Compulsion: Magnetic Desires (7 page)

To me she was oxygen, and I guess I couldn’t see past that to realize how bad we were for each other." Orion’s silent for a minute before he starts again.

"I got a phone call. She was upset, and I thought she’d broken up with Zack. My first thought was that I could make her mine. My second was that my favorite girl was upset and she needed me, so I drove to her house, determined to be everything she needed. That terrible day was the beginning of the end of our friendship as we knew it."

September 2009

Sitting on the couch, I held her against me while she dug into a tub of ice cream with a teaspoon. "So the doctor said I have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease." Another mouthful of ice cream, and a tear slipped down her cheek. "Basically, I’ve had an infection for a while now, and it’s caused inflammation and scarring in my tubes."

"Shit, Clo. Did they have any idea how it happened?" I tightened my hold on her.

She sagged into my side, her head on my shoulder. "They said it was most likely a bacteria, and it's been going on for a while now. My tubes are..." Her shoulders shuddered, her voice cracking, "I’m not going to be able to have kids."

Tucking her head under my chin, I breathed in the soft vanilla of her shampoo. "I’m so sorry, Clo. You would have been an amazing mom."

"I wanted that, to be a mom. We’d talked about it. I’d dreamed about the kids we’d have." She shuddered and brushed her hand over her eyes.

"It’s going to be okay. There are other ways..." Unsure if there was anything I could say that wouldn’t be wrong in this situation, I trailed off. All I wanted to do was take this heartbreak from her. Seeing her hurting like this hurt me, though I couldn’t imagine wanting kids myself. Not as long as the only person I loved enough to commit to a lifetime with was the one girl I couldn’t have.

"You know, it’s not the fact I can’t that gets to me. It’s the fact I have to tell Zack I’m defective. What if... he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he leaves me for someone who can give him what he wants?"

I cupped her cheek to gaze into her eyes.
Zack doesn’t deserve you. Never has
. "You are perfect as you are, Clo. If Zack doesn’t see that, then he’s a fool who doesn’t deserve one minute of the years you’ve given him."
If I were him, I would appreciate every minute, every tiny second you gave me, and it wouldn’t matter that you can’t have kids as long as I had you.

She bit her lip, and the way she peered at me through those lashes of hers. Goddamn, it took all my control not to show her she’d be better off without him. The way her hip shifted against mine when she turned into me, her hand clutching at my chest, made me freeze. All it would take was the tilt of my lips to hers to set off a chain reaction that wouldn’t end until she was beneath me.

"You always know how to make things better. Why didn’t I fall in love with you?"

That was a good fucking question. One I’d never worked out the answer to. I’d never forgotten her taste, or the way that sweet mouth of hers had clung to mine while she explored my body.
Don’t fucking complicate it.

An inch maybe, it wasn’t much, between me and my addiction. Too late, I pulled back, but she was already chest-to-chest with me, her lips pressed against mine. I circled her waist with my hands, undecided. It would be so easy to have her. A groan reverberated through my chest when she wound her arms around my neck and pressed closer. Fuck Zack, she was supposed to be mine.

But it wasn’t about me. She wasn’t kissing me because she wanted me. My own needs couldn’t cloud my mind enough to make me forget that her pain was keeping her from thinking straight, and if I did this, if I let it happen between us, she would regret it. With shaky hands, I pushed her away.
You fucking pussy, Orion, have at her. Make her scream your name. Make her realize she belongs with you.
"Don’t do this."

"I need you." She clung to me, her tits pressed against my chest, and I itched to touch her, to run my hands all over her body.

Instead, I pushed her away. "No, don’t, Clo. You don’t mean this."

"Orion, please."

Anything you want, babe. You want me to bend you over the couch? Just say the word. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time.
If she were smart, she wouldn’t say anything.

"I want you." She did for the moment, but it wasn’t enough.

Pushing her from my lap, I leapt from the couch, accidentally sending her to the floor. "You mean everything to me, Clo." Hands curled into fists, I rubbed at the ache in my chest. "But, don’t fucking ask me to make an ass of myself because your boyfriend is a douche bag. He should have been here, not me."

He was supposed to love her, but fuck if I could see it. "You mean too much for me to let you ruin us for a bit of comfort."

