Compulsive (Liar #1) (4 page)

He chuckled, shaking his head. “I don’t really work
like that.” He pulled out his wallet, flipped it open, and dug into one of the
pockets. “Here’s my card. It has my email and number on it. You can message the
list to me, and I’ll take a look.”

I stood, taking the card from his hand as my mouth
pulled into a tight line. A sense of irrational rejection washed over me. Dr.
Harrison had just sealed my fate. “Thank you for your time, Doctor.”

He stood awkwardly; his hands landing on his hips,
making his broad shoulders seem wider. “Good luck to you, Gray. Take care.”

It appeared Superman wasn’t going to come to my
rescue. I left the café, and before I exited the hospital, I pulled the
referral list from my purse and let it fall into the trash.

--------------------------

Somewhere near midnight, an obnoxious pounding roused me from my sleep.
I clicked off the television I’d fallen asleep to minutes earlier. My feet hit
the floor at the same time the realization of who was at my door hit me, simply
by the nature of the knock. Disappointment filled my heart when it became clear
that it was not Nathan. We hadn’t communicated once since he left my apartment
last week. I had dialed his number several times before clicking off. I had
deleted half-written texts. The ball was in my court. That was certain. My
choices were to give him what he wanted or to apologize and beg forgiveness. First,
I had to figure out which would hurt less. Neither option motivated me to act.
I shuffled in my pajama bottoms and T-shirt out of my room. “Yeah! I’m coming!”

“It’s about damn time,” Alyssa said as I pulled open
the door. She stood with a phone in her hand and a tattered backpack on her
shoulder.

I left the door wide and lumbered over to an armchair
where I collapsed, running my hands across my bedhead. Alyssa shut the door and
sat across from me on the couch. Her jeans looked like they’d been cheese
grated and her blue crop top showed her belly ring.

“Sorry. I thought you’d be up.” Her features softened,
showing me the innocent face of a sad and beautiful teen.

“I am now.” I pulled up my knees, wrapped my arms
around my legs, and rested my chin on them.

“You see this shit?” She leaned over and held the face
of her phone toward me.

“Sorry.” I shook my head.

“A kid calls her mother ten times you’d think she
would answer one freaking time!”

Alyssa and her mother moved in about two years ago.
Classic latchkey situation. She went from a sweet thirteen-year-old obsessed
with animals and books to a tattooed and pierced fifteen-year-old who read
trashy novels and swore like sailor. At least she hadn’t lost her love of the
animal kingdom. For an apartment with a no pet policy, she’d smuggled her way
through a couple of hamsters, a dozen cats and at least three dogs.

“She at work?” I asked her.

“I don’t know. Maybe. She hasn’t been working on Friday
nights. I came home an hour ago, and I’m just sitting there waiting at the door.
She’s probably out with that loser, Teddy.”

“That guy from the bar?”

“No, they broke up. Teddy’s the bald one with the
gross beard that always has crap in it.”

I expelled a short laugh. “I’ve seen him before. You
really need to get that key made.”

“She said she would do it yesterday.” Alyssa jumped up
from the couch and went to the kitchen. “
She
loses her key, and I’m the
one shit outta luck. Got any soda?” She pulled the refrigerator door open and took
out a drink as if I’d answered.

I got up and checked the front door to make sure it
was locked. “Text your mom and let her know you’re staying over. You know where
everything is. I’m going to bed.”

A few minutes later, I heard a noise and saw a shadowy
figure in my doorway. “Gray?”

“Yeah?” I said through the darkness.

“Do you think you’ll ever be a mom?”

I paused and breathed out. “You know I hate kids.”

“There is that.” I felt the smile in her response.

“Plus, I’m probably sterile from all my drug and
alcohol abuse. You should keep that in mind. There’s your PSA for the night.
Now, go to sleep.”

She continued to linger in the doorway.

“What? C’mon, I need my beauty rest.”

After a moment, she said, “Sometimes I wish…you were
my mom.”

