Counseling Through Your Bible Handbook (43 page)

— Stabbing with cutting humor, jabbing words, painful put-downs, or malicious mocking

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you aren’t what I want you to be, I’ll wound you with words.”

— Those who crucified Jesus “mocked him. ‘Hail, king of the Jews!’” (Matthew 27:29).

4. Sexy Seduction

— Seductive talk, suggestive clothing, sensual advertising, sexual body movements

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t buy what I’m selling, you’re not macho.”

— Proverbs warns about the manipulative, seductive woman: “She seduced him with her smooth talk” (Proverbs 7:21-22).

5. Showering Sentiments
³

— Excessive praise—to flatter for control

— Excessive gifts—to create a sense of obligation

— Excessive affection—to gain a sexual or emotional advantage

— Excessive money—to buy power

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t respond to my generosity by doing what I want you to do, you are ungrateful.”

— In contrast, Proverbs 26:28 says, “A flattering mouth works ruin.”

6. Sly Suggestions

—
Guilt Game #1:
Wife says, “John bought Sara a new car. It must be nice to be so loved.”

—
Guilt Game #2:
Husband says, “Mary encourages her husband to go out with the guys any time he wants, for as long as he wants. He’s lucky to have such a wife.”

—
Guilt Game #3:
“Friend” says, “Chris has a fabulous friend who will give him any amount of money—no questions asked. Now that’s a true friend.”

—
Guilt Game #4:
Teenager says, “None of my friends have a curfew. It must be nice to have such great parents.”

— In contrast, Proverbs 26:24 says, “A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit.”

—
Manipulators imply:
“You ought to meet my every need, and if you don’t, I’ll make you feel guilty.”

7. Sympathy Seekers
⁴

— Speaking and acting intentionally needy…with “pity parties”…helpless and childlike…hopeless unless a rescuer arrives

—
Manipulators imply:
“You should take care of my heart, and if you don’t, you’re callous and cruel.”

— In contrast, Galatians 6:5 says, “Each one should carry his own load.”

1. Silent Treatment

— Pouting, brooding, and ignoring; coldly turning their back; not answering the phone or door as punishment; refusing to speak

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t do what I want, you don’t get my approval, my communication, or me.”

— In contrast, Psalm 39:2 says, “When I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased.”

2. Slam/Bam Slamming

— Slamming drawers, doors, phones, books

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t meet my expectations, you don’t deserve any dialogue with me, but I’ll make my point in other ways.”

— In contrast, Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

3. Scornful Sneers

— Curling the lip, rolling eyes, raising eyebrows, squinting eyes

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t do what I want you to do, you don’t deserve my respect.”

— In contrast, Isaiah 57:4 says, “Whom are you mocking? At whom do you sneer and stick out your tongue? Are you not a brood of rebels, the offspring of liars?”

4. Sizeable Sigh

— Audible sighs, deep grunts, long groans, smacked lips

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t meet my expectations, I will let you know how perturbed I am with you.”

— Job 3:24 says, “Sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water.”

5. Suppressed Support

— Withholding compliments, gifts, affection, withdrawing presence

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t meet my standards, you will not get any attention whatsoever from me.”

— In contrast, the apostle Paul said to the Corinthians, “We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us” (2 Corinthians 6:11-13).

6. Strategic Stalling

— Intentionally slow, late, not hearing, forgetful

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t give me control, I’ll take control in other ways.”

— In contrast, 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, “[Love] is not rude.”

7. Sniveling Sobbers
⁵

— Timed tears, subtle sniffles, tearful stories, extended crying

—
Manipulators imply:
“If you don’t meet my emotional needs, I’ll get your attention and make you feel guilty by falling apart.”

— In contrast, Hosea 7:14 says, “They do not cry out to me from their hearts but wail upon their beds.”

Manipulators attempt to:

— Make others feel guilty.

— Get others to believe what they want them to believe.

— Keep others “hooked” into a relationship—even when the relationship is unhealthy and one-sided.

— Avoid meeting their obligations and responsibilities.

— Appear positive when they feel negative toward others.

— Set up “fixers,” “caretakers,” “rescuers” to take care of them.

— Intentionally confuse others.

— Get others to do for them what they would not normally choose to do.

— Get others to feel responsible for them or for their welfare.

— Control the emotions and reasoning of others.

— Use religious words for personal gain, causing harm to another’s walk with God.

— Win the battle for control.
⁶

Proverbs 26:24 describes the manipulator: “A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit.”

“You even put up with anyone who enslaves you or exploits you or takes advantage of you or pushes himself forward or slaps you in the face”

(2 C
ORINTHIANS
11:20).

Typically those who are manipulated don’t understand why they are so easily led to the ditch of pleasing. However, the reasons reveal much insight:

— “I must have you in my life.”

— “You give meaning and purpose to my life.”

— “I need your approval in order to feel significant.”

Solution: Isaiah 2:22

— “What others think is more important than anything else.”

— “The judgment and opinion of others takes precedence over my own.”

— “The end justifies the means even if it involves violating my conscience.”

Solution: Acts 24:16

— “I can’t say no for fear of making someone angry at me.”

— “I’m afraid of being rejected.”

— “I can’t take a stand against someone whose approval I need.”

Solution: Psalm 3:5-6

— “I am accepted only because of what I do.”

— “I have value only if my work is acceptable.”

— “I have worth only if I please others.”

Solution: Luke 12:7

— “I am controlled by what the manipulator…

…does or does not do.”

…wants and desires.”

…threatens to do.”

Solution: Galatians 5:1

— “I can’t see why the relationship is unhealthy.”

— “I don’t understand the need for change.”

— “I’m not willing to do anything about changing the relationship.”

Solution: Proverbs 29:25

— “He doesn’t mean to act this way.”

— “He can’t help being this way.”

— “He is not really bothering me.”

Solution: Proverbs 27:5

“I must have the approval of others in order to feel good about myself.”

“I must not live for the approval of others, but instead I realize that God will meet all my inner needs because He accepts me totally and loves me unconditionally.”

“This is what the L
ORD
says: ‘Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the L
ORD
…But blessed is the man who trusts in the L
ORD
, whose confidence is in him’”

(J
EREMIAH
17:5,7).

Stop allowing your manipulator to maneuver you into gullies of guilt. The path to recovery begins with putting your relationship with Christ first, and growing in Christlike maturity on the Road to Transformation.

Decide you…
⁸

— have an unhealthy dependent relationship and confess that to God.

— want only a healthy relationship that glorifies God.

— will be dependent on the Lord to meet your deepest needs.

(Philippians 4:19)

Don’t expect your manipulator to…
⁹

— understand or agree with your decisions.

— acknowledge being manipulative.

— be willing to give up control to set you free.

(Psalm 31:3-4)