Cross My Heart (37 page)

He laughs
softly,
cheeks reddening
in the darkness
. “I’m not admitting anything.”

I lean
in
to him
, eyes narrow
ing
. “You wanted so badly to hate my guts, and you can’t do it. I think it’s awesome.”

“I didn
’
t want to
hate
you.
I just didn
’
t want to
like
you,
”
he clarifies.
He
glances at my lips, then studies me quietly. A
nd h
is eyes, they’re full of something
. S
omething I haven’t seen before. A wanting. A longing. A craving.
And he
’
s right there
. S
o close I can feel the heat
of
his body.

My stomach tumbles to my knees, heart fluttering.
And
it
’
s happening
. That moment. That pull betwee
n us, drawing me in
.
Only this time
I can
’
t find anything to hold me back;
there
’
s nothing
stop
ping
me.
“
There
’
s a difference?”
I ask, inching closer.

“
Like you wouldn
’
t believe,”
he whispers, his breath warm on my lips.

I close the space between us,
touch
ing
his skin
, kissing him softly
on the cheek
, just
to
the corner of his mouth.
He slides his fingers through my hair, turning into me, and our lips
connect, sending jolts of electricity coursing through my veins.
I let out a quick gasp of air, knowing we
’ve
crossed that invisible line
,
jumped off a cliff
we
can never re-climb. This changes
everything
.

His lips move hungrily across my cheek, grazing my jaw line, kissing
the
curve of my ear.

My fingers curl around his leather jacket, and
in a moment of impulsive want
I push him back, straddling his l
ap as the bean
bag chair rustles beneath us. Parker
’
s hand slips beneath my tank top
,
pressing into the smal
l of my back, pulling me
into him. His body is warm, and I run my fingers over his muscular chest, around
his neck, through his hair,
as
our mouths crush together.

His hand slides the strap to my tank top aside,
and he moves his lips, kissing
my shoulder. My heart does a nervous flip, accelerating, rendering me breathless. The entire world goes
weightless, his arms
wrapping protectively around me
as I face this irrational and crazed longing to keep him close to me forever. Because there is no one else. There is nothing. There is no Harvard.
No Blake. No Ethan or Mattie or parents. There’s only Parker . . . and me.
A wave of satisfaction washes over me. And suddenly
my world is dizzy with promise
,
with
the only dream that matters: us.

I snap away from him.
Tugging
against his leather jacket.
Fumbling.
He
works to shrug it away, pulling his arms through the sleeves. He lifts us upright, and I wrap my legs around his waist, pressed tight
against his body as he moves me
back
ward
, lowering us both to my comforter
crumpled on
the attic floor. A surge of heat rushes through me, and I
’
m swallowed in darkness. 

He pauses, lips inches away, and I
’
m aching for them, because I
’
ve never wanted something—someone—so badly.
And t
here’s
only
one thing I can hear above the heavy rush of my breaths and pounding heart: the little voice in my head, telling me somethi
ng I’ve known for quite a while
but couldn’t admit to myself:
I am
unequivocally, madly
, desperately in love—
I’ve
completely
fallen for Parker Whalen, the strong, silent, rebel who seems to know me inside and out.

His liquid black eyes reach me, assessing mine, and I
suck
in a quick burst of air,
breathing in the smell of leather and traces of sweet cologne mixed with night air: an intoxicating mix that is, somehow, Parker.

“
I think . . . I might . . . ,
”
I try to speak, my thoughts tangled in a thorny web of emotions.

A flush crawls ac
ross my neck, my heart unsteady
as he moves in slowly, face bending to mine. My eyes close, and his lips
brush
my lips
with warm kisses
, moving slowly, fingers sliding my hair away from my face
, caressing my skin, leaving it tingling in his wake.

My hand slides beneath his white t-shirt, feeling the smooth skin of his
muscular
back
.
I pull it, tugging. He grabs the collar and slips it over his head
,
the thin cotton stretching
.

And there, i
n the moonlight, its pale incandescence falling across his toned abs, bruises in one stage of healing or another. Clear, even in the darkness. Some nearly faded, others fresh. New. They spread across his stomach and his chest
and arms
as secrets hidden, silent
,
each with its own nauseating history.

