Confessions (6 page)

I hurried through the hospital corridor to the nurse's station. “Mildred Stephenson's room, please.”

The nurse looked down at the board, then pointed to the right. “Room 7B. Last door on the right.”

I nodded, then turned on my heel and walked as fast as I could, knowing I was going to have to hear my mother's mouth. I knocked once, then pushed open the door. Mama looked my way and rolled her eyes.

“I'm glad you could make it.” The sarcasm was obvious in her voice.

I pressed my lips together and decided to ignore my mother, considering I hadn't gotten the message she had left on my cell phone until after six. I've told her a thousand times, if it's important call me at work, not on my cell phone, which I usually put on silent while I worked.

I pretended she wasn't standing there and turned to the woman beside her, who looked like she had aged ten years since I last saw her at Thanksgiving. “Hey, Aunt Charlotte.”

She gave me a sad smile. Apparently, she had been crying. “Hi.” I gave her a big hug, then moved over to the bed and stared down at the woman lying there. Big Mama was everything to me.

“What happened?” I waited for one of them to speak, and when neither did, I swung around and pierced them both with an impatient look. Mama signaled for me to step out the room and talk in private.

“She fell last night in the bathroom and was too weak to get up.”

Tears stung the back of my eyes at the thought of my grandmother lying on a cold floor all night.

“I went over there this morning and was knocking with no luck. I had to call the police to come and break the lock to get us in.”

“Why was she by herself last night?” I was so pissed.

My mother dropped her head, but not before I noticed the guilt in her eyes. “She insisted she be left alone. You know your grandmother. The last thing she wants is a babysitter.”

“That may be so, but that's exactly what she needs.” Sometimes I felt like the only adult in the family. “What's her doctor say?”

Mama released a long breath before replying, “She has congestive heart failure.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning…” Tears flooded her eyes. “Her heart is…is drowning in fluid.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, then reached over and wrapped my arms around Mama and held her for a few seconds. I released her, then stepped into the room, took a seat by the side of the bed and held onto my grandmother's hand. Touching her was comforting. The way she always felt to me.

Aunt Charlotte rose. “Since you're here, we're going down to the cafeteria.”

I simply nodded. They left and I was glad to have some time alone with Big Mama. I reached up and brushed her silver hair away from her face. It was long, very fine and hanging loose on her pillow. The result of a mixed heritage. Big Mama would have a fit if she saw her hair all over her head. She was one of those who believed in always looking her best. I guess I got that from her. Although when I first decided to grow my locks, she couldn't understand why I insisted on growing that nappy stuff on my head.

“Well, if it isn't my little chickadee.”

I smiled down into Big Mama's gentle brown eyes and fought back the tears. I didn't want her to see me crying. “You know good and well nothing was stopping me from coming down here to see you. I even brought you a surprise.” I reached inside my purse and pulled out a Granny Smith apple.

Her eyes sparkled. “I ever tell you that's my favorite apple?”

I nodded. “Yes, you've told me.” But I never grew tired of hearing the story.

“I remember I used to clean this old white woman's house. She had one of those big fancy houses on the north side with a pretty white picket fence. She loved having me work for her better than all her other maids. Ms. Ellie used to call me that pretty colored girl.” She paused for a moment, lost in her thoughts. “Anyway, I was getting ready to head home one evening and I was hungry. She had a beautiful fruit bowl of apples. I asked her if I could have one of her Granny Smith apples and I would bring one in the morning to replace it. Ms. Ellie told me no…I couldn't have a Granny Smith…I could have a Jonathan apple. Humph! They all had bruises on them, and I don't care for those apples…never have. I took one look at Ms. Ellie, then walked over to the bowl, took me a Granny Smith and bit into it.” Big Mama chuckled. “I said good night and left the house.” She paused again and frowned at the IV in her arm. I moved around to her right and adjusted the surgical tape as she continued. “The next morning I came back, and when she opened the door, I handed her the prettiest Granny Smith apple I could find, and said, ‘I told you I'd bring you another apple.' Ms. Ellie started laughing and said, ‘Mildred, you so funny.'”

