Covet (18 page)

Peter grinned. “Come on, just say it out loud. The place is old and cramped and kind of a dump. But it is within our budget, and probably the only thing we’re going to be able to afford in this city.”

Her heart sunk a little bit more at this realization. There wasn’t even a proper bedroom, just a curtained-off alcove where their furniture would be crammed in, and a tiny closet that would barely hold their modestly-sized wardrobes. The bathroom was equally tiny, with just a shower stall and no tub, and the fixtures looked to be several decades old.

Still, the place was relatively clean, and the apartment building was located on a busy street, with restaurants, shops, and bus stops nearby. The latter was particularly important, since they had sold both of their cars just prior to moving here from Tucson. Both of the vehicles had been in dire need of major repairs, and since they had already discovered the cost of owning a car in San Francisco would be outrageously expensive, they had made the decision to rely solely on public transportation in their new home.

“Changing your mind about moving up here with me?”

Tessa glanced up in surprise at her husband’s cynically phrased question, and was quick to shake her head in denial. “No. Not in the least. I knew what I was getting into when I asked to come with you, that we’d have to downsize and make a lot of adjustments to our lifestyle. But I’m not about to change my mind, Peter. This move – it’s what both of us need. For our careers and, well, for ourselves.”

Neither of them had good memories of Tucson, and when the opportunity had presented itself to make this move to San Francisco, they had both jumped on it. After receiving his degree in journalism from the University of Arizona, Peter had struggled to find a job in his chosen field. He’d done an internship at a local newspaper, sold a few freelance articles, but had quickly realized that he would have to move out of the Southwest in order to secure the sort of job he really wanted. But after sending out resumes, networking, and applying for every possible position he could find, he’d finally been offered a job with an international news agency based in San Francisco.

“The pay is crummy, and I only get paid after an article actually sells,” he’d told Tessa, though he had barely been able to contain his excitement when telling her the news. “I’ll be based in San Francisco but spending very little time there. My territory is going to be in Asia, so I’ll be traveling to places like China, Japan, Malaysia, and Vietnam. My travel budget is practically nonexistent, the stories I’ll be covering won’t exactly be the most scintillating, but it’s a start, Tess. More of a start than I can ever hope to get here in Tucson. And,” he’d added soberly, “it will be a chance for me to finally get out of this place. Even though I haven’t lived in my mother’s house for over five years now, the ghosts still seem to follow me everywhere I go here
.”

After congratulating him on getting the job of his dreams, Tessa had fixed a celebratory meal and tried very, very hard not to worry or fret about what would happen next. It had always been somewhat understood that once Tessa had a steady job and a means to support herself that she and Peter would go their separate ways. He had stayed on in Tucson this long largely to finish his degree, and then because of the lack of job opportunities in his field. But now that he’d finally landed his dream job, Tessa knew that meant their divorce was imminent, and she would be left here on her own. The thought alternately saddened and terrified her, but she was determined not to ruin this for Peter or make him feel guilty in any way
.

It was Mrs. Carrington who’d put the idea in her head of moving to San Francisco with Peter. Tessa had told her boss about Peter’s new job and imminent move, and Mrs. C. had, in her usual blunt way, urged her to go along with him
.

“
You’re wasting your skills here working for me, you know,” she had chided. “While there certainly needed to be a learning period initially, you’re now much too overqualified to remain here indefinitely, Tessa. And given your own past, I think it would be the best thing in the world for you to have a change of scenery. You’ve lived in this part of the country your entire life, haven’t you? Time to move on, missy, and see something of the world
.”

Tessa had felt a little thrill of anticipation rush through her at Mrs. C.’s words. “You really think so? I mean, what would I do? Jobwise, that is
.”

“
Humph.” Mrs. C. had made a dismissive motion with her hand. “Don’t forget that this company’s American headquarters are located in San Francisco. There are hundreds of employees there, plus the Gregson hotel itself. I’m quite sure that there would be several open positions that you would be completely qualified for. I’ll tell you what, young miss. I’ll call the head of Human Resources up in San Francisco and see what sort of things might be available. Put in a good word for you at the same time, too
.”

