Copperback (18 page)

I
had the shirt in my hand, waiting to give it to him.

“I
got you this while I was out,” I said, tossing it at him, feeling a bit blown
off. “Figured you might want to feel a little less naked when Chase comes over
tonight. He wants to do laundry and get fed. He used to be over all the time
before you…” I trailed off, not wanting him to think he had disrupted my life
in any way. “I should get dinner started. He should be here soon. And I did get
you a remote. Happy now?”

“Yeah.”
He looked back at me, but not as warmly as usual. He was still bothered by
something going through his head. I would have to continue to bide my time to
find out what it was.

With
dinner started, Chase wasn’t far behind, as if he could smell it and came
running. He had his basket ready to go and, of course, an empty stomach. It was
a chore just keeping him out of everything – from sneaking pieces of my walnut
turkey breasts, to getting into my store-bought pie for dessert.

“Go
get your laundry started so you can get out of here before I go to bed.” I said,
kicking him away from the pie again while holding the mixer I was using to mash
some potatoes. “And maybe say hi to Job while you’re down there.”

“But
he doesn’t like me,” Chase whined.

“He
likes you just fine. Just hurry up so you can help me get everything ready.”

He
made some weird noise and stuck his tongue out at me as he scooted away. I just
wanted to make it through dinner and send Chase on his way so I could have some
time with Job, who hopefully would let out what was troubling him.

Chase
came back empty-handed with a look of disbelief on his face. Some interaction between
Chase and Job had taken place, but I wasn’t sure what.

“He
said thank you.”

“That
was nice of him.”

“He
said more than just thank you. He gave me a list of reasons why he was thanking
me. You turned him into a chatter box.” He was laughing about his own comment,
still in awe that Job spoke to him.

“Did
he seem happy?” I was worried that his standoffish attitude from earlier was
only directed at me and not just a mood.

“Kind
of. He smiled and all – he wasn’t exactly real buddy-buddy or anything. Why is
he like that with you?”

“He
used to be. He’s been acting funny all day. Something is up with him. I just
don’t know what,” I said, putting the final touches on the last plate.

“Maybe
he likes you. We guys are like that. We go through a million emotions when we
like a girl. I’m sure by tomorrow he’ll be a changed man and do something
else.”

“So
what should I do?” I was taking romance advice from my brother. I had stooped
to an all-time low.

“If
you’re asking me that – then you like him, too.” He could see it in my
expression, I couldn’t hide it anymore. “Stop playing hard to get. Guys hate that.
I just hope everything just…works out in the…well, you know…physical
department.”

“Thanks.
I knew I kept you around for a reason.”

He
was right; I was falling for Job. I could no longer force myself to believe
anything else. I didn’t care what the outcome would be, or if I would be alone
for the rest of my life once he was gone. I needed him now. I was going to make
the best of my time with him. I wanted to tell him, but not in front of Chase.
If he was right, then I had nothing to worry about.

I
could feel my nerves carry me into the room where Job waited. He was still down,
but looked better than he had earlier in the evening. He was wearing the T-shirt
I had picked out. It was a perfect fit, and hugged his muscular body just
right. I couldn’t help but gaze at him, wanting Chase to leave so I could say
what I needed to. Job noticed me staring at him and gave me an odd look, trying
to figure out what had come over me. I wasn’t trying to keep it masked, and if
he could feel emotions, he had to know what was on my mind.

He
turned away, taking his plate and chowing down in silence. Chase took his lead
and began to eat, trying to talk with mouthfuls of food, making it completely
unintelligible. It was funny to watch bits fly from his mouth. He finally took
a drink and tried again, with a little more success.

“So,
how long you think till you can get out of this bed?”

I
waited for his response. I wasn’t sure what he thought about leaving now. He
had recently seemed so impatient to get moving again, but I wasn’t sure if it
was the prison of a room he wanted to escape, or me.

“I
don’t know – maybe a week, maybe a couple. Emily keeps saying I shouldn’t be in
such a hurry.” Job looked back at me and smirked. I felt a little bit less on
edge, now that he was talking around me, and that he wasn’t going to rush
getting out.

Dinner
moved by smoothly. Chase and Job did most of the talking while I watched from
the sidelines. Chase kept trying to teach him about his favorite hobbies – sports
and cars. It was funny to hear him explain why Job should become a fan of the
Steelers. Every once in a while, from the corner of my eye, I could see Job
look at me, but he would look away before I could make direct eye contact. Each
time, it was a yearning look, as though whatever had been on his mind was still
being wrestled out.