I laughed and stared down at my grandmother's smiling face. That's just the way she'd always been—a woman with a mind of her own. She didn't let anyone stand in her way. This was the woman who I could always turn to when I couldn't talk to my mother. Big Mama never judged. She simply listened, then gave her opinion whether you liked it or not. She always believed in allowing her children to live their lives, because to her the biggest lesson was finding out for yourself.

“You think when I get home I can get you to bake me one of those coconut cakes?” she asked. Big Mama was lying there, breathing heavily. I tried not to think about the fluid surrounding her heart. Talking was starting to be too much for her.

I squeezed her hand. “Sure, Big Mama. Whatever you want.”

She covered my hand with hers and closed her eyes. For the longest time, I sat there listening to her breath. Loving the way she felt. Enjoying the way she smelled.

“You know I'm not going to be here forever,” she finally said, breaking into the silence.

I had to swallow to remove the sob that had filled my throat. “I know, but I'm not ready for you to leave.”

“Hmmm…that's too bad 'cause I'm ready to go…and be with my Lord. You know I gave my life to Jesus Christ when I was a little girl? I've been preparing my whole life to meet him.”

“I know, Big Mama, but I wish you wouldn't say things like that.”

She gave me a narrow look. “I don't know why not. Everybody has their time. Don't you know your mother is talking about me moving in with her? Uhhh-uhhh…you know I always said, I didn't wanna be a burden on any of my children.”

“You could never be a burden. I would love for you to come and live with me.” Even though I offered, I knew what she was talking about. It was nothing like having independence.

“That's worth considering. Only I don't wanna put anyone out.” She laughed. “Could you see me living with your mother? She would drive me crazy with all that smoking! No…what I want…is to stay in my own house…cook my own meals…sleep in my own bed.”

I nodded. “I understand. Just know I love you and the offer stands. All the years you took care of me, there ain't nothing I won't do for you.”

“I know, chickadee…but baby…Big Mama is tired. Getting up in the morning is becoming hard work.”

I knew she wasn't getting any younger. I'd seen how slow she had become the last year, but I still didn't want to hear my grandmother talking about dying. I wasn't ready for her to go. And probably never would be. “I just wanna make your life as comfortable as possible regardless where you live.”

“What would Donovan say about me…moving in wit y'all?”

“Big Mama, you know Donovan loves you as much as I do.” I dropped my eyes, but I couldn't lie to her. “I don't know if you could tell, but he and I've been having some problems.”

She took a deep breath. “I could tell something wasn't right…. I figured you'd talk about it…when you were ready.”

I moved closer. “I thought maybe when he got back we would work on our relationship, but I guess not.”

She gave me a stern look. “That's because you young folks don't know how to talk to each other. Marriage isn't sacred like it was while I was growing up. When I married your grandfather…I knew it would be forever. He was my first…my only. I didn't wanna spend my life with anyone but him. When he died…I lost a piece of myself.” A single tear rolled from the corner of her eye onto the pillow. “Yes, Thaddeus was such a good man.”

“I miss Grandpa.”

She patted my hand. “And you were his favorite. All he wanted was for you to be happy…have a family of your own.” Her expression grew serious. “Have you been by to visit your daughter?”

I quickly shook my head and rose. Standing in front of the window, I looked down into the crowded parking lot below. “No. Not since her birthday.”

“Well…next time you see her…send her my love.”

When I turned around, tears were running down my face. “I'll do just that.”

“You wanna dance?”

I turned around, and it took everything I had not to scream. Dude was sporting an Afro and wearing a shiny purple polyester shirt he left half buttoned, revealing his nappy chest hairs. I wished I had a comb in my purse.

“Nope. I'm still sipping my drink.” I brought the glass to my mouth just to keep from laughing. One of his front teeth was gold…the other was missing.

