Crank (15 page)

It's bending me.

* *

I shifted and the throb in my thighs

reminded me of the "new" me.

"But what about..."

Come on.

I'm not exactly chaste.

* *

Chaste Chase?

A monster-fed

giggle tried to slip out.

I relegated it to a tooth-baring grin.

You're so beautiful

when you smile.

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He kissed me then, so sweetly, I truly

felt beautiful, despite the ugliness

that would always remain.

No one can take you

from you, Kristina.

* *

Tears slipped from my eyes.

Chase absorbed

every one, sponging up regret.

I promise never,

never to hurt you.

* *

I wanted him to prove it.

Needed him to prove it.

"Make love to me."

I could feel he wanted to.

I want to.

You know I do.

But not today.

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R

elief, Disappointment

A flash flood of love and a surge of need so deep it went way beyond the monster.

* *

"Please, Chase? I have to know

what it's like when two people

really want to."

And you will. I will take you to

heights you can't imagine.

But not until you've healed.

* *

I didn't understand. Go ahead.

Call me dense. "It's only a few

bruises, Chase."

I

meant not until you're free

from dreams of yesterday.

When we make love, the only

people there should be you and me.

* *

He was right. Adam lingered on my nightstand. Brendan would

haunt me, a shadow, for days.

When you've vanquished your ghosts,

I'll be here. Besides, sweetheart,

anticipation is half the fun.

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I could only hope the other half

might one day be as wonderful.

With Chase, it seemed possible.

Meanwhile, I'd better go before

your parents get back. Want to

go outside for a smoke?

* *

Soft drifts of nicotine filled my

lungs, soothing one hunger.

Chase held me close.

Funny thing, Kristina. Before you

,

I believed love was making love.

Waiting only makes me

love you more.

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P

owerful Words

Strong

enough to latch on to me, bear the weight and lift

me, induce buoyancy, float me in a brilliant, blue sky above the reach of personal demons.

So peaceful, in the canopy, beyond distress and self-incrimination. I wanted to stay there forever.

Impossible of course. Chase drove away and almost immediately, fantasy

dissolved, like sugar stirred into saltwater, as the real

world

clamped down around me, slammed me back down to Earth.

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I

Tried to Beat Mom Inside

but she was right on my heels as I went through the door.

Who is that boy who just left?

Busted. I had to tell her something, so I said, "A friend."

What kind of friend?

"My best friend," I wanted to say.

"My only friend." I just stared.

I asked you a question.

Okay. I'd tell her what she didn't

want to hear. "Chase is my boyfriend."

Boyfriend? He's hardly your type.

Anger bubbled. I gritted my teeth.

"I don't have a type, Mother."

Well, at least someone good-looking.

Like Chase wasn't, she meant.

And, "You mean like Brendan."

Exactly. What happened to Brendan?

I was prepared. "We didn't really

hit it off." Understated, huh?

But he was so nice, so polite.

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I tried to bite my tongue. Didn't work.

"He wasn't so nice, Mom."

What do you mean?

"He was..." I paused, "all over me."

She looked at me without sympathy.

Why didn't you tell

me before?

I took dead aim. "I didn't think

you'd care. Apparently, I was right."

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Leveled

Have you ever actually felt one up on your mom? What an exhilarating feeling.

* *

She stuttered, coughed, couldn't say a word because somewhere inside she knew she was wrong.

* *

So I pushed even harder. "You always told

me not to judge a book by its cover.

Practice what you preach, Mom."

* *

Two clichés don't exactly make for deep

conversation, but I didn't expect

that (or want it) anyway.

* *

I started for my inner sanctum. Paused.

"I mean look at you and me. On the surface, we both seem so normal!"

* *

Her face contorted, emphasizing every wrinkle.

"Take a peek inside our family album.

Like what's in there?"

370

Do you think that was mean? I guess, but it felt so great, it made me grin.

Sort of sick, or what?

371

Light-Headed

Giddy from my absolute bluster

(not to mention lack of food and a big dose of nicotine),

I skipped up the hall, singing

* * a Queen

song about paying

dues and doing time, no

crime committed. Oh, that

Freddie Mercury. What a waste!

* *

That guy was really something--a rebel and worse.

* *

In a day when it was supposed to be okay to experiment

that way. No condoms, just good gay fun. We

know better now.

372

As I thought about that, I had to wonder: What will we

know better about tomorrow?

Who cares? Hindsight is useless.

* *

Even looking back now, things seem a bit muddled.

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N

orthern Nevada Autumns

are filled with weeds.

