Crashing Back Down (24 page)

Memories and dreams like those made it impossible to push my pain away and I felt like the wind had been knocked from my chest. Burning tears formed in my eyes as I pulled my pillow on top of my face, trying to fight back the flood of emotions. The only relief this dream gave, was that the grotesque scene of Candice’s bloody body, wrapped in my arms while I knelt on the floor screaming and crying had left me alone for one evening.

All of a sudden, my senses were awakened when the other side of my bed moved a little.
Shit! Walker!
My best friend, turned new roommate slash lover had not crossed my mind until that point. Realizing I had completely forgotten about him for a moment sent guilt flying through my body; I took a deep breath as his arms grabbed for me, pulling my back into his exposed burly, upper body. Feeling his warmness made me relax slightly, finally remembering he was amazingly comforting at times like this.

For the next few minutes, I let myself push Randy, my adulterous feelings, and my horrible memories out of my mind, trying to enjoy Walker’s smooth, bare ruggedness pressing against me. He gently stroked my arm, lulling me back into light sleep until my alarm clock rudely interrupted our cuddling. I could feel Walker sigh against my neck, leaning over me to hit the snooze button.

My eyes shot open and reluctantly, I pulled away from his slightly aroused body, climbing out of bed. As I scampered off to the bathroom for a steaming hot shower, he grumbled about only needing five minutes in a husky drawl.

 As the water cascaded down my back, my stiffness finally started to unwind. Missing my husband was never going to go away; I just wished that the guilt of still living would. And now with Candice on my conscience too, the pain was amplified.

I willed myself to push the aching thoughts out of my head, trying to replay Candice’s great advice over and over in my mind.

“Margret, I don’t want you to start to think you have to forget about your loved ones who are gone and get over them. Life is about remembering the good times and reminding yourself that there is always still good in the world. Can you try to do that?”

I could hear her voice and I promised again, to her and myself, that I was going to embrace life and honor my loved ones’ lives that way. Both Randy and Candice would not want me to be sad that they were no longer with me, but to be glad I had them in my life.

I felt a new sense of strength, a small ember starting to glow in the pit of my stomach. It was a wonderful little spark of courage and I was planning on running with it. With a swift kiss to Walker’s cheek while he still slept curled up in my blankets, I was off to work.

The day passed by slowly. Finally, I looked at my phone, seeing I only had five more minutes of boredom and a missed text message from Walker. A smile formed on my lips as I read:

I have a surprise for you. See you soon :)

Butterflies flitted in my stomach, excited that Walker was being romantic. He was caring, but there was always something holding him back. In the last week, it seemed like he was coming out of his shell a little bit, and it was time for it to break wide open.

I flew out of my office and rushed home. I was so thankful the traffic on my hour drive home was lighter than usual. When I opened the front door, I was saddened to find the house was empty. Sullenly, I went into the kitchen to open up my wine fridge. I grabbed a bottle of pinot and went to the cupboard for a wine glass. In front of my stemware was a card with my name scrawled across the front in Walker’s impressively neat handwriting. I smiled and opened up the card to read:

Thought I would stand you up? I think you know me a little better than that, Mags! Surprised at how well I know you? Be ready by 7:30. Wear something comfortable. Jeans and boots are preferred ;) Pour yourself that glass of wine and get ready!

-Walker

I grinned and giggled to myself like a school girl. Glancing down at my phone, I realized I had just about an hour to get ready. I did as Walker instructed, pouring a glass full of my nectar, and headed up the stairs to get ready. I pulled my hair out of the low pony tail and turned my flat iron on. Redoing my eye makeup into a smoky eye and straightening my hair made me feel a little bit sexier than usual I grabbed my favorite pair of boot-cut, low-rise, dark wash jeans and a light pink tank top, and checked out myself in the mirror. I smiled at myself, satisfied with my efforts. As I was pulling on my boots, my phone vibrated on the bed next to me with a text message from Walker:

You have five minutes, come downstairs when you’re ready.

The butterflies returned as I headed down the stairs to find Walker standing in the front room waiting for me. He looked incredibly handsome. His military style haircut had just been trimmed up, but his slightly scruffy, three day old beard left a sexy shadow on his strong jaw line that drove me crazy. He was wearing a tight fitting black button down that clung to his large arms. His loose fitting jeans were pulled over his snakeskin boots. I couldn’t help but melt a little when I realized he was holding one single long stem red rose.

Walker’s warm green eyes met mine as we both smiled at each other. He reached out his freehand to take mine, his voice was soft and inviting. “You look perfect. I hope you’re ready.”

I walked to him, wrapping my arms around his waist, giving him a tight squeeze. “Thank you for this,” I whispered into his ear, and kissed his cheek, taking the rose and setting it on the front room table. He opened the door for me and we were off on our adventure.

The entire time we were driving Walker held my hand, running his thumb in circles in my palm. Riding with him, just talking about our days was incredible. His warm smile spread across his face every time I started to tell him even the simplest of stories. Walker really was a fantastic listener, always waiting for me to finish and chiming in with input at all the correct times.

I was happily surprised when we pulled into the parking lot of Charlie’s.
I guess Walker really does know me well.
He squeezed my hand and looked over at me with his sexy half smile. “I thought this was more our speed. Todd is working, don’t worry I checked.” I smiled back at him and started to get out of the truck, so excited to see my favorite bartender, even though the last time we talked he caught me off guard. Now that Walker and I were no longer hiding our relationship, I was kind of excited to show Todd he was right all along.

When we walked into Charlie’s, I could see that on the backs of our regular bar stools there was paper taped on, saying they were reserved. I smiled and squeezed Walker’s hand/“This is perfect,” I cooed kissing his soft lips. He grinned and led me over to the bar, pulling out my seat while I waved at a familiar, flamboyant smile at the other end of the bar.