“No problem. How about saving me a slow dance?”

I shrugged. “We'll see.” The last thing I wanted to do was to promise him a dance, then I would never get rid of his homely ass.

He walked away looking pleased by my answer just as I spotted Trinette weaving through the crowd with two martinis in her hands. Trinette moved up to the table looking fierce in a cream pantsuit with a plunging neckline, showcasing her twins.

“What you doing with Lamont Sanford?”

I sputtered on my drink, laughing. “You're stupid.”

Trinette slid onto the empty seat across from me, grinning as she shook her fresh weave. “Girl, puhleeze. He looks like Super Fly.”

“You ain't neva lied.”

We had been at Studio Blue for almost an hour, and I was actually having a good time. The club was crowded. The music was R&B without the hip-hop, and the men were definitely dressed to impress without their pants falling off their asses. It definitely makes a difference when a club has a thirty or older age requirement.

“Oooh! I almost forgot to tell you. I put a contract on a house,” Trinette announced over the thump of the music.

“Already?” Damn, she moved fast.

Her dark, expressive eyes twinkled with excitement. “Yep. I told you I was.”

“Yeah, but I didn't think it would be that soon. Where at?”

“What did I tell you the other day? Webster Grove. Four bedrooms…three baths…beautiful kitchen with granite countertops.”

“For what? You don't even cook.”

Trinette shrugged her shoulders. “Doesn't matter. I still want the best kitchen in town.”

I brought the fresh drink to my lips. “What Leon say?”

“I haven't told him yet,” she began between sips. “But I'm sure I won't have any problems with him.” She wagged her eyebrows for a little added emphasis.

I took another sip and didn't even bother to comment. Trinette took her husband for granted, while I, on the other hand, would have given anything to have made my marriage work. Part of me was envious, because Donovan and I had planned on buying another house as soon as the bookstore started to make a profit. My accountant had just given me last quarter's numbers, and they were even better than before. I had planned to someday get up out of North County and move to an area with a better school district for Mimi that—

Nope, I wasn't going to go there. For one night, I was not going to dwell on the past. I planned to drink martinis, laugh, flirt and dance the night away.

“Are you okay?”

I blinked rapidly, then looked across the table at Trinette's worried expression. “Yeah, I'm fine.”

“It looked like I lost you there for a moment.”

“I'm fine,” I said between sips, trying to convince myself as well.

She sipped her drink and I watched as her eyes traveled across the room. “Don't look now, but there's someone at the bar checking you out. You just might be lucky enough to get you some before the night is over.”

I turned my head.

“I said don't look,” Trinette mumbled quickly.

I pretended to focus on my drink. “Who is that?”

“Don't you know? Girl, that's Kenyon.”

I gave her a puzzled look. “Kenyon who?”

“Kenyon Monroe. He hangs out with Jay all the time.”

Discreetly, I glanced over to the direction of the bar at the man she was referring to. Daaayum. He was a tall, dark chocolate morsel with cold, black wavy hair, dressed in charcoal slacks, a white shirt open at the chest and not a knotty hair in sight. I had seen him around for years, admiring him from afar, but I had never met him. Only heard about him. He was an insurance agent whose office I rode by almost every morning. “Yeah, I know who he is.”

Trinette's gaze was riveted to the bar. “Nikki, he's a cutie.”

“Yes, he is,” I had to admit. “He's also a ho. He's gone through half the females in North County.”

When she started laughing, I knew she had heard the rumors as well. “Well, he
is
cute.”

“
And
he's married.”

She shook her head. “Nope, he
was
married. Camille passed away last year from breast cancer. Jay said Kenyon was there by her side when she died.”

I had to admit, I felt moved by the thought of a man being there with me until I breathed my last breath.

