Crashing Back Down (15 page)

I sat up straight quick and jerky like rusty cogs on a wheel, breaking our eye contact, feeling braver that way. “Walker, we’re friends. I have no say in what or who you do, but don’t lie to me about it. I’m sorry I overreacted.”

I got up from the table, shuffling my feet over to finally pour myself coffee; hopefully the caffeine would take care of my throbbing head. I was hurt he would make up a story. I knew Walker better than he thought, and he never turned a girl down. I was relieved he hadn’t taken her out on a date, though; she was just a fuck buddy. For some reason, I felt like I would be more upset if he had had an emotional connection with the tramp.

I grabbed two mugs out of the cupboard, turned to Walker questioningly, and he nodded. I poured our cups full and turned to him. He walked over to the fridge and bent down to get the creamer. From the glow of the fridge lighting up his face, I could see tears streaks glistening down his cheek. His face was full of sorrow and anger, his jaw flexing and grinding aggressively. I couldn’t help but feel bad. I desperately wanted to know what his thoughts were and if they were as tangled and twisted as mine. He walked back over to the table and took a seat, trying to give me a failed half-smile. Seeing him this way forced longing to take over all of my emotions and rational thought.

He put his head in his hands and started to cry a little softer. “Mags, why the fuck would I lie to you?” The desperation in his voice made the words sink in, and I knew right then he hadn’t slept with her. I couldn’t help but be relieved.

Without thinking it through, I set our mugs down on the table, grabbed Walker’s shirt and pulled him up, I said softly, “I believe you,” and pulled him into as passionate of a kiss I could muster, grabbing both side of his face hard with my shaking hands.

It only took a second for Walker to register what was going on and pull me forcefully to him, one hand pressed up against my lower back, the other on the back of my neck. Walker effortlessly picked me up and brought me over to the couch. He lay down on top of me as I moaned into his mouth. My hands clutching onto his back and his hands tangled in my hair roughly; I could feel my heart rate rising, my skin hot with passion. I had turned off my brain, just allowing myself to savor the closeness of Walker and how fantastic a kisser he was.

When his tongue penetrated, barely a whisper against my own, I tasted the mixture of coffee and cream still lingering on his tongue. It was somehow erotic; a secret shared between us, only revealed when we made love with our mouths. I moaned against him and felt the vibrations of it run through his mouth and reverberate back to me in some sort of passionate sound wave.

Kissing and nibbling my bottom lip, his right hand travelled down my cheek, to my neck and then all the way to my hip bone. Grabbing onto me, firmly pressing his fingertips into the sensitive skin over my tattoo. I gasped and groaned into his mouth, arching my back and thrusting gently into him. Quickly, Walker flipped me on top of him and pushed me away, looking directly into my eyes. “Mags?” His breath caught as he stared panting, his bedroom eyes confused and lustfully longing.

I leaned down, kissing his neck and cheek softly. “Let’s just not think about it right now, okay?”

He grabbed my face with both hands, kissed me back, thrusting his hips up into mine, sent chills throughout my entire body. I let out a soft moan and let my hands travel up his white shirt, feeling his wonderfully defined stomach and chest. His body flexed and trembled at my touch as he pulled my shirt off over my head.

His own moan mixed with mine as I placed my hands on his hips and hoisted myself up his body, before finally wrapping my legs around his middle and rubbing my core against his growing erection.

Within moments, we were both completely exposed, panting and kissing. His warm lips travelled from my mouth to my jaw line, then to my neck and along my collarbone. I sighed with satisfaction at how wonderful it felt as he started to gently suck on my nipple, cupping my breath gently at the base with his warm hand. Walker looked up at me and smiled seductively as he pushed me off him, onto the other side of the couch and climbed back on top of me. He lightly ran his tongue over both of my breasts, sending goose bumps all over my skin.

Quickly he jumped to his feet, grabbing his pants. He whisked out a condom, unwrapped it and slid it over himself. He clambered back on top of me and whispered into my ear, “I have never wanted someone as badly as I want you, right now, Mags.” At his words, my body ached for more of his and I groaned into his mouth as I kissed him as deeply as my shaking lips would allow.

He started to grind himself into me, making me surge with pleasure. Right when he heard my response, he slipped his hand down onto my wetness, gently rubbing, making me arch my back into him more. I softly bit down onto his bare shoulder as he went faster and rougher with me, suddenly shoving his entire length inside me. I gasped at how tight I felt and how rough he was. I let out a faint squeak and he retracted, pulling up from me, making concerned eye contact his chest heaving with deep breaths. I quickly grabbed his body and pulled it back down, thrusting him back into me.

Even though it was a little painful, I found myself unable to let him stop. I forced him out for just a moment, to let myself calm down from his thrusting. Electricity ran through my body as I couldn’t help but desire more of him. My fingers slowly started to tease him as I felt his length throb in my hand. Realizing it was my body that did that to him sent even more excitement through me. At that moment all I wanted was this, and Walker inside me, again.

I grabbed him with one hand and pulled my hips to meet his. He moaned into me as I forced his length into my wetness. He gently started to get into a rhythm, knotting his fingers into my hair again, pulling my head back roughly. I grabbed his hips, digging my nails gently into his strong muscular physique and begged for him to get rougher with me. His eyes shot open, full of lust and desire as he obliged my very whim. Our bodies were completely in sync as we rode out our climaxes together, heavily gasping and groaning lustfully into each other.

Walker’s gloriously glistening body, covered in a thin layer of sweat, rolled over on the couch, pulling my head onto his shoulder to hold me close to him. As he looked at me to speak, I just held my finger over his mouth. “I don’t want to start over-analyzing this yet. Let’s just lay here for a few minutes, please?”

