Both of us are going to do that to ascertain whether we are in fact able to become fathers on our own. I don't think that's an issue, but you never know. Your aunt, your dad's sister, was having trouble and even on my side of the family there is an aunt who was unable to give birth. Now I've never asked whether it was the father or the mother who has the issues, but it is that kind of thing we need to look at.

Once that is done, we'll then enroll in a program, select a donor egg (not sure if I look forward to that process) and then whisk off to India to get things rolling…

Do you have any requests of what you would want your mother to look like? What traits would you like to inherit? Since we don't know if you'll be a girl or a boy, this is the kind of question we've never had to deal with. Given that tall people are statistically more successful, I think we'll want your mother to be tall, healthy of course, but do you have any preferences as to eye color, hair color, skin tone?

How do you choose the mother of one's child? I find myself at loss… But we have time to think it through. I'm nervous enough about the semen test in two weeks. Having to meet a doctor for a “talk” (about?), then having to lock yourself in a cubicle and make “love” to yourself in a jar. Thank goodness for mobile porn… Note to self: stock up!

I also promised you an explanation as to why we chose a surrogate mother, rather than attempting the old-fashioned approach so many of our brethren have chosen, to father a child with a female friend. First of all, we don't have any lesbian friends in our immediate friend circle. Secondly, neither your father nor I feel comfortable with “planning” that you'll spend every two weeks at a different house from conception. It's sad enough when it happens through a separation.

There is, of course, plenty of controversy around surrogacy, and in this country, it's still illegal (although it happens). Feminists claim that it is yet another abuse of the female body by men (and the occasional wife who cannot carry a child). I see their point. Any pregnancy is risky, no doubt, and to do that without pay is a tremendous sacrifice by those women. I cannot fathom how anyone would do that for a stranger, and I am incredibly grateful for the woman who might eventually carry you to term and give birth to you, because her gift is instrumental for us becoming parents. Although not biologically your mother (as it won't be her genetic material), she will be key to you becoming a part of this world.

The risks are, of course, not only to her. The conception has to work, the egg has to be implanted to find a nice niche to take hold in the womb. All of those things are difficult enough in a natural pregnancy, but IVF is all the more complex.

So why did we opt for surrogacy after all, despite the risk to the surrogate mother, despite the fact that we don't really believe in genes? It's quite simple really. We are desperate, and this is our final chance to become parents. Many may call us egotistical, judge us for placing our own good above that of the surrogate mother, and - in the case of many in the religious communities - above your best interests.

And yet it is that very community, our society, that is forcing us to do that. Sure, we could abstain from children, but why should we not have what is the very essence of life? Procreation? Had one of your fathers been a woman, society would applaud us for what we do. They would pick up the tab and they would support us every step of the way. But we are not. We pay our own bills for this treatment on top of our taxes. We proceed although many view us as pariahs. We try to live the life of any other family on this planet. Longing for completion through the arrival of a child or grandchild.

Yes, we do take for ourselves the right to parenthood. If people want to call us egoists for that, let them. It will not diminish our love for you one iota! And I promise that you will have an amazing childhood with us because we have waited for you ever since the very first phone call between your dad and I, 11 years ago. We have both always wanted children.

Dear Child!

I just got back from our local doctor's office here on the island where they've taken a blood sample.

Oddly, I feel this immense sadness right now, and a tear or two are rolling down my cheeks. I don't really know why, but I guess it is because of the extraordinary emotional pressure this is putting on us.

Besides, while most couples lovingly (or hornily) take their first steps towards you, for us, the process starts with needles, blood & filling in forms.

I really do envy straight couples. I mean let's face it, most babies are created by accident. “Oops, I forgot the condom.” “Oops, I stopped taking the pill without telling you.” “Oops, I'm drunk, let's fuck.” “Oops, .” Only a few are really planned. I think those people that are lucky enough to get knocked up by accident have no idea how hard it is for those of us (gay, str8 or otherwise) to become parents...

I'm not sure why I feel this sadness, and neither does your father. He just warned me not to do anything stupid (now why would I do that when you're the end result??) Maybe the sadness stems from the fact that we're finally underway. Maybe it's the fact that I was alone when it happened. Maybe it's because of the not very pleasant environment. Maybe it's just your dad being his usual drama queen self… :) Maybe!

I had a date with the nurse at 2:30 p.m. today to take a blood sample. Specifically, the doctors in Mumbai want to make sure that I have no venereal diseases that might affect your mother (or her egg) and the surrogate mother. They'll check for things like HIV, Hepatitis B, C etc.

When I got there, things got tense for a while as the nurse felt she needed to consult with a doctor for permission to order the tests, which for me meant more waiting. Luckily, my doctor, Henrik, is a really awesome guy who's helped me with my asthma treatment which I contracted due to all the smoke I've been subjected to in my life. A great guy who even treats me through e-mail if need be!

Take a close look at your Bappi's elbow and the place where the first step towards you was taken. For the first time in as long as I can remember, the wound didn't close immediately and I bled through the entire band aid on my way home. I just hope it’s not an omen...

He has this demeanor that just calms you down. He read the form, quickly gathered what was needed and off I was to “let blood.” After that, it was a breeze. Giving blood has never been a problem for me. I've got great veins! :)

It'll take up to two weeks for the results to get back. *sigh*

Patience is not one of my virtues! :) I hope you inherit that trait from me. That would be awesome… Speaking of inheriting, your father and I have made a deal, that if my swimmers work out, I'll be the donor to create you and your father will be the donor for your little sibling in a year or two.

Wouldn't that be cool? To have a sibling to play with?

The other day, I was once again confronted by the adage that us gay people 'choose' our "life style." You know, why would anyone choose to go through all this voluntarily? Who?

Had it not been for you, and I picture you with curly dark hair and the most beautiful eyes, I doubt I'd do this. But, for you, they might as well poke me, probe me, take as much of my blood as they want and have me squirt my swimmers into as many beakers they provide me with. I'll just close my eyes and picture the day your father and I arrive at our house with you in our arms. That's the day we are looking forward to. On that day, we'll look back upon this ordeal with a chuckle. It will have been worth it…

Dear child!

Planning you is quite a challenge. It requires a lot of thought, because once you arrive, things are going to change. For your parents, having lived as DINKS so far, the paradigm shift that children imply, comes slowly.

Yesterday, your dad and I sold our very child friendly car, our very own “Björn”, our Volvo XC90 with seven seats, big enough to carry an entire handball team plus coach! :) To us, the environment was more important than driving this huge car which, quite frankly, is very thirsty! Not to mention dangerous at 309 g of CO2/km. Our new one only releases 94 grams.

Yet, for a second, I was scared, because I realized that I had completely forgotten about you. But rest assured, for the first few years, there's plenty of space for tiny you and once you grow, and if we get a sibling, we'll buy another one, hopefully completely CO2 free by then! But when the thought dawned on me, I felt cold shivers running down my spine for a minute.

Looking for a job, knowing I'll be taking parenting leave in one year's time isn't easy either. I think most people do this the smart way. They get the job then wait for the 6 months probation to pass before they tell their employer the news. I could never do that, not only because the “truth” is already out there for the world to read, but more importantly, because of my ethics. I just don't think it's fair… Alas, finding an employer who is willing to employ someone like me in Sweden isn't easy. I have an odd foreign name (I'm referred to as “blatte” by Swedish recruiters), I’m over 40 (way too old) and I’m about to be a parent. And he's gay, the icing on this unemployable cake… But I don't give up. I do believe there is something for me to do!