Conflicted (Secrets and Lies) (12 page)

As I lay in bed, my stomach became queasy at the many possibilities of what they could've gotten to execute vengeance upon someone. The guilt subsided in light of this new information but it was fleeting as Ethan crept into my thoughts. I wondered what his part was in all of it. He didn't strike me as someone that was cold or evil. Then again, he couldn't be oblivious to whatever Sean and Colin were up to either. I buried my head in my hands for even thinking about Ethan at all. I shouldn't care what his place was in all of it but I was having issues ignoring the way he made me feel. I had no clue what that was all about but it was becoming stronger by the day.

Our conversation flowed through my mind. I refused to entertain a discussion with every guy I had been with since Micah. Ethan had become an exception. He intrigued me and that scared me more than the shit storm of feelings he aroused with his looks alone. Ethan was easy to talk to when I was able to focus on the subject matter versus my sexual desires. I sensed we had more in common with one another than I cared to acknowledge. It was obvious that he had an interest in me.

I started tingling all over only to become angry that he had somehow slipped in and was messing with my body and head. I had little room for mistakes with my purpose there. Whenever he was around, I let my fascination with him dominate all my rational thoughts. Reason went out the window when he was near. I had put walls around my heart to keep people out. When Ethan was around, the walls rattled and urged to break down. If anyone tore them down, it would be him too. I rolled to my side closing my eyes to banish any further thoughts about his affect on me. I didn't sign up for this to feel again.

CHAPTER NINE

I couldn't rid Ethan from my thoughts for very long. He poked his head in left and right making it impossible to push him out. The harder I tried, the more he surfaced. It exhausted me to pretend like I had no interest in him. I couldn't chase him but that never seemed to stay in my thoughts for long. They drifted to his body or something he would say in passing. I reasoned that I couldn't be attracted to someone that had the capability of being that evil. Then thoughts of Micah sprang into my head making me question my judgment all together. The verdict was still out on Ethan.

I was sitting in a meeting with him and the rest of my team with the warmth in me stronger than ever. I didn't have to participate in the presentation and ended up staring at Ethan throughout the majority of the meeting. Every so often, he'd glance at me with a partial smile. I never pegged myself as one of those girls that had a thing for bad boys but being around Ethan made me question it. Micah was always in trouble even when we were kids. He had the bad boy swagger down to a T and expressed it freely. Ethan was a different type of bad boy. He kept me guessing every chance he got.

Somewhere in my daydreaming, the meeting ended and people were getting ready to leave. I pushed away from my chair grabbing my things. On my way out, I found myself staring into his dark brown eyes. Every day he would stare at me with such intensity that it made me desperate to know his thoughts. It was like I was a piece to a puzzle for him but he wasn't sure where he could place it. He motioned for me to stay. My body electrified with all the fire running amuck from staring at him throughout the meeting. I took a deep breath preparing myself for another go around

Ethan flashed his cocky grin making his dimples spread across his face. We stared at each other for a few minutes without saying a word. He was stunning in his black Armani suit topped off with a scorching red tie. My stomach tightened into knots as the rest of me tingled in all the right areas. Ethan closed the distance settling next to me. He brought his hands out of his pockets folding them over his chest. He grazed the side of my arm ever so slightly. Everything hummed at a higher level with that simple touch making my breath catch.

"Mia, I know we spoke the other night. This is a more of a formal conversation to determine how matters are going for you around here," Ethan said with a wide smile.

"It's been going great. I'm very lucky to be working with such a brilliant team," I stammered.

"I figured you would fit in good with them. It's important to me that things are going well for you here," Ethan responded.

His eyes drifted to mine with a slow burn that hit right to the core of me. I really wanted to touch him just to satisfy the yearning within me. My brain was close to leaving the building as the rest of me started to liquefy. I swore the temperature in this room went up at least twenty degrees in the last ten minutes. I shook my head to gather myself.

"I like this place far more than I ever thought I would," I confessed.

"Did you expect to have a hard time fitting in?"

"I had no experience coming into it so it was hard to say. It's worked out better than I could have asked for. I may end up being good at it."

Ethan rolled his eyes. "Mia, I doubt there are very many things that you aren't able to succeed at. It was your biggest selling point when I interviewed you."

"And here I thought it was my looks that got me the job," I blurted out.

Where did that come from? And why God...why would I ever say it out loud?

Ethan chuckled. "Your confidence in yourself was definitely a selling point too."

If I wasn't blushing before, I was now. I probably gave red a completely new shade. I nodded outright mortified. I had no clue where he saw confidence but the sincerity he had in his voice revved up my pulse. Ethan stared at me with a look in his eyes that was becoming more intense as each day passed. It was a cross of longing with a touch of mystery. My brain was using its last efforts not to lean into him to satisfy the wanton ache within me.

"I won't keep you any longer. I foresee good things for you here," Ethan declared.

The hot and bothered feelings disappeared with the chill that ran through me. I hated lying to him. It had not been easy thus far but lying as I looked into his eyes made me feel horrible. I needed to get away from him. I had become a hot mess. My body jumped from one emotion to the next faster than I preferred. It was also glaringly obvious that my control over what came out of my mouth was a problem.

"I'm going to head back upstairs to finish out the day. I appreciate that you asked how my position was going for me. It's good to know that you take a personal interest in your staff."

The argument in my head from earlier resurfaced. I was starting to believe that he didn't have the capacity to be as evil as everything else around here. He was dangerous but not anything like Sean and Colin. He was dangerous to me because of the way I felt about him. I needed to work harder to distance myself from those desires. I gathered my binders and started to back away from the table. Ethan gave me a parting grin before I opened the door briskly leaving the room.