Wide eyed and pale, she hugged her arms around her knees, tears streaming down her face, and all I wanted to do was scoop her up and take her home with me where she belonged. I couldn’t trust myself not to, so I put distance between us. Both of us would regret this moment for different reasons, if I didn’t leave now. "I’ve got to go."

"I’m sorry." Leaving a part of myself behind, I opened the door. This friendship of ours, it was irreparably broken because I could never just see her as my friend. I couldn’t keep being the guy she turned to when shit went wrong.

"I know." Palm to the wall, I hesitated. Not sure how to finish this without hurting her more. "Maybe it’s time we stopped pretending this friendship still works."

"Please don’t say that." She sobbed harder, the sound becoming muffled as I turned to find her burying her face in a cushion. "I don’t want to lose you."

"Damn it." I slammed my hand against the door and trod back over to her. My words left a bitter taste in my mouth. Squatting in front of her, I tugged down the soggy pillow. "Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean it."

"You did," she said, "and I don’t blame you."

I had, but she had to know I could never stay away. Did she understand how much power she held over me? "I love you, babe. I’m not going anywhere."

"I love you, too," she said, her voice cracking as she gazed at me. If I’d taken advantage of the situation, if I’d pushed her, would she realize that what she felt when she said those words, was more than friendship?

"Call Zack, and let me know how it goes." Half numb, I left her there on the floor. How could I stay, when all I wanted to do was show her what it would be like to be loved by a real man?

"I
t was a while before we were comfortable around each other. We both regretted that night, for different reasons. In hindsight, that was the moment I should have told her, should have held her and shown her what she needed was me. She kept her distance, and the quiet between us spoke of her regret." Orion does up the buttons on the cuffs of his shirt.

He reaches out of camera view for a silk tie and begins the process of knotting it. "It was awkward. We didn’t talk the way we used to. I would catch her reaching out to touch me and snatching her hand away. It was hard to lose that part of our friendship. The ease of it, but neither of us could let go."

April 2010

I stood at the front of the church. The suit was too tight and I rolled my shoulders, trying to loosen the constrictive feel of the stiff material. It didn’t help. Tugging at my collar, I turned to Chris. He smirked and dug me in the ribs with his elbow. "Are you ready for this circus?"

You’re not ready for this. Why did you agree to be here? Fuck, you’re a sadomasochist.

I wasn’t ready, but it was too late to do anything, wasn’t it? Birdie sat in the front row; her hair twisted up into a French braid, the icing on the simple azure dress she wore. She mouthed at me, "It’s going to be all right."

No it wasn’t, not this time. What the fuck was I doing here? I swallowed, trying to ignore the dryness in my mouth. How much longer would I be stuck in this torturous suit? The music started, and Clo glided down the aisle. She was the most beautiful bride I’d ever seen in a strapless dress that gathered around her waist and skimmed her hips, trailing out behind her. Tiny crystals caught sunlight, sparkling with each slow, tentative step she took towards the altar, and I froze in place, unable to tear my gaze away. Her wide-eyed gaze settled on me for a fraction of a second and her lips curved in a tiny smile. No matter how much I wanted to run from the church, I couldn’t. If this made her happy then I’d support her, no matter how much it fucking sucked. She stood right in front of me, and I wanted to reach out and take her hands and tell her she was beautiful.

Instead, Zack took her hand in his and whispered in her ear, causing her mouth to turn up as she gave him a watery gaze. Clamping my mouth shut, I watched them take their vows in front of the minister, knowing I was saying goodbye for the last time.

She turned to him, and I listened to her say her vows with tremulous adoration. Staring at her, I pretended she said them to me, letting myself linger in the moment, until he slid a plain gold ring on her finger. Something in my chest shifted as he brushed his lips over hers for the first time as husband and wife. There was no place for me in this life of hers, and there never had been. I’d been fooling myself all along.

After the wedding, I went with the bridal party to the reception. One of Clo's bridesmaids, whom she had met in college, tried to sweet talk me into finding somewhere private to carry out the old bridesmaid, groomsmen tradition. Instead, I made my way to the bar and ordered a scotch, double, neat.

I took my drink and found my seat, having no plans to move until the opportunity for escape presented itself.

