Complete Works, Volume I (18 page)

BEN
. Cadbury's.

GUS
(
up the hatch
). Cadbury's!

BEN
(
handing the milk
). One bottle of milk.

GUS
(
up the hatch
). One bottle of milk! Half a pint! (
He looks at the label.
) Express Dairy! (
He puts the bottle in the box.
)

The box goes up.

Just did it.

BEN
. You shouldn't shout like that.

GUS
. Why not?

BEN
. It isn't done.

BEN
goes to his bed.

Well, that should be all right, anyway, for the time being.

GUS
. You think so, eh?

BEN
. Get dressed, will you? It'll be any minute now.

GUS
puts on his waistcoat.
BEN
lies down and looks up at the ceiling.

GUS
. This is some place. No tea and no biscuits.

BEN
. Eating makes you lazy, mate. You're getting lazy, you know that? You don't want to get slack on your job.

GUS
. Who me?

BEN
. Slack, mate, slack.

GUS
. Who me? Slack?

BEN
. Have you checked your gun? You haven't even checked your gun. It looks disgraceful, anyway. Why don't you ever polish it?

GUS
rubs his revolver on the sheet
.
BEN
takes out a pocket mirror and straightens his tie.

GUS
. I wonder where the cook is. They must have had a few, to cope with that. Maybe they had a few more gas stoves. Eh! Maybe there's another kitchen along the passage.

BEN
. Of course there is! Do you know what it takes to make an Ormitha Macarounada?

GUS
. No, what?

BEN
. An Ormitha –! Buck your ideas up, will you?

GUS
. Takes a few cooks, eh?

GUS
puts his revolver in its holster.

The sooner we're out of this place the better.

He puts on his jacket.

Why doesn't he get in touch? I feel like I've been here years. (
He takes his revolver out of its holster to check the ammunition
.) We've never let him down though, have we? We've never let him down. I was thinking only the other day, Ben. We're reliable, aren't we?

He puts his revolver back in its holster.

Still, I'll be glad when it's over tonight.

He brushes his jacket.

I hope the bloke's not going to get excited tonight, or anything. I'm feeling a bit off. I've got a splitting headache.

Silence.

The box descends
.
BEN
jumps up.

GUS
collects the note.

(
Reading.
) One Bamboo Shoots, Water Chestnuts and Chicken. One Char Siu and Beansprouts.

BEN
. Beansprouts?

GUS
. Yes.

BEN
. Blimey.

GUS
. I wouldn't know where to begin.

He looks back at the box. The packet of tea is inside it. He picks it up.

They've sent back the tea.

BEN
(
anxious
). What’d they do that for?

GUS
. Maybe it isn't tea-time.

The box goes up. Silence.

BEN
(
throwing the tea on the bed, and speaking urgently
). Look here. We'd better tell them.

GUS
. Tell them what?

BEN
. That we can't do it, we haven't got it.

GUS
. All right then.

BEN
. Lend us your pencil. We'll write a note.

GUS
,
turning for a pencil, suddenly discovers the speaking-tube, which hangs on the right wall of the hatch facing his bed.

GUS
. What's this?

BEN
. What?

GUS
. This.

BEN
(
examining it
). This? It's a speaking-tube.

GUS
. How long has that been there?

BEN
. Just the job. We should have used it before, instead of shouting up there.

GUS
. Funny I never noticed it before.

BEN
. Well, come on.

GUS
. What do you do?

BEN
. See that? That's a whistle.

GUS
. What, this?

BEN
. Yes, take it out. Pull it out.

GUS
does so.

That's it.

GUS
. What do we do now?

BEN
. Blow into it.

GUS
. Blow?

BEN
. It whistles up there if you blow. Then they know you want to speak. Blow.

GUS
blows. Silence.

GUS
(
tube at mouth
). I can't hear a thing.

BEN
. Now you speak! Speak into it!

GUS
looks at
BEN
,
then speaks into the tube.

GUS
. The larder's bare!

BEN
. Give me that!

He grabs the tube and puts it to his mouth.

(
Speaking with great deference.
) Good evening. I'm sorry to – bother you, but we just thought we'd better let you know that we haven't got anything left. We sent up all we had. There's no more food down here.

He brings the tube slowly to his ear.

What?

To mouth.

What?

To ear. He listens. To mouth.

No, all we had we sent up.

To ear. He listens. To mouth.

Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.

To ear. He listens. To
GUS
.

The Eccles cake was stale.

He listens. To
GUS
.

The chocolate was melted.

He listens. To
GUS
.

The milk was sour.

GUS
. What about the crisps?

BEN
(
listening
). The biscuits were mouldy.

He glares at
GUS
.
Tube to mouth.

Well, we're very sorry about that.

Tube to ear.

What?

To mouth.

What?

To ear.

Yes. Yes.

To mouth.

