Crazy Little Thing (19 page)

Jasper laughed and twisted away from my reach. “OK, OK. I’ll be nice. You weren’t
so
bad last night.”

“I wasn’t? Then I didn’t wipe my nose on the tablecloth?”

“Oh, yeah. You totally did that. But I think Des thought it was kind of funny.”

“He did?” Fontaine was disbelieving. “But that’s disgusting.”

“Oh, like you haven’t done worse?” I challenged.

“Hey, what two consenting adults choose to do in the privacy of their own room, or an elevator, is not in question here. And I have never blown my nose on a restaurant tablecloth.”

“I didn’t blow it. I dabbed it.” The memory was starting to come back to me.

Jasper tipped his head, conceding, “It was more of a dab than a blow.”

“See!”

“I’m confused,” Dody said. “Why did you cry?”

“Because he introduced me as his neighbor.”

Jasper snorted. “You are his neighbor, dumb-ass. How is that an insult?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” I sniffed.

“You got that right.”

“I’m afraid I don’t understand either, dear. Why did that upset you?” Dody asked.

Geez, what was wrong with these people?

“Never mind. It doesn’t matter now. It’s because Des is so...” I flapped my hands as if the words were dangling invisibly around me but I couldn’t grasp them. “And I’m so...well, it’s better this way,” I said with finality. I looked around to see if they understood all that I was not saying.

Dody scowled. “Humph! Young lady, do you think that rainy day when I got into Walter’s car for the first time I wasn’t nervous? He was mature and debonair and I was a skinny bit of a girl, soaking wet in a hand-me-down dress with freckles from here till next Sunday. I wasn’t always this put together, you know!” She patted her hair, pulling out a pink foam curler. “But I set my cap for him, and nothing was going to stop me.”

Fontaine and Jasper smiled at each other. They’d heard this story before.

“He drove me home that day, and I tell you what, he came back the next day and the next day and the day after that. And do you know why?”

I was tempted to answer, “Because Uncle Walter was a boob man?”

Dody went on, “Because he said I was the sunshiniest girl he’d ever met. Being around me made him happy, because I was happy. He said I could find the silver lining in a mushroom cloud, whatever that means. So maybe I wasn’t the prettiest back then, or the smartest, or the richest, but I made him happy. So he married me.”

“That’s great for you, Dody. But I’m not that kind of person. And none of this matters anyway. I’m leaving at the end of the summer, so even if I did like him, and he liked me, what good would it do?”

She poked her finger at my nose. “Glenville is not that far away, young lady. You are using that as an excuse. You have an excuse for everything, but not one good reason.”

“So you think I should pretend to be happy so Des will like me? That’s a little Stepford Wife, don’t you think?”

“No, silly. Don’t pretend to be happy.
Choose
to be happy.”

She wasn’t making any sense at all. You didn’t choose happiness. It was pure dumb luck. Either it came your way or it didn’t.

“Dody, it’s not that simple.”

“Yes, it is. You’re the one making it complicated.”

I looked to my cousins for backup. Jasper shook his head and walked away but Fontaine nodded, his lips pursed in agreement.

Dody patted me again. “You know what they say, darling. When life gives you oranges, have some juice.”

Maybe my sister would know what I was talking about. Penny was pretty good about this kind of stuff.

“Oh for God’s sake,” she groaned into the phone, “screw somebody already, will you?”

“That’s your advice?” I flopped back on my bed with my feet up on the wall, my standard phone call to Penny position.

“Yes. Honestly, Sade! This whole woe-is-me, my husband cheated on me thing is so last year. Richard was an asshole.
Get over it!
I mean, seriously, so what if this Des guy went out with the blonde from the restaurant? He wasn’t with her last night. He asked you out instead, so clearly he wanted to be with you.”

“But she was totally coming on to him and he let her. Right in front of me.”

“What was he supposed to do? Punch her in the face?”

“He could have at least introduced me by name. But whatever. I gave it a shot. There’s no point in dating him anyway.”

“Why? Because you don’t want to get married again? If you don’t, that’s fine. But does that mean you’re never going out with a man again for the rest of your life? That’s stupid.”

I tapped my feet against the wall. “You’re stupid.”

Penny chuckled at last. “No, you’re stupid, because you’re acting like every date should be a job interview for your next baby daddy. Why must you overthink everything? Go out and have some fun and stop worrying all the time. You exhaust me.”

It was unanimous. Everyone in my family, including me, thought I was an idiot.

CHAPTER 13

SINCE INSTITUTING MY EXPERT ORGANIZATIONAL design in Dody’s kitchen, putting away the dishes was a snap. Now if only I could get them to adhere to my refrigerator-shelf-labeling system, life would be even easier. But it almost seemed as if they didn’t care. I scolded Fontaine as he set a jar of Dijon mustard next to a carton of free-range, grain-fed, self-actualized chicken eggs.

“Hey! Look!” I tapped hard on the correctly label shelf. “It says right here:
condiments
. Mustard is a condiment.”

He scratched the side of his nose with his middle finger. “Do the words OCD mean anything to you?”

“Those are letters, not words. And you’re the one who told me to organize.”

