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A short taxi ride later I had managed to make my way safely back to Rosie’s terrace. As I stagger all swollen eyed towards the door, I can’t help but be reminded of my entrance only a night or two ago when I came home distressed, confused and overwhelmed by my day with Mr Musician. In my distorted vision I no sooner find myself uninterrupted and inside the terrace before halting, glancing from side to side in the lobby awaiting her fury of worry to cascade over me; her usual hurl of continual questions over observations about my emotional state. Surprisingly, I don’t see her - not even a distorted image of her. I head mindlessly towards the kitchen and flick on the lamp. The dim glow makes my sore eyes squint further as I struggle to make out even my immediate surroundings. I toss my keys, along with my purse on the tabletop before noticing my phone. I tense as I take in its presence. Wiping away my eyes and sniffing hoarsely, I pick up the phone and take a deep breath before unlocking the menu screen.

Here goes.

Shit! 4 messages!

I check the missed calls first and notice that several were indeed from Jay’s number, spaced within the last thirty minutes. The other from Rosie, who tried calling earlier today.

I really need to start remembering to take my phone with me when I go out!

Without reading the messages, I call Rosie immediately.

"Penny! Are you okay?" 

I roll my eyes at her immediate concern."Yes I’m fine, what’s up? I missed your call earlier today." I force my voice into a higher register to fake my temperament, which is much easier to do with her when she
isn't
standing in front of me.

"I wanted to let you know I won't be home for dinner, I had a late lunch with a friend, I mean, crap..." she stumbles like she dropped something before continuing, "I’m about to call past Tonys’, he asked me to pick up some paperwork for Marco."

"Okay," I shrug not having any desire to delve further into this conversation. I’ve had more than I can handle today.

"So I shouldn't be too long. How was your date today?" she hurries, changing the subject; her voice high pitched and dripping with intrigue.

"It was fine, I’m home now," I keep it short, and blunt. "I will talk to you when you get home."

"Oh, alright Penny I'll see you soon!"

She hangs up and I can’t help but sigh in relief that I avoided her probing. By the time she comes home, I should be in a more capable capacity.

I hope.

I stare at the messages icon still flashing on my screen and my hands begin to tremble nervously. Before I can even stop myself, I swipe it open and in their four-conversation-glory, they are beaming at me.

Jay:
There is so much I need to say

Jay:
Pls pick up ur phone

Jay:
Im about to leave for the airport & I need to talk to u

Jay:
Please

The messages so clearly seeking out an explanation. I can’t bear it. The thought of even having to speak to him again and risk myself falling apart is excruciating.

Why am I letting him put me into such a spin?

I hardly know him!

It’s not like I will ever see him again anyway....

As my thoughts manically deconstruct my feelings, I hear a faint knock on the door. Instantly, my heart stops beating.

Jay?

I wipe my eyes and straighten up my shirt as the faint knock raps on the door again. I gulp. Taking a large sharp breath, I slowly walk to the door trying to gather some composure and resisting every urge I have to open it.

What am I going to say?

Just don’t look at him!

Don’t let him kiss you!

Don’t even let him in!

I hear the urgent knock again as I approach, and before I can stop myself - I reach for the handle. As the door swings open I am literally winded. My breath has been knocked right from my lungs. Staring at me face to face, are those eyes. Eyes that are so familiar. So intense.

OUCH!

The faint throb that has been embedded inside for the past few months screams out in agony, as
those
eyes strike through me like a knife wielding its enemy. I move from his eyes to his brown hair falling shaggily down the sides of his face. My body stiffens as I glance towards his mouth, remembering the possession of his lips on mine. His face, where his stubble on his chin is still kept in that way, the way I used to like it. The way I
still
like it.

Oh. My. God.

It’s Evan!

I stand there utterly paralysed by the site of my former love. My one and only I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, grow old with and spend an eternity being blissfully happy with. The same man who has been absent the past few months leaving a gaping hole where he used to be.

Why is he here?

"What are you doing here?" I ask breathless, like I’d been winded in a boxing match. He smiles awkwardly.

"Penny you look..."

I immediately put my hand up signalling him to stop."Please don’t. Don’t do that." I shake my head irrationally fighting with the internal anguish as the knife in my heart twists even deeper.

"Penny, please."

His voice is warm yet a little husky. The way it sounds when he’s terrified and the same tone I remember the day we broke up; when he revealed what he had done, and ultimately, the last time I had heard from him. In this moment as I stare towards his gorgeous face - it all floods back.

"What are you doing here?"

He pauses for a few seconds still searching into my eyes. "I just
had
to see you."

Had to see me?

"It’s been three months!" I gasp in disbelief.

Why now?

Why after so long?

"I know," he starts softly. "I’ve wanted to come for a while, I just didn’t know how or when? I just didn’t know when would be a good time."

