Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) (5 page)

“You’ll need to hide at least a little while longer,” said Nathan. “Going home now would be foolish.”

“How’s that?” asked Scott.

“Are you so sure we can take that group without any loss to our own?”

“Those little fags?” said Eric. “They’re what? Level two? Three at best? I could take down all four of them single handedly.”

“There’s six, actually,” said Mordred. “The sister, Katherine I think her name was, and her boyfriend, the bard.”

“Big hairy deal,” said Eric. “A bitch and a bard. You’ll have to excuse me while I don’t crap my pants in fear.”

“Let’s not forget the wizard,” said Nathan.

Mordred laughed. “What? That elf guy? He has no idea what he’s doing. And he took a level in Sorcerer. I don’t think you’ve got a lot to fear from him.”

“I’m not talking about him,” said Nathan. “I’m talking about the shopkeeper. What was his name?”

“Goosewaddle,” said Scott, remembering the sign outside the shop.

Mordred’s avatar’s eyes widened. “They’ve got Professor Goosewaddle? Here in Gulfport?”

“They must,” said Milton. “We cleaned out that magic shop. There was nobody in there.”

“But I created him,” said Mordred. “He’s just a character sheet in my backpack.”

“Now you see why we need to level up,” said Nathan. His grin shone through the shadows. “Besides, why go back at level seven when we can go back at level twenty?”

“That’ll take forever,” said Mordred. “I don’t have that kind of time.”

“You’re the Cavern Master,” said Nathan. “How long it takes is entirely up to you.” He stood up. “Gentlemen, I think it’s time to retire for the evening.” He looked down at the pitiful old beggar. “Break out the Monster Manual, Mordred. Tomorrow we’ll be taking a little walk through the woods.”

Chapter 5

The ride to Bay St. Louis had gone smoothly since The Incident. The only bump on the road had come at the most inopportune time for Tim to be holding a blade against a man’s scrotum. Dave kept his attention focused on Tim, knowing that if he let his eyes wander, they’d eventually be drawn to the discarded hairy nutsack by the door. His heart was racing. What kind of time do you get for cutting a cop's nuts off?

Outside of chain-smoking, Tim didn’t show any signs of regretting, or even worrying, about what he had done. He was smoking his fourth cigarette when the van swerved violently to the right, hitting a bump that, if they’d been in the same circumstances as before, might have cost the officer a leg as well as his balls. The van screeched to a halt.

“What the fuck was that?” said Tim, flicking his cigarette in the direction of the officer’s severed balls. Dave didn’t look to see if he hit them.

“Maybe we’re there,” said Dave.

“Impossible,” said Tim. “Chaz doesn’t even know the address of the poison control center.”

“Why didn’t you tell him?”

Tim opened the van’s rear doors. “Because it only just occurred to me.”

“Aw shit!” said Randy, looking at the unconscious officer bound in duct tape. “Y’all killed Dennis?”

“No!” said Dave. “Of course not! We just –”

“Jesus Christ!” said Randy, his attention now on the part of Dennis nearest him.

“Holy shit!” said Chaz, coming around from the other side of the van. “What the hell did you –”

“Why are we stopped?” asked Tim.

“The spell wore off.”

“Did you pull the gun on him?”

“Yeah,” said Chaz. “That’s when he really flipped out.”

“What was I thinking?” said Randy. “Group of strangers come to my house and ask for a ride, and I’m all like ‘Hell yeah! Let’s go!’” He punched the side of the van. “I’m in such deep shit.”

“Nobody’s in deep shit,” said Tim. “We just need to think through the situation and choose the most beneficial solution.”

Randy ran the fingers of both hands through his greasy hair. “You cut his fucking nuts off, you weird little shit. He’s a fucking cop, and he’s gonna die in my van!”

“He’s perfectly healthy,” said Tim.

“HYEEAA!” said Randy, gesturing at the severed scrotum.

Tim shrugged. “Well, except for that. He’s not going to die, but he’s also not going to be diddling any more kids. That’s a good thing.”

“Listen,” said Randy. “I’m sorry about what he done to you. Really I am. And I understand you doin’ what you done. But here’s the thing. All the shit from this is gonna come down on me once he wakes up. You folks can still get out of this. But Dennis knows me. I’m screwed.”

“We still have the option of killing him,” said Tim.

Randy squinted at Tim. “You’re one fucked up little kid, you know that?”

Tim pulled open his shirt, exposing his impressive matt of chest hair.

“Jesus Christmas, boy! What the –” He turned his head to Dave, and then back to Tim, and then to Dave again. “What the hell are you people? What’s up with your arm?”

