Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4) (26 page)

“I knew that she was sick, and I wish I could have been back sooner. I would give anything right now to talk to her one last time. It's no one’s fault but my own. I found out this morning that she had lost her battle with cancer. I never thought she wouldn’t make it.” I cleared my throat, rubbing the back of my neck before putting my hands in my pockets, trying to keep my voice from breaking. “She was one of the strongest women I have ever known. I grew up with Lucas and the rest of the boys, including our Half-Pint.”

Alex smiled at me, her eyes gathering with tears.

“Savannah was like a mom to us all. It’s just who she was.” I shrugged. “One of the best memories I have with her was when I was eight. Savannah made all of our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costumes for Halloween. Alex was Splinter, our sensei." I chuckled, nodding to her. "Savannah had spent over a week making those costumes. They were all sold out at the stores by the time we stopped arguing who would be what Ninja Turtle. I was Leonardo. You know, the coolest one… he had swords."

Everyone laughed. The boys sat there shaking their heads at me. I smiled, remembering the memory as if it happened yesterday.

“It was Halloween, and we were playing in the lake. Jumping off the trees to land in the water. I always had to one up the boys. I was the youngest and the smallest back then. Alex begged me not to do it. She said she had a bad feeling, but I didn’t listen. I climbed the highest tree and ended up breaking my leg from landing wrong in a shallow area and hitting the bottom hard. After getting yelled at by Alex first, of course. Then the boys. Then my parents. Then the boy’s parents…” I scoffed out a chuckle.

“I had to go to the emergency room, where we spent most of the night. The boys and Alex ended up going out trick or treating without me. Being eight years old, it was devastating that I missed it. The turtles weren't complete without the coolest one. When everyone came to visit me the next day to sign my cast, all they talked about was how much of a hit their costumes were and how much candy they got because of it. Except for Alex, she knew I was pretending like it didn’t bother me. That I wasn't upset that I missed out on it. Half-Pint always knows everything.”

The boys and I peered over at her. They all knew I was right.

“They went downstairs to eat lunch that my mom made for us. Savannah brought mine up to my room for me. When she came in, I was upset. I was just so sad that I didn’t get to go trick or treating with everyone. When I told her that, she promised she wouldn’t tell the boys. I remember clear as day as if she was standing right in front of me, right now… She said, ‘We will go trick or treating tonight.’ I looked at her like she had five heads explaining to her that it was yesterday and it was a once a year thing. I don’t know how she did it but she managed to pull it off. She made some phone calls and ended up cutting a slit in the pants of my costume so my cast could fit.”

Everyone was crying including Briggs. I was holding back tears as well, bowing my head to keep them from coming out.

“That’s just the kind of woman she was. And I’m going to miss her very much. I loved her like she was my second mother, and I will regret for the rest of my life… that I didn’t get to say goodbye.” I steadied my composure before I looked back up.

Locking eyes with my parents.

He lied to me.

He fucking lied to me.

I cried along with everyone else when he was making his speech. My heart broke for him, but that didn't change the fact that he lied to me.

He had a family…

He had friends…

I watched them from the corner of the room before Austin gave his speech. It looked like they were exchanging heated words, but that didn’t even matter. I could still see the love behind their eyes. The brotherhood they had.

The more he told his story, his memory, his love for a woman who wasn’t even his real mother. The more I realized how much he really did have waiting back at home for him.

He had the childhood I dreamt about, the friendships that I craved, the parents I cried for.

The love I never had.

I left our plates filled with food by the trays not bothering to take it back to our table. I went to the bathroom, pacing back and forth. There was no place for me to go to be alone. The restaurant was packed with people that loved him. He had so much love out there, yet he ran away from it all.

I wanted to fucking scream.

At him.

At myself.

I would have never taken him with me two years ago. I would have never introduced him to this life if I knew he had a home. People who fucking loved him. The guilt was eating me alive and swallowing me whole with no remorse or absolution.

I took a few deep breaths, splashed some water on my face, patted it dry and glanced at myself one last time before walking back into his life.

A life that I didn’t belong in.

“Oh, Austin. It’s so good to see my boy.”

I stopped dead in my tracks, staying behind the wall.

“It’s good to see you too, Ma,” Austin replied.

I placed my hand on my forehead, leaning my head against the wall. I wasn’t ready to listen to this conversation, but it was as if my feet were glued to the goddamn floor.

“Hey, Pop,” Austin added in a strained tone.

He had parents that loved him too.

We were nothing alike. I thought he was an orphan like me. I thought we were one in the same. He had everything I always wanted.

“Look at you. Where’s my blue-eyed boy?” his mom asked, her voice laced with nothing but love for him.

“He’s behind all the tattoos that have now ruined his life even more.”

