Cross My Heart (23 page)

They talked for an hour, about anything and everything. Jenna felt the tension easing from her muscles as they spoke, until the unbearable ache was almost gone.

But when they finally hung up, it came flooding back.

The tears came, too.

It was weak and ridiculous to cry like this, over a man who’d given her exactly what she wanted.

Her freedom.

There was a soft knock on the door. “Jenna? Are you awake?”

Apparently she wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep. She grabbed a handful of tissues from the box beside the bed and swiped at her eyes. “Sure, Molly, come on in.”

She could see immediately that her friend had been crying, too.

“Molly! What is it? What’s wrong?”

The redhead sat on the bed beside her and took a deep breath.

“I’m pregnant.”

For a second Jenna just stared at her. Then she threw her arms around Molly and hugged her tight. “Oh, wow. Does James know?”

James was her boyfriend of more than a year. He was a grad student at the Art Institute of Chicago, and head over heels in love with her

Molly nodded. “Yes, he knows. He’s ecstatic.”

Jenna sat back so she could study her friend more closely. “And what about you? Are you ecstatic?”

Molly ducked her head. “I am,” she whispered. “I want this more than anything.”

Jenna frowned. “If this is your ecstatic face, I’d hate to see you looking dismal. What’s going on?”

“How can you ask me that? With the band taking off like it has...everyone so excited...all the plans we’ve been making...oh, Jenna. I don’t want to give up on the Mollies now, after all we’ve gone through to be together again.”

Jenna gave her another hug. “Okay, then, we won’t give up on the Mollies. Why can’t you have both? The band, and a family?”

Molly stared at her. “Are you serious? But the way Mitch was talking...”

“Yeah, well, we’re going to have to turn Mitch down. But who says we have to fast track?”

She frowned as she thought about it. Suddenly, the path forward for the Mollies was so clear she could almost see it unfolding in front of her. “We can record whenever we’re ready to, and whenever we’re all free. We can tour once a year, maybe, for a couple of months. During the summer, so James can travel with us if he wants.”

Molly was looking at her like she was the answer to a prayer. “Do you mean it? You’d be willing to settle for that, when the band could be so much bigger? If we do what you’re talking about, we’ll never be huge.”

Jenna grinned at her. “Since when have we cared about being huge? I thought the idea was to be good.”

Molly grabbed her hands and squeezed. “Oh, Jenna. I think everyone would go for this. We all have other lives. Thao has her solo career, and Honey does all that Habitat for Humanity work. And I know Barb’s back with us now, but she loves to travel—on her own, not with the band. But what you’re talking about...this could work, Jenna. This could really work.”

“Then what are we waiting for? Let’s get everyone together and find out.”

***

They got a resounding yes from every member of the band. Everyone loved the idea of staying together, but on a smaller scale. It was such a perfect solution that Jenna wondered why no one had thought of it before now.

Maybe, like Jenna and Molly, they’d been so happy to be together again that no one had wanted to rock the boat. But they weren’t eighteen any more—and, as Molly said, they all had full lives. Rich lives, full of wonderful things they shouldn’t have to give up.

They agreed to go their separate ways for a couple of weeks, as they’d planned originally, but instead of meeting in New York they’d get together in Chicago to figure out exactly what they wanted to do next.

An hour after they said their goodbyes, Jenna was on I-88 heading west.

In five hours, she’d be back in Iowa.

But she had no idea what she was going to do when she got there.

She wanted to go to Michael. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and beg him to take her back again. But every time she imagined herself doing that, her old panic returned.

And suddenly she realized that as much as she wanted Michael, there was something else she wanted, too. Something else she needed.

Her family. She needed her family.

The first light of dawn broke in the eastern sky, shining in her rear view mirror. Her heart filled with a sudden fierce love for Iowa—for the state she’d always been so eager to escape. The clouds glowed with sudden flame, and all around her she could see the hills and farms and houses that had just been formless shadows in the predawn darkness.

She’d never seen anything so beautiful.

Her hands tightened on the steering wheel as she drove straight for her parents’ farm.

