Cuts Run Deep (14 page)

My conversation with Mom ended abruptly when Dad called her on her cell phone. I wanted to stay and eavesdrop, find out if he knew anything, but Mom turned away from me and spoke in a whisper. I took the hint and slipped out of her room, closing the door securely behind me. It was fine, though, because it gave me a chance to read Jackson’s journal again. Even though I’d finished it, I longed to re-read it. It was all I had left of him now. It was the only way I’d ever hear his voice again.

My bare feet shuffled on the soft carpet as I headed down the hallway toward my room. After stepping inside, I closed the door and then hurried to my dresser. The journal was right where I left it. As I lifted it up, I felt as if I was near Jackson. I could feel him here with me, as if he truly lived within the pages of his journal. As if his words could bring him back to life.

If only.

All morning my heart had been anxious to get back here. Anxious to hear Jackson’s voice, re-read his stories, be alone with his thoughts. Clutching the book to my chest, I heard Mom’s voice floating down the hallway from her room. I thought of how distraught she’d been. How desperate she was for answers. If she or Dad knew I had this journal they’d take it, and I’d never see it again.

Setting the journal down on the bed, I grabbed the edge of the chair that sat in front of my desk. Then I dragged it across the room and propped it under the doorknob. I didn’t have a lock on my bedroom door, so it was the best I could do. I’d never thought of doing it before, but one time Jackson had done it. That’s how I got the idea. Sure, it would arouse suspicion if Mom tried to get in, but she’d never suspect what I was hiding. She would never guess that Jackson kept a journal.

Whirling around, I walked back to the bed. When I reached it, I plunked down next to the journal and picked it up. Setting it in my lap, I peeled back the pages until I reached the last one I read. My fingers skimmed over the ragged edges of the torn pages after it. If only I could read those pages. Deep in my heart, I knew they had the answers I was looking for. They had to. Why else would they be missing? Bobbing my head up, my gaze caught on the book of poetry I had taken from Jackson’s room, and I thought about the poem tucked inside. Maybe if I read the poem again I could make sense of it. Perhaps if I scanned some of Piper’s poetry book it would help me in deciphering Jackson’s poem. Dropping the journal, I stood and moved toward the book. After picking it up, I carried it to my bed and sat back down. It felt good to be surrounded by Jackson’s belongings; his words, his stories, his poetry. Opening the book, I flipped to find where I’d stuck the poem before carrying the book to my room. As I perused the pages, my fingers caught on a piece of tape. It stuck to my fingertip.
That was odd.

Peeling it off my skin, I opened to the page with the tape, and my heart arrested in my chest. It was one of the missing journal entries. He must have hidden them in here. Heart pounding, I yanked it out.

Bending my head, I allowed Jackson’s words to wash over me.
I have a confession to make. I’ve done something pretty damn terrible.
My heart started to pound in my chest, and I felt sick as I read on. By the time I finished the entry, my mouth had filled with moisture, my stomach rolled. I worried I would throw up. Swallowing it back down, I breathed in deeply to ward off the nausea.

My head bobbed up, my gaze catching on the chair in front of my door, and my breath caught in my throat.
January.
It was January when Jackson barricaded himself in his room the same way I just did. I remembered how cold it had been that day. How it rained without ceasing.

Jackson was out late. I overheard Mom tell Dad that Jackson had texted to say he was out with the guys. Mom seemed pleased, but I was confused. Jackson hadn’t hung out with Tyler and Zach for awhile. It was odd that he would be out with them so late. Had something happened with Piper?

Mom and Dad went to bed around nine-thirty, but I stayed up and watched TV until ten. I was hoping to see Jackson when he got home, but I was too tired to stay up any longer. My eyelids lowered, closing over my eyes, and I kept yawning. So finally I gave up and trudged upstairs to my room. After brushing my teeth and changing into my pajamas, I crawled into bed. I was asleep within minutes of lying my head on the pillow.

Noises awoke me. It took me a moment to hone in on the sounds. It was footsteps on the ground, doors closing, hushed voices. I was sure it was Jackson and his friends, but still apprehension filled me. It wasn’t that the noise was so foreign. No, these were pretty normal sounds in our home. Jackson stumbling in late and whispering with his friends was something we were accustomed to. Still this felt different. The noises were the same, but the sensation in my gut was new.

I flung off my covers and swung my legs off the bed. The carpet tickled the pads of my feet when I stood up and stepped across the room. When I opened my bedroom door, I peeked out in the hallway. It was empty and dark. Faint voices traveled from under Jackson’s door. Curious, I crept toward it. When I reached it, I wasn’t sure I’d have the courage to go inside if his friends were here. Sure, they were always nice to me, but I was in my jammies. And I was sure my hair was a mess. Reaching up, I touched the tangled strands. Yes, without even looking I could tell it was a mess up there.

