Crazy About Love: An All About Love Novel (18 page)

I know that. Of course I know that. Not because I’m deserving of him, but because he’s the best person I know.

“Can’t give me anything, I swear,” I say through my tears, my voice thick.

He smiles and taps me playfully on the hip. “You don’t have to be so upset about it. It didn’t exactly break the bank.”

“It was more than just a piece of jewelry, Alec,” I say, turning my head to face him. “And you know that.”

He leans down, so close that our noses almost touch. “I’ll get you a new one,” he teases, pretending to be annoyed. I shake my head, keeping a lock on his gorgeous green eyes.

“You know I’ll just lose that one too.”

The words come out as a joke, because when I said them, they were a joke. But once they’re out I realize how very true they are, and the playful smile drops from my face. How many more mistakes do I have to make before I lose absolutely everything?

“Hey,” he says, leaning in again. “It’s okay.”

I shake my head. “I’ve already messed up so many things between us, and this was the one thing I didn’t want to mess up because it was so perfect—the way you gave it to me and the way it made me feel.” I think back to that Christmas night at Grandma Carver’s. The hot chocolate and the lit tree. The weight of the box on my leg when he put it there. That arrogant and adorable look on his face. It was the first time in a long while that I’d felt some sort of hope for my future. Now look at me—just a few weeks later, and I’ve dashed it.

“We may not be anything more than friends,” I say, “but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel awful about what’s happened between us.”

“You don’t have to feel awful about anything between us. We’re fine.”

I push away from him, his proximity muddling my ability to get out what I’m trying to say. “This isn’t about the damn necklace.”

And it’s not. The necklace is just on top of a few years’ worth of mistakes and regret and anger and sorrow and confusion.

“Then wha—”

“I kissed you.”

He closes his eyes briefly, his brows furrowed deep. “That was a long time ago, Theresa.”

“No…not so long ago. And we just tossed it aside and moved on, but I hate that we did that. I hate that you’re lumped in with all these random guys I don’t remember. Don’t you get it? I
ruined
it. You get one chance,
one,
to have a first kiss with someone, and if it was going to happen with you, it should’ve happened differently. You are not like every other guy I was supposed to have ‘fun’ with. You’re my best friend, and that means something. So a kiss between us, two people who know each other and care about each other, should’ve been of epic proportions. It should’ve been—”

His hands find my waist, and the force of my back hitting the wall of the fridge shuts me the hell up. His eyes are smoke, embers, now
fire
as they lock with mine. His confusion is gone. His playful, teasing nature…also gone, replaced with this rough and commanding man before me.

“We get a redo,” he says, his voice deep and husky and setting my body on fire.

“A redo?”

“One redo. For anything. If you want it, just say it.”

The air has left my lungs. I’ve tripped over the sun and the stars and I can’t see anything in front of me. My brain has collapsed in on itself, warping all the logic I’ve ever known, and so my body can only go on pure instinct. The toes on my tile, the knee against his leg, the fingertips on his elbows, the heart that beats out of my chest and into his, and the tongue behind my lips…they are all out of my control. All of them. Especially my tongue, because I shouldn’t say it, but I do anyway.

“Redo.”

He closes the gap between us slowly, deliberately, giving me the chance to take it back, but I don’t. His lips brush mine in a sweet, seductive, not-nearly-enough kiss that elicits a whimper from the back of my throat. I tip my head up, wanting more from him, but the more I push, the more he pulls back, keeping me at the slow, heated pace. My skin is on fire from his fingertips, his soft lips, his body grazing mine but not closing the minute gaps between our stomachs, our chests, our hips. With only our lips gently touching, I already feel as if I’m falling into him. We could be naked or clothed, in public or in a closet, and I’d never know. He’s erased time and space, and everything I believe about love and friendship is obliterated. My hands find the back of his neck, and I lift myself up on my tiptoes, wanting so much for him to keep taking me to this place of sweet oblivion, where none of my worries and heartache are welcome.

