Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald (Illustrated) (470 page)

CEC AND DICK: HAUNTED!

MR. W.: Yes. So Cousin Josephus and his ward, Miss Clara King, will come tomorrow morning to spend a few days. Then if the house proves all right he’ll buy it.

DICK: Miss Clara King — age, please.

MR. W.: HOW should I know?

DICK: What do you think?

MR. W.: HOW should I think?

DICK: Oh, like everyone else thinks.

MR. W.: Oh, she’s seventeen, I suppose.

DICK: Oh, a young kid. Light or dark?

MR. W.: I am sure I don’t know. Why the de —

CEC.: Tut, tut, papa, you must not use profane language.

MR. W.: I will use any language I want to.

(The telephone rings. Enter Hulda, who goes to the phone.)

HULDA: Hello — what’s that — I tank so — aw, this is me.
(Sits down.)
Oh, Mr. Wetherby, yes, he’s here — nothing is the matter with me, how are you? Oh, he bane fine. Yes I will get him.

MR. W.: Who are you talking to?

HULDA: There is a man wants to speak to you.

MR. W.:
(Goes to the phone.)
Hello — yes — yes — oh, that was that damned Swede girl. Yes, why Cousin Josephus, I didn’t expect you till tomorrow — yes — well — you will be up in fifteen minutes. Goodbye.
(Rings off. To children.)
Cousin Joseph has arrived unexpectedly. He and his ward are at the station now. See to their rooms — we have got to make a good impression.

CEC.: Very well, Father.

DICK: I can’t make beds with my weak back.

(Exit Dick and Cecile. Mr. W. sits down and picks up newspaper. Bell rings. Enter Hulda, running.)

MR. W.:
(Testily.)
What’s your name?

HULDA: Oh, I answer to “Hey” or any loud cry.

MR. W.: What are you always running through the house for?

Don’t you ever sit still?

HULDA: TO answer the bell.

MR. W.: Answer who?

HULDA: The bell —

MR. W.: What bell?

HULDA: The door bell —

MR. W.: Well answer it and don’t stand here talking.

(Exit Hulda, Mr. W. picks up paper, re-enter Hulda with card on plate.)

HULDA: Lady to see you sir.

MR. W.: A lady, what lady? Does she want me?

HULDA: Oh yes, she sayd you sant for her.

MR. W.: Oh yes, I remember.

HULDA: Who is she? I can’t read the card.

MR. W.: Never you mind who she is. Show her in. (
Takes card, exit Hulda.)

MR. W.: (
Reading from card.)
Madame Zada, fortune teller, astrologer, mind reader — hm, humbug!

(Enter Hulda followed by Madame Zada, who advances toward Mr. W. Exit Hulda.)

MME.: Well, Brother Peter.

MR. W.: Sh — sh —

MME.: What’s the matter, are you ashamed of me?

MR. W.: Not exactly, but if my children should know that my sister and their aunt was a fortune teller —

MME.: Well, I must earn my living. Since my husband’s desertion I have tried everything. I went back to my old profession of manicuring but I have lost the knack and there is money in fortune telling.

MR. W.: Well, here is why I sent for you. I have a prospective buyer for my house but he says that he has heard it is haunted.

MME.: Well, where do I come in?

MR. W.: Hold your horses. I want to ask you first if you think there is anything in spirits.

MME.: Well, they are all very well in moderation.

MR. W.: What do you mean?

MME.: Of course I am not a drinking woman myself, but —

MR. W.: NO, no, I mean ghosts.

MME.: Ghosts?

MR. W.: DO you believe in them?

MME.: If there is money in it.

MR. W.: Well if there should be by any chance a ghost in this house do you think you could argue with it with your second sight — er — persuade it to shift its base of operations, discourage it, give it a cash bonus — anything to get rid of it. I can’t afford to have a ghost around here.

MME.: IS it violent?

MR. W.: HOW should I know, do you think I wrestle with it?

MME.: YOU want me to make sure if there is one?

MR. W.: Exactly. I want you to stay in the house tonight. I am sure the ghost would be open to an agreement of some kind.

MME.: NO doubt, no doubt, and what would I get?

MR. W.: Money, money, everybody wants it. I wish it was all in Hades.

MME.: Peter, I see you are still profane. Some day you will have an apparition or something and that will cure you.

MR. W.: Well, be sure I’ll fully recompense you. Is it a bargain?

MME.: Very well.

MR. W.: We will go to my study to arrange the details of the hunt.

(They go out — the bell rings. Hulda shows in Josephus and Clara. Cecile and Dickie enter from the opposite side.)

DICK: Ah, Mr. Hendrix and Miss King!

CEC.: Cousin Josephus!

CLARA: How do you do, Mr. Wetherby and Miss Wetherby, I suppose?

JO.: Ah, good evening, good evening! Tee hee, your father, eh, where is the sly old fox?

DICK: Let us show you to your rooms first, you must be tired.

This way, sir.

(They all go out left.)

(Enter William Chapman. He wears an overcoat and a slouch hat.)

WILL:
(Calls.)
Auntie, oh, Miss Spigot.
(Takes of his coat and hat, disclosing a devil suit such as those worn at masquerades.)
Well that was the slowest dance and I felt like a fool in this costume. (
Sits down.)
Oh, it’s good to be home. I wonder where Auntie is.
(Enter Hulda.)
Oh, just tell your mistress I am here.
(Hulda screams and rushes out.)
Well, I’ll be darned. Is the woman crazy? I wonder where I could get a drink of water. I think I’ll explore.

(Exit on left. Enter Hulda from right. She turns on the light.)

HULDA: Well, for the love of St. Olaf, I must have been dreaming. I bane thought I saw Old Nick himself. Oh, my heart’s beating like when Ole kissed me last night. What’s this? Mr. Wetherby’s hat and coat. I’ll take them to his room.

