Crazy Maybe (22 page)

Could I be any more of an idiot?  I let this wonderful creature get away from me. 

She continues talking and wiping the stray tears away, “I never dreamed it would come out the way it did.  But with my 25
th
birthday coming up, I knew it would probably come out somehow.  I’m really sorry if I caused problems between you and your dad.”

“Baby, no,
none
of this is your fault.  I don’t know what happened, why they put you in that hospital, but I believe you.  Unconditionally, I believe you – you said it wasn’t what it looked like and that’s all I need to know.”

I feel a little uneasy for a few minutes because she looks like she’s in shock.  Without warning, she breaks down in sobs and I wrap my arms around her.  She hugs me tightly and I hold her for a few minutes while she cries.  Like a dam has been released, her whole body shakes with sobs and it breaks my heart again.  Even through the pain, it feels so good to hold her again that I completely understand what she meant when she said she just wanted one more day with me.  Every day, I just want one more day with her. 

“I have no right to ask this of you, Andi, but I can’t help it.  If you’re selfish, I guess I’m just fucking greedy. 
Please
forgive me. 
Please
take me back.  I miss you so much.  I love you – so damn much,” I resolve that whatever I have to do or say to earn her love again, I will gladly do it. 

She pulls away from my arms and looks down at our hands as she entwines them.  I’m watching her and I feel my heart in my throat because, from the look on her face, I don’t think I’m going to like her answer.

“Luke, thank you for explaining what all happened with Megan.  It means a lot that you shared that with me – it does help me understand why you reacted that way.  I do forgive you and I want you to forgive your father.  He made a mistake but he’s a good man.  He did that for his family so it’s hard for me to fault him for that,” she stops talking for a few seconds.

“Why do I hear a ‘but’ in there?”  I ask calmly but I’m really about to jump out of my fucking skin.

She looks up at me, blinks back the unshed tears in her eyes and resolutely declares, “But, I can’t take you back, Luke.  We can’t get back together.”

“You don’t love me anymore?” 

“No,” she whispers, staring at our hands.

“You don’t mean that.”  I don’t believe her.  Her words say one thing but I can see it in every fiber of her being.  She’s lying – and she doesn’t lie very well.  My beautiful little vixen. 

And the irony of the situation isn’t lost on me.  I can tell she’s lying – it’s so obvious in everything about her because she’s not a good liar.  And that should’ve been my first clue when she tried to convince me to listen to her to begin with.  Fuck – I am a moron.

“Look me in the eye and say the words. 
‘I don’t love you, Luke.’
Say it, Andi,” I demand.  She cries harder and her tears are soaking my hand from where they’re dripping off her beautiful face.  “Say the words to my face, Andi.”

I barely make out the words of her
whispered response, “I can’t.”

ANDI

This is the hardest and the worst thing I’ve had to do since the night that landed me in the psychiatric hospital.  But I know what danger lurks out there, waiting to pounce on me, and I can’t put Luke and his family in the crosshairs.  If anything happened to them because of me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.  Pushing him away is the only way I know I can even try to protect them from what’s inevitably coming.

Luke’s calling bullshit on me saying I don’t love him anymore.  Actually, I didn’t even say those words, I just said ‘no’ when he asked me if I did.  He knew that was a lie – that’s why he’s trying to make me say the words to his face.  I can’t do it – no matter what’s happened, I can’t do that.  If this whole mess goes as badly as I’m afraid it will, I can’t die with those being my last words to him.

I let go of his hands and stand up.  I don’t know what the deal is but when I cry, I can’t breathe through my nose if I’m sitting down.  I have to stand to get my sinuses cleared enough to breathe.  When I stand, he stands and I almost chuckle.  I had a feeling he was kidnapping me when he led me to his truck.  But he’s right, I know he would never physically hurt me.

I start pacing and he moves into position to block the door and prevent me from making a run for it.  That wasn’t my plan but I’ll let him keep his illusion of control over the room.  I have bigger fish to fry right now.  Like convincing a very large man that he needs my protection when he’s the one who gets in the boxing ring with other large men and beats the crap out of them.  This should go well.