Between sips, I glanced over in his direction. Jay Tatum was standing next to him. He definitely had a reputation of being a ho. I knew because he and Trinette had been dipping and dabbing off and on for years. Kenyon and Jay were surrounded by all those hoochies. Clothes too tight and too damn small. Kenyon was smiling, and I had to admit he had a beautiful smile. No gold teeth, and none were missing as far as I could tell. He whispered something in a hoochie's ear that made her rest her hand against his solid chest. I couldn't help but wonder what he was saying. I don't know how long I was staring at him before he noticed me looking, and I couldn't help but to smile in his direction.

“Nikki?”

Damn! I turned around quickly and found Trinette watching me with a speculative gleam in her eyes. “You want me to call him over here?” Trinette offered.

I frowned. “No.”

“Too late. Here he comes.”

I brought my glass to my lips and tried to pretend I hadn't noticed.

“Whassup, ladies?”

I glanced up at Jay. “Hey.” We grew up in the same hood. Even after all these years, he still had a body like a linebacker. He was too pretty for my taste. Long wavy hair. Tall. Butter pecan complexion and sexy bedroom eyes.

“Whassup, Jay?” Trinette said with a roll of her eyes. They had a long, crazy history. Their personalities were too much alike to take each other serious. Jay's mama had been killed in an auto accident involving a city street sweeper. He hired a lawyer and won a three million dollar lawsuit. Jay hadn't worked a day since. He had money and was stingy with it, but Trinette had a way of making him spend it on her.

Kenyon stopped in front of me. I had no choice but to look at him.

“Hello,” he said, and smiled. I was right. His teeth were so pretty but nothing compared to his eyes. They were large, brown and amazing, surrounded by thick, long lashes. To distract myself from this cutie, I turned my attention back to my drink.

He held out his hand. “I'm Kenyon.”

As I accepted his handshake, I tried not to look interested. “I know who you are.”

His smile deepened and so did his dimples. “I hope you heard good things.”

“Yes and no,” I said, releasing his warm grip and reaching for my drink again.

“That's too bad.”

“For you…yes, it is.” I gave him a bored look and glanced over his shoulder.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

I held up my glass. “I already have one.”

“Can I buy you another?” He wasn't ready yet to give up. Have to say, I liked his style.

I shrugged. It was hard acting nonchalant when you're attracted to someone. And this man definitely had my ass on fire. The sooner I got him the hell away from me, the better I would be. “Maybe later.”

“Okay, then how about a dance?”

The music had slowed down. I watched Jay and Trinette move out onto the dance floor, then shook my head. “Maybe later.”

“Is that your answer to everything?”

I rolled my eyes. “It is when I don't wanna be bothered.” I paused and took a deep breath. I was being rude. “Look. I didn't come here tonight to be picked up. I'm just out having a good time with my girl.”

Kenyon held his hands up in surrender. “No problem,” he said, trying to conceal his disappointment, then turned and walked away.

Now that he was a safe distance away, I sipped my martini and watched him out of the corner of my eye. I was rude and knew it, but he was not at all what I was looking for. Not that I was looking. I had finished my drink by the time Trinette returned.

“What happened to Kenyon?”

“I sent him away,” I replied.

“Why in the world would you do that?” Trinette asked, leaning back in her seat, shaking her head with bewilderment.

I frowned. “Why do you think? Because I'm not interested.”

“Nikki, you haven't had any dick in months!”

I glanced over at the next table to see if the three females had heard. They gave me a crazy look, and I was quick to give them one back. “Thanks for telling everyone my business,” I snapped.

Trinette sighed to show her annoyance, then shook her head again. “You said it was time to move on. What in the world is wrong with you?”

I rolled my eyes, making sure she knew I was serious. “Just because I'm horny doesn't mean I'm gonna pick up the first ho who comes my way.”

Trinette hesitated as if she wanted to make sure she chose her words carefully. “You know I love you, girl, but you said so yourself, you need some. I didn't say marry the dude. Fuck him and send him on his way. Remember, you said it's time for you to move on…not me.”