“C’mon, hurry up. Toss it in the bag,” I heard Jackson bark.

“I am.” Even through the door I could tell that was Tyler’s voice. He always had a whiny, scared tone. However, tonight that was amplified.

“Okay. Got it,” Zach’s voice was gruff.

I shuddered, my elbow hitting the wall.

“What was that?” Zach asked.

I froze. What the hell was I going to say if they came out and caught me eavesdropping? I thought of running back to my room, but that would really get their attention. So instead I stood still, unmoving, and barely even breathing.

“I don’t hear anything,” Jackson said.

“Damn it, you don’t even have a lock on your door, man,” Zach whispered.

“No one’s going to come in here. Everyone’s sleeping,” Jackson responded. But Zach must not have been satisfied with that answer, because Jackson said, “Fine. Here. Hand me the chair.” I heard the chair being dragged across the ground and then set against the door. At least that’s what I assumed he had done. It was smart, actually, and I tucked away the information for later in case I ever needed privacy.

Tugging on the edge of my pajama top, I leaned against the wall and bit my lip. What were they doing in there? A dozen ideas flew through my mind - using drugs, drinking, watching porn, stalking girls’ Facebook pages. It had to be something like that. Jackson and his friends weren’t into anything sinister.

Curiosity satisfied, I tip-toed back to my room. Once inside, I got back in bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. A few minutes later I heard Jackson’s door open. Then I heard footsteps passing my room and heading down the stairs. I got out of bed, and raced to my door. Opening it slightly, I peered out. Tyler and Zach were at the bottom of the stairs, but they were visible. In Zach’s hand he held a large plastic bag. Tyler’s body was angled in such a way that I noticed the front of his shirt. I caught the wording displayed across the chest and recognized it as one of Jackson’s. Why was he wearing Jackson’s shirt? I knew girls shared clothes all of the time, but I didn’t think boys did that sort of thing.

Before I could think on it further, Jackson was standing in front of me. “Court?”

I let out a tiny squeal, and then composed myself. “Hey.”

“What are you doing?” His forehead knit together. I heard the front door open and close below us.

“I heard noise, and it woke me.”

“Oh.” He smiled. “It was only me.”

“You just got home?”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “But it’s late, so I should hit the sack.”

“Okay. Night.”

“Good night.” As he turned away from me I went back into my room. Afterward the memories of that night were fuzzy and sleep laden, therefore, I never thought of it again. But if I had, I would have remembered that when Jackson said goodnight he raised his hand, curling his fingers down in a slight wave. And there had been dried blood on his knuckles.

That was a close call. After Zach and Tyler left, I caught Courtney poking her head out into the hallway. Initially I worried that she saw us when we first arrived, but she had that sleepy look in her eyes and her hair was all over the place. Besides, she didn’t look frightened, just curious.

If she had seen us in our bloody clothes she would have been scared. I know my sister. The worst thing she’d ever seen was that snake when we were kids. She acts like she’s tough, but she’s a softie. Even those damn TV shows she watches scare the shit out of her.

I don’t regret what I did. I know I should, but I don’t. It felt good actually. Like Piper finally got the justice she deserved. I almost wish I could tell her, but I know I can’t. She’d kill me. The first time I mentioned wanting to murder that son of a bitch she made me promise not to go after him. But come on. How can she hold me to that kind of promise? The guy raped her. There. I wrote it. He raped the girl I love. The girl that means everything to me. And worse yet, he got away with it. I couldn’t just let that go. He had to pay.

Piper may never understand, but the guys did. Well, Tyler might not have, but Zach did. Of course Zach had always been the revenge-seeking type. Actually Zach just liked an excuse to get into a fistfight. The guy was always on the verge of popping a fuse. I think it was because his real dad used him as a punching bag when he was younger. He hadn’t seen him in years. His stepdad treated him well, but I don’t think Zach had ever gotten over what his dad did to him.

Tyler was terrified the whole night, but he’ll get over it. Maybe it’ll toughen him up. It would do him some good. He seriously needs to grow a pair.

But honestly, I’m grateful to Tyler and Zach for going with me tonight. For the first time in months I have hope that maybe our friendship can survive my relationship with Piper. Neither one of them talked bad about her at all today. And they helped me get revenge…for her. That means something to me. I won’t ever forget it.

Don’t worry. We didn’t kill the guy, even if I wanted to. I stopped before it got that far. No, we just roughed him up a little. Okay, who am I kidding? We roughed him up a lot. He didn’t put up much of a fight either. I mean, I know it was three against one, but, seriously, the guy was a twerp. I could’ve taken him with one hand behind my back.