I winced with his dad’s response. I was to blame for that too. I couldn’t stand around and listen any longer. I pushed off the wall and walked out to the patio, finding a secluded spot toward the side. If it were up to me, I would stay there until we left. I couldn’t stand being around his truths any longer. All it did was add to the lie that he told me.

The lie he made me believe.

Two years, two fucking years I’d been with him. Not once had he mentioned a home. The family who loved him. Waiting for him to come back home instead of wasting his life away with me.

His future.  

I watched Austin's friend Lucas walk out onto the beach. I could see him, but he couldn’t see me. It was his mom that passed away. He stared out at the ocean like he wanted to disappear into the night. Let the waves take him under instead of his emotions. He looked so broken and lost. I remembered feeling that exact same way at my parents’ funeral.

It was like your mind and heart were running away but your body was standing in place.

With nowhere to go.

“God, when was the last time we were all together like this?” the girl, Alex asked, pulling me away from my thoughts as she walked out onto the beach to stand next to Lucas.

“Three years,” Austin answered, walking up behind her, gently tugging her hair.

The other two boys, Dylan and Jacob quickly followed. They all stood together, each one of them appeared as if they were fighting their own demons. Their own plaguing thoughts.

Especially Austin.

“It’s been too fucking long,” Jacob chimed in, pulling Alex to his side.

“Jesus… look at those kids surfing. It seems like just yesterday that was us out there,” Dylan reminisced, looking at the water with the same sense of longing I felt for Austin, even though he was only a few feet away from me.

“How have we let three years go by without all of us being together? We used to spend every second together,” Dylan added. 

“I know,” Alex breathed out. “I can’t tell you how much I miss you boys. God… Austin, it’s so good to freaking see you.” She strolled from Jacob to him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

Austin kissed the top of her head. “It’s nice to be home.”

Hearing Austin say those words was like taking a knife to the heart.
Home
. I thought I was his home. The longer I sat there out of sight, the more I realized I didn’t know Austin at all. Not like his friends did. It was like he was living a double life.

And I was the outsider looking in.

The boys left, leaving just him and Alex alone together. They sat on the beach in easy silence for a few minutes. Austin pulled her to his side with his arm wrapped around her as she laid her head on his shoulder. Exactly the way he had done to me so many damn times I’d lost count.

I loved being wrapped in his arms. I’d never felt so safe. Alex looked so comfortable, so at ease in his arms. As if she spent most of her childhood there.

The way they looked at each other.

The way they talked to each other.

There was familiarity in his gaze when he peered at her. As if he was staring at me. I recognized it immediately. 

At that exact moment I realized why Austin hadn’t ever said I love you to me. The truth was playing out in front of me, unfolding before my very own eyes. The home that I built with him out of a deck of cards was crumbling down on me.

He didn't love me...

He. Loved. Her.

I got up.

And left.

After talking to Alex on the beach, catching up on the last three years, I walked back into the restaurant looking for Briggs. She was nowhere to be found. I checked everywhere, even leaning my head into the women's bathroom calling her name.

I walked back out into the main dining area.

“Austin,” Mom coaxed, grabbing my arm to stop me. “Please, honey, don’t listen to your father. You look good.” She placed her hand on the side of my face. “Handsome. Very handsome. You've done a lot of growing up, haven't you?”

After my dad spewed his venom, I walked away from them. The last thing I wanted to do was start a fight at Savannah's funeral. It wasn't the time or place.

“How are you? From your postcards it seems like you have been all over the world traveling.”

I nodded, searching the room for Briggs again.

“With that girl?”

Mom pulled my attention back to her. “Her name is Briggs, Ma.”

She lovingly smiled. “I’m so happy you’re home. We can—” I put my hand up, stopping her.

“I’m only here for the funeral. My home is in New York now. With Briggs.”

She raised her eyebrows. “New York? Are you going to—”

I shook my head no, knowing what she was about to say. “I’m not going to college. I work. I make good money. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m happy. Happier than I’ve ever been.”

“As long as you’re happy. That’s all that has ever mattered to me. Your father—”

“I don’t want to talk about him, Ma. I’ll try to keep in touch more, I promise. It’s good to see you. I’ve missed you.”

“I love you, Austin. No matter what.”

“I love you, too.”

She kissed my cheek and made her way back to my father’s side. We locked eyes from across the room for a few seconds before he shook his head and continued his conversation with Dylan’s dad.

I couldn’t find Briggs anywhere. I pulled out my cell phone, calling her number. It went straight to voicemail.

“The fuck?” I said to myself.

I looked out at the patio and around the beach. Going back into the restaurant to look around one last time. I told Dylan, Jacob, and Alex I was heading out. Dylan asked me if I was staying around for a bit, and I told him probably not. He nodded in understanding and Half-Pint hugged me again, whispering in my ear not to be a stranger. I nodded.

I called Briggs again while I was in the cab and it went straight to voicemail again. Which only added to my frustration on where the fuck she went.