Mrs. Carrington hadn’t wasted any time in making that phone call, and had assured Tessa that there were in fact half a dozen or so job openings at the regional headquarters that she could be considered for. With that information in hand, Tessa had then steeled herself to share her news with Peter that evening
.

He’d been visibly surprised to learn that she, too, wanted to move to San Francisco. “Are you sure about this, Tess?” he’d asked warily. “I mean, living in a big city like San Francisco is going to be a whole different lifestyle than what you’ve been used to. It’s noisy and crowded, the weather’s a whole lot colder, and it’s crazy expensive to live there. Not like we live extravagantly here, of course, but we’d really have to tighten our belts living in San Francisco
.”

“
I wouldn’t mind,” she’d offered quietly. “It wouldn’t be the first time, after all. And if I don’t go with you, how are you going to be able to afford living there? Especially since you won’t be earning a regular paycheck
.”

Peter had looked sheepish. “Frankly, I hadn’t thought that part out too well. Guess I was so excited about getting the job that I haven’t considered the more practical aspects. I figured I’d have to rent a room somewhere, a shared rental with a few other guys. The news agency might have some ideas, maybe I could bunk with some other employees who have the same sort of job I’ll have
.”

“
But if I went along with you, we could afford a place of our own,” Tessa had pointed out excitedly. “I’m guessing it won’t be as big as this place but hopefully we wouldn’t have to settle for a shared rental
.”

“
Maybe.” Peter had been dubious at the idea. “What about your job?
”

She’d told him then about what Mrs. C. had discovered, as well as the fact that all of the openings at regional headquarters paid much better than her current salary. “So transferring wouldn’t be a problem at all,” she had assured him. “And it would be a good career move for me. I don’t want to keep doing the same thing for much longer, Peter. I mean, I like my job but Mrs. C. is right – I’m sort of wasting my time there. And, well, I want to get out of Tucson, too. The whole southwest in fact. You aren’t the only one who has ghosts, you know
.”

He had still been hesitant, not convinced that she wasn’t offering to make this move for the right reasons. “Are you sure that’s your real motivation, Tess?” he’d asked gently. “Or is it just because you can’t handle the thought of being alone if I went without you?
”

“
That’s part of it,” she’d admitted reluctantly. “You know I’m a coward, Peter. As well as insecure and introverted. And I’m still afraid that I’m going to become like my mother, and have to fight off the bouts of depression
.”

“
Hey, none of that now, okay?” he’d told her firmly. “You’re not like your mother, Tess. You’ve never once had anything resembling a manic episode, and you’ve dealt with the depression really well. But I do worry about you moving to San Francisco under these circumstances, given that I’ll be away for weeks at a time. Wouldn’t you be better off staying here where things are familiar to you? And I realize you don’t have a lot of friends but at least you know people at work. If you go to San Francisco with me, you’ll be a stranger in a strange city, and I’m concerned about how you’d cope
.”

Tessa had nodded. “I know. Believe me, I’ve thought about all of that. And, well, maybe it would be good for me to be left alone for a few weeks at a time. You know, to learn how to depend on myself, manage things without you. And since I’d know you were coming back in a few weeks, it wouldn’t be like I’d be totally alone forever
.”

Peter had sighed. “You’re just postponing the inevitable, Tess. You know that, don’t you? This can’t go on for much longer – what passes for a marriage between us. I know you need more – a whole lot more – and it frustrates the hell out of me because I can’t give it you
.”

“
I don’t need -” she’d begun to protest, until Peter had held up a hand
.