I sat up on my elbows and looked her way. “You know
what I think?”

“What?”

“Someday you’re going to have a kid. And you’re going
to be the most kick-ass mom there is…because you know what a kid needs and what
it feels like to not get it.”

“You really think so?”

“Look at how you take care of all those animals.”

“That’s because they’re helpless, and I love them.”

I lay back down on my pillow. “Babe, you just
described a mother.”

The next morning I woke with a start, my eyelashes
dampened, a feeling of emptiness washing over me. The memory of whatever dream
I had been having loomed just beyond my reach. I closed my eyes, attempting to
grasp it, even though my gut warned me I shouldn’t. A memory flashed behind my
eyelids of my mother walking barefoot on the beach, her belly extended out
about eight months’ worth. A seven-year-old Gray skipped blissfully ahead, clearing
a path for her like a snowplow in the winter. Along with the image came a clear
memory of my mission that day. I’d been picking up tiny shells from the sand.
Not to collect them, but to protect my mother. To make sure she didn’t step on
anything that made her fall and get hurt or hurt my new baby brother.
I’m
fine, Gray
, she had laughed.
But you can’t see past your belly.

A noise from the front room yanked me back to the
present. I wandered out, almost forgetting that Alyssa had stayed over. She sat
at the table, which was set with two plates of stacked pancakes. Glasses of
juices at twelve o’clock with place settings at three. “Wow,” I said,
approaching her. “I’m impressed.”

“I was waiting for you,” she said eagerly. “I just
warmed these in the microwave.”

“Thanks.” Eating a pound of carb-loaded flapjacks was
the last thing I wanted to stuff into my gut right then, but I took the syrup
and poured it heartily onto my plate.

She waited for me to take the first bite before
digging into hers. “Are they good?”

Her straight, jet-black hair featured weaves of purple
and streamed down over shoulders. The combination of dark hair and dusky eyes
paled her skin in the morning light. The angelic grin on her face took me back
to when we first met, leaving me with a trace of sadness. “Best pancakes I’ve
ever tasted.”

She rolled her eyes and continued eating. A gaggle of
metal bracelets clanked against her plate as she ate.

“Did your mom teach you how to make these?” I asked,
hopefully.

“Right. Nathan taught me,” she said around a mouthful.

“Oh.” Simply hearing his name made me miss him. It
wasn’t like we saw each other every day, but knowing we weren’t right killed
me. “So, have you heard from your mom?”

“Yeah.”

“So…did she say anything about last night?”

She kept her head bowed toward her plate. “No. She
said she works later, so she told me
I
had to go get another key made.”

“Well…at least it will get done.” I smiled, but she
wasn’t looking. I watched her as she ate in a trance, knowing she was
disappointed in her mother, her exuberance over her cooking accomplishment
dissipated. I felt for her, but I couldn’t bash her mother. It wouldn’t help.
And at least she was working so she and Alyssa could stay in Sonoma. Our
apartments were far from wine country estates, but they weren’t dumps either. “How
about if I go with you? We could stop at the duck pond on the way. I’ve got
some old bread in the cupboard.” School would be back in session soon, and
these were moments to be cherished.

As if someone had plugged her in, her head popped up,
and she lit up like a Christmas tree. “Really?”

“Sure. After breakfast, you go home and change, and
I’ll be ready in about an hour.”

Alyssa inhaled her pancakes and agreed with ease to my
offer to do the dishes. After she left, I began tidying up the kitchen,
wondering when I could squeeze in a run to burn off the calories I’d ingested. I’d
put on a few pounds over the last couple of weeks, and even though I probably
needed them, the scale still taunted me. Drinking less would have helped if I
hadn’t made up for it with food.

My phone rang as I filled the dishwasher. Evyn calling
on a weekend was not a positive sign, but I couldn’t avoid her much longer.

“Hello.”

“Gray, we need to talk. Do you have a sec?”

