Cruise Control (Watchers Crew) (16 page)

As soon as the door closed behind us, he pulled me into his arms. It felt amazingly good, like coming home. Not the home I’d just come from at my mother’s. Not the home I’d made my dorm room into.
 

My body reacted to Owl like I was a part of him. He knew me so well after such a short time period. A large part of his intuition about me was because he paid attention to me. While he made love to me, his eyes were always wide open watching my reactions. But for someone who could read me so well, how could he not understand what his actions the other day would do to me?

“I just need to hold you for a minute,” he whispered into my ear. “Where did you go? I couldn’t find you. I was going out of my mind.”

My fingers curled into his shoulder blades. I closed my eyes and buried my face in that special place for me in his chest. “I went home. To my mother’s house,” I clarified.

“Fuck,” he held me tighter to him. “I don’t even know where that is.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot we don’t know about each other.”

Owl pulled away, but didn’t let me go. He stared into my face. His eyes roamed over my mouth, my cheeks, my eyes, all the way up to my hairline. “I want to change that, Kira. I’m not ready to lose you. I want this to work between us. We can have a closed relationship if that’s what it’ll take. No fucking, no touching, anybody else.”

My eyes took the same journey over the topography of his face. I searched his eyes for sincerity, his mouth for the truth, his cheeks for any blush of falsehood. But by the time I got to his hairline, I still wasn’t sure. “Is that what you want?”

“I want you.” He placed his lips on mine, softly, lightly, reverently.

My body instantly responded to him. It was like I’d been the dead walking for the past twenty-four hours, but I came alive in this moment just for him.

I pulled away. That was what I wanted, wasn’t it? I should’ve felt certain, but I didn’t.

“Kira?”

“It’s me,” I confessed. “It’s not you.”

“Baby, I don’t understand.”

Ellie was right. It had nothing to do with the sex. It was my insecurities that he would one day change his mind and leave me any way. I was so terrified of being alone that I didn’t know how to actually be with someone.

“I can’t,” I said. “I can’t do that to you. I can’t do that to me. It’s not what I need.”

“Tell me what you need, Kira, and I’ll give it to you.”

I shook my head. “You can’t. If we get back together this is just going to happen again because there are things I need to work on.”
 

Owl reached for my hands and I gave them to him. “Let me help you.”

I placed my hand on his heart and felt it beat strongly under my palm. “I rely too much on you for validation, Owl. I rely on you to tell me how to come, when to come.”

“We don’t have to do that any more.”

“But I would still have to find my own voice, learn to hear my own desires. I gave you so much power over me because I didn’t take it for myself. I need to be enough for me. I need to learn to please myself, to be by myself before I can be with anyone else. Otherwise we’ll come right back to this point over and over again.”

I watched the wheels turn in those dark eyes. I watched him search for a way through that could include him. I knew he arrived at the same conclusion as I did when he sighed and looked down at our entwined hands. The hurt look on his face almost made me change my mind.

He took a deep breath and let it out. “What do you need from me, Kira?”

I took a deep breath and nearly choked on the words I knew needed to be said. “I need you to give me some space.”

Owl put his forehead against mine, pressing our temples together. His fingertips dug into my sides. He shook his head from left to right. Then he took a deep breath and sighed again. He pulled away from me with great reluctance. His jaw was tense, but it relaxed as he opened it.

“I love you.” The words were whispered on a choked breath. Owl let out a huff of breath and said those three little words again, firmer this time.
 

My heart went into attack mode. It banged against my chest to get me back into his arms, but Owl held up his hands as though he knew what those words were doing to me.

“I’m not saying that to try and win you back. Though you should be warned that I am going to try and win you back,” he grinned. “I’m telling you this because I always tell you the truth, and you’d probably figure it out eventually.”

He’d finally gotten something wrong about me. I would have never believed in a million years that he loved me. I couldn’t have. Not in the state I’d lived most of my life in.

“I’m going to give you your space,” he said. “But I’m probably gonna fuck up from time to time because… because I know that I want to be with you, and everything in me is telling me to stay and fight for you. But that’s not going to work, is it?”

