Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4) (32 page)

We stood on the bridge staring at each other for a second, possibly a few minutes, maybe several hours. Time seemed to blend together as much as his drugs did.

I was the first to break the silence.

“Austin, I'm fucking exhausted. You have no idea what I go through every single day in this life with you. I don’t remember when I had a good night’s sleep. You disappear for days at a time. I don’t know whether you’re alive or dead in an alley somewhere. Every bad thought runs through my head. I question everything. Especially, what the fuck I’m still doing here trying to save a man that obviously doesn’t want to be saved. I sit here putting my life on hold, waiting for you to walk through that damn door or worse, the cops knocking to tell me you’re dead,” I paused to let my words sink in.

“But you know what I keep telling myself… the man that’s standing in front of me right now is already dead, so why should I fucking worry myself sick.”

“Briggs—”

“I’m tired of you punishing me, Austin, for making the only choice I could.”

“I would have straightened out if you would have given me the chance. You saw me after I found the ultrasound photo. I would have stopped using the moment you told me. I would have been the man that you fell in love with. I would have—”

“For how long, Austin? How long until things got scary and you found solace in your drugs again?”

His eyes glazed over, understanding what I said.

“And what if I died, Austin? It happens everyday, all around us. What if something happened to me? Would you relapse or would you stay clean for our baby? Would you be the man that takes our child to a drug party? Huh? Leaving him or her at a table to fend for herself? Tell me, since you have clearly proven that you can’t handle emotional distress. You numb—”

“That’s not true,” he said through a clenched jaw.

“Really? What part? What happened after you found out about what I did? Is that not enough proof for you? You ran straight for the drugs, only this time it was the worst kind. How about Savannah’s funeral? How fucked up were you for that? Hmm? Want more? How about since your car accident?”

“I was taking pain pills for my back,” he gritted out.

I scoffed, “Ten to what? Thirty a day? How many do you have to take for your back not to hurt, Austin?”

His eyes widened, taken aback.

“You’ve been numbing your pain since you were eighteen. It’s been ten years. Ten fucking years, Austin! It’s all that you know anymore. Now, tell me… how would you deal with something happening to me? What is the first thing you would do? What is the first thing you would turn to?”

He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. Not one word. He reached his hand up to rub the back of his neck, looking away from me.

“Exactly. Let me see how accurately my guess is. I think you’d let our kid stay with my uncle when you decided you needed to go on a binge. He’d be the perfect babysitter, seeing as you don’t talk to your friends or family at all. Or you’d skip the babysitter all together and be like Molly’s dad. Subjecting our child to drugs. You’re still dealing. Working for my uncle. Not as much because you’ve become a goddamn junkie. The life you promised me, the reason that you started doing this in the first place… is long gone. So, you tell me? What fucking choice did I have?”

His chest was rising and falling with every word that left my mouth, battling against his own reality. The wind picked up at that moment, causing chills to run throughout my body.

“I’m done having you punish me. The burden I’m already carrying is more than I will ever be able to bear. Ever,” I stated, accenting the last word. “I love you, Austin, but I can't watch you kill yourself. It’s the drugs or it’s me. You can’t have both anymore. It’s your choice. Your only choice. But if you don’t choose me, then fucking jump off this ledge because all you’re doing is prolonging the inevitable.”  

It literally killed me to say that to him. I stood there on pins and needles, waiting for my entire life that was standing before my eyes, to choose me.

To choose his girl.

His Heaven instead of his Hell.

His internal struggle was written clear across his tormented expression. He swallowed hard turning to walk over to the railing, and for a split second I thought I was going to watch the love of my life jump to his fate. His hands tightly gripped the wires as if they had all the answers for him.

“You don’t fucking get it, Daisy. It’s the only time I see
her
,” he rasped.

He hadn’t called me that since he learned the truth of what I did. My heart soared for the first time in a year.

“See who, Austin?”

“Our baby.”

“What are—”

“When I found out… that night…” he stuttered, not being able to say it. “I saw her. Through the haze. She was there. She has your eyes, Briggs. Your dad’s eyes. The only time I see her is when I stick a needle in my arm,” he scoffed out.

“Oh my God,” I breathed out.

He bowed his head, releasing a deep sigh. “I’m scared, baby. I’m so fucking scared,” he confessed, looking at the traffic below us.

