Cursed Fate: Cursed Series #4 (5 page)

Should I stay, or should I go?

I never thought this would be an option; leaving Cleveland was it for me. Going back was never something I thought I’d be contemplating, especially as my place of rescue.

Leaving all those years ago was of my own choice. My parents begged me to stay, but I thought I could give it the old college try and make it on my own, away from everyone I knew and loved. Being accepted to a college so far from home was an adventure, it was exciting for me. I was determined to succeed, even when others thought I would fail. Friends and family tried to be supportive, when all I wanted was to prove them wrong.

Classes were a breeze and I found a new passion that I never knew I was capable of achieving. Art was a form of expression that allowed me to share my inner thoughts without saying a word. All I needed was a pencil and paper, and before I knew it a beautiful creation was sitting in front of me. I was able to capture objects in a way that no one else saw. I had a gift and I wanted to explore it as much as I could.

Moving into the dorms, I found life was very different than that of the sheltered life I lived with Mom and Dad. I was able to come and go as I pleased, stay out late, and party it up until dawn. I fell in love with a freedom I never knew existed. Before the end of freshman year, I found myself spending all my time with someone that made me feel things I never experienced.

He was a few years older; he was smart, funny and driven. He introduced me to a life that led me to where I am right now. Our first few dates were nothing unusual, dinner and a movie, a walk through the campus, or a quiet night just the two of us. Before long, my heart found a place to crash…
him
.

After a few weeks, he took me to a place I never expected. I didn’t know what to anticipate at first; all I knew was that he wanted to show me where he worked. When I walked in the back doors, my heart was racing. Anticipation and anxiety was coursing through my veins every step of the way as he led me through the dark hallway. As he flipped on the lights, my jaw dropped to the floor. Never in my wildest dreams would I think he worked in a tattoo parlor.

He took me into the room where he was inspired and created works of art. The walls were filled with his talent, drawings he created and marked on the blank canvases of his clients. I was in awe of him and falling harder in love with a man that wanted to share his world with me. He told me the story of how he found the shop, became close with the owner, Cricket, and started working there shortly after high school.

The ink that ran up and down his arms was always mesmerizing to me; I just didn’t realize that he, himself, was an artist of such beauty.

Continuing to stare down at my arm, I touch the spot where my first tattoo, our initials AL & SZ, were marked into my skin by him.

He was truly the love of my life, the first man that stole my heart or so I thought. He showed me a world of art that I didn’t know was possible. The very first time I held an ink machine in my hand, he helped to guide me with each trace of the needle over the stenciled drawing. I felt at ease through the vibrations of the machine, I was one with my art and the skin I was marking.

After a while, I started to skip my classes wanting to sit at the shop and watch the artists at work. When Cricket asked me if I want to give it a go on my own I was shocked. This was something I never saw coming, yet, they all saw potential in my craft. With anxiety and fear, I accepted his request and started to become a fearless lady. Men and woman came into the shop wanting something special etched onto their bodies and I was able to do that for them…it was a dream come true.

I never knew I could feel so at peace…until it all came to an end. A few months after that first tattoo was etched into my skin, he and I parted ways.

Not because we fell out love with each other, no it was much more. I found out he was falling in love with my best friend Jenn...or so I thought. Honestly, I didn’t see it coming. He was so good to me, to us. We became a vicious love triangle that was inseparable. When I couldn’t bear to watch the way he’d look at her when she was near, I needed to come clean. Telling him what I was seeing with my own two eyes was one of the hardest things I had ever done. He, of course, denied it, said it wasn’t true, but I couldn’t live feeling the way I did when the three of us were together. I loved him with every fiber of my being; I just couldn’t give him what I assumed she could.

After a long night of talking amongst the three of us, I decided to leave.

I didn’t see him again after that night.

Then…years later, he walked into Duke’s with a few of his friends. Seeing him again was like a dream. Nothing about his appearance had changed over the years; he was still a vision to me.

I didn’t know what to think, do, or say. It had been so long, that I figured he would have forgotten me. I tried so hard to distance myself from him. I avoided everywhere we had ever gone, moved to the other side of town, and blocked his number from my phone.  I knew I’d always love him for the things he taught me. The skills and talent of my art will never fade. I know deep down I am a true artist with a skill that one day will be etched on the skin of others.

It’s crazy how life comes around full circle, everything does indeed happen for a reason. Even if we don’t know the reason at the time, it hits us when we least expect. Little did I know that same shop he worked in would become my second home years later. I knew that tattoo parlor was something special, but never expected Cursed Magic and Steve to become a part of my life once again.

Now here I sit, in that same apartment I moved into all those years ago, looking at the ink he and I created on my skin.

A single tear falls from my eye and I’m not certain if it’s for me or the fact that I know I love Steve more than I could ever love another man. In more ways than one, I thought he was it for me…psh, how wrong I was, once again.

Maybe I’ll never find a true love.

Maybe I’ll always be alone.

Maybe I need to realize that I’m all I’ll ever really need.

I have a choice to make and a bus ticket in my hand. No matter how much I want to stay and make things right, I just don’t know if it’s worth the hurt I feel when I’m with him.

After leaving him in the shop last night, I prayed for the strength to feel less…to feel nothing for the man I want in my life…to feel strong enough to walk away with my head held high.

No luck, he’s all I’ve ever wanted yet the one thing I know I’ll never be able to fix.

How pathetic am I? I mean really…I’m a twenty-six year old college drop out that knows how to create masterpieces of art, but too afraid to step off the ledge and just do it.