A low grunt passes between his lips, fueling the already burning fire we’ve started wherever we are. His soft blond locks tangle in my grip, and his body is a stone wall as I push against it, determined to get closer and closer until I’m sunk into him. He kisses my bottom lip, my top lip, my bottom lip again until he’s pulling it softly with his teeth. I’ve died and come back to life, still so unaware of where I am or who I am or what I’ve done; all I know is that this angel has given me the gift of the perfect kiss, and I can’t imagine what I could’ve done to be worthy of it.

He squeezes my hips, his fingers applying a little pressure to the small of my back. His lips brush mine again in soft, sweet kisses, bringing me gently back into the kitchen of my apartment, back into my body, and back to the realization of who I am and why I feel so broken. It’s so jarring that my head spins, and if he weren’t holding on to me I’d topple to the floor. And when I open my eyes and see that his are still shut, a tight panic grabs hold of my chest and digs its nails into my heart.

“Are things going to change?” I ask, my voice breathy and unstable. It’s unfair of me to ask, but I want to know I haven’t just made another mistake that will end up hurting us both.

He shakes his head, his blond hair flopping across his forehead, eyes still closed and breathing ragged. I slide my hands from his neck down his chest and let them rest there until I’ve found my footing.

“I’m…going to crash here,” he says, his eyelids floating open to reveal dark pupils and swirling green irises. “If you want to sleep in your own bed, I can watch out for you.”

I swallow hard. “Liz will freak out if she wakes up and I’m not there.” It’s an excuse. If I’m in this room for another second I’ll be taking advantage of our being alone, and it isn’t right, especially after sharing a bed with someone whose name I didn’t even know.

I step out from his arms, breathing in the suddenly cold air. Alec takes a deep breath as well, attempting a smile when he looks at me.

“Was that epic enough for you?” he asks, pushing back a laugh. The tightness in my chest loosens, and I step forward and wrap my arms around him in gratitude.

“I will definitely remember that one.”

His body shakes under my cheek, and he presses another friendly kiss to my head. He sways me to a song he must have running through his mind, and I wish he’d start humming it so I could hear the perfect melody in his practiced voice.

“I have a request,” he says. “As a friend looking out for another friend.”

“Okay…”

“Order background checks for your conquests.”

That gets a genuine, freeing laugh out of me. I pinch his side and pull away before he can pinch me back.

“I’ll do what I can.”

“Good. I don’t think I can stand another rat bastard taking advantage of you.”

My body starts tingling again, and I bite back my smile at his words. These are the moments when I believe that he might still have deeper feelings for me despite his words to the contrary, but I ignore them because I can’t bear the thought of it being true—or, more selfishly, being
un
true.

He watches me as I tiptoe back down the hall to Liz’s place, and we whisper good nights to each other before locking ourselves in. It seems silly to spend the night somewhere else, but safer. I bring my hand up to my lips, touching them as I crawl back into the bed next to Liz.

He’s switched a light on inside of me. Instead of feeling hopeless and lost and unworthy, I feel like maybe I can turn this around. Become a person deserving of a forever kind of love.

I decide right then and there to take a page out of Liz’s book: the next time I have sex, it’ll be with someone I could love forever, no matter how long it takes to find him.

The last thought I have before falling asleep is whether the ring Eli gave me is also on the list of casualties. Then I don’t allow it to take up any more room in my head.

P
RESENT DAY

“Club Neon,” Liz says, glancing around the wild dance floor. Her teeth are glowing under the blacklights, and I run a tongue over my own wondering if they look the same.

“Well, can’t cite them for false advertising,” I tell her. She nods and refolds the thick coat hanging over her arm. When we spotted Alec and Rian walking into this place, we were just happy there wasn’t a huge line or a bouncer we had to bribe to get in. After stepping inside, we quickly discovered why. The place is so hot and full of stoned dancers that most Valentine’s Day club-goers would probably prefer standing outside on the side of the road to being in here.