No wonder he has to prey upon helpless women. But it’s all over now. There’s nothing standing between me and Piper any longer. Well, other than Shane. He’s still kind of a thorn in my side. As nice as I am about him, I wish he’d go away and leave Piper alone. But I’ll have to deal with that later. I think I’ve done enough for one night.

So, my trusty secret keeper, this is just between you and me. No one will ever find out what I did. Zach and Tyler are disposing of our bloody clothes, and we’ve all promised to never speak of this night again.

“Was there anyone else who would have reason to hurt Jackson?” Mr. Roth asked.

“His former friends,” Mom blurted out. “They didn’t like Piper. They bullied her and everything. They pretty much cut Jackson off because of it. Why aren’t the police looking at them?  I mean, Jackson even fought with one of them. Right, Piper?”

One night I was upset and I spilled everything to Mom about how the kids at the school were treating me. “Yes, it’s true.” I nodded. “But they had sort of made up recently.”

The truth was that I wasn’t happy about Jackson making up with Zach and Tyler. It came out of nowhere. One day he hated them, and the next day it was like they’d been friends all along. And that was when things started to fall apart between us. When I looked back at that day I thought of it as the beginning of the end for us.

It was raining when I pulled into the school parking lot. Before getting out of the car I tugged the hood of my jacket over my hair. Then I strapped on my backpack and hopped out into the rain. Liquid pelted me in the face and dripped down my back as I raced toward the school. When I was safely inside the hallway, I shivered, allowing the warmth to seep into my frigid skin. Yanking off my hood, my red hair spilled out of it, falling over my shoulders. I shook it out and headed toward my locker with my head down.

Chatting swirled around me. When I heard a familiar voice, my head snapped up. Jackson stood a few feet away in a circle with Tyler, Zach and Tanya. My heart plummeted. It was like I went back in time. As if I’d pushed a rewind button, and it was the beginning of the school year again. For a minute I felt like my whole world was crashing down. He appeared comfortable; in his element. He was laughing and joking like he belonged with them. And maybe he did. Perhaps this was the group he was supposed to be with. As I watched him I wondered if he’d finally realized that he didn’t need me. That I was too damaged, too needy. That he’d be better off without me.

But then he glanced up, and our eyes met. His smile deepened, his eyes shining. He murmured something to his friends and then stepped toward me. Tanya scowled as he headed in my direction, but I didn’t pay attention to her. My eyes were on Jackson’s. I wanted to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling. I needed to know that we were still connected.

When he reached me, he swept me into an embrace, his lips brushing over my cheek. “Hey, baby.”

And just like that I knew he wasn’t done with me. He was my Jackson. Still, I had to know what was going on. “What was that about?” I pointed in the direction of his friends. “Why were you talking to them?”

“We sort of worked things out.”

“Oh.”

“But it doesn’t change anything with us.” He stole another kiss. This one on my lips. “You’re still my number one.”

“Okay.” I wanted to believe him and let it go, but it wasn’t that simple.

“Hey.” He touched my face. “What’s wrong?”

“They hate me, Jackson. How can you be friends with them again?”

“They don’t hate you,” he said.

“Yes, they do.” I shifted my gaze. They were watching us.

“They’re changing. Just give them another chance.” A few students walked past, and a backpack hit me in the arm. I moved out of the way, closer to Jackson. His arms tightened around me.

“Really? What brought on this sudden change?” I had the sick feeling this might all be a setup.

“Piper, just trust me, okay? I would never let anyone hurt you.” Reaching his hand up, he brushed a strand of hair from my face.

“I know. I just don’t know why you even need them. You have me.” I smiled.

But Jackson didn’t smile back. Anger flashed in his eyes. “So you can have a friend but I can’t?”

I reeled back, stunned by his sudden shift in behavior. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about Shane. You know, the guy you hang out with.” He emphasized the word “guy.”

“Jackson, you know I’m not interested in Shane. He’s just my friend. Why can’t you trust me?”

He grinned as if he had me. “Exactly. I could ask you the same thing.”

I groaned. “Fine. I’ll give your friends another chance if you promise to let up on Shane a little bit.”

“Deal.” I thought he’d be happy that I gave in to him, but he still appeared perturbed.

The bell pealed and students started whisking by, all flying in different directions. “I have to get to class.”

“See you soon, baby.” He pressed a kiss to my lips, but it lacked its usual passion. His mouth moved over mine skillfully, but it felt robotic almost. When he released me, I watched him walk away, a sense of foreboding washing over me. Something was wrong.

Something had changed.