Yeah, and Donovan said the same thing.
It's time to move on.
I know…I know. I needed to start living again.

“You know I love you. Only you know when you're ready.” She gave me a sympathetic look.

A waitress moved up beside me holding a tray. “Here you go, ladies. Compliments of the man standing at the end of the bar.” She put two fresh apple martinis in front of us.

I glanced down at the end of the bar and spotted Kenyon looking at me in a way I hadn't seen in a long-ass time. I mouthed “thank you,” and he nodded. I could feel my temperature rising and the spot between my thighs becoming moist as he continued to stare. I forced myself to look away. That man was not making resisting him easy at all.

“Mmm-hmm, I see you looking. You need to quit playing and go over there and talk to him,” Trinette suggested with a smirk. “In the meantime let me go see who that tramp is all up in Jay's face. Trust and believe, if he's going home with anyone tonight, it's gonna be me.” She sashayed away. I could tell by the way Trinette was shaking she knew she had several men staring her ass down as she passed. Trinette was definitely something else. She didn't want Jay, yet she hated to see him with anyone else.

I was sipping my drink when my hairdresser, Denise, came over and took a seat across from me. She was one of those hoochies I was talking about. Too thick and had way too many babies for the black spandex dress she was trying to wear. But she did a hell of a job on my locks.

“Whassup, girl?” she said, bracelets dangling at her wrist.

“Hey, Denise.”

“Nikki. Giiirrrl…” she sang, then leaned in close so I could hear her over the hum of the music. “Kenyon wants to holla at you.”

I sucked my teeth, then snuck a peek over in his direction and rolled my eyes. “He's tired. I'm sick of dogs tryna bark at me.”

“Girl, puhleeze give my boy a bone. Don't believe everything you hear. He was good to Camille.”

I gave her a curious look. “What about all the rumors of him dogging her out?”

Denise tossed a hand in the air. “They're just that…rumors. You know I'm not gonna lie for no nigga. He's legit.”

“I'll take that into consideration.”

“I will tell you, though…” She paused and looked around like somebody might accidently overhear. “I heard he ain't working with much, but that might just be rumor too.” I looked down at her pinky finger. My eyes grew large, and she and I both started laughing.

“No, you didn't just say that!”

“Like I said…it's probably just a rumor. You know bitches be hating. Anyway, he's feeling yo ass, so please give him a break so I can get my drink on.”

I chuckled and watched her walk away, rocking her hips to the sounds of Usher. As soon as Denise returned to her seat, I allowed my eyes to travel over to where Kenyon was standing, in the same exact spot as before, at the end of the bar with Jay. He pointed to his glass, asking me if I wanted another drink, and I nodded even though I had yet to finish the other. Hell, might as well have a good time. It wasn't like anyone was at home waiting for me. I was lonely, and it was time for me to start having some fun. I had just finished my drink by the time Kenyon swaggered in my direction carrying another.

“Thanks,” I said. Yes, Lord, he smelled good.

“I was starting to think maybe something was wrong with me, so I sent my girl Denise to the rescue. You make a brotha have to beg.”

I smiled. “Nah, never that. Just not interested in brothas trying to holla at me tonight.”

“What changed your mind?” he asked, giving me a curious look.

I pointed my finger to the right. “Denise put in a good word for you.” As well as shared another rumor. I put the rumors aside for a while.

“I'll have to make sure I thank her.”

He smiled, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't do something to me. Kenyon had the most beautiful set of teeth and dimples to die for. Up close I could see how fine and wavy his hair was. He must have some Indian in him, and his skin was like a melted candy bar.

“Let's try this again.” He held out his hand. “Kenyon Monroe.”

I accepted his warm handshake…again. “Nikki Truth.”

He leaned in close to me. “I know who you are. I've been watching you for a long time.”

I liked the way that sounded. I also liked that his breath smelled like cinnamon Altoids. Nothing worse than a brother with funky breath. “Really…. You've been watching me?”