I stifle a laugh as I imagine what Alec is thinking about this place.

“Have you seen them yet?” I shout over the music. Liz shakes her head, her long blond ponytail swaying. It’s been at least twenty minutes since we had eyes on them, and my stomach is getting that knotted, gross feeling that maybe he’s in a dark corner showing Rian just how talented he is with his mouth.

“Oh God, I might puke.”

“Don’t say ‘puke,’ ” Liz says, and even under the blacklights I notice her face getting green. I don’t think she’s feeling too well. When I had to withdraw around the corner from the restaurant because of my coughing fit, I was hoping she’d overheard juicy things, but instead she told me that she got a whiff of the food, and the seafood risotto made her want to yack up her entire stomach, which distracted her so much that she didn’t hear a thing.

“You okay?” I ask her.

She nods. “It’s just really hot in here.”

“Maybe if you took off that insane coat?” I say with a laugh. But I take a step back because she really does look like she’s going to be sick.

“I need water,” she mutters.

“All right.” We weave through the crowd over to the bar, and the bartender shakes his head when I order two Dasanis, like I’m some kind of buzzkill.

“Hey, business is business, buddy,” I tell him, snatching the waters and handing one to Liz. He either doesn’t hear me or chooses to ignore it. I put the cold bottle up against my burning neck instead of cracking the top.

“I’m going to go around one more time, and if they’re not here, let’s wait outside.”

Liz nods, her lips tightly wrapped around the bottle. I dive back onto the dance floor, braving the sweaty and occasionally handsy crowd.

It’s been over a year since I’ve been to a place like this—a place you go to hook up with a random person without a care in the world. Walking through the crowd sober and with my bottle of water, I feel like I’m fifty years old.

The faces start to blur as the DJ throws down a more upbeat number, and I can’t tell who’s who without getting awfully close to personal bubbles. What I can tell, however, is everyone on this dance floor is having dance sex—something I know Alec excels at.

I get a whiff of sweat and BO, and my nose crinkles in distaste. An undeniable hatred of this place and how it reminds me of who I used to be rises up, and I have the urge to hunt Rian down and punch her in the face for bringing Alec here. He’s worth so much more than this.

“Hey,” Liz says, setting a hand on my shoulder, nearly startling me out of my boots. She really doesn’t look good. “I found them.”

My eyes widen and I follow her gaze to a couple dancing near the back of the crowd. Alec is so much taller than Rian, but it doesn’t stop all their body parts aligning in a way that sets my teeth on edge. I take one determined step in that direction, but Liz reaches out and pulls me back.

“I’m all for a scene, but you were against it at the restaurant. So…think for a second.”

Right. If I’m going to be a crazy bitch about this, I may as well be thorough and think through all the possible scenarios. I want to be sure that no matter what happens, they don’t kiss, and he comes home with me.

I watch them in a jealous, green daze. Damn it, why didn’t I just say it three weeks ago? Why didn’t I let the words fall from my tongue and into his heart and let him know softly, quietly? Grand gestures are great only if everything falls into line perfectly.

“Um, Theresa,” Liz prods, “you better decide fast.”

I blink, and suddenly Alec is spinning Rian around so they’re facing each other. Their faces are close, they’re talking, he’s smiling. I can see the whites of his teeth, which match the glowing white collar of his undershirt. Liz snatches my wrist, her fingers hot.

“Make a beeline for him,” she hisses. “Grab his arm. Drag him away.”

“But what about Ria—”

“Trust me.” Her eyes are wide, and the greenish hue of her skin prevents me from arguing. She pushes through the crowd in the opposite direction, toward an exit door. Oh God, the poor thing is sick, and here I am trying to sabotage a silly auction date.

I refuse to look back at Alec and have that ignite my selfishness, and I start after Liz. I make it two steps before the entire club goes black.

Except for the lightbulb over my head.