“I’m good…and you?”

“Sorry, hon, but I’m not the one avoiding my calls.”

“I wasn’t avoiding you, boss. I’ve been up to my
eyeballs in this new therapist ordeal. Calls, research, interviews. It all takes
time. I have to be thorough this time. That Dr. Wallace was something out of
the Salem Witch Trials.”

 “Uh, huh.” She paused. “Well…I’d like to get together
for coffee this afternoon if you’re free. I have some things I want to talk to
you about.”

My phone beeped as she finished her sentence. I
quickly glanced at the screen and didn’t recognize the number, so I ignored it.
“This afternoon? Damn, that’s going to be tough. I need to pick up my neighbor
at the hospital.”

A sigh came through the receiver. “Gray.”

“Seriously…I was just there yesterday visiting her,
and she’s coming home today but doesn’t have a ride.” I held my breath. At
least I really had been at the hospital.

“I saw your dad at church last Sunday, Gray.”

“Was he in a casket?”

“Oh my God.”

“What? What do you want me to say? So you saw my dad.
Great.”

“He looked good. Clean…probably. He asked about you.”

I shook my head as my throat closed up.

“Gray?”

I swallowed and shoved his image from my brain,
attempting to focus on anything else. The sink, the dishes, the blanket from
Alyssa still on the couch. And then, Clark Kent popped into my head. I hadn’t
seen that one coming. I pictured him sitting across from me, sipping his
coffee, smirking as he’d turned his head to the side. I took a breath. “Cut to
the chase, Evyn. Do I still have a job or what?”

“Of course, you do…especially since you’ve been
working
so hard
to find a new therapist.” Her emphasis on the words ‘so
hard’ was strong enough to vibrate the phone, but then she softened. “I just
think it’s better for you to have this time away until you work out this new
adjustment.”

I never asked Evyn to be my surrogate mother. We were
the same age, for Christ’s sake. And I didn’t need a guardian angel forcing me
to right the wrongs of my life. But I put up with her crap demands because I
needed the job, and she was one of the few who had stuck with me since high
school. “I’m working on it…honestly.” I went back to the vision of Dr. Harrison,
and it became abundantly clear what I had to do. “And I think we should get
together soon. The truth is…Alyssa needs me today. I swear to you, Evyn. That’s
the God’s honest truth. You can even call and ask her.”

“Okay. Text me later, and let’s set up a time. Even though
you’re on leave, I have some client questions and some numbers to double check
with you.”

“Of course, I will.”

“Take care of yourself, hon.”

“Yep.” I was about to hang up when a sense of urgency
flooded through me. “Evyn…I…you know I…”

“I know, Gray. Talk to you soon.”

I clicked off the call only to hear the immediate
alert of a waiting voice mail. The number I hadn’t recognized.

“Hello…Miss Gray.”

Holy crap. That was his voice. I pressed pause, then set
it back to the start.
Miss Gray. I bet he said that on purpose
. That
thought caused a nervous grin to spread across my face.

“Hello…Miss Gray. This is Dr. Harrison. I hope you
don’t mind me contacting you, but I felt it was important. I happened to notice
that as you exited the hospital you
accidentally
dropped your doctor
referral list into the trash. I’m sure you could probably have Dr. Wallace
resend it, but I happen to know she’s in route back home. So, I’d like to get
this back to you ASAP. If you plan to visit your friend today, why don’t you
meet me in that same cafeteria around one? I’m on my way to the hospital now.”

--------------------------

Alyssa was less than ecstatic to learn of our detour as she sat in the
passenger seat cradling a full loaf of bread. I assumed most teens would be
glued to their phones texting or doing whatever social media trend was popular,
but Alyssa rarely had hers out. I wondered if she had any friends or a
boyfriend. I never brought it up. Another one of my
don’t ask, don’t tell
relationships.

“I don’t get it,” she said, staring out the window.
“Why do we have to drive out to some hospital in BFE?”