I shook my head no. I was shell-shocked that what I was pushing away from me was exactly what I would’ve killed for. It’s what I snuck around and hacked phones and manipulated GPS’s and blew guys for.

Owl wanted to stick around.

Owl wanted to fight for me.

Owl loved me.

And I was pushing him away.

He reached out his hand. He cupped my chin and rubbed my bottom lip. I leaned into his touch. I grabbed his wrist and held him there. He brushed his lips lightly against mine, and then he was gone.

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Hey, Kira.”

I looked up from my packing box. “Hey, Ellie. What are you doing here?”

Ellie stood in the open doorway of my dorm room. Well, my former dorm room. It was dorm move out day tomorrow. It had been a week since I’d broken up with Owl in an attempt to find myself.

He’d kept his word, for the most part. He hadn’t stopped by. He hadn’t called. But he had sent a few texts just to check in and make sure I was okay.

I hated to admit that I looked forward to those texts. I hadn’t deleted a single one of them. I spent many nights in my bed by myself just looking at them, my finger hovering over the Talk button. The fact that I’d never once hit the Talk button this week was my only claim at progress in my great Self Improvement work.

Though, honestly, I wasn’t exactly sure how I was supposed to go about strengthening myself into the independent, self-assured woman I wanted to be.

I had no interest in dating other guys. We’d come to the end of the school year, so I didn’t have my studies to wrap myself up in. I had however landed a great summer job at the urban planning firm that I’d been part-timing for. I hoped that would keep me busy. But other than watching Oprah and Iyanla reruns, I didn’t know what else to do with myself.

One thing that had changed? When I came home at night to an empty bed, I didn’t lie down and fear the long night ahead. Every night since breaking up with Owl, I’d laid myself down along with the setting sun and I touched myself.

It took a couple of nights but I could bring myself to stronger and stronger orgasms. Only single orgasms, but they were satisfying enough to put me into a peaceful sleep where I’d dream about a dark-haired man with almond-shaped eyes.

Ellie stepped into the mess of flat cardboard and tape that was my former dorm room. “I came by to check in on you before summer starts. Since I’ve graduated, I won’t be around campus any more. I wanted to see you before you went home for the summer.”

“I’m not headed back home. I’m renting a one bedroom in the market district.”

Her face brightened at the news. “So, you’ll be here for the summer? Awesome! We can hang out.”

I inhaled, bunching my shoulders and clutching my hands under my chin. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Just because you and Owl broke up doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. The guys included. Crow and Eagle were just asking about you the other day.”

Just the mention of Crow and Eagle made both my stomach and my clit grumble. “I don’t know, sis?”

“You’re not alone, Shakira. I know Owl is trying to give you the space you need, but there doesn’t need to be space in our friendship, does there?”

I pulled my lower lip into my mouth. “I guess not. Maybe you can come over after I move in. It’s going to take me forever to move these boxes.”

“The guys will do that for you.”

“I couldn’t ask them to.”

Ellie whipped out her phone and began texting. Not five seconds after she hit Send did her phone chime a response. “Eagle and Crow can be over here tonight. I’m sorry I can’t stick around to help. Hawk and I are going away for the weekend. It’s our first weekend alone together.”

“Wow, that sounds awesome, sis.”

Ellie nodded, her eyes going faraway into the future for her weekend alone with Hawk. My weekend would be spent alone, setting up an apartment that I would live in alone. The thing about self-improvement? There was just so much ‘self’ in it. Maybe I was too hasty to turn away from Owl’s offer to do this with me?
 

Take Ellie for example. She moved straight from her parents’ house, to the college dorm, to her boyfriend’s bed. She’d never taken a break to find herself and she seemed to be doing just fine.
 

But, that was her path. This was mine. Looking around my room I could admit to myself that I could use some help. Especially with the furniture that would be delivered later on tonight.

“I’ve gotta get going.” Ellie headed towards the door.

“Hey, Ellie?”

“Yeah?” She turned back to me.

I walked over to her, reached out my arms, and gave her an awkward hug that progressively became warmer. “Thanks, sis.”

Ellie pulled away with a smile. “That’s what friends are for, Shakira.”

