Complete Works, Volume I (16 page)

BEN
. How do you know those sheets weren't clean?

GUS
. What do you mean?

BEN
. How do you know they weren't clean? You've spent the whole day in them, haven't you?

GUS
. What, you mean it might be my pong? (
He sniffs sheets.
) Yes. (
He sits slowly on bed.
) It could be my pong, I suppose. It's difficult to tell. I don't really know what I pong like, that's the trouble.

BEN
(
referring to the paper
). Kaw!

GUS
. Eh, Ben.

BEN
. Kaw!

GUS
. Ben.

BEN
. What?

GUS
. What town are we in? I've forgotten.

BEN
. I've told you. Birmingham.

GUS
. Go on!

He looks with interest about the room.

That's in the Midlands. The second biggest city in Great Britain. I’d never have guessed.

He snaps his fingers.

Eh, it's Friday today, isn't it? It'll be Saturday tomorrow.

BEN
. What about it?

GUS
(
excited
). We could go and watch the Villa.

BEN
. They're playing away.

GUS
. No, are they? Caarr! What a pity.

BEN
. Anyway, there's no time. We've got to get straight back.

GUS
. Well, we have done in the past, haven't we? Stayed over and watched a game, haven't we? For a bit of relaxation.

BEN
. Things have tightened up, mate. They've tightened up.

GUS
chuckles to himself.

GUS
. I saw the Villa get beat in a cup-tie once. Who was it against now? White shirts. It was one-all at half-time. I’ll never forget it. Their opponents won by a penalty. Talk about drama. Yes, it was a disputed penalty. Disputed. They got beat two-one, anyway, because of it. You were there yourself.

BEN
. Not me.

GUS
. Yes, you were there. Don't you remember that disputed penalty?

BEN
. No.

GUS
. He went down just inside the area. Then they said he was just acting. I didn't think the other bloke touched him myself. But the referee had the ball on the spot.

BEN
. Didn't touch him! What are you talking about? He laid him out flat!

GUS
. Not the Villa. The Villa don't play that sort of game.

BEN
. Get out of it.

Pause.

GUS
. Eh, that must have been here, in Birmingham.

BEN
. What must?

GUS
. The Villa. That must have been here.

BEN
. They were playing away.

GUS
. Because you know who the other team was? It was the Spurs. It was Tottenham Hotspur.

BEN
. Well, what about it?

GUS
. We've never done a job in Tottenham.

BEN
. How do you know?

GUS
. I’d remember Tottenham.

BEN
turns on his bed to look at him.

BEN
. Don't make me laugh, will you?

BEN
turns back and reads.
GUS
yawns and speaks through his yawn.

GUS
. When's he going to get in touch?

Pause.

Yes, I'd like to see another football match. I've always been an ardent football fan. Here, what about coming to see the Spurs tomorrow?

BEN
(
tonelessly
). They're playing away.

GUS
. Who are?

BEN
. The Spurs.

GUS
. Then they might be playing here.

BEN
. Don't be silly.

GUS
. If they're playing away they might be playing here. They might be playing the Villa.

BEN
(
tonelessly
). But the Villa are playing away.

Pause. An envelope slides under the door, right.
GUS
sees it. He stands, looking at it.

GUS
. Ben.

BEN
. Away. They're all playing away.

GUS
. Ben, look here.

BEN
. What?

GUS
. Look.

BEN
turns his head and sees the envelope. He stands.

BEN
What's that?

GUS
. I don't know.

BEN
. Where did it come from?

GUS
. Under the door.

BEN
. Well, what is it?

GUS
. I don't know.

They stare at it.

BEN
. Pick it up.

GUS
. What do you mean?

BEN
. Pick it up!

GUS
slowly moves towards it, bends and picks it up.

What is it?

GUS
. An envelope.

BEN
. Is there anything on it?

GUS
. No.

BEN
. Is it sealed?

GUS
. Yes.

BEN
. Open it.

GUS
. What?

BEN
. Open it!

GUS
opens it and looks inside.

What's in it?

GUS
empties twelve matches into his hand.

GUS
. Matches.

BEN
. Matches?

GUS
. Yes.

BEN
. Show it to me.

GUS
passes the envelope.
BEN
examines it.

Nothing on it. Not a word.

GUS
. That's funny, isn't it?

BEN
. It came under the door?

GUS
. Must have done.

BEN
. Well, go on.

GUS
. Go on where?

BEN
. Open the door and see if you can catch anyone outside.

GUS
. Who, me?

BEN
. Go on!

GUS
stares at him, puts the matches in his pocket, goes to his bed and brings a revolver from under the pillow. He goes to the door, opens it, looks out and shuts it.

GUS
. No one.

He replaces the revolver.

BEN
. What did you see?