I walked into our hotel room, starting to panic.

“Briggs?” I yelled out to no avail, looking around the room.

That's when I noticed the sliding glass door to the balcony was cracked open. I found her sitting out there, blankly staring at the ocean.

“What the fuck, babe? I’ve been looking all over for you. Your phone is going straight to fuckin’ voicemail. Why would you leave me like that?”

She didn't even look up at me when she whispered, “You looked fine to me, Austin. I left you with your friends and family. Where you belong.”

“Baby…” I coaxed, moving her chair that she was sitting in to crouch down in front of her on the balls of my feet. “Let me explain.”

She cocked her head to the side. “Explain what? That you’re a fucking liar. That you have lied to me for over two years now.”

“I would never lie to you,” I simply stated.

She looked me dead in the eyes. “I recall you saying ‘I don’t have anything to go home to.’ Sound familiar?”

“I don’t.”

“Then we have two very different definitions to that statement, Austin.”

“Briggs, listen to me. My family, my friends and I… fuck… it’s complicated. What you saw today... There’s a lot you don’t know.”

“No shit.”

I jerked back. “It’s not like you’ve been a patent of fucking honesty, Briggs. Or should I call you Daisy Martinez. Your uncle might appreciate that," I snapped.

“My name is Daisy Mitchell. Not Martinez. He was my mom’s brother.”

“Was?”

She scoffed. “Yeah, Austin. Was… You want to share sad stories? I’ll go first. I’m a fucking orphan. The only reason I didn’t tell you Martinez was my uncle is because I didn’t want you to stop looking at me the way you do. You haven't looked at me the same since you found out. You don’t know this life. You don’t know what I’ve seen. What he’s capable of. When people realize that I’m related to him, it changes the way they look at me. The way they treat me. The way they act around me. You really think a woman would have been respected the way I was if they didn’t know I was his niece.”

I took a deep breath, knowing she was right.

“I’ve lived a very fucked up life. My parents were killed in a car accident when I was six. I still dream about their dead bodies in the car. I still see all the blood, their bodies mangled, glass shattered everywhere. I still remember the last thing I told them, telling them I hated them.”

A single tear fell down her face. I just sat there shocked as shit with what she had just revealed, knowing she wasn't even done yet. Never in a million years did I expect her to say those things.

She held it together, never once making me think she was that broken over the last two years.

“I still hear my own voice, yelling at them, begging them to hold me. To comfort me. Pleading with them to wake up. Not understanding why they wouldn’t. I still remember waking up in a hospital next to me a man I’d never met before. A man with cold, dark eyes and no soul with an expensive suit. A man who never held me, never told me he loved me, never consoled me when I woke up screaming in the middle of the night.”

Her tears fell freely now, one right after the other.

“The first time I saw someone murdered, it was on my fifteenth birthday. It was my uncle’s gift to me. What a sick fuck right? He killed the driver of the car that took away my life. Right in front of my eyes. His blood is on my hands now. To this day I still feel his brains and skull all over me,” she wept, her breathing becoming erratic.

“Baby.” I reached out for her, and she harshly pushed me away.

“Oh come on, Austin… I’m just sharing my sad story. It’s what you’ve always wanted, right? For me to tell you my truths,” she bellowed, her voice breaking with each word.

“Esteban was my only friend, and he wasn’t even a friend. He was paid to protect me. He took my virginity, the same night my uncle took the little bit of innocence I had left.”

“Jesus Christ,” I breathed out.

“My uncle found us. He beat him within an inch of his life. His men dragged him out of the room. For the last five years I didn’t even know if he was dead or alive. I’ve been a Martinez since that night. Daisy Mitchell died with her parents in the car.”

She shook her head, willing away the memories. Knowing it was no use. They were etched in her soul as much as my scars were carved on my skin.

“Your favorite tattoo, Austin… I got it done a month after I became a Martinez. I dropped out of school and started dealing drugs. I saw the world through his eyes. And I fucking hated it. I walked into the parlor already knowing what I wanted. I had it all drawn out. The pin up girl, Austin, it’s me. I have an angel and devil on my shoulders. My uncle and my mom,” she bawled.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I immediately pulled her into my arms, holding her as tight as I could. Trying to keep her heart from breaking into pieces right in front of me.

“Shhh…” I murmured. “Shhh… You will never be alone again. You won’t ever be scared again. I’m here, baby, and I’m not going anywhere. We’re best friends, remember?” I added, trying to lighten the mood.

She shook her head, pulling away from me. Looking deep in my eyes.

“You have enough best friends, Austin. I witnessed your relationships today. So don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“Briggs, I—”

“How long, Austin?”

I frowned, not understanding what she was implying.

She didn’t falter.

“How long have you been in love with your best friend? How long have you been in love with Alex?”