Leaving
the boys alone to continue the conversation, I gathered the dishes and received
a couple of thanks for my culinary skills. It wasn’t long after that Chase came
back up with his laundry, just as dingy looking as it arrived, but smelling
better.

“Did
you convince him to be a Steelers fan?”

“No,
I don’t think he was listening to anything I said. I think he was a little preoccupied.
He even asked for you when I left.” He couldn’t help making googly eyes and
kissy noises. It was a little over the top. My heart skipped a beat. I had been
hoping the night would end and I could plead my case. I was willing to deal
with any negative consequences. I just needed to tell Job why I had been on the
fence. I wasn’t even sure if he would understand.

“Thank
you.” I gave Chase a hug.

As
much as I joked with him and treated him like a child, he was still my brother,
and I loved him. His good heart brought Job into my life, even if it had been a
bad situation. I had been taking out my grief on everyone for so long, I never took
the time to let him know that I cared about him.

He
hugged back but was taken off guard, grabbing my shoulders and looking around
the room, confused.

“Where
did you put my sister? Emily doesn’t hug me. Actually, she hasn’t said one nice
thing to me in years, so I know you are not her.”

“Maybe
I changed. Is it really a bad thing?” I smiled. It felt good to show him I
cared.

“I
need to hit people with my truck more often.” He couldn’t help another smart
remark.

“Well,
next one you hit can be Derrick. I might actually invite you over for dinner
every night after that.”

“I’ll
work on it.”

Chase
left, and I ran back down to see why Job had asked for me, fidgeting with my
hair on the way down. He was sitting, waiting on me, but had moved his arm over,
blocking the usual spot on the bed reserved for me. I wanted to be close when I
told him, but he was being difficult. Instead, I sat in the chair next to him.
He was upset and had lost his glow of happiness. The time for putting on a show
in front of Chase was over and he was going to tell me what had been bothering
him. I just hoped he would give me the chance to say what I needed to, first.

“Chase
told me you wanted to see me?” I could already feel my heart sink before he
started talking.

“I
don’t think it’s a good idea if I stay here anymore.” He sounded hurt just
saying the words.

“Why?
Was it something I did? I can–”

“I
want to stay,” he cut me off. “I would never leave you if I could. I care too
much about you. I was wrong to think that you would…” He was having a hard time
keeping focused on me. I could see the internal anguish building up in him. “…feel
the same way I do.”

“How
do you know I don’t feel that way now?”

“Because
I have felt this way since the day I saw you. I didn’t care if you hated me or
how you treated me. I just wanted to be with you and hoped that one day you
might…” His voice trailed off, fighting his own feelings and the choice he was
making. “It doesn’t matter anymore. I’ll have to leave one day, and I’m not
going to hurt you when I do. It’s better if I go now.”

 I
was becoming frustrated with his attitude. I had finally made the choice to
express how I felt and I was being turned away before being given the chance.

“I’ll
be okay. I know you will have to go, but that’s still weeks away. You don’t
have to leave yet. Right now, I just–”

“And
when I go, are you going to fall apart like you did when your mom died, too?
Lock yourself away for years and hide because you can’t get over it? Do you
really think I want to let that happen?”

Chase
must have told him about all this when the two of them had been alone together
down here – about how I had reacted, how I had closed myself off from the
world. Why I hadn’t been on a date in years. He had been afraid I would become
the same way over Job and felt he had to protect me. After telling me to stop
fighting my feelings, he still gave Job a reason to reject me. He had no idea
what I felt or how this was different.

“He
had no right to tell you–”

“He
didn’t need to. I knew there was something the whole time. I told you I can
feel what emotion you feel. I could feel your fear from the start. At first, it
was of me, and then for me, but after that it never went away. Your fear stayed,
even when you would smile. It was deep in you, and you still have it now. All
he told me was why.”

I
couldn’t help but start crying. He was right. I was afraid, but to me it had
become worth taking the chance. He was the first person I had opened up to, and
I didn’t want to stop now.

“Hasn’t
there been anyone in your life that meant so much that it hurt when you lost
them? Didn’t you have parents? Wasn’t there someone you were close to before
you came here?” I wiped away the tears.

“No.
I didn’t know my parents. I was an orphan, and I was raised to be a soldier, so
I never had anyone.”

He
had become unsympathetic when talking about his life, as though he had
something to hide.