“I told you. I need to pick something up.”

“That’s
Bum Fuck Egypt
in case you didn’t
know.”

“Yeah, I got it. I’m not that old.”

“So, what do you have to get?”

“Look, it’s important. It’s for work. I could have
come back for you, but I didn’t want you disappearing on me.” I looked over to
smile at her, and she met me with the same.

“Thanks. I guess I didn’t have shit to do anyway.”

“I thought we were going to work on that language.”

“I am.” She smiled. Then, she reached over and popped
on the radio, flipping through channels at lightning speed. When she stopped on
a hard rock station, she turned the dial up to thirteen in volume. I waited
until her head turned toward the window, so I could bump it up to an even
fourteen.

Music saturated the car as we drove down the freeway,
and my mind went straight to Dr. Harrison. He must have followed me out and had
seen me throw the referral list away. If he’d told Dr. Wallace, it would be a
letdown, and it would tell me what kind of man he was. I couldn’t understand
why that was so important to me, but I was also dying to know why he was at the
hospital in the first place.

“I hate hospitals,” Alyssa said, trailing me through
the chilly lobby.

It didn’t take long for the warmth of the summer sun
to be sucked straight from my skin. “Yeah, me, too.”

Our feet slapped against the tile and echoed off the walls,
alerting me of my increased pace as we made our way down the hall to the coffee
shop. Checking my watch, I realized I had five minutes to spare. I gave Alyssa
money to buy a soda, and I locked in on my view of the entryway, startling with
every person who walked through. It made no sense at all over something that
would probably be a two-minute handoff.

“Thought you said one o’clock,” Alyssa said at five
after. She tossed her soda cup into the trash and stood with her arms folded.

We had waited until one fifteen, sitting at the same
table Dr. Harrison and I had sat at a day earlier.
What is this guy’s game
?
My head heated as I stood, giving one last glance around. “Why isn’t he here?”
I said under my breath.

“
He
?”

I didn’t answer and walked toward the door.

Alyssa followed. “You didn’t say it was a
he
.
Is he hot? Doesn’t matter now ’cause he’s not here. What a royal ass. My mom
was right about at least one thing. You can’t count on men. Gray, why aren’t
you answering?”

“Never mind. Let’s just go.”

I evened my irrationally amplified heart rate with
some deep breaths as we headed back to the exit. I would worry about the
implications of the list and Dr. Wallace later, but something else needled my
brain. When we came to the place in the corridor to turn toward the exit, my feet
planted themselves in place.

“What? Why are we stopping?”

“C’mon. I have to check something.” I turned, leading
us back into the hospital wings I’d been in yesterday, taking the same turn
which led me to that treatment area where he spotted me. “Try to be quiet
here,” I said when we walked into the main area. There were several more people
this time, sitting and walking around. “Look.” I pointed to a small room off to
the side with a television and some chairs. “Can you please sit there for me? I
need a few minutes.”

Her shoulders plummeted dramatically as she sighed.
“Whatever.” I watched her until I saw her take a seat next to a woman, a small
boy playing with cars at her feet. All at once my ears rang with a boom
followed by raging silence. The boy turned his head to me as he ran his car
back and forth on the rug. Like a silent movie running in slow motion, he took
his hand from the car and raised it to his mouth. Then, he kissed two fingers
and held his hand to the sky, smiling sweetly at me. My eyes stung, I clutched
the side of my pants with one hand, struggling to take in air. When I felt my
knees start to give, I heard a screeching cry behind me.

“No! Leave me alone!” The distressed voice sounded
like it was coming from the end of the hall.

Heads in every direction turned that way, then around the
seating area to gauge others’ reactions. Confused and concerned glances were
exchanged. I looked again to the TV room where Alyssa shrugged at me and the
little boy lined up his cars as if he hadn’t heard a thing.