I stop pacing and look at him, giving him a clear indication that I’m telling him the truth.  “You’re not going to like what I have to say.”

“And that’s different from just now….how?”  He asks dryly, with a hint of the sarcastic humor he knows I love.

And I chuckle, a little.  “Luke, I can’t tell you that I don’t love you.  You already know that.” 

He smiles knowingly, “Then tell me you do.  I will accept that, too.”

“I do love you.  I never stopped loving you,” I finally admit – to him and to myself, “but we can’t get back together, Luke.”  I’m on the verge of a real nervous breakdown here but I need to make him understand.   

“And why is that, Andi?” he asks as he takes on his menacing fighting stance, fully blocking the door and looking very intimidating.  This will make it harder to argue my case.

“Promise not to laugh?”  I ask and can’t keep the blush from creeping up my face.

He looks slightly amused already at my request, “This should be interesting.  I promise I will do my best to not laugh.  But I won’t break another promise by saying I won’t laugh when I don’t have a clue what you’re about to say.”

Fair enough.

“I have to protect you.”

His lips twitch and he sucks his cheeks in like he’s making a fish face for a second before looking down at his feet.  He’s working hard to keep from laughing and to keep his promise to try not to laugh.

“Go ahead,” I concede, and he releases a hearty laugh that rumbles through his expansive chest.  And that laugh sounds so good, so right, and it makes me miss our time together so much more. 

“I’m sorry, baby, really,” as he tries to regain his composure.  He wipes his hand over his mouth as if it will wipe the huge, shit-eating grin off his face.  “Care to explain that revelation?”

I’m suddenly serious and he takes the cue.  “Luke, this is really hard to talk about, ok?  I know it sounds funny and I know I’ll have a hard time convincing you that I have to protect you, but-“

“First of all, I’m sorry for laughing.  It’s obviously not funny to you – it was just the way it sounded at first.”

“I know – I don’t blame you for that,” I quickly explain.

“As much as you obviously want to protect me, I want to protect you, Andi.  I don’t understand why I need protecting, though.”

To tell or not to tell, that is the question.

“Can you sit down and let me explain?  I promise I won’t make a run for the door,” I add with a smile.  He doesn’t even pretend to not know what I’m referring to as he takes a seat.  The one closest to the door.

Let’s start with the shocking truth and see if he runs for the door.  If not, I’ll know I can finish the story.  “The night I was put in the psychiatric hospital, I did attack my foster father with a knife and I would’ve killed him if I could have.  But not for the reasons they say I did it.”

He’s shocked at first, but I don’t blame him for that.  He probably thought it was some kind of accident that went terribly wrong.  “OK, baby, go on.”  There’s no judgment in his voice.  No disbelief.  No suspicion.

“It was just before my 15
th
birthday and I was the oldest of the foster kids.  There were several – all girls,” and his face hardens as if he is guessing what comes next.  “There were 5 of us in all and the others were all between 6 and 10 years old.  Our foster mother wanted nothing to do with us and I was responsible for babysitting, helping with homework, baths – all that kind of stuff.

One day, Maria, who was 9, had been sick all day.  She had a fever and could hardly get out of the bed because she felt so bad.  I’d given her medicine and fed her soup every few hours.  I got up during the night to check on her and give her more fever-reducing medicine.  When I opened her door, I found our foster father…..raping her.

Suddenly, everything made sense – how they only took in young girls, how shy and afraid of other people they were, why he looked guilty when I’d caught him in the girls’ rooms before and why the foster mother never wanted anything to do with the kids they got so much adoration for taking in. 

I had left a knife in her room from where I had peeled an apple for her earlier that evening.  I picked it up and rushed towards him, intending to kill him for raping her, especially when she was so sick she couldn’t fight back.  I mean, as if her being sick made it worse, right?  It was bad enough already but for some reason, knowing how sick she’d been and how little he cared about that just made it worse. 