“
Stop,” he’d insisted. “You do need it. All of it. Even more than you realize. And you have to stop hoping that one day I’ll be able to give it to you. Come on, Tess. We’ve been together for five years now and I can still barely tolerate being touched. Whereas you – well, you’re the most affectionate person I’ve ever known. You need someone in your life who can return that affection, who can be a real husband to you, give you children. And I wish with all my heart that I could be that man, because I know I’d never come close to finding someone like you ever again. But I – can’t, Tess. I just can’t. And every time I realize that I feel like hell. So I should really set my foot down right now and tell you a flat-out no, that I’m moving to San Francisco alone and filing for divorce so that you can finally be free to have the sort of life you deserve. But, well, you do bring up some good points
.”

Tessa’s heart had sunk a bit more with each word he’d uttered, especially since she had known them to be true. Their physical relationship was as messed up as ever, barely existent, and certainly not in the least bit fulfilling or satisfying for her. The only times she’d ever had an orgasm had been by her own hand, most often after one of the erotic dreams that still came to her every so often. She tried to convince herself that none of that mattered, that there were other facets to a relationship and a marriage besides sex. She and Peter got along in a lot of other ways, were best friends, and she cherished his friendship, guidance, and support more than she could properly express. He was the only constant in her life, the only person she’d ever truly been able to depend on, and the thought of him leaving for good terrified her beyond words
.

But Peter’s last words had filled her with renewed hope, and she’d jumped on them immediately
.

“
You’ve helped me so much these past few years, Peter,” she’d told him earnestly. “Let me try and repay some of what you’ve done by going with you to San Francisco. You know you won’t be able to afford a place of your own without me, and can you really bear the thought of sharing a rental with three or four other people? Who knows,” she’d joked rather feebly, “it might be worse than the place we shared with the party animals
.”

Peter had shuddered and given a weak laugh in response. “I don’t think anyplace could be worse than that,” he’d retorted wryly. “But – maybe. Let me think on it for a couple of days, Tess. Okay? But you need to start coming to grips with the fact that this has to end sooner than later. You need to finally start living, and I – well, I need to stop feeling like a failure
.”

In the end, Peter had somewhat reluctantly agreed to let her make the move with him, acknowledging that it would be better for Tessa in the long run to get used to living on her own gradually rather than all at once. She would have that sort of opportunity during his lengthy business trips, when he would be traveling through Cambodia or the Philippines or Indonesia for weeks at a time. She’d get settled into her new job, make new friends, and adjust to living in San Francisco before she had to adjust to living permanently without her husband.

But she could tell now that all of Peter’s doubts were returning, given her rather dismayed reaction upon seeing the tiny apartment he’d found for them. Tessa fixed a determined smile on her face and gave a little shrug. “Hey, I’ve certainly lived in worse places in my life,” she remarked with a feigned casualness. “Smaller ones, too. It’s going to be an adjustment, that’s for sure, but I’m excited about making this move, Peter. And about living in this city.”

Tessa had honestly not known what to expect when she’d arrived in San Francisco for the first time. She and Peter had driven up here in a rented U-Haul truck tightly packed with all of their belongings, a truck that was parked right outside the aging apartment building at this moment. But what she had seen so far of this bustling, almost frantically energized city, had fascinated her – albeit in an odd, rather shocking manner. Everything was so different than the sprawling desert communities she had always lived in, but those differences were intriguing, exciting, stimulating.

Peter gazed at her in concern. “You’re really sure?” he asked worriedly. “I mean, our place back in Tucson was almost twice this size, and a whole lot newer. We don’t even have a dishwasher here or a balcony, and we’re going to be bumping into furniture every time we move.”

She didn’t want to admit that she’d been thinking the exact same things, too afraid that Peter would change his mind about their arrangement and send her back to Tucson. And she couldn’t leave, couldn’t run away. Tessa had been afraid of too many things in her twenty-two years, hadn’t wanted to take chances or challenge herself. But she was tired of living in fear, of not really
living
at all. And she sensed that this move to San Francisco was going to change her life in a lot of ways, that she was at a crossroads in her life, and that the path she chose at this particular moment would have a ripple affect on her entire future.