* *

Toxic, high-allergen garden killers.

Tumbleweed.

Rabbitbrush.

Russian white top.

Guess how I spent that Sunday.

Wound up on Claritin

enhanced crank, it wasn't so bad.

Yank. Think.

Tug. Consider.

I would put Adam's letter in the mail.

Water. Soak in.

Watch Mom and Scott

drive away.

Bribe Jake to help.

I would never tell another soul about Brendan.

Direct Jake to dump the wheelbarrow.

Yank. Think.

Tug. Consider.

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I would make love with Chase very soon.

Start to come down.

Disappear for a toot.

Notice my stash was two

snorts away from gone.

I would make a cash withdrawal the next day.

Help Jake finish up.

Send him to 7-Eleven for Cokes and chips.

I would call Chase while he was gone.

375

No

Answer

No sweat.

Okay, maybe a little sweat.

* *

If I couldn't

get crank from Chase

* * who could

I get it from?

I thought.

* *

And thought.

And finally, one person

* *

came to mind.

I got on my bike, pedaled over to

* *

Trent's, hoping

Robyn was home and in the mood

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to share some

information. Vital

information

* * to a person

desperate for a new connection.

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T

iming Is Everything

Mine was impeccable that day.

Robyn answered the door, quite noticeably strung.

Oh, hi. Trent's not home.

He went into town with Mom.

* *

"Cool. I wanted to see you.

Can I come in?"

I eased through the door.

I don't know... um.

..

the house is a mess.

..

* *

It was neat as a pin.

But it did smell like crank.

I suspected Trent wouldn't

be home anytime soon.

What's up, Kristina?

Can't it wait till tomorrow?

* *

"Relax. I'm not a narc." I

reached into my pocket for the semimutilated bindle. Robyn's

pupils went all the way black.

I

thought you'd lost some weight.

It's better than the Atkins di

et, huh?

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"It's a helluva lot more fun!"

We laughed and I offered to share the last of my stash. "Have a mirror?"

Don't tell me you're still snorting.

Have you ever tried smoking it?

* *

She was the first to even suggest it.

Robyn the Reno High cheerleader

proceeded to show me a whole new

way to get down with the monster.

379

We

Went into Her Room

Locked the door. Sat on the bed.

Robyn produced a V of crusty foil, tapped in the last crumbs of powder.

This little bit will go right to your

brain and won't clog your sinuses.

* *

Won't stay there, draining, little by little. Oh, no. You blow straight through the roof in one giant puff of smoke.

I

t's an awesome rush. And you won't

stay awake for days.

* *

She handed me the stub of a Slurpee

straw and showed me how to hold it just above one end of the V.

When it starts to smoke, suck fast

.

Hold it in as long as you can.

* *

Robyn held a match just below the yellow powder. It browned, bubbled, smoked. A waft traveled up the V.

Here it comes. Don't let it get a

way.

Oh, God, that smells good!

* *

It tasted nasty. But it took me higher than ever before. The monster

pirouetted in my brain.

380

My turn. Don't hold the match too

close to the foil. Crank can burn.

* *

In seconds, Robyn was flying. Instant

bonding. She didn't even blink when

I asked if she could score.

You'v

e got the money, I can get the crank.

For a small finder's fee, of course.

* *

I expected no less. We planned to meet up the next day. I went home, feeling better than I had in a long, long time.

381

S

he Forgot to Mention

a couple of rather important things:

* *

Like how, if you exercised

(riding my bike, for instance), your lungs fought to hold air.

I huffed and puffed

all the way home.

* *

Like how, when you came down

(I had to eventually), your head screamed with pain and your body broke out in panicky sweat.

* *

Like how your little brother's teasing

(irritating at the best of times), would set you way off, make you jump off the deep end.

382

Like how parental concern

(inquiring minds wanted to know), might suffocate you, might confuse you, might make you yell,

* *

"Just leave me the fuck alone!"

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T

his Time

it was Scott who asked for the heart-to-heart. It was a rather one-sided conversation.

May I come in, Kristina?

Can we talk?

* *

He hated confrontation. I

could play the game two ways.

In-your-face. Or contrite.

What's going on? Your mom an

d I

are worried about you.

* *

I chose contrition. And feigned

ignorance. "What do you mean?"

He came right to the point.

It's like you've become a whole

different person lately.

* *

Not all of me. Just the Bree part.

Not all the time.

Just with the monster.

Did something happen

at your dad's?

* *

Like he wanted to hear about Dad.

Like he really wanted to know he and Mom were 100% right on.

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Don't take this wrong, okay?