He nodded and turned his head away from me, closing his eyes. I nestled my head down onto his shoulder. His embrace was so inviting, I never wanted this moment to end. Within seconds, sleep washed over us both as we stayed cuddled on the couch.

I
was jostled awake by Walker’s body moving out from under mine. The feeling of his bare skin shoved my senses awake and I shot up, reaching for my shorts and pulling them back on, hastily. I jumped off the couch to find only Walker’s shirt in sight; quickly, I hauled it over my bare torso. Collapsing on the other end of the couch, holding myself tightly, feeling nauseated, I started to tremble. My mind raced as I fought to make sense of all the flooding emotions coursing through my body. Suddenly, my attention snapped over to Walker as he sat paralyzed, staring at me, his jaw flexing while he pulled his jeans up his thighs.

Replaying our passionate moments sent guilt stabbing into my heart. I felt like a cheater, a whore, and dirty.  Anger at my lustful actions and thoughts sugared up into my chest as I heaved and fumed. 

“What?” I barked. He just shrugged, his wide eyes fixated on mine. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I stood, trying to blink back the tears, screaming started to escape from my shredding throat. “Oh my God, I am so fucking sorry, Walker!”

I bolted for the stairs, but Walker’s arms wrapped around me, tightly and gently all at the same time. He forcefully pulled my entire body into him as he kissed the top of my hair. His voice was husky, still full of lustful passion. “Please stay. Talk to me.” I spun around to see his green eyes filled with tears, his expression crushed. His shoulders sagged while losing the grip on my torso; his eye contact broke to look out the window.

Anger rushed through my body. I didn’t know if I was madder for what I just instigated, or with Walker for allowing it to happen. “I don’t know what the fuck you want with me, Walker! I am so freaking messed up right now.”

Tears were flowing down my cheeks as he held me in a tight embrace, his eyes deep with sadness, grinding his teeth with frustration. I could see he was just as torn and tormented as I was. I longed to know what he was thinking, feeling, wanting, but he just stood motionless and silent.

“I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.” I barely could get the words out through the sobbing and shaking.

Walker’s strong arms picked me up and brought me back over to the couch where he sat me down on his lap. I was just thankful he had fastened his pants back on and I tried to let my body relax. All different emotions were assaulting me; lust, passion, hate, loneliness, disappointment, satisfaction. I didn’t know which one to start dealing with first. I couldn’t help but feel almost dirty, like I was cheating on Randy. Of course, that feeling was ridiculous because you can’t cheat on a dead person, but I just could not shake the feeling of it, or the shame of being another one of Walker’s sluts. At that thought, I felt my stomach churn into knots.

I forcefully shoved myself from Walker’s arms, retreating to the opposite side of the couch. Trembling, holding my knees tightly to my chest, I uncontrollably sobbed, keeping my eyes clenched shut so I would not have to see Walker’s crushed expression. The pain in his face sent daggers into me, further tangling into my thoughts. I wanted to run away and hold him all at the same time.

I tried to start stumbling through all of the different situations that were bothering me. The whore who had just left, missing Randy, being mad at Randy for leaving me, the feeling of being unfaithful, longing for Walker, hating how much I wanted him; all of it was attacking me, I couldn’t sort it out. Everything started to build, boiling up into physical exertion.

The next thing I knew, I was flying across the couch and slapping Walker across the face.  The loud smack crackled into the silent room as Walker rubbed his pink, stubble ridden jaw.  He narrowed his tear-filled eyes and raised his eyebrow at me. “Okay, you get just one of those, but what the hell, Mags? One minute you’re ripping off my clothes and the next you’re acting like you just shot the pope or something!”

I shot up off the couch, pulling at my hair while pacing around the living room.  “This is all just too goddamn much! First of all, you fucking hurt me by even bringing that skank here in the first place! If you want to be with me, you have a pretty messed up way of showing it! Do you even think or care about anyone other than yourself?”  I let of a growling scream, collapsing onto the floor, defiantly. 

When I finally gained control over myself again, I retreated back to the other side of the couch, staring at Walker’s cold and shallow expression. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he turned to me, his voice full of pain, “I didn’t mean to hurt you. If I ever thought …” He let the rest of the sentence linger in the air, making the tension that much thicker.

I turned to him, and found myself wrapping my hands over his. “I don’t know what the right thing to do is, Walker.” I let my head fall onto our entwined hands. Taking a deep breath, I made myself say the next words, fighting with my heart as they choked out. “Maybe you should stay at the McManus’ for the next few nights.” I stopped, looking into his eyes, which was a mistake. All of the sorrow and longing in them made me want desperately to take back what I just said, but my better judgment had to win this time and I forced myself to continue. “I’m not saying I don’t want you to live here or that I know how I feel about you. I just need some time to sort through all of this.”

To my surprise, Walker did not protest my request. He promised he would leave me alone, and when I wanted to talk about it, to call him. It didn’t take long for him to pack a few of his things and call Jim to ask if it was alright. That was something that didn’t cross my mind, what my in-laws would think about their house guest returning. I pushed them out of my mind, trying to convince myself my hasty decision of asking Walker for some space was the right move.

Walker sulked over to me when he was about to leave. His muscular arms wrapped around me and I breathed in his musk deeply. Once I was in his arms, I wanted to beg him to stay. Our eyes met, and he lunged for the door quickly, probably knowing what my next words were going to be. With a swift goodbye, he left.

When the door shut, remorse washed over my entire body. Shame had so many more faces than usual; betraying Randy, feeling smutty, kicking Walker out, and longing for his lips again. It was all too much for me to process.

I walked into the kitchen and pulled a bottle of Jack out of my freezer. Opening it, I figured drinking out of the bottle was in order for this situation; a glass would just make me get numb slower.