“Then
you wouldn’t understand. I loved my mom. I was close to her. She was my best
friend, and she was ripped away from me. I never knew my dad, so I didn’t have
him to lean on, and I always felt like I forced Sally to take me in.”

The
look on his face was slowly melting away back to the soft-hearted Job I knew
best, but his voice remained stern. “Maybe I don’t understand, but–”

“So
you would rather see me fall apart now instead of later?” I interrupted. “I
don’t want you to go. I’m tired of feeling empty. You’re the first person who
has filled this hole inside me, and now, before I can enjoy it, you want to
take it away.”

I
couldn’t stop the hysterics in my voice. I was angry and scared at the same
time. I couldn’t fight him and I didn’t want to. If he wanted to leave now, he
could, and I wasn’t going to stop him. I had said as much as I could. I laid my
head in my lap, letting it all out. I could feel his hand across my back,
aiming to comfort me. It only made me cry harder.

“Please
don’t,” he said. “I can’t watch this either. I thought I was doing you a favor.
I didn’t know it had gone so far. I won’t go if you don’t want me to. I will
stay. We can make this work for as long as possible.”

His
voice was filled with soothing words. I looked back up at him, blurry-eyed. I
could see he was just as upset as me, but without the tears. His hand slid from
my back to my shoulder and into my hands. I got up to sit next to him, but he
blocked the way, keeping me from getting close. I was confused as to why he
would say such kind things, yet still keep me at bay.

“Not
tonight. I have a surprise for you, but I want to wait. I will show you
tomorrow. Just get some sleep, and know I will be here in the morning.”

“I
want to stay. I don’t want to–”

“Please?”

“You
don’t have to show me anything. I just want you.”

“I
need to do this. I promise that tomorrow you can, but give me tonight.”

I
didn’t want to listen, but I would obey his wish. It was only one night, and I
could have him to myself in the morning.

“Promise?”

“Have
I ever broken one?”

He
was grinning again. I wanted to lean in and kiss him but I held myself back.

“No.”

Walking
away was hard, but I knew he would be there when I got up. I could hear the
peals of thunder outside, but there was no rain. The pressure in the air had
changed, and so had my heart. There would be no more games and no more
questioning. I knew where my heart stood, and I knew where his was, too.

I
was as restless during the night as the storm brewing outside. Each time a streak
of lightning blazed through the sky, lighting up the room, I started the count:
one-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand…I would get to fifteen
before I could hear the thunder follow behind, growling through the air. Although
the storm was traveling quickly, it was still so far off that the two wouldn’t
join till sometime tomorrow.

Why
I had to wait was still unclear to me. Whatever surprise Job had for me wasn’t
something he could just run to the store and get. It would have to be something
he could do. He said he wanted to show me. Was he planning on letting me in on
some new secret ability I didn’t know about? Was he going to just get up and
walk out the door? My excitement was building. I turned my attention back to
the storm – one-one thousand…

It
was already after midnight, and I was still wandering in my thoughts of Job. I
thought about going downstairs and telling him it was officially tomorrow,
despite knowing he was too smart to fall for anything like that. He would
convince me to leave again and wait. It wasn’t fair that the moment I was ready
to put my heart out on the line, he would make me wait before taking it.
Two-one thousand…

I
thought about clearing the clutter out of the upstairs – packed away in boxes, covered
with sheets. It would be a better place for Job to stay in than the basement.
The light in the windows, a larger room, and a haven he could call his own. No
one would ever have to know he was there. I could keep him a secret, and he
would never have to leave. I could live with him and move my room back to where
it had been. It was a crazy thought, but he had said we would find a way to
make it work. Three-one thousand….

I
could follow him to wherever he went. Not just take him there, but stay. I had
no idea where “there” was, and didn’t care; it would be the escape I was
looking for. It wouldn’t be the big city life I had always wanted, but it was
better than home. I could let go of my bad memories of this place and start new
ones with him. I would say goodbye to my family. As much as they would miss me,
Chase would understand, and Sally would support me. I could come back to visit,
and everything would work out. Four one-thousand…

Time
was passing too slowly. I wanted to stay awake all night, waiting for the sun
to come up so I could run down to him. It was difficult to stay put. I wasn’t
sure how he could be so patient, waiting in one place for weeks, when I was
struggling with just a few hours. He had done it for years on a dirt floor, the
smells of decaying flesh – the screams of those who were less fortunate. There
were skeletons in his closet that would haunt him for the rest of his life. I
wanted to be the one to comfort him when they did. Five-one thousand….

