Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4) (25 page)

It had been three days since we flew back to New York and we had yet to talk about what happened in Columbia. To be completely honest, we barely talked at all. I was still pissed about the situation and how everything went down. The fact that she never fucking told me that Martinez was her uncle. Not that I ever asked, but who the hell would ask something like that. It never even crossed my mind to find out anything about him.

He was irrelevant.

The signs were all there. I just didn’t pick up on them. That pissed me off more than anything.

I was too caught up trying to find out her real name.

As luck would have it Martinez was in Colombia because Hector had personally asked for Briggs to take the meeting. Which had never happened before. Martinez had a feeling and that was why he set it up in his warehouse. If shit went down, he would know about it. Briggs was never in danger.

I wanted to ask her all sorts of damn questions, but she seemed so fucking lost in her own head. As if she didn’t know what to do with her life now. Like her uncle had taken everything away from her. I finally realized that this wasn’t just a job for her.

This was her life.

It was all she’d ever known.

She barely talked to me other than small banter about what I wanted to eat for dinner and meaningless conversations, never addressing the elephant in the room. She hadn’t smiled or laughed once since we arrived back in New York.

It was killing me not seeing her face light up. The only time I felt close to her in the last few days was when we were in bed. She still let me hold her every night.

I woke up from a bad dream about my family. I never dreamt about them. It was the worst feeling, the worst fucking anxiety and I didn’t know why. I summed it up to being worried about Briggs and overwhelmed with everything that had gone down recently.

When Briggs left the apartment that morning to go grab the mail from the mailroom, I found myself grabbing her computer. Every once in a while I would check the online Oak Island newspaper and something told me that I needed to.

I clicked it.

After three years of being gone, there before my very own eyes was the headline news.

Savannah Ryder, beloved wife of Dr. Robert Ryder, esteemed member of the community dies at age forty-nine, losing her four-year long battle to breast cancer.

My heart dropped.

I couldn’t fucking breathe.

The ground beneath me swallowed my body whole.

She will be laid to rest at noon today at the…

I immediately shut the laptop unable to keep staring at the truth that was blatantly in front of my eyes. I don’t know how long I stood there with my emotions bleeding out of me. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t get to say goodbye to a woman who had raised me like her own.

A woman I was proud to call a second mom.

I wished I had kept in touch with her. I hadn’t felt homesick up to that point, but the news hit me hard. It was a reality slap that made me doubt some of my choices.

I couldn’t stop the tears that formed in my eyes. The pain in my heart was ripping at my soul and eating me alive.

I faintly heard Briggs open the door and walk in with the mail, it was like I was there but I wasn’t. The emotions crippling me in ways I had never experienced before, not even after the accident. The guilt was too much to bear.

“Hey, I'm going to make some food. Did you want—“ She stopped dead in her tracks, taking in my appearance. “Austin…” she coaxed, walking toward me. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Our eyes locked.

I didn’t have a chance to register her face. I just pushed off the island and walked past her to grab my suitcase. Throwing it on the bed, grabbing random shit from my closet.

“Austin, are you leaving me?”

Her worried tone snapped me out the chaos surrounding me that was taking me under.

“Never,” I simply stated. “Baby, grab some shit. We got to go.”

“Go? Go where? What are you talking about? You’re scaring me, Austin.”

I didn’t falter. “Home. I got to go home.”

Her head jerked back, stunned by my revelation. I told her I had no one to go home to, and I knew that was one of the reasons she agreed to let me come with her in the first place.

We never talked about my past.

Not my parents.

Not the boys.

Not even Alex.

They didn't exist in my new life. Out of sight, out of mind for the most part. Which was about to come back and bite me in the fucking ass.

There I was about to take her home to my truths, the ones I had been running away from for the last three years. At that moment, in that second, I didn’t care about the repercussions that would follow from her learning my reality.

I needed her.

More now than I ever had before. She was my rock, my reason. The one thing that was constant in my life.

There was no way in hell I could do this without her.

She was all that mattered to me.

“Home? I thought—”

“Baby, we don’t have time for this. We need to go if we’re going to make it.”

“Make it? What exactly are we making? Are you on something right now? You’re not making any sense,” she asked even more confused.

“The funeral.”

Her eyes widened.

I shook my head, walking back to the closet to change into some black slacks and a black collared, button-down shirt.

“Baby, please…” I urged as I was throwing my slacks on, not looking at her but feeling her stare.

There would be too much hurt evident on her face, and I was already feeling that enough deep within my core. I watched her finally move, going into the closet to change and pack some clothes.

It didn’t take us long to get to airport. I broke so many traffic laws on our way there, I just wanted to board that plane and get there. I was lucky enough to find us tickets on a flight departing within the hour. I wasn’t taking any chances. We didn’t talk the entire two-hour flight, but at one point she reached over and held my hand. Still intently staring out the window from her seat. As soon as the seat belt light turned off, I got up to use the bathroom on the plane. Feeling sick to my fucking stomach with what I was about to walk into.

I grabbed the Oxy’s from my pocket crushing them up on the small metal counter with a credit card. I didn’t want to feel any of the shit that was going on around me.

It was like I was drowning in the deep end of a pool that had no water.

I. Couldn’t. Fucking. Breathe.

The agony I felt was more severe than any pain in my back could ever be. I rolled up a bill and snorted the contents up my nose, not wanting to wait more than I had to for them to kick in and numb the pain.