All my life I’ve stood in the shadows of others in hopes that one day someone would catch me in the act and will me to break out of my shell. I’m a mess of a woman that lacks the confidence in my own talent. If any of the other Cursed Crew guys knew what I’m capable of I’m afraid that they’ll…oh hell, I don’t even know what they’ll think.

Looking down at my arms, I touch my colorful skin with my fingertips. The skeletal design, the intricate rose petals and the letters to the one word that always could pick me up when I would fall… I-N-S-P-I-R-E. All of this art was done by a woman that now is too afraid to stand up for what she’s always believed…
me
.

“Ugh!” I shout to no one but myself.

Standing from my bed I move out of my room and toward the kitchen. I feel restless, unsure of what I should do. I need something, someone to tell me what to do. Where the fuck is the goddamn crystal ball when a girl needs it the most?

I’m full of nervous energy, yet I’m exhausted from lack of sleep. If I’m going to take a long ass bus ride later this morning, I need to keep my ass awake. Opening the fridge, I pull out my last can of Red Bull. Hopefully this will give me a bit of an edge until I can get something more at the bus terminal.

Turning around I hear the sound of my phone chirping from the bedroom. Slamming the can down, I rush down the hallway to find the ring has stopped. With a sigh of frustration, I reach for my phone and unlock the screen to see it was a missed call from Etty.

Damn, I knew I was forgetting to do something. I need to tell her I’m really doing it, I’m leaving Birmingham for good.

Uncertainty sits hard in the pit of my stomach as I debate whether or not to call her back. I know that if I tell her my plans, she’ll talk me out of it. This is my decision; no one should tell me what is right or wrong. It’s my life and my choice to make.

Walking through my room, I stop in front of my standing mirror.

With my one hand on my hip, I stare back at my reflection. My pink hair is all out of sorts, my hazel eyes rimmed in red with large black bags hanging beneath them. He’s done this to me, made me feel worthless and insignificant. All I ever wanted to do was save him, help him see what kind of man he really was, and love him like he deserved. He just didn’t want me enough to let me in and be there when he needed me the most.

Unable to bear my own appearance, I move back out to the kitchen and grab my can of energy. Popping the top, I take a small sip and look back down at my phone.

I know I need to call Etty; she deserves that much from me.

Pulling up her number, I hit the send button.

“Hey, girlie,” she says in a chipper tone.

“Hey,” I reply with little emotion.

“So I heard through the grapevine what happened last night and just wanted to check in on you.”

“Wow, shitty news travels fast.”

“Aww, girl, I’m so sorry. Want me to come over and veg out with ya?”

“No, it’s okay. I was actually getting ready to leave.”

“Leave? Where the hell are ya going?”

“Etty, don’t give me shit. I’m leaving town and, to be honest, I’m not coming back.”

“Fuck that shit, Ashley! Don’t move! I’m on my way over!” She yells and disconnects the call.

Standing in my kitchen like an idiot, I stare down at my phone. Damn it to hell, I knew she’d try to talk me out of leaving. I just didn’t expect that she’d drop everything and come here.

Chapter 5

Tossing my phone into my purse, I grab my keys and run out the door.

What the hell is Ashley thinking? She can’t leave town. She can’t leave us now, too. Life has changed so much in the past few months; it’s hard to believe any of it is real. All of our worlds were turned upside down after the night of the accident. 

Hearing those words come out of Christian’s mouth were my undoing. Never could I have imagined that the pain would only get worse. Once everyone was released from the hospital, the crew slowly started to part ways. Linc lost the will to rehabilitate the use of his arm, Steve went into hiding—blaming himself for everything, and Cliff found himself a few women to mask his pain. As for Jo, Ashley and I…well, we were all there for each other as much as we could be, but the hurt we all felt wouldn’t go away. The men we loved were coming apart at the seams and there was nothing we could do to save them.

Too often I’ve woken up in a cold sweat, alone, and crying for the life I once knew.

With Dault gone, Steve and himself unable to work, and Cliff out and about, Linc had no choice but to close the doors of Cursed Magic. Watching all of his hard work, his dreams, and seeing him go through the worst days of his life was too much for me to bear.

The men in my life were moving on and the women attached to them were either following or leading into another direction.

I, too, started to hide, keeping to myself. Being alone in the house only made things worse. I needed something to keep my mind busy and not dwell on the things I could no longer control. Jo was gone and Ashley was battling her own demons with Steve. I felt the need to get out and find something more for me to do…I needed a job. Without much skill, my options were limited. After looking around forever, I started picking up a few shifts at the local diner for some extra cash and to make the time go by fast…although all it did was remind me of
us
.

I felt lost, without a reason to stay here, yet I didn’t know where else to go. Everywhere I went, I saw a memory of a time with Dault. Whether it was working at the diner, driving through the streets of Birmingham, or seeing the flowers along the park…everything screamed
us
. After a few weeks, I tried to find new ways to get to work, ask for a different section of the diner to work, and avoid any sort of floral arrangement. Nothing I did would remove him from my mind; I’d miss him then as much as I miss him now.

I had never felt so alone; the independent woman I strived to be was beginning to crumble. I needed someone to turn to, someone that felt the pain I was going through, someone that knew me. As ironic as it may seem, the one person I should’ve stayed away from was the one that was once again by my side. At first it was revolting to look him in the eye. He reminded me too much of that night outside the ER and the days that lead up to the fall of Cursed Magic.

Christian may have been a thorn in my side; I realize now more than ever, I need him as much as he needs me. He’s always knew how to make me smile, get the point across to me, and lift my spirits when they were down.