Yes certainly. Certainly. Right away.

To ear. The voice has ceased. He hangs up the tube.

(
Excitedly
). Did you hear that?

GUS
. What?

BEN
. You know what he said? Light the kettle! Not put on the kettle! Not light the gas! But light the kettle!

GUS
. How can we light the kettle?

BEN
. What do you mean?

GUS
. There's no gas.

BEN
(
clapping hand to head
). Now what do we do?

GUS
. What did he want us to light the kettle for?

BEN
. For tea. He wanted a cup of tea.

GUS
.
He
wanted a cup of tea! What about me? I've been wanting a cup of tea all night!

BEN
(
despairingly
). What do we do now?

GUS
. What are we supposed to drink?

BEN
sits on his bed, staring.

What about us?

BEN
sits.

I’m thirsty too. I’m starving. And he wants a cup of tea. That beats the band, that does.

BEN
lets his head sink on to his chest.

I could do with a bit of sustenance myself. What about you? You look as if you could do with something too.

GUS
sits on his bed.

We send him up all we've got and he's not satisfied. No, honest, it’s enough to make the cat laugh. Why did you send him up all that stuff? (
Thoughtfully.
) Why did I send it up?

Pause.

Who knows what he's got upstairs? He's probably got a salad bowl. They must have something up there. They won't get much from down here. You notice they didn't ask for any salads? They've probably got a salad bowl up there. Cold meat, radishes, cucumbers. Watercress. Roll mops.

Pause.

Hardboiled eggs.

Pause.

The lot. They've probably got a crate of beer too. Probably eating my crisps with a pint of beer now. Didn't have anything to say about those crisps, did he? They do all right, don't worry about that. You don't think they're just going to sit there and wait for stuff to come up from down here, do you? That'll get them nowhere.

Pause.

They do all right.

Pause.

And he wants a cup of tea.

Pause.

That's past a joke, in my opinion.

He looks over at
BEN
,
rises, and goes to him.

What's the matter with you? You don't look too bright. I feel like an Alka-Seltzer myself.

BEN
sits up.

BEN
(
in a low voice
). Time's getting on.

GUS
. I know. I don't like doing a job on an empty stomach.

BEN
(
wearily
). Be quiet a minute. Let me give you your instructions.

GUS
. What for? We always do it the same way, don't we?

BEN
. Let me give you your instructions.

GUS
sighs and sits next to
BEN
on the bed. The instructions are stated and repeated automatically.

When we get the call, you go over and stand behind the door.

GUS
. Stand behind the door.

BEN
. If there's a knock on the door you don't answer it.

GUS
. If there's a knock on the door I don't answer it.

BEN
. But there won't be a knock on the door.

GUS
. So I won't answer it.

BEN
. When the bloke comes in –

GUS.
When the bloke comes in –

BEN
. Shut the door behind him.

GUS
. Shut the door behind him.

BEN
. Without divulging your presence.

GUS
. Without divulging my presence.

BEN
. He’ll see me and come towards me.

GUS
. He'll see you and come towards you.

BEN
. He won't see you.

GUS
(
absently
). Eh?

BEN
. He won't see you.

GUS
. He won't see me.

BEN
. But he'll see me.

GUS
. He'll see you.

BEN
. He won't know you're there.

GUS
. He won't know you're there.

BEN
. He won't know
you
'
re
there.

GUS
. He won't know I'm there.

BEN
. I take out my gun.

GUS
. You take out your gun.

BEN
. He stops in his tracks.

GUS
. He stops in his tracks.

BEN
. If he turns round –

GUS
. If he turns round –

BEN
. You're there.

GUS
. I'm here.

BEN
frowns and presses his forehead.

You've missed something out.

BEN
. I know. What?

GUS
. I haven't taken my gun out, according to you.

BEN
. You take your gun out –

GUS
. After I've closed the door.

BEN
. After you've closed the door.

GUS
. You've never missed that out before, you know that?

BEN
. When he sees you behind him –

GUS
. Me behind him –

BEN
. And me in front of him –

GUS
. And you in front of him –

BEN
. He'll feel uncertain –

GUS
. Uneasy.

BEN
. He won't know what to do.

GUS
. So what will he do?

BEN
. He'll look at me and he'll look at you.

GUS
. We won't say a word.

BEN
. We’ll look at him.

GUS
. He won't say a word.

BEN
. He’ll look at us.

GUS
. And we'll look at him.

BEN
. Nobody says a word.

Pause.

GUS
. What do we do if it's a girl?

BEN
. We do the same.

GUS
. Exactly the same?

BEN
. Exactly.

Pause.

GUS
. We don't do anything different?

BEN
. We do exactly the same.

GUS
. Oh.

GUS
rises and shivers.

Excuse me.

He exits through the door on the left.
BEN
remains sitting on the bed, still.