Confrontation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (5 page)

Do you know someone who is arrogant, rude, cruel, but continues to get away with it? While you wish he would change, deeper still, you wish he would get what he deserves!

That is exactly why one man refused to deliver a life-changing message to people he considered “the enemy.” They were arrogant and cruel. He didn’t want to confront them because they just might change and then they wouldn’t have to pay for their cruelty.

God tells Jonah to go and confront the rebellious people of Nineveh. If they don’t repent, God will destroy them—but Jonah wants them to be destroyed, so he refuses to warn them. Instead he boards a boat and heads in the opposite direction. That’s when God uses a big storm and a big fish to reveal a big mistake. Finally, Jonah obeys God and confronts the people—but when they all repent and receive God’s mercy, is Jonah grateful and glad? No—he resents God’s mercy and carries a grudge. He wants them wiped out—he wants revenge. He simply sits down and sulks.

Jonah has a
passive-aggressive
mind-set:

• He passively remains silent so that the people will not repent.
  
• He aggressively does everything possible to keep them from receiving God’s mercy.
  

Jonah’s mind-set needs a major overhaul—he needs a boatload of mercy. Jonah could receive the blessing of God if only he would offer the mercy of God—Jonah needed to hear the words of Jesus:

“Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” (Matthew 5:7)

Although the Bible says much about the benefits of confrontation, we frequently avoid confronting those who offend us. Why do we sidestep a one-on-one encounter when it could restore a strained relationship?

• You are a shy person.
  Confrontation does indeed take boldness and strong faith in the Lord.
  
  • However, take heart, God will always give you His strength to do what is right.
    

    “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”
    (Philippians 4:13)
    

• You risk more damage to the relationship.
  If the offender does not respond properly, there is legitimate danger that the relationship may be damaged.
  
  • However, by confronting with the proper spirit and in the proper way, you can trust God to bring about His purposes through your confrontation.
    

    “He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.”
    (Proverbs 15:32)
    

• You may hurt someone’s feelings.
  Sometimes confrontation does inflict emotional pain, but your intervention may help a person avoid suffering severe consequences of persistent, harmful behavior. Honesty in a friendship is more valuable than excessive praise and flattery.
  
  • However, it is better to hurt a little now for a short time than to hurt a lot throughout a lifetime.
    

    “He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.”
    (Proverbs 28:23)
    

• You could risk advancement or career opportunities.
  If you confront a coworker or even a supervisor, you do risk earning a reputation as a “confrontational” or “contentious” person.
  
  • However, if you confront in love and with a correct attitude, your offender is likely to see that you are not trying to hurt them, but trying to help them.
    

    “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.”
    (Colossians 4:6)
    

• You know that you have faults and don’t want to appear hypocritical.
  It is true—no one is perfect.
  
  • However, if you wait until you are perfect before you try to help others with their imperfections, you will never confront the sin in anyone’s life. The requirement for confrontation is not perfection, but is compassionate reaching out to others who are struggling in sin.
    

    “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.”
    (Proverbs 28:13)
    

• You have never seen proper, biblical confrontation.
  Angry arguments and inappropriate accusations were the patterns modeled for you as a child.
  
  • However, don’t allow negative examples from your past to dissuade you from learning and practicing biblical confrontation.
    

    “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
    (Romans 12:2)
    

Two goals must be kept in balance when confronting someone: On the one hand, you need to expose the negative behavior—on the other hand, you need to maintain a respectful relationship. Three of the four approaches yield poor results because they do not keep this balance. Only one approach addresses the behavior problem and, at the same time, preserves the relationship.
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“There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” (Proverbs 14:12)

• The Passive Approach: “Running Away—Staying Away”
  

  If you
  avoid
  confrontation because of fear, you resign yourself to maintain the mind-set,
  I lose, you win.
  

  Instead ...
  

  • Face your offender and set boundaries for the relationship. This will give a greater opportunity for you to eventually earn respect.
    
  • Be willing to give up the relationship, if the offense is serious or the offender dangerous, in order to protect yourself and potentially motivate the offender to change.
    

  “Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you.”
  (Proverbs 9:8)
  

• The Aggressive Approach: “My Way or the Highway”
  

  If your confrontation turns into an
  attack
  because you must be on top, you assume the position
  I win, you lose!
  

  Instead ...
  

  • Look beyond the short-term argument to win a mutually caring long-term relationship, which is the goal of successful confrontation. Seek to understand the deeper needs of your offender that are represented by the wrong behavior.
    
