Confidential (16 page)

"I'm sorry, he just went out for a run. Are you the niece of Anna Risler?" She asked sweetly.

"I am. My name is Heidi." I stuck out my hand to shake hers, and couldn't help but peer into the house a little.

"Jane Holland,"

"It's nice to meet you Mrs. Holland."

"Oh please. Call me Jane, I feel old. Come in, its chilly outside. Would you like something to eat? I just made some turkey." She pulled out a plate for me, "I believe with your kitchen ware assistance as well." She let out a small laugh. Her voice was sweet and musical, and her laugh was almost girlish.

Camdon's house was not as I had pictured it. It was small, and very cramped. The whole house, every room, was covered in books. So many books I didn't even recognize, many well-known authors popped up; Plato, Shakespeare, Freud, Dickenson, Austin, the list went on and on. And it wasn't just literature, they had books on Quantum Physics, Calculus, tons on the sciences, and in the kitchen, many cookbooks. It was hard to concentrate on one thing, because there were so many stacks of books, titles and names my eyes all grazed over.

"Have you read all of these?" I asked in amazement.

"No." She stated simply, putting a plate of turkey in front of me. "That stack right there just came in, I haven't finished Gaia Theory or Paradisio, I'm reading it in Italian this time, have you read Paradisio?" She asked casually.

I shook my head, never hearing of it before. "It's the third installment of Dante's Divine Comedy. It's beautiful, especially because the verses flow so much better, having the original rhyme scheme and iambic meter."

She began to explain to me the premise of the story, and why it was such a great poem, and "Italy's greatest piece of literature", and all I could do was sit there in awe and listen to what she had to say. Everything that came from her mouth was enlightening; she not only knew what she was talking about, but unlike a lot of brilliant people I met, she knew how to convey to me its appeal and best of all, she said it in normal English, not some wordy vocabulary to stuff a speech.

"Are you a teacher?" I asked, still marveling at how much she just
knew
things
.

"No." Sadness crossed her face for a fleeting moment. "I work in the office of the elementary school, and part time as a nurse. It gives me more flexibility with Ella," She explained. Her eyes gazed over slightly, thinking into a distant past, "Maybe someday, when she gets older, I'll get my degree, and hopefully come back and be an educator."

"You'd be a brilliant teacher. I learned more from you in ten minutes than I did any of my English teachers in my three years of high school." I spoke honestly.

"Thank you," She laughed, "I'm not exactly sure when Camdon will be home, he left a little upset. You guys run in the mornings don't you? You know how it helps clear the mind."

I nodded silently. Camodn's mother seemed to be quite a chatterbox, taking no notice in my quiet disposition, instead, continuing to push the subject, not unlike Camdon himself.

"I'm assuming something happened between you two today, because as soon as he walked through that front door, he looked all angered and upset." I was a little surprised at these words, Camdon always seemed so unfazed to me. "He gets all emotional and flustered when he feels guilty. You should have seen what he was like when he was younger." She let out a small, twinkling laugh, "I would take him with me to my jobs, and he was so mad at me, for one reason or another," She waved her hand airily, " He threw a temper tantrum, and about five minutes later had picked a bouquet of flowers from the offices garden to give to me."

I continued to watch her chuckle at memories of Camdon when he was young. I could see how close they were, and I could see how different their entire family dynamic was from mine. This house was a home; everything in it from pictures, kindergarden drawings, to the cluttered stacks of books. It was extremely personal, I finally understood what Camdon was saying, every thing about my old house seemed so cold in comparison.

I was right in the middle of trying to withdrawal myself from this setting, it was a bit overbearing, when Ella's voice could be heard crying from upstairs, and the phone started ringing.

"Oh goodness." Jill blew some hair from her eyes, and picked up the phone, "Could you go get Ella honey? Thanks."

I was momentarily stunned. I hated children. They were so annoying and demanding. The crying gave me a headache, and I could not keep up with their constant needs. Cringing, I walked up the stairs with dread, and followed the cause of my growing headache to stand above Ella's crib.

Ella looked exactly like her mother, but with darker skin tone. She had her brown hair and big brown eyes, with an olive tone completion. She was holding onto the bars of the crib, big tears rolling down her face, as she opened her mouth and absolutely wailed.

I hesitantly reached into the crib and picked her up. I wasn't exactly sure how I should hold her, but Ella took care of that problem for me, instantly wrapping her arms and legs around me, clinging to my neck.

I let out a choking noise, but Ella only stared at me, like I was trying to amuse myself. I sighed and brought her down the stairs, her grip tightening with every step. I was just grateful she stopped crying.

Jill looked up at me from the phone, worry lines etched on her face. "Heidi, I am so sorry, but I have to go pick up my husband, his car just broke down… Camdon should be home any minute, could you please watch her for just a little while?"

The stress practically oozed off her body, and as much as I wanted to pry off the little girl and just give her back to Jill, my conscious tugged at me, warning me not too.

I could do nothing but nod; afraid I would let out an angry huff and a rude remark.