I stare at him completely flabbergasted. My mouth wide open with astonishment. I can’t believe the scene unfolding before me.  I try to gather my words to form some kind of sentence that would seem appropriate but I am so stunned beyond reality.

"Penny," he urges cautiously, with his open brown eyes bargaining with mine. The pain in my chest is overwhelming. I need to escape. But I am stuck. Still. Motionless. Frozen.

"I miss you."

WHAT?!

Please make everything stop.

My head starts to echo the pain building in my ribs and I raise my hand up to my temple to try to stifle it. I raise my other hand in front of me again, signalling him not to continue.
Begging
him not to. "Please."

He slowly takes a step towards me as he moves his body wholly into the doorway. I automatically cower at his subtle movement and know anything remotely closer, would tip me over the edge into an abyss.

"Penny, I need you."

Those four little words have an instant effect on me and before I can even try to stop them, water pours insistently down my cheeks. The heightened emotions. The pound in my head. The blaring of my chest. I can’t take anything else!

PLEASE JUST MAKE IT ALL STOP!

"Evan..."

Saying his name out loud for the first time in months sends even more streams of water down my already numb skin. "Don’t. Please. I. Beg."

"I need to talk to you about something. About what happened," he pleads, but I interrupt him immediately.

"No."

His eyes flatten miserably. Perhaps my meltdown has reminded him of that moment too. The moment our picture perfect vacation was devastated as he confessed to his affair. The breakdown of our relationship all laid bare and scattered before us into a million heart-breaking pieces. My body seems to soften as I feel him lean away, taking a step backwards onto the porch and into the darkness outside, but it hasn't deterred my anguish.

"Penny, please?" he bargains one last time, a tender sob escaping his trembling lips.

Knowing I can no longer face him - I close the door. Not giving him another chance to plead. I drop my pounding head against the timber allowing my tears to rush urgently down my face without judgement. Not even knowing if he was still standing there in utter devastation - I just couldn’t stop. The avalanche cascading out of my sore eyes was relentless and my sobs were loud and incoherent. I just let it all escape. The same way I had done so many times before when I had shut myself off from the harsh outside world. I couldn't deal with it anymore.

What feels like only mere moments later I hear another knock on the door. I’m not sure how much time has passed as all I can do is mourn. Mourn the loss all over again. I hear another firm rap; this time much louder. The surprise halts my distorted cries but I fear it's only temporary. I am falling backwards without a ledge to grab on to. Not wanting to be face to face to him again, I stare in silent shock at the stained timber before me; ultimately the only thing that is separating me from his eyes.

"Please Evan. I can’t do this," I plead hoarsely through the closed door. "Please just go away!" I shout hysterically.

"Penelope?”

My heart stops. The voice doesn’t belong to Evan. It’s the same American accent in the monotone I had spent the day with. The guy whose very touch sends me into complete disarray.

“Penelope. It’s Jay."

I don’t reply. The merciless pain in my head thumps harder than I would have thought possible. It’s reaching an inevitable climax to what my body can take. I can’t speak. I can’t move.

"Are you alright?" his rising voice questions through the door.

I am still silent; bravely trying to deal with the hurt that is punishing me. I'm numb.

"Open the door!"

Without thinking my hands automatically turn the handle. As I come face to face with those piercing blue eyes they slice right through me; shattering my tortured soul into two equal pieces. The thickening air crashes into me causing the climax in my head to explode, sending agony through every inch of my body. I feel woozy. I am drifting. Before suddenly, everything turns black. Everything is quiet.

------------------------

The area surrounding me is dark, bleak and cold. Very cold. The chill in the air sends familiar tingles up my spine and back down again, in a slow aching rhythm, over and over. My head feels swollen, like I’ve survived a fight with an unrelenting opponent. My stomach is churning. The sickening taste in my throat is evidence that I have either thrown up, or am about to.

The room is still black.

The chilliness in the air singing methodically to the ripples throughout my body begin to pick up its pace; swiftly pacing up and down with much more eagerness. The cold I’m feeling centres on my forearm forming an icy scold on my skin.

I am quiet. I am stationary. I’m in the dark.

Am I dead?

"Penny...."

"Penny. Wake up."

I feel some other cool pressure rest on my forehead. It's damp and wet. It stings against my bruised head, a throbbing reminder of the battle I just endured. The air around me becomes more dense every second, making it harder to breathe and to be so still.

"Penny, are you alright?"

"Penny."

The voice is familiar and oh so motherly.

As I continue opening my eyes, I see Rosie hovering over me. Her brow is furrowed and her eyes look drained. As the space fully lightens around me I realise I am in the lounge room of Rosie’s terrace, lying on the sofa.

"Rosie," a raspy, low voice barely murmurs; which I think belongs to me.

"Oh God Penny are you okay?"

"I.... I.... I don’t know."

