Cut (27 page)

This story is to be continued in the exciting follow up... '
Battlescars'
.

Continue for a sneak peak.

“
I
hope the wound heals but it never does
That's cause you're at war with love
You're at war with love....
These battle scars don't look like they're fading
Don't look like they're ever going away
They ain't ever going to change
These battle scars...”

As we near the destination of our not-long-enough drive, I can't help but feel disappointed that I couldn't muster the courage to initiate more conversation. Most of the trip has been filled with useless questions about the music blasting through the radio and other unimportant crap. I noticed her turning the volume up every few songs, I think, so I didn't discuss anything too difficult with her. I mean I realise this is awkward. Fuck, awkward is probably the understatement of the century! But after the past few times we have seen each other we have taken some small steps forward. Any movement, ever so slight in the right direction sounds great to me. I know I don't really deserve it and I hate myself for it; but I know in my heart, if she would just give me the chance to make it all up to her I could prove that I was just stupid and would never do anything to hurt her or us again. I peek towards her cautiously out of the very corner of my eye, still keeping my head facing the road in front. Having her sit so close to me without being able to reach out and hold her just fucking kills me. The past few months have been hell, and there isn't a day that goes by I don't regret what I did. Although, it has made me realise that there is no one in the world I want to be with other than her and I don't care what I have to do or how long it takes - I need to get her back!

As I take the final turn into the street and notice those olive green hedges lining the sidewalk, I gulp heavily as I approach the terrace where my world came crashing down. The residence before me holds nothing but ill feelings and I anxiously take a deep breath.

“Are you sure you are ready to do this?” I nervously ask. As she turns to look at me, her beauty in point blank range strikes me hard in the chest.

“I can handle it," she replies confidently. I know all too well how worried she is, a lifetime of knowing someone gives you the inside to those emotions. She was always so strong on the outside, usually for the both of us, but this was my chance to try and be the strong one for her. I
owed
this to her and to us if we were to have any future together.

I reach my hand over toward hers covering it as it lays face down on the passenger seat. I gaze down at my tanned palm gently encasing her fair hand, smiling at the contrast between our colours and squeeze ever so slightly. Skin to skin contact with her again after months of absence is taking every inch of strength I have not to pull her to me in a crushing embrace. I would never let her go.

“I would do anything Penny. Anything, to have this again,” I breathe sincerely. I worry I have said a little too much as she slowly wriggles her palm from under my grasp and smiles at me forcefully. She looks painfully torn and I think my heart just rips a little more for the hurt I have caused her.

“Evan, I can’t discuss this right now," she responds as she looks out the window toward the house.

“I know, I know. It’s just I wanted, I needed you to hear that. To know that.”

She turns her gaze back toward me and looks at me with those mesmerising blue eyes with the familiarity and comfort rushing back to me in that very moment. Knowing no one else on this planet would even come close to her for me, ever, and why I've refused to go out and even contemplate dating.

Why would I?

When my heart and soul has already tasted such perfection.

“I know,” she whispers delicately.

Oh God...

I take another breath realising its now or never. I have wasted the drive already without telling her how I feel, but I may not get another opportunity like this. I have to say... something.

“If there was any way you could ever... you know. I would spend my life making this whole mess up to you Penny," I inhale deeply. "You deserve the world, I love you so much.” I sniff slightly as I realise a tear has subtly escaped from my eye and down my cheek. I fucking love this girl! I just need her to forgive me. Somehow. I can't live in this world without her. I
can't.

“I know Evan. I know.”

She unlocks our intensity by eyeing over her surroundings outside once more, taking a breath to muster the courage to do what she came here for.

“I have to go, get this over with before I change my mind," I hear her mumble.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?” I urge again, probably trying to string out what little time I had left with her.

“And risk seeing you two together? Are you kidding me?”

Ouch.

I flinch at her forwardness, but I fucking deserve it.

“Sorry,” she adds.

She's sorry?

That
kills
me.

“It’s okay, I can’t say I don’t blame you for that.”

I realise that this was it. Even though it was small, at least I said what I wanted to. I hope it was just enough that maybe there'd be a chance we could talk again and try to move some more steps forward. Not knowing if I will even see her again pains me to say the least, but after everything, I have been given way more than I deserve and I need to be appreciative of that. My thoughts are instantly halted as I see her face lean quickly towards me. My automatic reaction would be to meet her lips with mine, and enjoy the taste of her mouth as we kiss passionately - the way we always did. Just the very thought of it sends my pulse raising. But as I hold my breath at her closeness, she tilts slightly and allows her cool lips to sting my cheek tenderly; before pulling away immediately. I let my breath out and blink my eyes rapidly, using every bit of strength I have not to pull her towards me and crush her to my chest.

“Thank you for the ride,” she says as she steps out of the vehicle and closes the door behind her. I buzz down the passenger window and take one last desperate glance toward her.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to come back and get you?”

“I’m fine, I will call a taxi to take me to a hotel, thanks.”

I don't want to leave her here, but I know I have to go. There was nothing more I could right now other than leave her to sort this shit out. I sigh sorrowfully and head off down the street. Watching her fade away from me in the revision mirror until she is no longer in sight.

"Fuck!"

I bash my fists on the steering wheel and run one of my hands through my sweaty hair. I can't just leave her there with Rosie. I know how strong Penny is, but I can't leave her there to face more turmoil on her own.

"Fuck!"

I also realise I can't be in the same room as Rosie
and
Penny, as that would tear her even further apart. It's a no win situation. I abruptly yank on the steering wheel and turn around toward the terrace once more. Torturing myself on whether I should go back and wait for her, or whether I should just leave like she asked me to. Even as I see the white rendered walls to the terrace up ahead, whether or not I would actually stop; I had no idea what the fuck I was going to do.

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