The relief that displayed on her face was worth biting my tongue, "Thank you, and don't be worried, Ella doesn't talk, but I'm sure you'll manage to find everything just fine. Camdon should be home soon. Don't be too hard on him, I'm sure he didn't mean it!" She ran out the door and I heard her back out of the driveway.

What had I gotten myself into?

The minute Jill pulled out of the driveway, I attempted to pry Ella from my body, with no success.

I let out a cry of frustration. "Can I please put you down?"

She just stared at me blankly. I frowned, "You should be talking by now shouldn't you? Aren't you two or three or something like that?"

Still no answer. I grumbled and walked to the coach and awkwardly sat down, while Ella adjusted herself so she was curled up in my lap, and stuck her thumb in her mouth.

She snuggled herself closer and her eyes flittered up to stare at me. I sat there, looking down at her, my arms hanging limply at my sides, unsure of what else to do with them. "You're actually really cute. Just don't start crying, or I'll change my mind."

Ella gave me another one of her blank stares, and I briefly wondered if she had some type of problem. She wasn't nearly as responsive as I thought a child was supposed to be.

After several moments of her clinging to my side, she finally released her grip, and slid off my lap, going into the other room, only to reappear several moments later with crayons and a coloring book.

She plopped on the couch, snuggling next to me, handing me crayons and began coloring a picture of Belle from Beauty and the Beast. I stared at her in amazement.

"You're like a little person." I spoke outloud, with wonder. I took a couple crayons and helped her color the page.

For some reason, I started talking to Ella, "Your brother is something else." She continued to scribble on the book.

"I've never met anyone like him before. But he's definitely gotten around. And what am I supposed to do? I'm not going to be here forever." I bitterly sat and thought, what would it be like when I left? I felt comfortable in Iowa for sure, it made me feel safe. Frustrated, but safe. I wasn't worried that walking somewhere at night could get me mugged, and I could go to sleep without being terrified of the thought of someone finding me. And Dylan is the most sincere friend I've ever had… and Marcus knows just how to make me laugh. And Camdon. Camdon's voice made my heart swell, and whenever he touched me I could feel my whole body heat up. He trusted me, confided in me, and just wanted me to feel the same way, and I threw it in his face. How can I wreck the best thing about this place? No one has ever acted remotely interested about how I was truly feeling, or noticed when I was upset. So why was I throwing away the one person who actually did?

Guilt flooded my whole body. I could never tell him… but I wished with every molecule in my being that I could. It would be such a relief, to explain how angry I was about being kept in the dark, how nervous I was to see them again in court, and how I was still scared. I would never be able to have the same naivety that I once had, the world was different to me now, there were people out there who were destructive, evil, and merciless.

If only I could make him understand.

At that moment Camdon opened the door violently, and Ella, startled, gave him
a
wide-eyed look. He thundered past us, so focused he didn't even notice me. But I noticed him; the frustrated look on his face, and how he lifted his shirt up to wipe the sweat off his face, his abs glistening after the work out. My heart pounded at my nervousness, and just stared at him with a guilty look on my face, as he did a double take upon re-entering the room.

"What are you doing here?" He asked suspiciously.

I got up and walked over to him, his eyes searching my face curiously. I closed the distance between us by gently wrapping my arms around him and pulled myself into
a
hug.

"I'm sorry." I murmured into his chest.

He wrapped his arms around me and sighed.

I could have stayed there forever, just like that, but I needed to give him some explanation, "Now's just a really weird time in my life." The statement hung in the air, as if waiting for him to take it, until he finally responded.

"Okay."

He offered nothing else and I relaxed my body into his, relieved just to admit that something was going on, even if I couldn't quite tell him.

Camdon seemed to realize this and gently pulled me in front of him, so he could take a look at me. I felt squeamish; his strong blue eyes pierced right through me.

"Let me say something," I instantly tensed up, and he shook his head, feeling my weariness, "Just listen."

My eyes couldn't
break
away from his as I heard him say, "I know there is something wrong, I can tell. I have no idea what it is, but you don't want to talk about it, that's fine. But I know what it's like to have a problem gnaw at you like that, so please, please, if anything gets bad, just come talk to me."

I treated his words with silence, until I finally gave in, and nodded.

"Good." He said, shifting his gaze from my face to something behind me. "Why are you babysitting Ella?"

I looked at the girl, harmlessly staring at us, and holding a broken crayon in her hand.

"Um… Your mom had to go pick up her husband, your…"

"Stepdad." He said firmly.

"Right. Anyway. I said I would watch her."

He looked up at me curiously, "She just came and got you?"

"No." I said defensively. "I was already here."

He grinned, "Why?" He asked in mock curiosity.

My face flushed and I turned away, but he turned me back to face him, laughing.

"My face is red." I said embarrassingly.

"I like it, it's cute." He sat down on the couch and pulled me on top of his lap.

"No it's not. " I tried to duck my head under his chin but he put both hands on my face, looking at me with those deep eyes again.