“Oh my God,” I choke,
working to pull myself up, heart pumping faster.
“Parker,” I whisper. “What
happened
to you?”

His eyes fix on mine, and he swallows hard.
“
Jade . . .
I
’
m not . . . ,
”
he trails off, running his hands over his face. When I see him again his
expression
is stone, eyes conflicted
,
haunted.
“
I can
’
t.
”
He
backs
away from me, reaching for his t-shirt, standing as he pulls it on.
“
It
’
s nothing,
”
he says.
“
Don
’
t worry about it.
”
I feel a sp
ike of panic at his chilly tone, words like ice curving along my skin.

“You have to tell me what happened,” I beg, choking as I struggle to find my feet
,
legs shaking beneath me, my head light.

He’s already zipping his jacket, but he can’t take it back; he can’t hide. Not from me.

“
Parker,
”
I hiss.

He lifts the window sash
.

“We can’t do this
,
” he says.

“Did your dad do it?” I ask
,
movi
ng in front of him
,
blocking his path to the
exit. “Did thi
s happen today? Because of me?”

Parker scoffs
, eyes narrowing
. “Damn it, Jaden. Don’t give yourself that much credit. Not everything is about you. The scho
ol, this
town, the
entire
fucking
worl
d
. T
his might come as a shock, but the universe doesn’t revolve around
you
.”

“That’s why you want to
get away, isn’t it?” I confirm
, ignoring h
im. “He hurts
you.”

He laughs
curtly
, sha
k
ing
his head.
“
It’s not what you think.”

“It’s not funny! You have to tell someone!”

“Are you
even
listening
to me
?” he asks
, glaring at me,
h
is obsidian eyes
cold. Dark
and hollow
. Like before.

He can deny it all he wants, but I know what I saw, and there’s no way—all those bruises? There’s no way those are all accidents.
“Parker . . . this is a
big
deal! He ca
n’t do that to you!” I struggle
to keep my voice low
, knees trembling
.

“I
have to go.
I shouldn’t be here
.
None of this
should’ve happened.
”
I listen to his heavy breaths.
W
atch
the ragged rise and fall of his chest and shoulders.

My eyes narrow. What is he saying? He regrets coming here? It—all of it—was a mistake?
“
What?
”

“Get out o
f my
way,” he demands
.

I step
aside, biting into my lowe
r lip
as Parker lifts
his leg
and
climb
s out the window. I have
to do something. To say something. T
o stop him.

“Look, I know you think that I’m like, this huge goody two shoes
or whatever, and I realize
I’m not the best person to give advice about something like this, but I kno
w when
. . .”

“You don’t know
anything
,” he interrupts
.
“
Just k
eep that in mind.”

In the next moment he’
s fully outside my third floor window, standing tall on the roof
.
“No one hears about this.
No one
.
Got it?”

I rub
my arms
,
hugging myself,
eyes wet.

“Jaden?”

I
wipe
my running nose
against
the
inside of my wrist
, and
trace
an invisible X
across my c
hest
,
crossing my heart. He eyes
me carefully for a moment,
his expression softening—
hurt registering in his features—
but thi
s seems
to satisfy him.

And so I wait, silent, as he climbs
down that huge
,
black
oak tree, then watch as he hurries
away, disappearing into the
smoky fog
.

I spend
a restless
night tossing and turning
. Imagining awful things. Like
Parker. His bruises
. Fl
inching to avoid a blow. When I’m yanked from the nightmares
th
e following morning, I still have
e
leven minutes before my alarm i
s s
upposed to sound. I shut it off
and lie
quietly
,
feeling the dull ache behind my eyes;
collect
ing
my thoughts; wondering when, exactly, my
life beca
me so complicated
. 

I’m not sure what I did
to deserve
all of this, but I kno
w if it
continues, I’ll
never dig my way out of the
hulking
abyss
I
’ve
managed to sink
into. And so
I slowly cr
awl out of bed and walk
to my des
k. Unsure exactly which book I
crammed my
letter from Harvard in, I pull
out each on
e and flip
through the pages
un
til the white envelope flutters to the floor. There’s truth in what Parker
said.
This i
sn’t about my
not doing something right; it’
s about not getting everything I wan
t
all the time.