There was no easy way to satisfactorily answer either of those questions. The silence that followed was broken by muffled Super Mario Brothers music. Tim pulled his cell phone out of his vest pocket.

“Yeah, we’re on our way. How’s Cooper? ... Good. … Yeah, we got a van. … Don’t worry about it. We ran into a couple of complications as well. We’ll sort it out when we get there. By the way, where is that place exactly? … Okay good. Just get Ravenus to circle above it. We’ll be along in a few minutes.” He hung up the phone, placed it back inside his vest pocket, and looked up at Randy. “If you value your balls, you’ll get back behind the wheel, turn right after you pass the Jolly Roger Casino billboard, and drive to the building with the big black bird circling above it.”

Fifteen minutes later, the van stopped again. Dave and Tim opened the doors. Julian waved from around the corner of the building.

“What do we do with him?” asked Dave, looking down at the cop on the floor.

“Leave him here for now,” said Tim. “One crisis at a time. Julian said they had some kind of complication on their end. Let’s go see what he’s talking about.” He hopped out of the van. Dave climbed down behind him.

“That’s somethin’ else,” said Randy, walking around from the side of the van. “How y’all train a bird how to do that?”

Ravenus flapped down to perch on the roof of the building, just above Julian.

“Thanks, Ravenus,” said Julian. “Go and find yourself something to eat. Don’t go far.”

“Very good, sir,” said Ravenus. Dave looked for Randy’s shocked surprise, but only got a raised eyebrow and an approving nod as the bird flew away.

“Now that there’s a smart bird,” said Randy.

“That’s seriously all you’ve got to say about that?” said Julian.

“What?” said Randy. “I said I was impressed, ain’t I?”

“Yeah, but… He…”

Tim laughed. “He doesn’t speak elven, Julian. All he would have heard is a caw.”

Dave, Tim, Chaz, and Randy followed Julian into the Bayside Poison Control Center.

“I should probably tell you,” Dave said to Randy. “You’re going to see some things that may surprise you.”

“Like the bird?”

Dave nodded slowly. “Yeah, like the bird. Or like
that
.”

Cooper and Professor Goosewaddle were sitting on a sofa in the waiting room, flipping through magazines as if it were the most normal thing in the world for a smurf to be sitting next to a half-naked gorilla monster.

Cooper looked up from his Sports Illustrated. “Sup?”

“Jesus Christmas!” said Randy. “What the hell is that?”

“Hey man,” said Cooper, putting down the magazine. “I have feelings, you know.”

Dave sat down on the sofa across from Cooper, picked up an issue of Popular Science, and tried to put his feet on the coffee table. They didn't even come close to reaching. He gestured to Randy at the empty seat next to him, but Randy chose to remain standing, his back against the wall.

“What the hell happened in here?” said Tim, following Julian into another room.

“I told you we had a complication,” said Julian. “This is Stacy. Stacy, Tim.”

“Why hello there!” said a young female voice. “You’re a handsome little guy.”

“Spare me the shit, lady,” said Tim. “I’m having kind of a rough day.”

“You don’t have to be rude,” said Julian.

“Cooper looked like he’s doing okay, so I guess this place had the anti-venom you needed. So why does this room look like two gods duked it out in here? Jesus, who’s blood is that?”

“Everybody out,” said the woman named Stacy. “You said you’d explain everything when the rest of your friends arrived. Now start talking.” Tim and Julian reentered the waiting room, accompanied by a young, curly-haired brunette eating a cup of yogurt. She was someone Dave might have considered pretty before his tastes suddenly shifted to short, stocky, and slightly bearded.

“Okay, it’s like this,” said Julian. “We were playing a game called Caverns and Creatures.”

“My cousin Ronnie plays that game,” said Randy. “His momma said it was weird, but she ain’t said nothin’ bout no –”

The front door burst open, and a very angry-looking Dennis was pointing a gun at them. “Everybody on the floor!” he said. “Hands where I can see them! You’re all under arrest!”

“Who the fuck is that?” said Cooper.

Dennis turned his head slightly to the right. “FUUUCK!” He blasted holes into Cooper’s torso until the gun clicked empty.

“Cooper!” cried Tim and Julian. Stacy screamed and dropped her yogurt. Cooper’s eyes rolled up and his head lulled forward. Dave leapt off the sofa to help him.

“Hey!” said Dennis. “Not so fa—” He froze solid. Only his eyes moved, and they looked freaked the fuck out.

“Go!” said Professor Goosewaddle. “I have the intruder. Help the half-orc.”