Later that evening, I found myself inside another warm embrace.

“Kira, I missed you.” Crow swooped me up into a bear hug. “Just cause Owl’s a dick doesn’t mean you get to write us all off.”

“Owl’s not a dick,” I said. He wasn’t. He’d told me exactly what he wanted and never wavered. He’d kept his word every step of the way. “I needed some time to work things out for myself.”

“Well, I hope you figured it out,” said Eagle as he filled the doorway of my old dorm room. “Cuz the dick insisted on coming with us.”

I looked down the hall to see Owl lingering in the stairwell.

“Is it cool?” Eagle asked me. His body maneuvered to block my view of Owl, as though with one word from me and he’d escort Owl out of the building.

Eagle’s gesture shocked me. I had assumed Owl, as his boy, would be a higher priority than me, someone he barely knew, and my needs. I looked over Eagle’s shoulder.

Owl hung back making no attempt to advance. His eyes caught mine and held, doing that drinking me up glance he’d done the last time we were together. He may have insisted on coming, but he clearly wasn’t trying to pressure me into anything I didn’t want to do. He’d never tried to pressure me into anything I didn’t want to do. None of these people had.

I rubbed Eagle on his bicep. “It’s fine,” I assured him. “The boxes are inside if you want to start loading them up.”

Eagle placed a kiss on my brow and headed inside behind Crow. I turned back to Owl who still stood down the hallway.

“Hey,” he called, not making a move towards me.

“Hey,” I said. My eyes were now fastened on him, drinking him in. He wore faded jeans and a t-shirt. He’d come ready to work, ready to help me make my move. But he hung back prepared to get lost if I turned him away.

“Come here,” I said.

Owl made his way towards me. I watched his powerful body move lithely. I had to swallow to keep down my desire to run and leap into his arms. That wouldn’t be a very independent thing to do.

“I changed my mind,” he said when he got to me. “I know you need your space, and I’m willing to give that to you. But it shouldn’t mean I can’t be in your life. Not as your boyfriend or your lover. But as something, Kira. Your friend maybe? You don’t have to be alone as you figure these things out. You’re important to me. I don’t want our entire relationship to end because of sexual issues. If after you have your reflection time, you take stock and believe that I’m of no value to you-"

“I’ve taken stock,” I said. “You’ve always gone out of your way to earn my trust. You’ve always been honest with me. And you’ve always shown me respect. You’re of great value to me, Owl.”

He smiled, but he made no move to close the distance between us. Eagle came out of the door and between us with boxes in hand.

“If the
After School Special
is over,” said Eagle to Owl, “we could use a hand.”

Owl grinned at me over top of the boxes. Once Eagle cleared the door, he went inside and loaded up on boxes alongside Crow. They wouldn’t let me carry any loads. They asked what needed to go and where, and they took care of the rest.

Chapter Twenty-Three

“The picture’s askew,” I told Crow. “Move it a little to the left.”

We were standing in the living room of my new apartment. All the boxes were inside. All the furniture unloaded and put together.

“Here, I’ll get it.” Owl took the frame out of Crow’s hand and aligned it perfectly on the first try.

“We brought you a lasagna,” said Crow. He pulled a dish out of his bag.

“You didn’t have to do that,” I said.

“I was raised with manners. Someone moves into a new home, you bring a housewarming gift.” Crow went over to the fridge and popped it on one of the empty shelves.

“We’re having a party in a couple nights,” said Eagle. “We’d love to see you there.”

I turned my head away from Owl’s view as I contemplated the invitation. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that?”

“Well, we can always have a private party.” Crow came up and wrapped his arms around me. “You shouldn’t deny yourself, Kira. Or us. I miss those pretty, Hershey Kisses.”

Crow nuzzled the side of my neck. It was a good thing he’d wrapped his arms around my waist because my knees buckled on impact. Crow licked the side of my neck as his hand snaked under my shirt. I closed my eyes and let my head roll back into his shoulder.

“Can I have taste, Kira?”

I opened my eyes to Eagle’s voice. But my vision slid past Eagle’s large frame and landed on Owl.