I guess that
is
crazy thinking, isn’t it?

I don’t regret it, though.  And I never will.  They convinced the authorities that I was mentally unstable because I had been bounced from one foster home to another before they took me in.  They had me locked up for a year in that mental hospital where the staff tried to convince me
every day
that I was crazy.  Sometimes I felt crazy, trying to convince them that I was sane and what I’d seen that night.  I begged them to check the other girls but they ignored me.

When the foster mother came to the hospital under the pretense of visiting me – to give me her ‘
forgiveness
.’  All she wanted to do was make sure I knew my place.  When I asked her why she didn’t protect the little kids, do you know what she said to me?  She said, ‘Who do you think gave him the idea?  He wanted
you
for a long time, but I convinced him the younger ones would be easier for him to control.’

Maria was raped at 9 years old because
his wife
convinced him I would be too much trouble.  She suffered what was originally meant for me.  When I turned 16, since I was a ward of the state, I could be released and taken out of the foster system.  That’s when I got in touch with Bill and he helped me get my trust fund.  

After college, I started the youth center downtown to help other kids in bad situations.  No one else knows it’s my money that funds the whole program.  I just wanted to help kids – because of how I left the other kids in that house to fend for themselves.

The problem is – he’s a big political figure now – even more than he was when I lived with them.  No one will believe me now.  You can bet he’s behind the smear campaign going on around me right now.  And anyone who’s with me will be drawn into this mess.  I can’t let that happen to you and your family, Luke.”

I don’t realize that I was frantically pacing as I explained the situation to Luke until I saw him leaned up, like a barricade, against the front door.

LUKE

Wow. 

This is some crazy shit but I completely believe her.  I can see her stabbing some asshole for hurting a child a
nd not feeling bad for it.  I don’t blame her at all.  And this is one more reason why I love her and I’ve fallen more in love with her in the last few minutes if that is even possible.

She knows me too well – she was only half-joking when she said I didn’t have to guard the door.  She knew I had ulterior motives of getting her here.  She gave me a chance to redeem myself when she announced that she had tried to kill the man but not for the reasons they stated.  I could see it in her eyes – she was silently praying that I would trust her.  And the way she couldn’t lie to me and say she didn’t love me?  I fucking love that about her.

But when she said she had to protect me, I didn’t know how to feel about it.  At first, the way she said it, struck me as funny.  I mean, I’m standing here looking at this petite, beautiful woman who owns my heart.  She’s built and has her feminine muscles from her own workouts, but she’s not freakishly strong.  And I’m in training for heavyweight boxing and have been street-boxing for years.  I routinely take on men who are over two hundred pounds of all muscle….and she wants to protect me?

I fucking love her.

I have to admit, I was a little worried when her panic level kept rising while she was recounting what had happened all those years ago.  She had a far-away look in her eyes and she was pacing erratically.  I didn’t think she’s consciously try to escape from me but I was a little nervous that she would take off running out the front door from a full-blown panic attack.  So I quietly moved around the room until I was leaning on the door to block her, just in case.

She seems to have realized this now because she’s stopped talking and pacing – and seems to really see me.  She smiles tenderly at me and says, “I’m ok, Luke.  I’m not planning to bolt.”

I push off the door and walk slowly to her, trying to not look threatening in any way.  She watches me approach and doesn’t move, doesn’t back down in any way.  I cup her face gently with my hands and peer into her eyes.  “I love that you want to protect me.  I love that you shared this with me and that you trusted me with it when you haven’t trusted anyone with it before.  But more than anything else, I love
you
, Andi.  And there’s no way I would let you shield me and put yourself on the line.  I’m with you, remember?  I’m with you.”

“We’re about to have a disagreement about this, Luke,” she replied coyly and gave me her sweetest smile.

“You can disagree all you want, as long as I get my way and you don’t try to ever leave me again,” I reply with my bedroom voice.