“I had no idea what a field of land mines that would create.”

“Just put the mustard where it belongs and nobody gets hurt, OK?”

“On one condition. You have to call Des.”

“That’s extortion.”

“Extortion. Persuasion. Whatever. He probably thinks you’re mad at him.” Fontaine set a jar of pickles next to the soy milk just to piss me off.

I moved the pickles to the pickle shelf. “I am mad. It was humiliating. God, Fontaine. It was like he couldn’t remember my name.”

“Maybe he was protecting you. Like, maybe she’s some crazy stalker who’d come after you with a machete.”

“Spaghetti? Who’s having spaghetti? We just ate,” Dody asked, wandering in from the dining room with Paige and Jordan.

“I want cake for dessert. Not masghetti,” Jordan pouted.

“See what you started?” I said to Fontaine.

“Call him.”

I covered both my ears. “La la la. I can’t hear you.”

“Are you calling Daddy, Mommy? Are we going to see him tomorrow?” Paige asked.

They were supposed to, yes. But he hadn’t called to confirm, so I couldn’t be certain. Richard didn’t like to be tied down with tiny details, such as keeping promises to his kids. Plus he was still mad at me for staying here with Fontaine.

“I’ll check with him, Paige. I’ll go call him right now.”

“Hello?” Richard drawled into the phone.

“Richard, hi. It’s Sadie. I wanted to check with you about bringing the kids.” If I could make this conversation short and to the point, maybe we wouldn’t end up fighting.

“Oh, yeah, I was just about to call you.”

I braced myself. Here came the cancellation and some lame-ass excuse, like he had to donate a kidney that day or his boss was sending him to Barbados.

“Listen, I want to apologize for being upset with you last time. I guess Fontaine has a right to stay wherever he wants. And if the kids aren’t freaked out by him or anything, I guess I shouldn’t make you cut your vacation short.”

I pulled the phone away and examined it. This must be a toy, with my wishful imagination creating words in Richard’s voice. He thought apologizing was for pussies. (His expression, not mine.) But the phone was real. I put it back to my ear.

“Richard, are the terrorists making you say this? Do they have a gun to your head?”

He chuckled. “No, but I’ve done a lot of soul-searching lately. I’m tired of fighting with you all the time and I guess I haven’t been fair—about you staying at Dody’s, I mean. It’s only for a couple months, right? And you promised me Fontaine is behaving himself, so I’m OK with it.”

I sank down to the floor in a heap. Could he mean it? This was 180 degrees from normal.

“Richard, this is so...so open-minded of you.”

“Yeah, maybe an old dog can learn a few new tricks, huh? You know, I’ve been seeing this therapist, and she’s taught me a lot. You should be proud of me.”

I bit my tongue. So what if he was sleeping with his therapist? If she could turn him into a nicer man, then so be it. It wasn’t any of my business.

Richard continued. “And listen, just to prove I really mean it, why not let me come pick them up this time? I can be in Bell Harbor by noon and take them up to my brother Chet’s place for a couple days. You know, maybe keep them a little longer this time, if that’s OK with you. I’ve got a few vacation days saved up and I’ve been missing my P and J something terrible.”

I put my head in my hand. This was unbefuckinglievable. Aliens had taken over my ex-husband’s body and somehow turned him human in the process. My insides liquefied. I felt whooshy and soft. Dody kept telling me to forgive and forget. If he was finally coming around, maybe now was the time to give that a test run.

“The kids are anxious to see you too, Richard. I’m sure they’d love to have some extra time. Are you sure you don’t mind picking them up?”

“No, it’s no problem. It’s sort of on the way. Just make sure you pack their life preservers in case we go on Chet’s boat.”

“Sure, OK.” Was he actually becoming safety conscious too? I looked out the window for a flying pig.

“Great. Thanks, Sadie. I really appreciate you being so understanding. Chet and his kids will be there. We’re going to fish and camp out, just like we used to do as a family. I’m really looking forward to it.”

After our good-byes, I hung up the phone and sat cross-legged on the floor until Jordan found me. “Mommy, what are you doing? Are we going to see Daddy?”

“Yes, baby, you are. And I think you’re going to have a very fun time.”

CHAPTER 14

RICHARD WAS IN AND OUT the next day like a pizza-delivery man. He arrived on time, was gracious and cordial, and loaded the kids into the car without one hint of drama.

“I don’t know, Dody. Do you suppose he’s up to something?” I asked after Richard drove away.

Dody shook her head slowly. “You should always give people the benefit of the doubt, darling. But I have to admit, that’s one rat I never thought would change his spots.”

I bit my lip, pondering a dozen sinister possibilities as we walked into the family room. Maybe he’d kidnap them and drive over the border? No, he couldn’t troll for chicks with two kids in the backseat. Plus he hated Canadians. Maybe he’d drop them off at Jesus Camp and bring them back to me as little evangelicals? No, Richard and church didn’t mix. Too many rules about monogamy. So try as I might, I couldn’t come up with anything. Except that maybe, just maybe, he was being sincere.

“Is the spawn of Satan gone?” Fontaine asked, coming in from the deck.