I raise my numb hand to my forehead where I felt the wetness on my skin. I spread my fingers out to notice it’s a dampened washcloth which I automatically scrunch up and toss on the floor. The charged sensation still evident on my other arm hasn’t wavered. I slowly shift my vision towards it when I notice a pale sculpted hand gripped tightly around my wrist. I gasp. I drift my eyes all the way up the lean arm to the masculine body, and find those piercing eyes staring, with anguish, in my direction.

Jay.

I manage a half smile to acknowledge his presence; his protective grasp squeezes gently as if replying without words.

"Penny."

Rosie’s concerned voice scatters from behind me. I blink my eyes a few times to break my hold on him and struggle to sit upright. As I manage to gain my bearings I notice Jay kneeled beside my now firmly placed feet on the floor and his eyes, which never leave mine are
emotional.
They are open and gloriously beautiful.

"Penelope."

Again, I faintly hear Rosie's concerned tone as she moves urgently to stand before me; immediately cutting my locked focus on him.

"Are you alright?"

I nod my head subtly. "I, I think so. What happened?"

"Penny, don’t you remember? You fainted!"

Fainted?

"What?" I ask, gasping at the same time. I don’t think I've ever fainted before. Ever. The heart-rending images flash frame in my already clouded mind. Images of the familiarity of his brooding brown eyes, to the intensity of blue ones, to the pain and the anguish - all of it completely inundates me, resulting in my body shuddering unconsciously.

"You don’t remember?" she asks with over the top anxiousness.

"No..." I trail, still trying to discard the painful memories that taunt me.

“Penny, was Evan here? Did he come to see you?”

“I don't know. Yes....” I swallow heavily as his meaningful eyes fill me wholly. Not wanting to relive it all over again, I look away from her probing gaze as I take focus on the timber floor.

“Well what did he say? Did he say anything?” She lowers herself down toward my eye level, firmly placing her hands on my shoulders so I had no choice but to look at her.

“I don’t know Rose. Not really no,” I sob as the words escape me. I’m still far too fragile to talk about him and what happened, especially with Jay sitting beside me. I can't even bring myself to look at him after everything that has happened. Who knows what he must think of me, and what situation he has walked into.

“But Penny, did he....”

“She said she isn’t sure!”

I gulp as Jay’s angered tone shrills through the air and cuts off Rosie’s probing in an instant. I peek up timidly as she immediately leans back in defence, and I think, in surprise at his minor outburst.

"Of course. Sorry Penny,” she replies to him before returning her attention back to me. “Oh you scared me half to death!"

She drops and engulfs her caring arms around me, squeezing me securely to emphasise her concern and at the same time, relief. I feel Jay's touch leave my forearm as he stands over me. My eyes search for him automatically, a slight panic gripping me as I already miss his protective hold.

"Are you sure you’re alright?" Rosie asks again, her gaze glassy from the tears welling in her eyes and I can't help but feel guilty over the sight of her. I just don't understand how she has put up with me all of this time when I keep hurting her. The last thing I want to keep doing is putting my friend through so much anguish. It honestly just kills me.

"Rose I’m fine," I reply, forcing a tiny smile.

She grins in reply, wiping her nose with the back of her hand as she stands. "Well I am going to make some soup, I’m feeling a little light headed after all of this drama."

I giggle inside. It was always her way of dealing with emotional situations. People like Maggs put on a pot of herbal tea, but in Rosie’s large Italian family - it was a banquet. She adjusts her white button shirt uncomfortably as she straightens herself up next to
him
, before adding, "Do you want me to make you some Penny?"

"Sure," I reply animated, hopefully setting her at ease.

"Ah, Jay. Are you staying?" she asks uneven, shifting her wide eyes over his physique with not-so-subtle allure. Although I couldn’t blame her for looking at him that way, as he
was
freaking gorgeous; I couldn’t deny that it bothered me a little.

Will he stay?

For some reason I find myself holding my breath as I begin contemplating what it would feel like if he didn’t. As I take in his intense gaze and let it utterly consume me, I am desperate to hear that he wants to. That he can’t bear to be without me. That he needs to be with me. That he wants to help fill this depressing void that has died inside of me. I let my heart thump loudly as I wait impatiently and allowing the feelings for him to flourish in amongst complete turmoil.

"No thank you. I have a flight to board shortly."

His words are blunt and unemotional, instantly dashing my hopes into an oblivion.

"I can’t stay."

My wound tears painfully. Rosie doesn't press further and immediately leaves the room. As soon as we are alone, the already profuse air becomes unbearable. I can feel its force almost squishing my head in its fierceness as he gazes down at me from above, allowing his eyes to blaze into mine. He gracefully takes the seat beside me where Rosie had sat only moments before. There is barely any space between us and the coolness of his skin is radiating onto my flushed body - sending the usual messages to it with candid familiarity.

"Penelope, you scared me," he caresses smoothly.

"Sc-scared you?"

"When I opened the door you fainted in my arms."

There’s a real sadness to the way his words cascade into my ears. A real sorrow.