Confrontation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (8 page)

“Each of us will give an account of himself to God.”
(Romans 14:12)

Q
UESTION: “If I have confronted someone for wrong behavior and that person continues to rebuff my words, should I continue to bring it up?”

A
NSWER:
If no change occurs after repeated attempts to confront someone who is clearly wrong, don’t continue confronting. The Bible says,

“If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town.”
(Matthew 10:14)

Q
UESTION: “If someone refuses to take responsibility when confronted, can I take that person to court? What can I legally do when someone has wronged me in a way that costs me materially or psychologically?”

A
NSWER:
The goal of confrontation is to correct someone who is at fault in order to ultimately bring unity and peace. Litigation is used when rights have been violated and a person refuses to accept responsibility. Litigation rarely results in unity or peace. That is why Scripture instructs Christians to settle their conflicts outside of court
(1 Corinthians 6:1–7). Some disputes can best be settled with the help of others who will listen to both parties and then mediate a settlement (Matthew 18:15–17). With an unbeliever, although civil action is not forbidden, God’s heart is still for reconciliation.

“As you are going with your adversary to the magistrate, try hard to be reconciled to him on the way, or he may drag you off to the judge, and the judge turn you over to the officer, and the officer throw you into prison.”
(Luke 12:58)

• Focuses on character
  
• Uses degrading, accusing, or threatening words to motivate change
  
• Assumes a negative motive in offensive behavior
  
• Gives no opportunity for apology or restitution
  
• Demands immediate correction as a condition for continued fellowship
  
• Imposes no consequences or disproportionate consequences
  
• Puts total responsibility for correction on the offender
  

• Focuses on behavior
  
• Uses loving, hopeful, and encouraging words to motivate change
  
• Assumes a desire to grow and become more like Christ
  
• Invites confession and is eager to forgive and seek reconciliation
  
• Allows for time to grow and learn better behaviors
  
• Offers appropriate consequences that develop character and responsibility
  
• Accepts responsibility for accountability through the change process
  

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
(1 Corinthians 13:4–8)

The secret to mastering confrontation is to learn not only how to confront assertively, but also how to interact effectively with the different ways people respond. For example, your approach toward a passive person should be different from your approach toward an aggressive person.

• Begin with a positive statement—a sincere compliment.
  
  • “I value our relationship. I appreciate your (
    name good character traits
    ).”
    
• Describe the unacceptable behavior and how it made you feel.
  (Address only the facts. Make no personal attacks.)
  
  • “The last three times that we agreed to leave at 8:45, you arrived late, and we didn’t leave until after 9:00. Truthfully, being late makes me feel not only bad but also disrespected.”
    
• Present expectations.
  
  • “I would like for us to go together, but no matter what you choose to do, I have decided to be on time from this point forward.”
    
• Communicate consequences with a plan of accountability.
  
  • “In order to be on time next week, we need to leave by 8:45. If you’re not here by then, I will have to leave without you. However, I’m hoping we can leave together.”
    

“Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.” (Proverbs 9:9)

1
Confronting “Avoiders”—The Assertive Approach to Passive People

Deal gently, but firmly with passive people. Fear of failure causes them to not want to take responsibility. Your goal as an assertive confronter is not to push passive people out of their comfort zone, but to elicit their cooperation and to get an agreed upon plan with accountability for a change of behavior. (Realize that acting assertively may feel aggressive to those who are passive.) Consider this example of confrontation with a passive person who is repetitively late.

• Involve them in the problem and offer solutions. Counter their objections with encouragement that a change of behavior is possible.
  
  • “How do you feel about being late?” (Wait for a response.) “I’m glad to hear that you don’t want to be late. What are you doing before coming here that causes you to be late? What creative alternative do you think would bring about a solution? What do you think about planning to be here at 8:30 instead of at 8:45? You could set your clock ahead fifteen minutes to help you to be on time.”
    
• Declare in specific, measurable terms what is to be expected.
  
  • “If we are to go together, I need you to be here by 8:45. I expect you to call me by 8:30 if you see that you cannot make it so that I can make other arrangements.”
    
• Give them simple choices to help them make decisions.
  
  • “Would you rather be here at 8:45 so that we can go together, or would you like for me to make other arrangements?”
    
• Obtain their agreement to follow through, and hold them accountable.
  
  • “Are we in agreement that you will be here no later than 8:45?” (Wait for a response.) “Thank you! That means a lot to me. To make sure we’re on the same track, will you call me at 8:30 to assure me that you are leaving on time? I feel sure you’re not trying to be late and that in your heart you really do want to be on time.”
    

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance.” (Proverbs 1:5)

2
Confronting “Attackers”—The Assertive Approach to Aggressive People

Deal directly with those who are aggressive because they respond well to those who stand up to them. Consciously choose to be calm, yet bold. Determine that you will not be intimidated by fear or provoked to anger. The goal is not to win an argument, but to gain agreement that a change of behavior is necessary and then to devise a plan for change.

