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“Penny?”

Maggie’s comforting and familiar tone washes into the muddled air and a sudden urge to cry again fills me entirely.

“Penny?”

She doesn’t take any notice of Evan slouched in the kerb as she rushes directly towards me engulfing me in her grasp and hugging me tightly.

“Are you okay?” Her tone is oh-so motherly, but at this point, I don’t mind. It’s comforting. I look up at her cautiously. Her reaction was enough to know what a sight I must have been - looking like I had been through a warzone most probably. Trust me, I felt like I had.

“Come on, let’s go.”

She wraps one of her arms tightly around my shoulders and leads me towards her car. I follow zombie-like, taking each step as she does, past Evan and towards her parked red hatchback. I take a quick glance toward him to notice he hasn’t moved since her arrival. His eyes are intently watching us, stalking our every move as I make my way to her car. I robotically slump into the passenger seat letting my heavy head fall weighty to the headrest.

“Penny!”

I hear Evans call from his kerbside position as he rises decisively to his feet.

“You are enough. You mean something. Everything!”

His compassionate words reach my ears and as the second time tonight I had heard those words, I couldn’t bring myself to really hear them.

Flashes begin appearing in my mind enthralled by darkness. Images of my friends, lovers and even strangers incoherently flash frame before merging into one another making them distorted and dishevelled. My body seamlessly adjusted to the edginess of the images alternating abruptly, too numb to even flinch with each and every frame.

Was I actually having a meltdown?

As my brain finally constructs a thought, I was not ready to become that girl. That woman who had suffered some kind of mental collapse. These past months I had come close, terrifying close at times, but I had gained a kind of inner strength since then. Somehow this time, I just knew I could overcome it. I wanted to. I force my eyes open squinting in the dark room allowing the blurry images before me to gradually come into focus. The room was small, basic even. A modest pine chest of draws on the far left of this room against stony grey walls. The same wooden side table with a small draw beside me and me, lying in a single bed of the same materials. Not wanting to move a muscle as I took my unfamiliar surroundings in, I begin motioning my thoughts to what may have lead me here.

Leaving Evan on the side of the road as Maggie took me into her supportive arms. Even in my disarrayed state I could feel the turmoil he conveyed in his eyes towards me. His sympathy for what he ultimately had caused and in turn, what I had become. I felt all of it. The drive with Maggie was incredibly long and silent. So starkly quiet that it instantly reminds me of Jay and how I had become comfortable with it. His intense and beautiful blue eyes looking straight into mine, trying to decipher me like I was some puzzle he had to solve. Those amazing few days I had had with him and then the incredibly painful one I had experienced only a day or so earlier. Feels like a lifetime ago, especially with everything that had transpired last night with Rosie.

I gulp.

Rosie. Rosie.

Rosie.

My mind saying her name over and over like it was on repeat, in disbelief over last night’s discovery. It is still unbelievable that it even occurred.

Was it a dream?

Of course I knew it wasn’t. Gazing around the simple, petite bedroom I was in was the proof that it had all happened and the puffiness I could feel across my eyes and cheeks were added evidence. I scramble myself up and out of the single bed and notice I am wearing a long Guns and Roses t-shirt as a nightgown. I unsteadily make my way towards the closed bedroom door and as the cool steel of the handle is underneath my sweaty palms, I hear the click as I open the door.

The sunlight bursts into the room from beyond it and I immediately squint in response as my eyes are still so tender from the previous night’s avalanche. Shielding them with my other hand, I keep my feet moving along the cool tiles into the main room of what I have realised is Maggie and Ryan’s place. The main room of their house was their dining, kitchen and family room, with three doorways leading off each side of the room. One was their bedroom, a bathroom and the spare room, which was where I obviously had spent the night. Taking in the details of their home, I had noticed the minor changes that had been made since I had been here last. It must have been at least six or so months since I had ventured to the coast to stay with them. When Evan and I were together we basically did everything with them. We were the awesome foursome, as lame as that sounds, but they were probably the happiest times of my life. I felt normal. I felt whole.

“You’re up.”