Dave clambered up and over the coffee table between them and placed a hand on Cooper’s knee. “I heal thee!” Blood drooled out of Cooper’s mouth.

“Come on, goddammit!” said Dave, slapping Cooper’s knee again. “I heal thee!” There must have been some life still left in him, because the bullet holes stopped bleeding and grew just a bit smaller.

“I heal thee!” Dave said a third time.

Cooper moaned as his eyeballs realigned. “Fuck, that hurt.”

Dave sighed with relief, but Cooper still wasn't completely healed. “I’m going to give him my last heal, so everybody try not to get shot for the rest of the day, huh?”

“Do it,” said Tim.

“I heal thee!” said Dave. A surge of magic flowed through his hand, and Cooper's bullet wounds sealed up entirely.

“Oh god,” said Cooper. “That’s better. I was –” He doubled over and threw up blood on the glass coffee table. Most of it splattered, but some of it clinked. “Sweet!” he said, looking closely into his own red vomit. He picked out six metal clumps, then flung them at the paralyzed officer. “I think you dropped these, asshole.”

“Where the hell did he get another gun?” asked Tim. “Chaz, you’ve still got the one we took off him before, right?”

“Yeah,” said Chaz, lifting his shirt. The gun was tucked into his pants.

“Put that somewhere else before you shoot your dick off.”

“Here,” said Dave, lifting up the frozen officer’s right pant leg. “Ankle holster.”

“Why did you tie him up with tape?” said Chaz.

“That’s all we had in the van,” said Tim.

“He’s a cop. Doesn’t he have a set of handcuffs?”

Tim and Dave looked at each other.

“Shit,” said Tim. “That would have made more sense.”

“Excuse me,” said Julian. “Am I the only one who’s curious as to why you guys saw fit to kidnap a police officer? Did you feel like we didn’t have enough of a challenge?”

“No time to explain,” said Tim. “Someone might've heard those shots. More cops could be here any minute. Cooper, take his other gun away and restrain him. We’ll have to take him with us. Professor Goosewaddle, can you please release him?”

The professor snapped his fingers. Dennis tried to bolt, but Cooper caught him by the arms.

“You freaks’ll set me free if you know what’s good for you,” said Dennis. “You’s all in a shitload of trouble.”

Tim asked Chaz, “What do you think about Randy?”

Chaz shrugged. “He’s cool, I guess.”

“No,” said Tim. “I mean, do you think we can trust him enough to leave him behind?”

"What?" said Dave. “While we steal his van?”

“Good point,” said Tim. “Randy, you’re coming along.”

“Okay.”

“What about Suzie?”

“You mean
Stacy
?” said Stacy.

“Whatever,” said Tim. “Does she stay or come with us?”

“I can’t stay here!” said Stacy. “What am I going to say to police? Oh my god, what am I going to say to my boss?”

“Well I guess that’s that,” said Tim. “Everybody into the back of the van.”

“What about our cars?” said Julian. “If this place is crawling with cops, I don’t want my car anywhere near it.”

“That’s right,” said Stacy. “Neither do I.”

“Uh-uh,” said Tim. “What’s to keep her from just ditching us and going to the cops?”

“To tell them what?” said Julian.

“Are you kidding?” said Stacy. “I don’t intend to miss a minute of whatever the hell is going on here. And besides, if I wanted to go to the cops, I’d just stay here, now wouldn’t I?”

Tim pursed his lips. “You make a good point. But I still don’t trust you. I’m riding shotgun with you. Julian, you drive your car.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Chaz,” said Tim. “You sit up front with Randy. Everyone else in the back of the van. We’ll meet back at the Rouse’s parking lot off Pass Road and ditch the two extra cars. So much for low profile. We’ll look like a goddamn wagon train.”

“Let me just go get my purse,” said Stacy. “Does anyone want a Yoplait? They’re just gonna go bad if nobody eats them.”

Everyone looked at each other.

Tim shrugged. “Yeah, okay.”

“Why not?” said Julian.

“I’m more of a
Dannon
man myself,” said Dennis. “But I – Wait a minute. What did I just say?”

Cooper escorted Dennis outside, making sure he connected with the door frame on the way through. The van doors were wide open. Conspicuously absent was a pair of human testicles.

“Where are they?” cried Dennis.

“Pipe down and get in the van,” said Cooper.

“Don’t you tell me to pipe down, you giant fucking ogre!”

“Half-orc.”

“WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY BALLS?”

Cooper stopped in his tracks. “Is this a trick question?”

“What is he talking about?” said Julian.

“Um…” said Tim. “Remember how I told you we ran into a complication on the way here?”