• Reclaim whatever control of your life that you should not have given away.
  
  • “Until now, I have not said anything about your being late. However, being on time is an important value to me. In the future I plan to be on time even if it means going by myself; therefore, if we are going to go together, you need to be on time.”
    
• Give the aggressive person time to talk. Then say back what you heard.
  
  • “What I’m hearing you say is ____________. Is that right? Is there anything else you want to say about that?”
    
• Openly defuse a competitive atmosphere.
  
  • “I realize we don’t see eye-to-eye on this subject. My expectation—wanting to be on time—is not a personal attack against you. To me, repetitive lateness is an issue of integrity—a destructive habit that only you have the power to change. Do you understand why this is important not just to me, but to you as well?” (Wait for a response.) “Good!”
    
• Draw the line in the sand: State the principle and maintain it.
  
  • “I need you to make a commitment to be on time. If you won’t make this a priority, I will make other arrangements to go by myself. You may not see this as an issue of integrity, but I do. Integrity involves being reliable and faithful to keep your word. Because I know you want to be a person of integrity, you need to develop the habit of being on time.”
    

“The man of integrity walks securely.” (Proverbs 10:9)

3
Confronting “Ambushers”—The Assertive Response to Passive-Aggressive People

Deal directly and transparently with passive-aggressive people. Because they are afraid to state their desires through direct interaction, your goal is to confront their indirect attacks and motivate them to be open and direct with you.

• Expose their offensive behavior while holding them accountable for the truth.
  
  • “You’ve been over 30 minutes late the last three times. Do you agree that this is true?”
    
• Confront their covert issues with you by inviting direct and open criticism.
  
  • “Have I done something to offend you? Have I done something to cause you to be afraid of me? Is there a reason why you want to be late? Have you considered that it might be intentional?”
    
• Hold them accountable to ask for what they want.
  
  • “I want you to talk with me directly and state explicitly what you want—I need that. I can’t read your mind. Will you do that for me and, more importantly, for yourself?”
    
• State your expectation of having direct communication between the two of you, along with the consequences of not doing so.
  
  • “I see that the underlying problem is not your lateness, but instead a lack of direct communication between the two of us. I realize that being late may not be an issue of integrity for you, but it is an issue of integrity to me. In the future, I will need you to be on time if we are to go together. Otherwise, we will go separately. But more importantly, I am expecting you to come to me about any problems you have with me. Can we agree on that?”
    

“The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity.” (Proverbs 11:3)

What can you do when you confront a loved one who has a chronic problem—an addiction, a bad habit, or another behavior that is self-destructive or dangerous to others—and they refuse to change? When a personal confrontation is ineffective at bringing correction and life change, introduce the group dynamic—
there is power in numbers!

Many times, personal confrontation and earnest appeals fall on deaf ears. Even when several individuals confront one-on-one, each plea is dismissed. As individuals, you are powerless—as a group, you are dynamite. A group can be empowered by God to move the immovable. God’s Word lays out the blueprint for such an intervention.

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’”
(Matthew 18:15–16)

• Pray for wisdom and understanding from the Lord.
  

  “The L
  ORD
  gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.”
  (Proverbs 2:6)
  

• Educate yourself regarding the offender’s particular addiction or besetting sin.
  

  “The heart of the discerning acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out.”
  (Proverbs 18:15)
  

• Enlist the aid of the key people affected by the offender’s harmful behavior—people who are willing to confront (caring family, friends, employer, coworkers, a spiritual leader).
  

  “A truthful witness saves lives.”
  (Proverbs 14:25)
  

• In absolute confidentiality and without the offender present, hold a first meeting in which these key people rehearse what they will say, how they will say it, and the order in which they will speak when confronting.
  

  “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted.”
  (Proverbs 27:5–6)
  

• Hold a second meeting with the offender present where one at a time each key confronter communicates genuine care for the offender and then shares the rehearsed confrontations—The Four
  P
  s of an Appeal.
  

  “The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.”
  (Proverbs 15:4)
  

#1 The
P
ersonal

• Affirm rather than attack.
  
  • “I want you to know how much I value you (or love or care about you), and I am genuinely concerned about your behavior.”
    

    “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
    (Ephesians 4:29)
    

#2 The
P
ast

• Give a recent, specific example describing the offender’s negative behavior and the personal impact it had on you.
  
  • “Yesterday, when you were drunk and slurred your speech in front of my friend, I felt humiliated.”
    

    “A truthful witness gives honest testimony.”
    (Proverbs 12:17)
    

  • Be brief, keeping examples to three or four sentences.
    

    “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”
    (Proverbs 17:27)
    

#3 The
P
ain

• Emphasize the painful impact the addict’s behavior has had on you by using “I” statements.
  
  • “I felt deeply hurt and degraded because of the way you yelled at me.”
    

    “A wise man’s heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.”
    (Proverbs 16:23)