Andi laughs out loud at this and I know without a doubt that I am completely wrapped around her little finger.  All that she’s been through in her life flashes through my mind and I silently vow to her that no matter what the future holds, I will be there every day to do everything in my power to make sure she’s laughing and happy.

“Luke,” she says as she leans into me, “I’m really sorry to have to do this, but it’s for your own good.”

“What are you talkin-,” her front door opens and in walks Shane, Will, and Brandon. 
Oh shit, this is not happening! 
“Andi,” the warning is clear in my voice, “what have you done?”

She rubs her hand across my jaw, feeling the stubble of my 5 o’clock shadow and looks at me so lovingly.  “I’m protecting you, Luke.”

And with that, all the guys grab me from every direction and I fight like a wild animal.  A lot of good it does me – Will the Giant grabs me from behind in some wrestling move and now I can’t move my arms to fight back.  Shane and Brandon have my legs and they’re carrying me towards Andi’s back door.  I’m yelling all kinds of obscenities and names at all of them.  Even threats to removing the important parts of their body that’s directly related to their manhood doesn’t faze them.

When we reach the back deck, I notice a rope is conveniently waiting and I look at Andi, who is grinning like a damn Cheshire cat.  Shane and Will hold me down on the lounge chair while Brandon uses the rope to tie me down to the chair at my arms and at my legs.  After they’re satisfied with the knots, the four traitors sit down opposite of me as
Christina, Tania and Katie all file out to gawk at me and my predicament.

Laughter erupts from everyone, including me, when
Christina exclaims, “Now
this
is a party!”

Andi moves over and sits in my lap, knowing I’m unable to move my arms to touch her, and smiles that same shit-eating grin at me.  “This was
just in case
you decided to kidnap me after all,” she laughs, gesturing to all our friends who are now pulling out food and drinks from Andi’s kitchen.

“You knew they were going to do this to me?”  I ask Andi, deceptively calm.

She’s still smiling, “Mmmhmmm,” she nods.

“So this was all planned?”

“Yep.”  She’s so damn proud of this little covert coup against me. “Remember the text in the truck?”

“I see.  Untie me, Andi.”

“You have to promise me something first,” she says, still smiling but a little hesitant now.  As well she should be.

“I wi
ll promise you something, Andi,“ I state confidently, “I will promise if you don’t untie me
right now
, it will be
much worse
for you when I do get untied.” I am still calm but there’s no doubt in her mind as to what I mean.

She laughs nervously, but the mischievous gleam in her eyes is shining bright, “No, Luke.  You have to promise you will behave and be nice if I untie you.  Otherwise, I will just have to hand-feed you every meal until you promise me you decide to be a good boy.”

I smirk, “OK, Andi.”  She won’t accept that – she makes me say the words verbatim.

“I promise I will behave and be nice if you untie me now,” I recite after her.  So she unties my legs first.  Then my hands last.  And she’s kept her eyes trained on mine the whole time.  I stand up, moving my arms and legs around to get the blood flowing again.  Then I give her my mischievous grin and she squeals.

“NO, LUKE!  YOU PROMISED!”  She’s laughing and backing away from me with her palms up between us.

“Silly woman…..didn’t you notice my arms and legs were crossed when I said that?  Automatically makes it null and void….so I’m not breaking my promise, now am I?”  I respond in a low, threatening whisper despite the smile that is splitting my face in two.  I’m closing in on her as she turns to run from me – in her heels.

I wrap my arms around her and tackle her full force and we land in the deep end of the pool.  When our heads emerge back up through the water, she’s sputtering water and laughing hysterically.  She playfully swats at me as she admonishes me, “You lunatic!  You are crazy!”

I wrap my arms around her and hold her afloat, “I am crazy….crazy about you.”

ANDI

I knew I’d pay for that little trick but it was well worth a little dip in the pool to see him tied up to the chair like that.   The look on his face was priceless.  I don’t know what he thought we were going to do with him but it certainly wasn’t this.  I’ve just washed my face and I’m changing into my bathing suit for a real swimming party and I can’t help but laugh again ev
ery few minutes when the scene replays in my mind.