I
closed my eyes, waiting for sleep. The thunder was still rumbling outside in
the distance. I stopped counting and tried to put Job out of my mind, focusing
on sleep. I needed to if I was ever going to wake up and see him. It was just
one more day. There was no reason I had to be in a hurry. He had promised to be
there waiting for me. He was going to be true to his word.

It
was still dark in the room when I woke up, and I thought I had only fallen
asleep for a few hours. It was light enough to know that day had come, but the
storm had arrived, and the soft drizzle of rain was tapping on the windows. The
thunder and lightning had stopped for the time being, leaving behind a dreary
day full of rain.

I
didn’t even wait to rub the sleep from my eyes. I bounded out of my makeshift
bed, excited to make my way down the stairs and be with him – hold him and kiss
him for the first time. Looking down at myself, I noticed that I was still
wearing the same thing from the day before. I would have to quickly change my
wardrobe and make myself presentable before seeing him again.

Picking
out a white spaghetti strap tank and a pink button-down blouse with jeans, I
went to the bathroom to take a look in the mirror and saw that a touch up was
not going to cut it. The circles under my eyes were almost as bad as Job’s from
the mascara that had collected under them. My hair had managed to tangle itself,
and was pasted to the side of my face. Washing up and giving myself a fresh
face took nearly an hour; my nerves had come back, and it took twice as long to
apply anything with shaky hands.

Looking
at the clock in the kitchen, I saw it was already two in the afternoon. I had
slept far too late, having been kept up half the night by the impending storm
and thoughts of the coming engagement with Job. I had missed breakfast entirely
and I thought he would be wondering if I had changed my mind, since I had been
so slow to see him after being so excited the night before. I couldn’t go down
empty handed. As much as I wanted to see him, I would need to get lunch
together first. I could just see it – getting to a romantic part, and the
grumble of my stomach killing the mood. Throwing together a couple of
sandwiches and drinks, I took off, feeling my heart pound harder each step I
took.

He
was waiting with his arms crossed – a devious smile across his beautiful face. By
the look in his eyes, I knew he was going to give me flack about taking my time
to see him. I held back from rolling my eyes at him, as I had done so many
times before. I was prepared to take any tongue lashing he was going to dole
out.

“Storm
keep you up?” I could see he didn’t drop the smile, and his voice wavered with
restrained laughter.

“Sorta.
I had a lot on my mind.”

“Like
what?” He was trying to keep the pretense up, but failing miserably.

“Oh,
you know – stuff.”

I
didn’t have to explain what stuff was. He knew. He had banked on my
anticipation. He was enjoying torturing me and making me wait. I held firm,
handing him his plate and drink and sitting in my chair. I stuffed my mouth,
hoping he would stop the questions and take my lead. I was already having
issues keeping control. I couldn’t taste anything. My mind was on such overdrive
that it was killing all of my other senses. I just wanted to get through the
meal and move on.

We
ate in silence, eyes locked on each other. I couldn’t think of anything else
other than that first kiss. Had he ever? Would he know how? Was it different
than anything a human would do? So far all of his flirting techniques were the
same as ours. I wasn’t sure if affection would be any different.

I
finished my sandwich in half the time it would usually take – swallowing the
last large bite that decided to stick in my throat. Sucking in air, I couldn’t
help the coughing that followed as the bite went down the wrong tube. I grabbed
for my glass, trying to wash it back down, only to make it worse – the coughing
jags continued, and now I was spraying milk everywhere. I wasn’t choking, but
Job had no idea what was happening. I could see his concern through my watery
eyes. He sat motionless, not sure if he should reach out for me to do
something. I raised my finger, communicating that he should give me a minute as
I kept coughing, moving the piece deeper down my throat, away from my wind pipe.
It burned the whole way down, and I took another sip to quiet the cough, trying
to keep it in my mouth this time. At last it stopped, and I could look at him
again, still wide eyed and questioning. Tears had run down my face; as I wiped
them away, the black stains of mascara came off on my hand. I looked a mess. I
had been in such a hurry, I could have choked to death in front of someone that
had never even heard of the Heimlich maneuver, let alone performed it. He would
have been helpless to save me.

“Sorry,
I ate too fast…I’m ok now,” I said as I was clearing my throat. It still hurt,
but I was able to deal with it. “I think I need to go upstairs for a minute. I
look awful. Let me clean back up and I’ll be right back.”

I
quickly stood up to leave. Before I could move, his hand reached out to mine, holding
tight so I couldn’t go.