~

The house was dark when I got home so my roommates were at class yet. I hid out in my room like a hermit. Ethan and Harrison's offer took up all my brain space. I thought about Ethan much more than why I was at that company.

Why would he come into my life now? I'm there to screw over his company not screw him. I want one way more than the other. That is one in a series of problems with me.

Since the beginning, I had difficulty separating myself from the people within Ethan's company. In the past, it had never been a problem for me to separate myself from the subject matter. It was why I was a fit for the opportunity. As Ethan stated, I kept everyone at a distance but he was becoming the exception to the rule and that pissed me off. I shouldn't be humanizing him. If Mother Nature could explain that to my body, then I'd be golden but that didn't seem like it was going to happen any time soon. Somewhere along the line, I had lost my touch or I was lost period.

A healthy reminder of why I ended up taking the offer was necessary. I could endure a few hours of pain to get my head straightened out. Something had to be done to shove Ethan out. I needed this undercover work to end so getting my shit together was imperative. It would be crushing to walk in and out of that company living a lie for much longer.

I forced myself to start thinking about Micah. He was the only thing that made the scars within my heart slice open. As I let him surface, the lacerations he left inside of me bleed remorselessly as the hurt increased almost as if vinegar ran through the cuts to reinforce the ache.

I thought about opening the letter that Micah left for me. I found it several weeks after he left but never opened it. I should open it just to get some closure. I wanted to believe that someday I'd be able to allow him into my thoughts and not have my insides go to shreds.

I hopped off my bed and opened my closet door. I dropped to my knees dusting off the box containing the letter and took a deep breath before retrieving it. I crawled back into bed turning the envelope over in my hands. Other than Trey, it had been so long since I had seen anything that reminded me of him. After he left, I shunned my memories of him. It took extra effort in our old neighborhood but I had managed to push them into a sealed box inside of me.

Now is the best time to read this so I can get my head screwed on straight again - if that is even possible anymore. If Micah's goal was to leave me utterly fucked up when he left, he achieved it. Most days I don't know which way is up let alone where my place is in all of it.

I ran my hand across his script as more memories filtered through my head making the pain kick up a notch. Even though I hated him, a tiny part of me missed him because he was one of my oldest friends. He knew everything about me. I opened up to him in every way. Apart from Bri, he got a side of me that I rarely shared. I never had anyone to share with at home so it had become second nature to lock it up. He had always been there for me. When he left me, it devastated me as deeply as it did because I had never been without him.

As much as I tried not letting them surface, the good memories of Micah crept in from time to time. It had not helped the situation that those memories of him made me realize how fortunate I was to have him and Trey throughout my childhood. Micah stayed around later in the days then Trey did almost as if he knew how much I hated being alone or with Chase. It destroyed me to admit that he was a huge reason why I was able to get through the loneliness of my childhood. He gave me hope that there had to be something better out there for me. It wasn't the agony of him leaving me but the pain of losing one of my best friends.

I clutched the envelope to my chest for a few moments longer. I let the love and the hurt and the sadness consume me before tearing into it. As I opened the letter, a photo tucked inside fell out. It was a picture of the two of us taken a few weeks before he took off. I remembered it like it was yesterday. We were goofing off in bed and happy as ever. He grabbed the camera saying he wanted to remember it forever. Since we were forever, Micah wanted to document it with all the others that we had together. It was the typical self-posed shot but the love between us was undeniable. My heart throbbed to have an actual visual of him over what was running through my head. I tossed it to the side and folded over the letter.

Mia,

If you're reading this now, then you know I'm gone. Baby, I'm so sorry. If there was any other way, I'd be right there next to you doing everything I could to take away the pain. You have to believe me when I say that this is the only choice I had. I love you so much so this is tearing me up inside.

I swear that if I could have stopped what happened I would have but these people used you against me. I thought when I became involved with them that it would be business as usual. I was wrong because it was you that they wanted all along. When the only choices were your life or getting you kicked out of school, I chose your life. I don't know why they wanted to do that to you but I'm going to get to the bottom of it. I won't return until I know exactly what is going on. I have given them what they needed so they won't hurt you. It also buys me more time to figure everything out.

I can't take you with me to find out this information and I can't explain it all either. It needs to seem like I left you without a second thought. I've already led them to believe that was the case so I could go off on this lead. I know you have the strength in your heart to walk away from what has happened and I need you more than you need your career. You are my everything.

I'm so sorry for hurting you Mia. I'll never forgive myself. I know this doesn't make sense now but it will and I promise I will come back to explain it all. It hurts me more than you'll ever know to leave you. You have to remember that I love you more than anything in this world. I have to do this because I can't lose you. You are and will always be the only person I ever love...

I crumpled up the rest of the letter and tossed it aside. The pain had become intolerable. I had jumped to the conclusion that he had a hand in getting me expelled but now there was proof of it. Tears streamed down my face against my will. My head was a mess of confusion. What was he involved with that would leave him with the choices of keeping me alive or destroying me? What people did he get mixed up with this time? It made absolutely no sense. I should've known that somewhere along the line that his involvement in the various drug circles would come back to haunt me.

The old saying is true - love is blind - or stupid - take your pick.

As I laid lost in thought, footsteps and voices echoed down the hall. Trey and Bri were home for the night. I figured that they would head into his room for their nightly romp so it surprised me when there was a light tap on my door. I sat up wiping my eyes.

"Come in," I sniffed.

Bri opened the door popping her head around the corner without looking at me. "Hey, I missed out on talking with you yesterday. How did you survive work after being up all night drinking with us?"

Coming into the room, she had a bright smile only to have it vanish when she saw my tear streaks. I tried to ease her worry by forcing a grin but it was a half-hearted attempt.