“Mom!” she called out even before she made it inside the house. “Mom, are you here?” The kitchen was empty, and she worried that maybe they’d gone out for the day. “Mom! Mom!”

Her mother appeared at the head of the stairs, a laundry basket on her hip. “My goodness, Jenna! You scared the life out of me. What are you doing home? We weren’t expecting you. I’m thrilled to see you, of course, but—”

And suddenly Jenna was crying. Her mother dropped the laundry basket and hurried down the stairs, hugging her close and murmuring into her hair the way Jenna had murmured into Claire’s, that day they’d been painting her dining room.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.”

“Oh, Mom...”

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. Just tell me what’s wrong.”

She took a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m in love.”

Once the words were out, some of the terrible tightness left her chest. She took another breath. “I’m in love, and I don’t know what to do.”

A little while later they were sitting at the kitchen table, and Jenna was warming her hands on a mug of her mother’s coffee.

“He’s told you how he feels, hasn’t he? Now you just need to do the same.”

Jenna stared down into her coffee. “Just like that, huh?”

“Well, why not? What’s standing in your way?”

She was quiet for a long time. Her mother watched her closely, but didn’t say anything.

Finally she spoke. “When Megan got sick, I didn’t come home. Remember? I stayed on tour with the Mollies.”

Irene Landry stared at her daughter. “Honey, you did come home. You came home every chance you had, between shows.”

Jenna shook her head. “I didn’t come home every chance I had. I could have been here a lot more.”

Her mother was frowning, trying to follow her train of thought. “Even if that’s true, what does that have to do with you being in love with Michael?”

“What if he gets sick? What if Claire gets sick? What if something scary and horrible happens, and I run away?”

Irene shook her head. “You won’t.”

“You don’t know that. I ran away from here, didn’t I? Even before Megan got sick. I ran away without even finishing high school.”

“You were running towards something, Jenna. Towards your music.”

Jenna shook her head. “I ran away from that, too. When I found out about Derek and Molly. I didn’t stay, to see if we could work things out. And, okay, maybe Derek wasn’t worth it—but Molly was. And I just walked away from our friendship, and from the band.”

She took a breath. “Allison would never have done that. She sticks with things. Jake, too. Allison wants to help everyone in the world. And Jake...he puts his life on the line every day to protect other people. There’s no way I can live up to that.”

“Jenna—”

Jenna wiped away her tears with the back of her hand. “Don’t you see? That’s the kind of person Michael and Claire deserve. Someone who’ll stick, someone who’ll put them first. Someone who—”

“My goodness, Jenna. I had no idea you put your brother and sister on such a pedestal.”

“You and Dad are the same way. Loyal and dedicated and...”

“So you think before you can deserve love, you have to be perfect?”

“Maybe not perfect. But...better. Better than I am.”

“If you need to be better, then you will be. But, sweetheart, you didn’t turn to music when Megan was sick because you were being selfish, or because you didn’t love her. You turned to music because you loved her so much that losing her almost killed you. Music saved your life. It kept you sane, when watching Megan get sicker was ripping you apart. That’s why we told you not to quit.”

She reached out and covered Jenna’s hand with hers. “I always wondered if you’d ever meet a man with a heart as big as yours. And now that you have, there’s no doubt in my mind that you’re exactly the person Michael and Claire need in their lives.”

Fresh tears ran down her cheeks. “How can you be so sure of that?”

Her mother smiled. “You know I had you and Jake just a year after I married your father? We were still in our early twenties, and the farm was just starting out.”

Jenna nodded.

“We hadn’t planned on having children so soon. We were going to wait three or four years, until we knew the farm was a going concern.”

Jenna smiled a little. “So we were a surprise, huh?”

“Very much so. The truth is, we were both scared out of our minds. Your dad even more than me, I think. We barely earned enough to support ourselves, much less a family. So many times during that first year, we wanted to give up...first me, then him...sometimes both of us at the same time. It put a real strain on our marriage. I actually asked for a divorce, when you and Jake were about six months old.”