I immediately went to him, turning his body around to face me. Grabbing the sides of his face so he would look at me, like he had done so many times to me.

“I don’t know how to not be high anymore. It’s who I am now, Daisy. I don’t want to stop seeing our baby girl either.”

“I’ll be there every step of the way. We will do this together. I promise I won’t leave your side.”

“When I’m high I get to see the life we could have had. The life I promised you. It’s the only time I’m happy. It’s the only time I don’t feel the guilt over everything that’s become of
us
. Everything I’ve done. The hurt and pain I’ve caused you.”

“I know. I’m scared too, Austin. But I know in my heart.” I placed my hand over the scar near his heart. “I know you’re still in here. Buried deep within the pain that you keep masking with the drugs. The excuses you’re making to continue on your downward spiral, that’s only going to lead you nowhere but six feet under. I don’t want that. Please… don’t make me bury someone else I love. Please… don’t leave me alone. I need…” I said, my voice breaking. “We can make that dream a reality without the drugs… We can still have that life.”

“What if I’m not that person anymore? What if the man that you love so fucking much is gone, baby? What if I can’t reach deep enough to find him anymore?”

“I love every single part of you. The good and the bad. Do you hear me?”

“I’m sorry, Daisy. I know I say it all the fucking time. But I’m so fucking sorry. For everything I have put you through. You’re still the only thing that matters to me.”

“No. I’m not. Your drugs are, but that’s why I brought you here. To save you.”

“I hate myself. I hate what I’ve done to us. To you. To our love. I hate that I made you feel like you didn’t have a choice when you got pregnant. Having a baby, a family, a life with you… it’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t know how I lost my way. I don’t know how the drugs took over. I ask myself that every single day with no answers, with no excuses. I have nothing but the syringe that I keep injecting into my arms. Chasing the dragon down the rabbit hole that only takes me further and further away from you. It just takes away the pain.”  

“Austin, I can’t help you unless you want to be helped. I can’t do this for you.”

“I can’t lose you. I’m nothing without you.” He caressed the side of my cheek, and I leaned into his embrace.

Soaking up his warmth.

His love.

His truth.

That I hadn’t felt in so long.

“I don’t want to go to rehab. I just need you. That’s all. I can do this at home with you by my side.”

I nodded, smiling.

He caught my expression in the air and placed it near his heart. He hadn’t done that in years.

And for the first time, it gave me hope that everything was going to be okay.

“Please… please… please… baby… just give me one hit to take the edge off… just one fucking hit… I’m dying, Briggs… I feel like I’m fucking dying…” Austin wailed.

Two days went by, but it felt more like an eternity. I hated seeing him in so much pain. The withdrawals crippling him in ways I never thought were possible.

“Baby… just let me have a taste… just a taste… it hurts… it fucking hurts…” he slurred, grinding his teeth and shaking to the core.

It didn’t matter if I put three layers of blankets on him, he couldn’t stop shivering. His body was convulsing and he was in and out between hot and cold sweats.

I was sitting on the bed with my back against the headboard. Austin’s head was on my lap, his arms securely wrapped around my waist. He was sweating profusely as if he had just stood in the pouring rain. His body trembling so hard that it vibrated the entire bed.

I was lightly rubbing his head, trying my best to ease his discomfort. Anytime I touched any other place on his body he said my skin felt like daggers against his sensitive flesh.

That stung my heart, but I knew it was the withdrawals talking.

“Baby! Please, please! I’m fucking dying! It hurts… everything fucking hurts… please, just a taste,” he groaned in pure agony, punching his legs from the intense muscle spasms.

Arching his back then contracting into a ball like a possessed man.

“Austin… shhh… you’re okay… you’re okay… come on… I know… baby…” I soothed the best I could, knowing it didn’t mean anything.

“I’m going to get a cold rag, okay? I’ll be right—”

“No! Don’t leave me!” he panicked.

He wouldn’t let me out of his sight, no matter what I said. We had moved from the couch to the bathroom where he laid with his head on my lap on the tile floor for the first few hours, throwing up constantly once the drugs wore off. At one point I just sat him against the bathtub to let him puke in there. His body was so weak he couldn’t crawl to the toilet. I don’t know how he still had shit coming up.

I was in and out of consciousness, not wanting to leave him alone, although his physical distress wouldn’t allow me to anyway.