  • Look for healthy compromise to produce necessary behavioral change in order to preserve the relationship with your offender.
    

  “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”
  (Romans 12:19)
  

• The Passive-Aggressive Approach: “Have It Your Way—but You’ll Pay”
  

  If you
  ambush
  the character of another person because you feel powerless, your goal is
  I lose, but you lose too!
  

  Instead ...
  

  • Avoid the trap of undermining the character of another rather than confronting directly. The temptation to slander or gossip is a passive-aggressive approach that fails to resolve the offensive behavior.
    
  • Retreat temporarily from your offender, if necessary, but don’t let your need to collect your thoughts be a reason to avoid confronting directly.
    

  “A wise son heeds his father’s instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.”
  (Proverbs 13:1)
  

• The Assertive Approach: “God’s Way—the Best Way”
  

  When you
  assertively
  confront because you care about the relationship, thereby offering hope for a change in behavior, your goal is a win-win solution—
  We both win!
  

  Realize ...
  

  • The reward of an assertive confrontation is greater trust and respect, which results in a deeper and more satisfying relationship. And confrontation is a means for greater unity in the body of Christ.
    
  • Assertive confrontation may produce short-term conflict, but it is often the means for long-term gain. Relationships can be strengthened and people’s lives can be changed when you learn to confront assertively.
    

  “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought.”
  (1 Corinthians 1:10)
  

The Bible is a relational book. It reveals God’s holy standard for the way we are to interact with one another. You, therefore, have scriptural support to confront when someone violates God’s standard and steps over your moral, physical, or emotional boundaries—or those of another person.

#1
God declares that you are to show respect and are to be treated with respect.

“Show proper respect to everyone.”
(1 Peter 2:17)

#2
God declares that you are to speak truthfully from your heart and that others are to speak truthfully to you.

“Each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor.”
(Ephesians 4:25)

#3
God declares that you are to listen to others and that others should listen to you.

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
(James 1:19)

#4
God declares that you are to express appropriate anger and to have anger appropriately expressed toward you.

“In your anger do not sin.”
(Ephesians 4:26)

#5
God declares that you are to give and to receive only justifiable rebukes.

“He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise.”
(Proverbs 15:31)

#6
God declares that you are to value and to protect your conscience.

“I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.”
(Acts 24:16)

#7
God declares that you are to say
no
without feeling guilty.

“Say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions.”
(Titus 2:12)

#8
God declares that you are to remove yourself from an abusive situation.

“Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered.”
(Proverbs 22:24)

#9
God declares that you are to bring opposing parties together to determine what is the real truth.

“The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.”
(Proverbs 18:17)

#10
God declares that you are to seek emotional and spiritual support from others.

“Let us not give up meeting together ... but let us encourage one another.”
(Hebrews 10:25)

#11
God declares that you are to appeal to a higher authority when necessary.

“If the charges brought against me by these Jews are not true, no one has the right to hand me over to them. I appeal to Caesar!”
(Acts 25:11)

We all have three God-given inner needs, the need for love, for significance, and for security.
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We can be controlled by fear if we adopt the wrong assumption that confronting an offender means that our basic inner needs will not be met. If you are unwilling to confront, you are living with the wrong assumptions. The Lord promises to meet your needs.

“My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19)

• WRONG BELIEFS ABOUT CONFRONTING:
  
  • The
    passive
    person says: “If I confront others, the end result will be bad—I will hurt, they will hurt, and our relationship will be hurt. By avoiding confrontation I can protect my basic needs from being threatened. The only way that I can please those around me is to keep silent.”
    
  • The
    aggressive
    person says: “If I don’t strongly confront others, the end result will be bad—I will lose, they will win, and my goals will not succeed. By strongly confronting, I can ensure that my basic needs are met. The only way I can reach my goals is to dominate others.”
    
  • The
    passive-aggressive
    person says: “If I confront, I could be rejected—if I don’t confront, I could be belittled. By masking my discontent, I can still find ways to make my point without risking personal loss. The only way I can reach my goals is to avoid direct confrontation but covertly attack from a safe distance.”
    
• RIGHT BELIEFS ABOUT CONFRONTING:
  
  • The
    assertive
    person says: “I will neither be afraid of nor exaggerate opportunities to confront. Knowing that I am deeply loved, eternally secure, and truly significant, I will be willing to confront with confidence, knowing that confrontation can produce positive growth and change.”
    

    “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
    (Galatians 1:10)