GUS
. Nothing.

BEN
. They must have been pretty quick.

GUS
takes the matches from his pocket and looks at them.

GUS
. Well, they'll come in handy.

BEN
. Yes.

GUS
. Won't they?

BEN
. Yes, you're always running out, aren't you?

GUS
. All the time.

BEN
. Well, they'll come in handy then.

GUS
. Yes.

BEN
. Won't they?

GUS
. Yes, I could do with them. I could do with them too.

BEN
. You could, eh?

GUS
. Yes.

BEN
. Why?

GUS
. We haven't got any.

BEN
. Well, you've got some now, haven't you?

GUS
. I can light the kettle now.

BEN
. Yes, you're always cadging matches. How many have you got there?

GUS
. About a dozen.

BEN
. Well, don't lose them. Red too. You don't even need a box.

GUS
probes his ear with a match.

(
Slapping
his hand
). Don't waste them! Go on, go and light it.

GUS
. Eh?

BEN
. Go and light it.

GUS
. Light what?

BEN
. The kettle.

GUS
. You mean the gas.

BEN
. Who does?

GUS
. You do.

BEN
(
his eyes narrowing
). What do you mean, I mean the gas?

GUS
. Well, that's what you mean, don't you? The gas.

BEN
(
powerfully
). If I say go and light the kettle I mean go and light the kettle.

GUS
. How can you light a kettle?

BEN
. It's a figure of speech! Light the kettle. It's a figure of speech!

GUS
. I've never heard it.

BEN
. Light the kettle! It's common usage!

GUS
. I think you've got it wrong.

BEN
(
menacing
). What do you mean?

GUS
. They say put on the kettle.

BEN
(
taut
). Who says?

They stare at each other, breathing hard.

(
Deliberately
.) I have never in all my life heard anyone say put on the kettle.

GUS
. I bet my mother used to say it.

BEN
. Your mother? When did you last see your mother?

GUS
. I don't know, about –

BEN
. Well, what are you talking about your mother for?

They stare.

Gus, I'm not trying to be unreasonable. I'm just trying to point out something to you.

GUS
. Yes, but –

BEN
. Who's the senior partner here, me or you?

GUS
. You.

BEN
. I'm only looking after your interests, Gus. You've got to learn, mate.

GUS
. Yes, but I've never heard –

BEN
(
vehemently
). Nobody says light the gas! What does the gas light?

GUS
. What does the gas –?

BEN
(
grabbing him with two hands by the throat, at arm’s length
)
.

THE KETTLE, YOU FOOL
!

GUS
takes the hands from his throat.

GUS
. All right, all right.

Pause.

BEN
. Well, what are you waiting for?

GUS
. I want to see if they light.

BEN
. What?

GUS
. The matches.

He takes out the flattened box and tries to strike.

No.

He throws the box under the bed.

BEN
stares at him.

GUS
raises his foot.

Shall I try it on here?

BEN
stares.
GUS
strikes a match on his shoe. It lights.

Here we are.

BEN
(
wearily
). Put on the bloody kettle, for Christ's sake.

BEN
goes to his bed, but, realising what he has said, stops and half turns. They look at each other.
GUS
slowly exits, left.
BEN
slams his paper down on the bed and sits on it, head in hands.

GUS
(
entering
). It's going.

BEN
. What?

GUS
. The stove.

GUS
goes to his bed and sits.

I wonder who it'll be tonight.

Silence.

Eh, I've been wanting to ask you something.

BEN
(
putting his legs on the bed
). Oh, for Christ's sake.

GUS
. No. I was going to ask you something.

He rises and sits on
BEN’S
bed.

BEN
. What are you sitting on my bed for?

GUS
sits.

What's the matter with you? You're always asking me questions. What's the matter with you?

GUS
. Nothing.

BEN
. You never used to ask me so many damn questions. What's come over you?

GUS
. No, I was just wondering.

BEN
. Stop wondering. You've got a job to do. Why don't you just do it and shut up?

GUS
. That's what I was wondering about.

BEN
. What?

GUS
. The job.

BEN
. What job?

GUS
(
tentatively
). I thought perhaps you might know something.

BEN
looks at him.

I thought perhaps you – I mean – have you got any idea – who it's going to be tonight?

BEN
. Who what's going to be?

They look at each other.

GUS
(
at length
). Who it's going to be.

Silence.

BEN
. Are you feeling all right?

GUS
. Sure.

BEN
. Go and make the tea.

GUS
. Yes, sure.

GUS
exits, left,
BEN
looks after him. He then takes his revolver from under the pillow and checks it for ammunition.
GUS
re-enters.

The gas has gone out.

BEN
. Well, what about it?

GUS
. There's a meter.

BEN
. I haven't got any money.