I turn around as quick as humanly possible and storm toward Alec, running into shoulders and boobs and many other body parts. The club buzzes with groans and laughter in equal measure, and I prick my ears for that one laugh I’m so familiar with. I can hear it, I can, and I follow the sound, blindly searching for what’s literally right in front of me.

An arm knocks into my stomach, and I cough from the force, eyes watering.

“Sorry,” I hear from my right, and my cough turns into a gasp. It’s Alec, right there next to me, and I reach out without thinking. I get a good grip on soft fabric, and without another thought I pull him toward me.

“Alec?” I say, and I feel him shift in my hold, stepping closer to me. He doesn’t smell right, but I did cover him in food at his last stop and the mixture of odors in the club is messing with my nose. A hand runs up my arm and cradles my face, a thumb tumbling over my lips. My heart beats completely out of my chest, and I let out a large sigh, relieved that he’s finally in my grasp, alone. Well…alone enough. I can pretend here in the dark, and it makes it easier.

“Let me say this to you, please,” I say over the noise of the still-buzzed crowd. “When the lights come back on we can deal with who you’re actually here with. But Alec, it was supposed to be me. I asked you to do the auction so
I
could bid on you. I love you, and I’m tired of being just friends. I’m ready for more if you’re ready for mo—”

“Oh yeah, baby, I’m ready,” the owner of the thumb on my cheek says, and sudden dread and a wash of fresh embarrassment rush through my stomach. I jerk away from the foreign touch, ramming into someone behind me. I fumble around for my phone, clicking it on and switching on the flashlight. The guy in front of me has long hair and looks more like Mick Jagger than Alec.

“Oh dear God,” I choke out, rushing away into the blackness of the club to get as far away from fake Alec as possible. I’m completely turned around and have no clue where I am in relation to the front door, let alone Alec and Rian. Once people see that I have my phone’s flashlight on, they start pulling theirs out to light the room, but even with all that, I can’t locate Alec, and I can’t find Liz either.

I sigh and push through, hoping I’m headed toward an exit. I end up being three steps away from one. Stepping out into the fresh air, I’m quickly reminded of why I need a jacket tonight, and I’m grateful I kept mine on. I yank out my red scarf and wrap it around my neck as I search the area. I step around the corner and onto a side street where there are cabs and one big-ass limo parked along the curb. A few feet down the street is Liz in her puffy pink coat, crouched down and breathing like she’s about to give birth. Her eyes connect with mine and her brow pulls down.

“You’re supposed to be kissing Alec right now,” she says, her tone annoyed and frustrated, and I find my hackles rising defensively.

“I professed my love to some random asswipe because
someone
didn’t tell me what she was doing.”

She stands up straight, her mouth a thin line. The paleness of her skin is really scaring the hell out of me.

“I
told
you what to do. All you had to do was go straight forward.” She extends an arm. “Five, six steps and you’d have had him. But no. You started following me like a dumbass.”

“What did you just call me?” I spit out at her. She ignores me.

“I told you to grab him!”

“You didn’t tell me I’d be blind doing it!”

“Look, you wanted help with this whole grand gesture, and I’m helping you. I should get a little gratitude, damn it. I gave you your opening, but you blew it. Now we’ve got to follow them to the next activity and try to stop them from tonguing in front of your fragile ego.”

“
You
talked me into this crazy shit.” I point accusingly at her, heat storming inside me. Liz and I have fought many times—it happens when you’re friends for over twenty years—so I know she’s just blowing off steam and this really isn’t about me. But I’m not in the mood to be her stress recipient.

Her eyes start watering and she wipes furiously at them. “I didn’t expect you to muck it up.”

“Will you stop yelling at me?” I throw my hands into the air. “God, you sound like Shay with all her pregnancy hormones.”

Her expression softens so quickly I immediately regret my outburst. “Well…I mean…I am late,” she murmurs.