I used to lie awake counting the freckles and scars on his arms that he always laid across me. Holding me tight against his body. Now I counted the tracks on them, which were almost physically impossible to see under his tattooed sleeves. All the colors, shadings, and inks covering what our reality had become for the last year.  

Austin hadn’t slept at all, the extreme pain keeping him from being able to drift off. Insomnia set in fast and with no remorse, keeping him wide awake to feel every ounce of withdrawal. His body was craving the drugs that it had been living on for years. I knew opiate and heroin were the worst withdrawals. I just never imagined that watching it would kill me as much as the drugs were killing him.

Terrified he wouldn’t make it through the night.

And the addiction would win.

It was like that for two more days. Same old shit just a different day. Both of us were so fucking exhausted. I was able to get him to eat some crackers and drink some water, and for the most part it stayed down. He had no energy. Even when I would help him walk around our apartment for a few minutes every few hours just to get his muscles to move. It seemed to help with the cramping and spasms.

By the fifth day it looked like we were passed the worst. I saw light at the end of the tunnel again.

At least physically.

Mentally he was so out of it, but I knew a big part of it was from him not sleeping. I crushed up two sleeping pills in his water without him knowing and even that took several hours to finally kick in.

I took a hot shower for the first time since we got home from the bridge. I stayed in there letting the hot water drown out my sorrows. Trying to cling on to hope, praying to God we would make it through this.

That
he
would make it through this.

Austin took the first step by flushing every last drug we had in the apartment down the toilet. He was fine for like twelve hours before the withdrawal crept in slowly then it just took the fuck over.

I had never seen that many emotions take over a person’s body before. Why anyone would do this to themselves was beyond me. I just prayed that the pain was enough to keep Austin sober.

Enough to keep his demons at bay.

One thing was for sure, there was no way we could stay in this apartment, possibly even New York. There was no way we could continue this lifestyle and Austin make it out alive. At that point in time, my uncle never questioned what the fuck was going on, but he had to assume. Austin hadn't been around or answering his phone. I would be lying if I said it didn’t shock me that he just didn’t show up at our apartment demanding to know what was going on.

I placed my memory blanket on top of Austin, careful not to wake him. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand and went outside, leaving the balcony door cracked in case he woke up.

It rang two times before he answered.

“I’ve been expecting your call,” Uncle answered.

I took a deep breath. “Hello to you too, Uncle.”

“How is he?”

Shaking my head in disgust. I scoffed out, “You knew?”

“Briggs, there’s very little I don’t know when it comes to my fucking business, and even then, I always find out.”

“And you still had him dealing? Even though you knew? What the fuck is wrong with you? When are you going to start—?”

He completely ignored my questions. “He’s a grown-ass man. I’m not his keeper—”

“You were mine. But seeing as you did such an amazing job of raising me, I guess I couldn’t expect any less.”

I shook my head, once again disappointed by the turn in events.

“Tell me, Uncle… if you didn’t want me, then why did you take me in? Why not just leave me in foster care? My parents didn’t have a will. It’s not like you were obligated. So, why? Why go through all the trouble and burden to raise me if you didn’t want me?” I asked for the first time, needing the answer to the question that consumed my very being since the day he brought me back to his penthouse.

“We’re family, Briggs. You’re my niece whether you want to be or not. No matter what you think of me, I would never turn my back on my family. Ever,” he spoke with conviction.

“You have a very deluded sense of the word family, Uncle.”

“I raised you the only way I knew how,” he rasped out almost in a sad tone I’d never heard before, causing me to jerk back from the sudden emotion in his voice.

“Do you even love me?” I blurted, raising my eyebrows as soon as the question left my mouth.

He didn’t falter. “I loved your mother, and you’re a part of her,” he simply stated.

“I stopped trying to understand you fucking decades ago. But if you want to finally do something for me, then you’ll let us go. If he has any chance of living a normal life, I need to get him out of here. Away from you.”

Silence.

“Please… please… Uncle.”

I would beg him on my hands and knees if I needed to.

“You will always be my niece, Briggs, and I will always be your uncle… in any life you choose,” he forewarned and immediately hung up before I had the chance to say anything.

I didn’t give it anymore thought, walking back into the apartment I looked over at a sleeping Austin.

Finally feeling hopeful.