It was alive and thriving all around me.

We landed at ten-thirty, getting to the hotel by almost eleven-thirty where we checked in and left our luggage to be taken up to our room. By the time we hailed a cab, it was well after noon.

We were late.

“Daisy,” I murmured, staring out the window of the taxi.

I never called her that. I could see her glancing at me in the reflection on the glass. Worry written clear across her beautiful face.

“I would never intentionally hurt you. Please remember that.”

She opened her mouth to say something but quickly shut it, looking back out her window. We weren’t more than a foot apart in the backseat, but it felt like miles of distance were placed between us.

Physically and mentally.

We pulled up to the cemetery around one. I paid the driver, and we got out of the car. It was the moment of truth. My heart was pounding out off my fucking chest. I grabbed Briggs' hand, needing to feel her.

The funeral was over but there were still people scattered around. I didn’t pay attention to anyone, too focused on the grave that we were walking toward. Grabbing a single rose from one of the several floral arrangements, I finally made my way to her grave.

I bowed my head, closing my eyes. The pills weren’t working. I don't think the strongest drugs in the world could touch the pain in my heart at that moment. I still felt everything.

I hunched over, my legs unable to support my crumbling body. I delicately placed the rose above the engraved beloved mother, burying my face in my hands. I had no idea how long I stayed like that with my grief spilling out of me. Briggs' hands placed on my back, gently rubbing back and forth trying to comfort me.

Not saying a word, not asking any questions, just being there for me in my time of need.

I could have been kneeling there for a minute or an hour. Time seemed to standstill but the pain seemed to keep going on all around me.

I wiped my face before I stood. Briggs grabbed my hand as I locked eyes with Lucas who was maybe thirty feet away. His gaze took me in, no longer the boy I was when I left. Now a man covered in tattoos with more guilt to add to his never-ending list.

“Austin,” Alex called out, running towards me.

I smiled for the first time in three fucking days, turning toward her voice. I let go of Briggs hand, catching Alex in my arms.

“Half-Pint,” I greeted, immediately picking her up off her feet, swinging her side-to-side.

It felt so damn good to hold her.

“It’s so good to see you,” she wept, still hugging me tight.

“Shhh… don’t cry," I whispered in her ear.

“I know it’s just been a really rough few weeks.”

I nodded, feeling even more like a piece of shit for not being here for her.

I placed her back down to the ground, wrapping my arm around Briggs' waist, who suddenly seemed frozen in place. I was sure this was all too overwhelming for her.

“Alex, this is my girlfriend Briggs. Briggs this is one of my best friends, Alex.”

Half-Pint smiled, shaking Briggs' hand who still hadn’t said a word.

“Everyone is going to be so happy to see you,” Alex said.

“Everyone?” Briggs chimed in, talking for the first time since I told her we were going to a funeral.

“Of course. His family and friends have missed him all these years,” Alex unknowingly added.

I kissed Briggs’ cheek and tried to turn her chin towards me, but she snapped her head back. She wouldn't look at me, and that hurt more than anything.

We made our way toward Lucas where I realized that he still fucking hated me, maybe even more than ever before. I couldn’t blame him.

I hated myself more now too.

I still hadn’t seen my parents.

We went back to Alex’s parents’ restaurant. It was so fucking surreal. I never thought I’d be back here, at least not anytime soon. I exchanged hugs with Jacob and Dylan, catching up on random bullshit, almost like I had never left. We didn’t talk about the past or the last time we saw each other.

It was pointless. Too much had happened. In all of our lives.  

I introduced them to Briggs, but she didn’t say much, just nodded and shook the boy’s hands. She had barely said more than a handful of words the entire day, and I knew why. As much as I wanted to work it out with her right then and there, I couldn’t. She went to get us some food while everyone was sharing memories of Lucas’s mom on the stage where they usually had a live band playing.

The boys were all standing by the stage about to take their seats to listen to the rest of the eulogies. I was up next. I needed to say my peace and my official goodbye. I would forever regret not being able to give her a proper goodbye, I wish I could have seen her face one more time.

“You probably think this is my fucking karma, huh?” Lucas asked, when he saw me walking up to them.

“You gotta be shittin’ me right?” I replied, taken aback.

“Lucas, relax, it’s not the time—”

“What the fuck do you know, McGraw? Your mom’s not the one that’s six feet under,” Lucas interrupted with a look of disgust.

“She was a mom to us all,” I reminded.

“So much of a fucking mom to you that you’re just now showing up, right? Makes sense. Go up there, Austin. Make your speech. Should help with the guilt.” Lucas scoffed out.

“That’s enough,” Jacob ordered, only peering at him

“Speaking of guilt. How’s your kid Lucas?” I blurted, regretting it immediately. I shook my head disappointed in myself. “Fuck, man, I didn’t—”

He left, not giving me a chance to apologize.

“I didn’t mean that,” I informed, needing them to hear it anyway.

“We’re all hurting, Austin. You take it out on the ones you care about the most. He knows that,” Jacob said, patting my back.

I nodded, making my way to the stage. Everyone turned to look at me.

Briggs had already been staring at us for a while. Her eyes went from me to them, back to me again. I took a deep breath, trying to focus on why I was really there.