(Picks u-p Will’s hat and coat and goes out. Enter Will.)

WILL: Hello, someone turned the lights on. I wonder where my aunt is. This looks strange. Why, what’s this picture, and this, and where are all the old ones?
(Walks around.)
Why this doesn’t look familiar. I wonder if it could be the wrong house. No, the cabby told me this was 225 Greenbriar Street. Let’s see if I have the address right.
(Takes card jrom pocket.)
What — what — what — 225 Greenwood Place? Good Heavens, I am in the wrong house.
(Looks around frantically
.) Where is that coat? Oh Lord, it’s gone, and me in this costume. I say, I must find my coat.

(Exit on left. Enter Clara and Josephus on right.)

JO.: Well, Clara, how do you like the house?

CLARA: Oh, it’s so so. But I don’t see that it’s any better than the one we have now, unless you want more room.

JO.:
(Not hearing.)
Hey?

CLARA: I say unless you want room.

JO.: Wash room? Where, I don’t see it.

CLARA: NO I say, why do you want this house?

JO.: Ah yes, well I’ll tell you a secret. The Red Wing, Stillwater and Minneapolis Railroad Company are going to put a spur through here, and they will have to buy this property. I thought if I could get the house cheap it would be a good investment to snap it up quick.

CLARA: Why, I don’t think that is a bit nice.

JO.: Hey?

CLARA: I say that isn’t very nice.

JO.: Ah yes, yes, it is very nice. And that isn’t all. If I can prove that the house is haunted it will greatly decrease its value and I can insist on a very low price.

CLARA: What do you mean?

JO.: Simply this — I went to a costumer yesterday and bought a devil suit, red cloth with horns and all, you know. While I am here I shall prowl around in this suit and let some of the people see me. Then I’ll insist the house is haunted. He! He!

CLARA: Why, this is criminal, I won’t allow it.

JO.: You must remember you are my ward.

CLARA: Well, please do not cheat these people.

JO.: Tut, tut, child! —

(Enter Mr. Wetherby.)

MR.
W.:
Well, Cousin Josephus, how are you, stingy as ever?

JO.: Hey, Cousin Peter?

MR. W.: I say, are you stingy as ever?

JO.: I don’t quite hear you.

MR. W.: I see you don’t.

JO.: Hey? Oh yes, this is my ward, Miss Clara King.

MR. W.: How de do, Miss King.

CLARA: HOW do you do.

(Enter Dickie.)

MR. W.:
(TO Jo.)
And now you and I can go in the library and talk business, Cousin Josephus.

JO.: Surely, ah —

MR. W.:
(Crossing to Dickie.)
Amuse little Miss King, won’t you, Dickie?

DICK:
(Dejectedly.)
I suppose I’ll have to.

(Exit Wetherby and Josephus.)

DICK:
(Crossing to Clara, patronizingly.)
Hello, Clara.

CLARA: Hello — Dickie.

DICK:
(Taken back.)
How are — are you?

CLARA: I am quite well, thank you. How are you?

DICK: I’m never very well but I’m as well as one can expect; then one’s hay-fever comes on tomorrow. Ah, you live in St. Joseph, Missouri, don’t you?

CLARA: Yes.

DICK: HOW long have you lived in the United States?

CLARA: Sir!

DICK: I beg your pardon. It slipped out.
(Aside.)
How shall I amuse her?
(To Clara.)
I suppose you must have awfully good times there with your — ah, little playmates?

CLARA:
(Carelessly.)
Yes, we manage to scare up sufficient amusement. I suppose you have fun here playing baseball and football with the other boys?

DICK: Ah yes, I fancy I am a little beyond that now, but I — ER —

“sed to, before my health took a turn — and all that.

CLARA: Ah, you used to? Since you put on long trousers, I suppose?

DICK: (
Changing the subject hurriedly.)
Would you like some lemonade, er — Clara, Miss Clara?

CLARA: NO, thank you.

DICK: Some cake or candy?

CLARA: NO, but
(confidentially)
have you a cigaret?

DICK:
(Startled.)
Ha, er
(looks around and draws chair closer).

Where did you say you lived?

CLARA: St. Joseph.

DICK: And they say Missouri is slow. I am sorry I have no cigarets with me and I don’t allow anyone to smoke my pipe. Shall I get you a cigar?

CLARA: NO, don’t bother. I had a cigaret at the depot and I have some in my room.

DICK: Whew!

CLARA: What did you say?

DICK: I said that is a pretty brooch you have on.

CLARA: It ought to be, I traded in three engagement rings for it. It got me in more trouble —

(Enter Wetherby and Josephus from right.)

(Enter Hulda from left.)

MR. W.: Well, then if the house proves unhaunted you give me ten thousand for it.

JO.: Yes, I have it right here and otherwise —
(Shrugs his shoulders.)
I’ll entrust it to your son for safekeeping —

MR. W.: Come, Dickie, and show Mr. Hendrix to his room.

(Wetherby and Hendrix go out. Clara goes to door.)

CLARA: Ta, ta, Dickie.

DICK: Good evening, Miss King.
(Exit Clara.)
A beautiful girl in the house and my hay-fever starts tomorrow.

(Dickie shakes his head and goes out.)

(Window slowly opens.)

(Enter Second Story Salle — whistles.)

(Enter Hulda.)

S. S.S.: Hello?

HULDA: I guess I left the window open all right?

S.S.S.: Yes. Well, what’s the dope?

HULDA: There’s a gentleman visiting here who has given ten thousand dollars to Mr. Dickie to keep for him.

S. S. S.: Ten thousand dollars?

HULDA: Yes.

S. S. S.: And who has it?