Shocked, I can’t say anything for a second. When I finally find my voice, I sputter, “What?”

“It doesn’t mean anything,” she quickly puts in. “Like, I’ve been late before. All the time now, actually. Every month for seven months, late, late, and, you know, negative test results, then bam—a period. But I mean, it’s later than normal this time. And my boobs hurt and I’m nauseous, but not in the morning, I’m nauseous at night. Like right now I feel like I could puke in the gutter with all the boozies, and my feet hurt and I just cry at nothing and everything—”

“Liz!” I gasp, trying to contain my sudden grin. Forget our stupid fight. This is what she’s wanted for so so long, and she just might be…

She widens her eyes and points at me accusingly, as if my joy is utterly blasphemous.

“No! It doesn’t mean anything. I
can’t
think that it’ll mean something. There are other reasons for it. PMS makes boobs hurt and emotions run wild, and I just can’t do another month of hoping and thinking that no period means a baby and then have nothing but one line on that damn test, and I can’t look at Landon again and tell him that there’s nothing in there but an empty uterus and a broken egg, and I don’t want to go through it anymore, I don’t want to, I don’t…”

I pull her into my arms, my shoulder muffling her sobs. After she moved to California, I felt sorry for myself, wishing she were here for me, but now all I wish is that I’d been there for her. She’d only briefly touched on the subject of trying to start a family, and never mentioned the heartbreaking disappointment she felt every month when she pulled a negative pregnancy test. She’d always joked about it, saying that she’d just get to try more sex in the upcoming month. I should’ve known there was something she was hiding underneath the optimism.

“Go home,” I tell her. She sniffs and pulls back.

“I’m fine. Just emotional.”

“Go home and take a test. If there’s no baby this time, it doesn’t mean there won’t ever be, okay?”

“What about Alec? And that bitch about to steal your man?”

“I got this.”

I don’t. I think I’ve lost my mind, to be honest, and who knows what other covert shenanigans I’ll get up to tonight. Each attempt is only making me more and more desperate to keep those two apart. My feet are itching to run around the corner to the front of the club so that I can find them and follow them somewhere else.

She lets out a long sigh, cringing at an enthusiastic drinker leaning against the building, close to passing out or throwing up. “Promise you’ll keep fighting for your moment?” she asks. “Don’t let her take him from you.”

I nod defiantly, though I’m wondering in the back of my mind if he’s really mine at all. Then a wave of confidence washes the momentary self-doubt away as I remember our last night together, the one I’ve tried to relive every free minute I get. Alec’s mine. I’m his. He just doesn’t know it yet.

I get Liz into a cab and send her to the train station. Then I call Liz’s phone to let Landon know she’s on her way home and he might want to be there. When I click off, I notice a guy smoking an e-cigarette, leaning against the limousine, staring right at me. He seems to be the only sober person in the vicinity, with the exception of the cabdrivers. He doesn’t fit the bill for a chauffeur, but he’s leaning against the limo like he’s waiting to drive someone around. He gives me the classic guy head bob, and I get ready to put as much distance as possible between us.

“Hey, hold up,” he says, clicking off his cigarette and tucking it into his pocket.

“Sorry, I’m taken,” I throw over my shoulder, not slowing my pace. I’m not in the mood to talk to another somebody I don’t know.

“Yeah, I heard.” He pushes off from the limo. “That’s what I want to talk to you about. You want to sabotage this date he’s on, yeah? And it looks like you just lost your co-conspirator.”

I stop, raising a skeptical eyebrow at him. “Who the hell are you?”

He smirks, sticking a hand out. “Sorry, manners aren’t a specialty of mine. My name’s Jackson.”

“Theresa.” I shake his hand. “But you still haven’t really answered my question.”

“I’m Jackson, Rian’s personal chauffeur.” His eyes crinkle at the corners as he tilts his head toward the sweet ride behind him. “And I’m absolutely in love with her. Feel like hiring a replacement co-saboteur?”