Todd greeted us with our usual beers and didn’t even have to ask what we wanted to eat, making sure to shoot me a knowing glance and a quick wink right when we sat down. We sat, talking and laughing with Todd, who after all of these years, was more of a friend than a bartender. He kept the beer flowing and after about twenty minutes of chatting, our burgers came out just the way we liked them. Mine was smothered with extra sharp cheddar melted over crispy bacon, covered with jalapenos, lettuce, tomato, and red onion. Walker’s was dripping with barbecue sauce, sautéed onions, lettuce, tomato, raw onions, and pickle chips. My mouth watered through every delectable bite. I giggled as barbecue sauce slid down Walker’s chin and I wiped it away for him.

He grinned at my gesture and leaned into me, pecking my cheek quickly; “Thank you, beautiful.” My cheek was warm where his lips had landed, sending the warmth all the way down to my toes.

Once our meals were done, we set off again. I sat up a little straighter in my seat of his black Ford when I noticed that Walker was pulling his truck onto our college campus. It had been a long time since I’d been in this section of the school, and I had no idea why he would want to take me there so late at night. I was a little numb from all of the beer sloshing in my stomach, so I went with the flow and did not ask the questions that were buzzing around my head. Walker pulled into a guest spot next to the Communications Building.

As the truck pulling into its parking spot, he turned to me. “This is where some of my favorite memories from college were made.” He paused to make sure we had eye contact before finishing, “and it’s thanks to you. So, you remember this place?”

I giggled a little at how strange of a question that was. “Of course, I went to school here too, silly.”

He smiled and lightly laughed at me. “No, my dear, I meant this specific spot; it’s the first tree you ever climbed.” Walker pointed and then grabbed my hand as I smiled, remembering how, at first, Walker didn’t believe I had never climbed a tree before in my life, insisting on teaching me. While I was stumbling through my memories, Walker got out of the truck and started to head for the tree with a cooler and blanket in hand. I climbed out of the truck and went to meet Walker where he was sitting on the blanket, pulling out two pilsner beers, then opening them for us.

We toasted to our evening together, and to friends, both of us taking long draws from the bottles. I leaned into him as he pulled me close. Sitting in that spot brought back so many wonderful memories of happy times for the both of us. Reminiscing on some of them brought the memory of Randy and, to my surprise, I smiled when I realized that since I had read Walker’s text, I hadn’t thought about missing him or the terror of the bloody scene. The notion was a little freeing and we continued to laugh, carrying on about how just a few short years ago we were carefree. It was nice to feel that way again.

For hours, we sat in the cool night air reveling in this moment. I kissed Walker’s warm lips, igniting a spark of passion. Deeply kissing, Walker laid me down on my back, lightly brushing his tongue against mine. The passion started to grow between us, when Walker pulled away from me. His deep green eyes smoldered with longing. “Let’s go home. It’s getting a little late.” Walker opened the truck door for me and helped me inside.

Before closing my door, Walker leaned in and kissed the nape of my neck and then breathed, “Don’t ever forget, you’re my true north, Mags.”

I smiled and leaned into a wonderfully passionate kiss that sent chills all over my body. “Don’t worry; I don’t think I’ll even be able to with that tattoo on your leg.”

I winked at his cocky smile and he closed the door on my side. Once he was in the driver’s seat, I leaned my head against the window, happily staring out into the night’s sky.

I smiled as I looked over at Walker’s face as the street lights danced across it. The night had been perfect. Walker was perfect. I smiled to myself realizing, for the first time in so long, I was finally content and happy. I slid over into the middle of the bench seat, cuddled down into Walker’s shoulder and sighed with satisfaction. In that moment I knew all I wanted was to be in his arms. Right or wrong, that was all that mattered. Walker’s hand grabbed for mine and we headed home to ride out our passions in the privacy of my bed.

T
he next few days rolled by effortlessly. The pain and longing for Randy had started to transform into different duller pains. It started to get less often that the stabbing of longing hit my heart. The shame was still assaulting my thoughts but I needed to learn to live with “survivor’s guilt” as my doctor had titled it, and being reminded that she was no longer there to confide in was getting easier, but not by much. Cuddling up into Walker every night was helping more and more as our trust and relationship blossomed. His strong body held me until I fell asleep all through the night.

The sunlight streaming through my window felt warm on my face as I started to slowly come out of a dreamless sleep. I rolled over, snuggling up into the warm muscles to my left. His scent was intoxicating as I was lulled back into a peaceful shallow slumber. A few minutes later, I could feel rustling from under me. Groggily I attempted to move away to give a little bit more space to my bed mate. Before I could realize what words were forming on my lips, they had already escaped. “Randy, I’m sorry.” I was shocked awake, clasping both of my hands around my mouth, looking into Walker’s pained eyes. He bolted up out of my bed, still naked from our passionate night together.

His fist crashed into the headboard as a deep growl emanated from his throat. “Am I just a freaking replacement for him?”

All I could do is shake my head, too scared that my words might betray me again. Forcefully he grabbed my shoulders and shook me vigorously, his eyes almost black with his rage. “Then what the fuck, Mags? What the hell am I to you?”

Tears started to sting at my eyes. I tried unsuccessfully to bat them away; they started to surge down my cheeks and I could see the wrath boiling throughout Walker’s body. He was standing next to my bed, fists clenched to the point of his knuckles becoming white, just glaring at me. I swallowed the lump of guilt for my words down slowly as I said the only thing I could. “You’re my best friend, Walker.” I broke my eye contact with him; the pain in his eyes was too much for me to bear. “I was half asleep. Please, I didn’t know what I was saying.”