I turn toward the kitchen where Maggie is making a pot of green tea. I manage a smile toward her in reply and take up a seat on the bar stool across from her.

“Thanks for the loan,” I croak in my husky voice as I tug at the Gunners shirt I was wearing.

Maggie smiles. “You know Ryan, any excuse to get those old concert tees out,” she giggles sweetly to herself.

How could I forget!

We had all gone to so many concerts and festivals in our days together. We had so many adventures and such amazing times that I began feeling guilty for my lack of friendship with her after my relationship with Evan broke down. Despite the boys being the reason Maggs and I became friends, I should have tried harder. But I didn’t. I threw it all away.

“Look Maggs, I’m sorry about not keeping in touch. You know it was all just...” I mumble.

“Penny, you don’t have to. I understand.”

I glance up at her as she stops her routine in the kitchen and is giving me her compassionate glance from across the bench.

"This has been just as awkward for us too you know," she sniffs.

“Still, I needed to say it,” I smile tentatively.

She reaches out her hand from across the granite and rests it on my forearm. She grips me slightly. Taking a second to look at the gesture instantly reminds me of Jay. His touch always on anything but my palm. Yet before I have time to flinch at the painful memory, she has already pulled away.

"I feel like I need to explain why we didn't tell you about it Penny."

I immediately start shaking my head.

I
know
Maggie. I know
why
she didn't tell me. It would be different if it was just the two of us but Ryan and Evan are like brothers. Evan deserved to confide in his friend about what had happened; especially since his parents are living in England. His father was a professional rugby player in his day and had accepted a prestigious coaching job a few years back. They have lived there ever since. It always felt good knowing that Evan had Ryan here - he was his family. I also know Maggie’s morals and how this must have been killing her. Despite me never contemplating ending my life, I was pretty depressed. The revelation literally took everything away from me and I can imagine she was terrified that her truth could send me to that dark place. It really fills in so many blanks from the past few months especially between us girls. The three of us had a pretty tight bond. Maggie had tried to reach me over the weeks but I wouldn't speak to anyone. It also makes sense as to why Rosie hardly spoke to Maggie anymore. Everything was starting to shine bright and make way more sense than I could have imagined.

“Do you feel like talking about last night?” she queries carefully.

I shrug my shoulders automatically. “There isn’t really much else to say is there?” I sigh loudly at the words. After everything I have cried, talked and been angry more than I could possibly have imagined! Was there anymore to really discuss at this point?

“That’s up to you. I’m just letting you know, I’m here if you want to talk.”

I smile. I missed her friendship a lot. She just got me.

“I know, and thanks for coming and getting me last night. I know I probably didn’t deserve it,” I let the words escape me as I am filled with guilt over my friendship with her; adding it to the pile of emotions I was already drowning under.

“Penelope don’t be silly. The whole thing has been just as awkward for me too. We never stopped caring for you. The whole thing has been so, awful.” She pours herself her green tea out of the pot, and grabs another mug filling it to the brim.

“We have missed you,” she states as she hands me the steaming beverage. “
All
of us have missed you.”

The tone in her voice rose slightly at the definition of 'all' and I know who she is including in that statement. I roll my eyes, not really wanting to go there about
him
right now, so I press on with my usual rebuttal.

“Sending Evan to come and watch me last night? Pretty ballsy of you wouldn’t you say?” I ask her as I take a steady sip of my tea.

“Pen I had to! I couldn’t just leave you sitting out there in the street for an hour! God knows what might have happened to you in that state! He was the only person I knew who was close by that was all. I had no choice,” she reasons frantically.

“It’s okay, I’m not mad.”

She looks surprised. But it was the truth. I wasn’t mad. To be honest, it was probably the best thing being forced to get some stuff out in the open with him. Something I hadn’t done since we broke up, as I was too scared to even go there. I didn’t know if I wanted to hear the truth because I guess once I had I would have to admit that it was really over. That was something I couldn’t bear to contemplate at that point in time.

“You’re not?”