Jenna stared at her. “You did?”

“I did. I’ve never seen your father so devastated. That night we talked, really talked, for the first time since the two of you were born. We talked about all the things that scared us...and it turned out that what scared us most was the idea of letting each other down. Of not being what the other needed. Of not being enough.”

Jenna ducked her head, a sudden throb making her chest ache.

Irene gave her hand a squeeze. “Nothing’s ever perfect, sweetheart—because we’re not. All we can do is the best we can. And in spite of what you believe about yourself, that’s all I’ve ever seen you do. And it’s what you’ll always do. You’re a loving, brilliant, incredible woman, and Michael obviously agrees with me. So for heaven’s sake go put the poor man out of his misery.”

***

Her mother made it sound so easy, she thought as she drove down Michael’s street.

Her hands tightened on the steering wheel. It was Saturday, so he’d be home unless he had emergency surgery. Or unless he and Claire had gone out somewhere. Or unless...

His car was in the driveway.

She pulled in behind it and sat for a minute, taking deep breath after deep breath. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest, and she couldn’t seem to make herself calm down.

Finally she got out of the car and walked up to the front door. She felt a little dizzy, and it occurred to her that she hadn’t slept for more than twenty-four hours. Also that she was wearing the same jeans and sweater she’d worn yesterday.

But if Michael rejected her, it wouldn’t be because of that. It would be because, in the last month and a half, he’d come to his senses and realized that he’d rather have her as a friend than...something more.

It was a long walk to his front door. She almost wished for something to stop her—a bolt of lightning or a meteor from above. Ever since she’d left Chicago she’d been thinking of this moment, but now that she was here, all the fears and uncertainties she’d ever felt seemed to be tugging at her, pulling at her, telling her not to say what she’d come here to say.

There was no lightning bolt. No meteor strike. She rang Michael’s front door bell, and waited.

It wasn’t long before he answered. He stood in the doorway, just staring at her, for at least a minute.

“Jenna,” he said finally. “My God, I can’t believe it’s you.”

He reached for her as if he couldn’t help himself, and hugged her tight. She wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes, pressing her face into his chest. After a minute she felt his lips on her hair. “It’s so good to see you,” she heard him say, his voice a little shaky. “Come inside. Let me get you something. Do you want coffee?” She followed him into the house, and sat down at his kitchen table while he poured her a cup.

He sat down across from her. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“I was afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“That you wouldn’t want me.”

He stared at her. “You were afraid I wouldn’t want you?” He sat slowly back in his chair, his eyes never leaving hers. “What do you mean?”

She took a deep breath. “I’m in love with you, Michael. I love you, and I love Claire, and I can’t imagine my life without the two of you in it. But I thought you might not feel the same way anymore.”

He didn’t say anything for a minute. He just kept staring at her, while her heart thumped painfully in her chest.

After what seemed like an eternity, he spoke. “You thought I might not feel the same way anymore.”

She nodded.

“You really thought that?”

She nodded.

He stood up. “Wait here a second, will you?”

He left the room, and less than a minute later came back with something in his hand. He came to her, and when he dropped to one knee her heart stopped beating. Then he held out a black velvet ring box.

“I got this a month and a half ago, but when I saw you perform I knew I couldn’t ask you to stay. Then I realized it doesn’t have to be like that. I don’t have to hold you back. If you can deal with my crazy hospital schedule, I can deal with you going on tour.” He took a deep breath. “I was planning to fly out to New York to propose. And now, here you are.”

He opened the box, and a square cut ruby winked up at her. “Jenna, I love you. Will you marry me?”

All the air left her lungs. For a minute she thought she might actually pass out.

She managed to pull herself together. “But you—” She ran out of breath and tried again. “As far as you know, I’ll be gone most of the year with the Mollies. That doesn’t bother you?”

“No,” he said. “I’ve thought about this a lot, Jenna. I’ll miss you like hell, and Claire and I might have do some traveling on the weekends to see you, but we’ll make it work. You do whatever you need to do, for your music. The only thing I care about is that when you do come home, you come home to me.”