I held up a finger to Alyssa and turned toward the
scream, the same spot where I had seen Dr. Harrison yesterday. Two steps later,
I froze. There he was in the far back, leaning against the wall, his head hung
low wagging back and forth. A door opened across from him; a woman exited. A jagged
sobbing from what sounded like a young girl followed the woman out before being
cut down by the closed door.

The woman shuffled over to Dr. Harrison where she
leaned into him, his arm coming around her, pulling her closer. He rubbed her
shoulder, and his mouth released words I couldn’t hear. Queasiness filled my
stomach as he kissed the top of her head. Then, just as I started to turn away,
he spotted me. My heart skipped more than a few beats as our eyes locked. A
tight-lipped grimace seemed to convey a realization that he’d missed our
meeting time.

My feet led me toward them, carrying an awkwardness I
couldn’t escape. When the woman spotted me, Dr. Harrison said something to her.
“I’m going to go call Elliot.” I heard her say before nodding to me and walking
off.

“I’m sorry, Gray. We’ve had sort of an emergency
here.” He glanced over to the closed door the woman came from.

The sobbing continued along with incoherent words. The
door opened, releasing a nurse who attempted to cover her distress with a smile.
“I’ll try back in a few minutes.”

Dr. Harrison nodded.

“Look,” I said when the nurse passed us. “You’ve
obviously got your hands full here. I’m going to go.” I started to turn when
his hand touched my wrist, sending a chill along the back of my neck.

“Just a minute.”

I turned to meet his gaze, his features attempting to
mask something. A trace of sadness or frustration possibly.

He looked down at our hands, surprised they were still
touching and pulled his back. “It’s important I get the list back to you. I
don’t want to hold you up.”

“Sure. I don’t know how that slipped away from me, but
I appreciate you contacting me about it.”

He gestured with his head back the way I’d come from.
“My briefcase is over here.”

I followed him, past the TV room where Alyssa still
sat, and over to a separate seating area. A dark brown briefcase rested against
one of the chairs. A coffee cup and black spectacles lay on a table across from
the chair.

“You’re very trusting to leave this sitting here,” I
said, waiting for him to sift through the contents of the open bag.

It was then I noted his much more casual attire—snug
blue T-shirt, loose-fitting jeans, and tennis shoes. “Yes, well…” As he pulled
the sheet of paper out, others came along with it, causing him to fumble with
the case and loose papers. A few fell to the floor, and we both bent to get
them. A drawing of a young girl caught my eye. I reached for it, but Dr.
Harrison swiped it up and returned it to his case. “Thank you,” he said as we
both stood. I’ve been spending quite a bit of time here lately and…” His
attention was drawn back toward the room by another outburst.

“I don’t want anyone in here right now,” the young
voice cried. Another nurse lingered in the doorway—this one looking haughty and
annoyed—before giving up and leaving.

Whoever that distressed girl was, she wasn’t getting
her message across. My heart went out to her as I listened to her cries and
moans still audible beyond the door. No matter what medical issue she had to
deal with, I understood that feeling of not wanting to be comforted by people. The
necessity to be alone, away from pitying eyes, away from people making your
pain a reality to be dealt with. “That poor girl,” I whispered to myself,
staring down the hall.

When I looked back to Dr. Harrison, he was staring at
me thoughtfully. “That’s my niece.”

“Oh…Is she going to be all right?”

“She has leukemia.” He took in a slow breath, turned
his gaze down. “She’s only fourteen. Going through chemo.” His whole demeanor
appeared darker, more unstable than he was before.

“I’m sorry. That must be so horrible and scary for her.”

“She was actually being quite strong and mature until
some of her hair started falling out this morning.”

“Oh. I understand her reaction now. Hair is important
to a young girl.”

“Apparently. It’s just that…” Helplessness flashed
across his face briefly. He looked down at the list in his hand. “Anyway, here
you go.” He forced a tight smile. “Hang on to it this time.”

“Thank you. I’ll try.” I took the list, folding it
into my purse. “What were you going to say?”