I go back outside and most of the gang is already in the pool.  My girls already had a bathing suit at my house from our hot tub party and the guys brought theirs, plus one for Luke.  I put towels out for everyone and smile at Luke, who’s stalking towards me in a cat-like prowl right now.  He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a bear hug.  I love his hugs, so much that I moan in pleasure and feel his smile against the side of my head.

“Does this mean I’m forgiven and we’re back together?” Luke whispers in my ear.

“You’re forgiven, Luke.
“   I can’t stay mad at him, especially when he apologized so sweetly, explained everything to me and then was such a good sport after our little practical joke. 

Most people would think I should stay mad at him and hold a grudge for how much he hurt me.  But one thing that I’ve learned the hard way is that life is too short to stay mad at the ones you love.  And I do love him.

“But we’re not back together?  Because you have to protect me?”  He’s only half-joking and we both know it.  He wants me to say we’re back together but the stubborn man doesn’t think he needs to be protected.  Even though he doesn’t know what he’s up against.

I bang my forehead in frustration against his massive chest as his laugh rumbles through it.  “Do we need to have another disagreement about this?”

“No, no argument here.  I will let you protect me as long as you say we’re back together.  That’s a fair compromise, don’t you think?” He’s murmuring in my ear, his lips are grazing my earlobes and sending chills through me. 
Smooth talker
.

When I look up into his
eyes, I can see it - he knows he has me.  There’s no use in denying it.  Or in denying myself of what I really want. 
Him.
 
I just want him.

“So, Andi, how do you know Luke doesn’t just want you for your money?”  Brandon calls from the pool.  He really is a great brother to Luke and right now I’m really appreciating that he just got me out of answering Luke’s question.

“Shut the fuck up, Brandon.  You know better than that.  And I’ve told you a million times –
you can’t have her!
  Find your own girl” Luke yells back at Brandon as I laugh.

“Think he’s funny?” Luke says, turning on me with that evil glint in his eye.  I immediately start backing up but he keeps advancing on me, slowly but surely gaining on me.

“Yeah, I think he’s funny,” I answer casually.

“Huh.  You think it’s funny that he’s badmouthing me?”  He tilts his head down and his eyes track my movements from under his furrowed brow.

“I think it’s funny that he’s giving you a hard time,” I clarify.  I’m still slowly moving away from him because I know he’s up to something.

“A hard time,” he repeats thoughtfully and picks at the finger foods we set out on the outdoor table.  I start to answer but like lightning, he’s grabbed me and is holding me above his head and walking towards the pool.

I’m laughing and screaming “
No, Luke!
” with his every step.  He has the biggest smile on his face and he’s really enjoying this way too much. 

He starts to throw me into the pool but at the last second, he drops me and I’m free-falling for a couple of seconds before I’m cradled in his arms like a baby.  He throws his head back in a full-out laugh at the shocked look on my face and the sharp gasp of air I just inhaled.  I totally thought I was going to hit the concrete full force.  My heart is about to beat out of my chest but I can’t help but laugh!

“You just wait,
Lucas Woods
!  You will pay for that! 
Next time
, I won’t untie you!”  I threaten him, for all the good it does.

He puts my feet down and wraps his strong arms around me.  “I would never let you fall, baby.  Speaking of being tied up….maybe we could use those ropes tonight?  In your bedroom?”  He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at me.

“Oh, I think I can definitely put them to use them tonight, Luke.”  I coyly answer, but I seriously doubt my idea is the same one he’s thinking of right now. 

He narrows his eyes at me, “Andi,” but before he can finish that threat, I catch him off guard and push him into the pool.  He surfaces and smiles that mega-watt, panty-dropping smile at me and all I can think of is how gorgeous this crazy man is.  I am so in love with him and I don’t want this to end.