The scotch refills got me through dinner and the cutting of the cake.

"Come on, Orion, you have to dance with the bride," Clo said, coming up to me as the band started yet another slow song.

I got up since she would hound me until I did. Besides, she was the bride, and I could never say no. Wasn’t that why I was here at their fucking wedding in the first place? Putting down the scotch I’d been nursing, I let her lead me onto the dance floor. She took her time arranging the train of her white gown before she placed my hands on the small of her back and wrapped her own around my neck. "You know how to dance?"

I answered her by swinging her around, her feet not touching the floor, before settling into a waltz.

"I'm so happy, Orion."

"I'm glad. You are by far the most beautiful bride." I meant every word.

"We need to find someone for you."

I’d rather be kicked in the balls. "I'm happy the way I am. Don't you dare set me up with any of your friends."

"Fine. I only want to see you happy, like I am."

The song ended, and Zack made his way over to claim his bride. "Time to go, sweet-thing."

She leaned in and kissed my cheek. "I'll see you when we get home from our honeymoon."

I waved goodbye with the rest of the crowd as they drove away. When everyone else went in, I took a cab home.

I crashed through the front door and stumbled over my own feet, shedding my shoes and jacket. My tie landed on the back of the couch and slid down behind it. Fuck clothes, and weddings, and stupid girls who couldn’t see they were making the biggest fucking mistake of their lives. Kicking off my pants, I fumbled with the buttons on the stupid shirt. I just needed a damn scotch. Okay, a couple of scotches. Buttons scattered over the floor as I yanked free of the shirt, balled it up, and dumped it in the trashcan.

There wasn’t enough scotch to ease the damn freezer burn in my chest. I already knew that, leaning heavily towards being drunk and all, but to hell with it. Tonight was the kind of night where the only way through was passed out. Snatching the bottle off the shelf, I poured a liberal shot. Well, might have been a shot and a half, no two, if I were being honest. Leaning heavily against the counter, I gulped it down.

"Orion?" Birdie strolled in like she owned the place. "Oh Lord, put some clothes on." She caught an eyeful of my boxers as she entered the kitchen.

"What are you doing here?" I growled and poured another, eyeing the level in the glass a little more closely.

Planting her hands on her hips, she glared at the bottle before turning to look at me the same way. "I came to check on you."

"Leave me alone."

"No." She slapped my chest hard, leaving her handprint. "You’re being an idiot."

"Says who?"

"I do. What are you going to do? Drink until you pass out?"

Leveling my gaze at her, I drained the glass in one swallow. "Sounds like a plan to me."

"Sometimes, big brother, you are such a douche." She snatched the bottle before I could pour another. "You’ll pass out, but then what? You still have to wake up tomorrow, only you'll feel worse, and more scotch won't fix it, trust me."

"What do I do then, little sister? If you're so smart, you must know the answer."

"Maybe it’s time you put all this crap behind you?"

"Don’t you think I’ve tried?" I watched her flinch.

"What I think is you play hard at using women, while the one woman you wait for is never going to be yours. Stop pining after her like a dog, Orion." She poked me hard in the chest. "It’s time you gave up on her. Date someone real and try to move on."

"How am I supposed to do that?" I groaned, sinking my face into my hands.

She glanced at the bottle in her hand and passed it back to me. "I guess you just have to get out there and do it."

I poured another shot, swirled it around the glass and watched the amber liquid spin. "Sometimes, Birdie, I can’t stand your logic." I set the glass down. "If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed. You can let yourself out."

"Ha. That’s what you think." She hefted herself up to sit on the counter. "I’m moving in with you."

"The fuck you are," I growled. "Now is not the time to try and piss me off."

"Go to bed, Orion. We’ll talk in the morning."

"O
f course, Birdie was right. She always is, and don’t ever try and tell her she’s not." He chuckles and slaps his knee. "Birdie had been living with me for a month, and I waited for her to corner me to have that chat she’d promised. Although I liked to stir her up, I was grateful to have her under my roof, but I missed strutting around my house in the nude and I wondered when she’d move out and start living her own life. I was over Clo, and I’d gotten back into the swing of life without her, again, but Birdie wasn’t living her life and that bothered me. I’d even gone on a few dates, not that they had amounted to anything."