“You
look fine. You just scared me, that’s all. Just stay. You know you look better
without it, anyways.”

“I
thought you said I looked better than nice when I wore it. I thought you liked
it.” It still hurt to talk. I wanted to wipe the rest of my mascara off, instead
of having smudges all over my face.

“It
wasn’t the stuff on your face I liked. It was you – all of you – and I think I
have a word for it now.” He started to pull me in closer to the bed.
“Exquisite.”

I
sat down with him. I knew I wasn’t what he said I was, but just hearing the
flattery started my nerves up again. He never let go of my hand, and I didn’t
want him to. I intertwined my fingers with his and leaned in close. I was
waiting on him. I could feel his breath on me, calming me down and making me
slightly lightheaded. I wasn’t sure what was going on or why I felt this way
near him.

“I
have to show you something,” he said, interrupting the moment.

“Can
it wait?”

I
didn’t want to see anything right now. I just wanted to feel his lips pressed
against mine.

“No.
I really want to do this. It shouldn’t take too long. I just need to explain it
to you first.”

“Okay,”
I said impatiently.

“So
– do you know what you breathe?”

“What?”

“What
you breathe in and out. What it’s called.”

The
question was absurd. It had nothing to do with the present. I answered anyways,
to hear him out. “Yeah – I breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide.
Everyone does.”

“I
don’t. I do the opposite. That’s why you get lightheaded when you’re near me,” he
said, very serious.

I
wasn’t getting the reason for the biology lesson. It didn’t matter what he
breathed, I just wanted to be close. I could handle being a bit lightheaded and
relaxed. It was a nice little bonus.

“What
does this have to do with anything?”

“See,
there is very little carbon dioxide in the air, but my lungs make up for it
with other stuff. It acts the same as when you breathe. When I get a larger
amount of carbon dioxide, it does something – different.” He was thinking about
how he was going to tell me. I could see the corners of his mouth turn down,
thinking of the right words to say, looking around the room for an answer.

“It
does what?” I was concerned he was about to tell me I was hurting him being
close. I sat back, looking at him, confused. He didn’t change his expression.

“I
get stronger. I can heal – a lot faster.” He finally made eye contact, looking
ashamed he hadn’t said anything sooner.

It
took a moment to process this new information, but it finally clicked. The
first night I had fallen asleep on his chest had saved his life. He would have
died, as Sally had thought. The bruises that showed up along his abdomen from healed
internal injuries, the erratic breathing all through the night – it all stopped
because of me.

The
night he let me sleep on his shoulder had saved his leg. It had started to die.
He should have lost it. No one should have been able to come back from that. He
had been determined to make it all ok. He was willing to forgive me, because he
knew he needed me. His determination and forgiveness had brought him back from
disaster.

“Why
did you wait to tell me this? You could have said something and been out of
here in just a few days.” It was hard to hide the bit of annoyance in my voice.

“Would
you have really gotten that close to me when I got here? I still needed you to fix
my leg. I still needed you to take the knife out. I couldn’t do that by myself.
You didn’t want to come near me at first. You were still scared.” He held my
hand tight.

Back
then, he could have told me anything and I would have kept my distance. I was
scared to death when he was awake. My feelings for him had changed so much in
less than two weeks, it was hard to believe I had acted that way.

“But
afterwards – you hurt every day. You almost lost your leg. You could have died.
I treated you so badly. How were you so sure I would help you?”

“I
wasn’t.” His grip was still strong, but the guilty look hadn’t left. He was staring
down at our hands, clasped together. “I had hoped I could convince you, but I
wasn’t sure, even then. You got so angry with me that night that I made up my
mind that it was worth more to me to stay with you than to worry about what
would have happened.”

“You
would have rather died and not said anything than be – without me?”

“Yes,”
he whispered.

I
could see he was upset about keeping it a secret – keeping me in the dark this
whole time. He had cared about me from the first day. All of this suffering could
have been avoided if he had never fallen for me. I wasn’t sure how guilty I was
supposed to feel.

“Then,
what about after that?”

“I
wasn’t sure how you felt about me. You were so all over the place, changing
emotions every other minute, but I knew I wanted to be with you either way.”

“You
could have told me last night. So why now? Why did you wait till now to say anything?”

“I
wanted to make sure you hadn’t changed your mind again. I want to make sure I
can do this right. I want to be able to stand up and hold you – not be stuck in
this bed making you take care of me. I want to take care of you.”