Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (74 page)

(J
AMES
5:12).

4. Never negotiate
.

— Verbal abusers do not use words fairly; negotiation will not work.

— Instead of “talking out” the problem, abusers will seek to wear you out.

— Simply state that when the behavior stops, you look forward to a renewed relationship.

“I am not willing to discuss this any longer.”

“I have stated clearly what I won’t accept.”

“When you’re ready to respect my requests, let me know. I look forward to being together at that time.”

— Keep your words brief and to the point.

“When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise”

(P
ROVERBS
10:19).

5. Never react when boundaries are violated—only respond
.

— Reacting puts you back under the control of the abuser.

— Respond by detaching yourself from the abuser and enforcing your con sequences.

— Do not…

cry
because of feeling hurt.

beg
because of feeling fearful.

explode
because of feeling frustrated.

— Protect your boundaries so they can protect you.

“The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride. Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools”

(E
CCLESIASTES
7:8-9).

6. Solicit support from wise, objective people
.

Include supporters (friend, mentor, counselor) as you…

— analyze and identify the problem.

— determine how to articulate your plan.

— enforce the consequences.

— move through this critical period. Discuss the situation, the tactics, and the plan of action.

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise”

(P
ROVERBS
19:20).

The time necessary to disassemble and disable an abusive relationship is limited. But during that limited time, expect manipulative maneuvers and emotional ups and downs. Assume your actions will make the abuser angry. Allow him or her to react without reacting yourself. Don’t seek to placate this person; it won’t work. Think of this time as comparable to surgery—it’s a painful experience, yet it provides the only hope for healing and having a healthy relationship.

“The tongue of the wise brings healing”

(P
ROVERBS
12:18).

Many abusers have no idea they are abusive.

“A truthful witness gives honest testimony, but a false witness tells lies”

(P
ROVERBS
12:17).

— Has a loved one ever said you are emotionally insensitive or uncaring?

— Has a loved one ever said your behavior is abusive or unreasonable?

— Has a loved one said you act nicer when you are with others than when you are alone with that person?

— Has a loved one ever said you tend to overreact?

— Do you avoid responding to questions you don’t like?

— Do you get angry when asked questions you don’t like?

— Do you refuse to acknowledge your past negative behaviors?

— Do you have a short fuse that ignites anger?

— Do you think your personal interactions with others could be destructive?

— Do you have multiple failed, unresolved relationships?

If you answered yes to at least three of the above, chances are good that you are an abuser.

“Honest scales and balances are from the L
ORD
; all the weights in the bag are of his making”

(P
ROVERBS
16:11).

If you find that you are an abuser, desiring to change is your greatest need.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting”

(P
SALM
139:23-24).

—
Don’t
vent pent-up anger on another person.

Realize that feeling angry is not a sin.

—
Don’t
say, “You’re the reason I am so angry.”

Recognize and admit you may not know how to handle your anger.

—
Don’t
say, “I can never please you!”

Realize you may be using your anger to get your own way.

—
Don’t
say, “After all I do for you, it’s still never enough.”

Begin to see things from the other person’s point of view.

—
Don’t
utter harsh, belittling, or sarcastic statements.

Recognize courageous people are willing to admit their weaknesses.

—
Don’t
withdraw emotionally.

Realize you can change. It’s never too late.

Be willing to enlist friends and family members who can hold you accountable.

Sticks and stones do break bones, and words can wound a tender heart. But God shatters prisons of pain to set captives free.

—JH

Proverbs 18:21

Proverbs 12:18

Jeremiah 17:14

Proverbs 28:23

Proverbs 29:25

Philippians 2:3-4

Romans 12:17-18

Matthew 6:14-15

1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

Jeremiah 29:11

For additional guidance on this topic, see also
Anger, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Codependency, Critical Spirit, Cults, Dating, Depression, Domestic Violence, Dysfunctional Family, Fear, Forgiveness, Grief Recovery, Guilt, Habits, Hope, Identity, Lying, Manipulation, Marriage, Parenting, Prejudice, Reconciliation, Rejection, Salvation, Self-worth, Stress Management, Suicide Prevention, Victimization, Worry
.

I
f you are living with a crippling trauma from your past, hoping to somehow get beyond it, take hope. God wants to help you overcome your painful past and conquer the destructive patterns that have resulted from your victimization. By facing your past and taking responsibility for your healing, you can trade the ditch of victimization for the pathway to victory!

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery”

(G
ALATIANS
5:1).

—
A victim
¹
is a person who is adversely treated.

Examples:
a victim of alcoholic, neglectful, or workaholic parents; of infidelity, spiritual abuse, elder abuse, stalking, or sexual harassment

—
A victim
is a person who is tricked or duped.

Examples:
a victim of robbery, identity theft, fraud, kidnapping, or cult entrapment

—
A victim
is a person who is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed.

Examples:
a victim of incest, domestic violence, rape, satanic ritual abuse, or a natural disaster

—
A victim
is a person who is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.

Examples:
a victim of any verbal, emotional, sexual, physical, racial, or economic abuse

The victim mentality is a mind-set in which a person who was once a victim continues in old thought patterns of feeling powerless, even when the victimization has ended. This mind-set leads those who were once genuinely powerless to stop abuse to needlessly assume the same powerless state in the present. The victim mentality can consciously or subconsciously be used to deny responsibility for the former victim’s present actions. The individual continues to manifest self-destructive attitudes and actions, and blames others for the undesirable results. You can overcome a victim mentality by changing the way you see God and the way you see yourself in relationship to Him.

“In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us”

(R
OMANS
8:37).

— God hears the cry of the battered and abused.

“You hear, O L
ORD
, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry”

(P
SALM
10:17).

— God holds the victim of abuse in the palm of His hand.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

(I
SAIAH
41:10).

— God confirms the victim’s value and worth.

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows”

(L
UKE
12:6-7).

— God brings good out of the evil deeds of others.

“The L
ORD
works out everything for his own ends—even the wicked for a day of disaster”

(P
ROVERBS
16:4).