I shake my head. “No, not anymore.” I take another sip of my tea and despite still feeling like I was a wreck I had a calming presence about me this morning. It was like some dead animal had finally been exterminated, after having taken up residence inside me for so long. Having that burden lifted made myself feel lighter, steadier and more at ease than I had before. “I was surprised that I wasn’t that angry at Evan when he showed up last night. It gave us a chance to talk.”

“Really?” she asks stunned now. Seemingly she had prepared herself for this conversation going in a completely alternate direction. “Did you find that your talk has resolved some issues between you?”

“I guess...” I struggle with her question as my brain was still a mush like jelly. “I guess we will see.”

I took a long, automatic sip of my herbal tea while she continued to potter about the kitchen. My mind wanders to Evans pulsating brown eyes sorrowfully gazing deep into mine. Having the advantage of knowing him so well, that moment opened my eyes to his emotional state too. It was too obvious how much he had also been suffering like I had. Of course the past few months were from his doing, but I couldn’t help feel more betrayed by Rosie. It hurts to breathe just thinking about her.

Evans actions that ill-fated night were his fault, no question. But was he allowed to make one mistake? He obviously regretted it more than life itself. His dishevelled and sombre appearance was proof of that. But
he
was the one that told me the truth about it before proposing. He wanted to own his mistake before building our future. But Rosie? My best friend who had been with me through everything, was the one that hadn’t been so forthcoming. She had lied and been dishonest this entire time. So many opportunities she had to talk to me and tell me the truth, but she had decided to be deceitful instead. I could never forgive her for it. Ever.

Could I even trust anyone anymore?

“Penny, are you going to be okay here today?”

I shake my head slightly to dissipate my thoughts and focus on Maggie standing opposite me in the kitchen.

“Sorry what?”

“Are you going to be okay here today? I have to go to work.”

I stare un-emotively at her and reconcile her words still distracted by my mind. “Umm, yeah I will be fine.”

She eyes me unconvincingly before nodding in confirmation. “Hmm, if you are sure. Help yourself to anything and make yourself at home Penny.”

As Maggie grabs her handbag off the white dining table she heads towards me, engulfing me in her arms as I sit motionless on the stool.

“Glad you are okay."

After she lets me go I give her an acknowledging smile. She gives me a quick peck on the cheek and heads towards the front door.

“Call me if you need anything,” she calls chirpily before vanishing outside. She was gone.

I take a deep breath like I had been holding it for some time and feel a little lost.

What am I going to do all day?

I glance around Maggie and Ryan’s place and feel that I am just in the same place I have been for the past few months – only a different location. Months of wasted life and feeling sorry for myself was really quite pathetic.

Was I sad?

Yes.

Am I emotionally fragile?

Of course.

But I didn’t want to keep being a victim of my emotions anymore. I am stronger than that. I know I am. I need to find myself a new job, a place to stay, all of it. I wanted a life again and one that didn’t depend on my friends. I mean, Maggie had known all this time about Evan and didn’t tell me. I understand her reasons but how can I fully trust her?  I need to start looking after myself as I was all I had now. Looking down towards the worn Guns N Roses shirt, I pull at the frayed hem.

I really need to get my clothes from Rosie’s.

The idea itself was daunting enough. I didn’t feel ready after last night’s turmoil to face the crime scene just yet. Not right away anyway.

After taking a quick shower, I threw on a loose black maxi dress that was hanging on Maggie’s clothesline, and even blow dried my hair and borrowed some of her makeup. I wanted to start fresh and start getting myself back on track; and looking more presentable was the only place I could start.

I spent most of the day trawling through internet sites for jobs and advertisements for apartment rentals. Obviously I didn’t have the money, but I thought my parents would be happy to lend it to me until I got back on my feet. There were a couple of positions I had sent a short resume to, both were in the city and both were accounting and finance type roles. They were large corporations too which paid quite decent. Hopefully, today was a step in the right direction to getting my life back onto course - that wasn’t in the direction of disaster and pain.

Still sitting on Maggie’s laptop in her living room, I hear the faint click of the front door. I halt my typing to see Ryan stroll through, tossing his keys on the kitchen bench.