“It’s not important. The important thing is getting
Jessica through this and getting her healthy again. Good luck to you, Gray.”

“You, too.” I offered a smile I don’t think he noticed.

He turned his back to me, setting the soft leather
briefcase back down, signaling my required exit. I followed my orders
hesitantly, glancing over my shoulder with concern as I went. Something
wouldn’t let me walk away. No matter how much I was like Jessica, that didn’t
mean I didn’t have empathy for someone else’s pain. I returned to sit next to
the good doctor who leaned over in the chair with his face buried in his hands,
looking anything but a superhero.

I placed a gentle hand on his firm bicep. “Can I help?”

His head turned to me. His tired eyes met mine and
then narrowed. Had I made a mistake butting in? It felt as though I had invaded
his personal space. Then, he grinned sweetly. “Thank you. I appreciate the
offer, but there’s nothing you can do.”

He stared straight ahead for a few moments; he ran his
hand through his hair before he looked at me again. As much as I’d hoped to
give one last shot to obtaining him as my therapist, I couldn’t bring it up at
a time like this. Instead, my mouth shot out something worse.

“I can see how hard this is for you. You know, just
because of your profession doesn’t mean you should feel bad about…”

His brows knotted as I spoke. “Is that what you think
this is about? Me feeling insignificant?”

I shrugged, disguising my contentment. “You’re not the
only one who knows how to read people.”

“Well, you’re dead wrong. I love Jessica. And yes, I
wish I could help her through this. God knows, I’ve tried. But if
I’m…distraught or frustrated, it’s because I feel for her.”

“All right. No need to get defensive.”

“I’m not…” He let out a sharp breath and shook his head.
A quick chuckle escaped him. “Look, I’m just trying to be there for her…and my
sister. She’s going through this alone with her husband gone overseas.”

“That must be really tough. I’m sure they both
appreciate that.”

Before I finished, he stood, fixing a hard stare down
toward the aisle that led to Jessica’s room. “I’m sorry, Gray. Excuse me.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Did you hear that?”

I didn’t understand what he meant until I realized the
crying had stopped at some point. In the doorway, a nurse stood with her hand
on her hip. She clicked her head to the side and giggles rang out from inside
the room, floating our way. Dr. Harrison strode over with me in tow. The
giggles turned to robust laughter seconds before we arrived.

“I’ll let you deal with this one,” the nurse said,
patting him on the shoulder as she walked off.

We stalled in the doorway, shoulder to shoulder, my
mouth dropping open at the sight of Alyssa sitting on the hospital bed next to
a sweet-looking, cheery-faced girl. “I take it her hair didn’t look like that a
few minutes ago,” I said when I glimpsed Alyssa holding a pair of scissors,
long strands of hair scattered around the bed. The girl ran her hand over her
short punk hairstyle and down to the thin rat tail in the back. I couldn’t stop
the giggle that escaped me.

Dr. Harrison looked to me as if to determine how to
address the situation. “Wow…that looks…” The girl’s bright expression began to
fade waiting for his reaction. “…incredible,” he said. “And, who’s your new
friend, Jessica?”

“This is Alyssa,” she said, smiling. “She thinks with
this new haircut I should call myself Jessie.”

Dr. Harrison stepped into the room; my feet took my
unwilling body. I’d wait for an opportune time to escape.

“Jessica…”

“Uncle Daniel, please. I really like Jessie.”

“All right. Jessie. The hair looks fantastic on you.
Don’t know what your mother’s going to say, but, honey, you understand what
else could happen, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, Dr. Richter said I could go completely
bald. I know. Alyssa said I could get some hot wigs if that happens.”

Alyssa looked at me and shrugged. I should have known
her lost puppy routine would transfer into humans at some point.

“Maybe we should go and let you two talk,” I said.

“No, I want Alyssa to stay,” she whined. “She was
about to do my makeup.”

“Makeup?” We turned to the woman standing in the
doorway. “And your hair. Oh my God!”