Complete Plays, The (319 page)

Bertram

Nothing of me, has a’?

Second Lord

His confession is taken, and it shall be read to his face: if your lordship be in’t, as I believe you are, you must have the patience to hear it.

Enter Parolles guarded, and First Soldier

Bertram

A plague upon him! muffled! he can say nothing of me: hush, hush!

First Lord

Hoodman comes! Portotartarosa

First Soldier

He calls for the tortures: what will you say without ’em?

Parolles

I will confess what I know without constraint: if ye pinch me like a pasty, I can say no more.

First Soldier

Bosko chimurcho.

First Lord

Boblibindo chicurmurco.

First Soldier

You are a merciful general. Our general bids you answer to what I shall ask you out of a note.

Parolles

And truly, as I hope to live.

First Soldier

[Reads]
 
‘First demand of him how many horse the duke is strong.’ What say you to that?

Parolles

Five or six thousand; but very weak and unserviceable: the troops are all scattered, and the commanders very poor rogues, upon my reputation and credit and as I hope to live.

First Soldier

Shall I set down your answer so?

Parolles

Do: I’ll take the sacrament on’t, how and which way you will.

Bertram

All’s one to him. What a past-saving slave is this!

First Lord

You’re deceived, my lord: this is Monsieur Parolles, the gallant militarist,— that was his own phrase,— that had the whole theoric of war in the knot of his scarf, and the practise in the chape of his dagger.

Second Lord

I will never trust a man again for keeping his sword clean. nor believe he can have every thing in him by wearing his apparel neatly.

First Soldier

Well, that’s set down.

Parolles

Five or six thousand horse, I said,— I will say true,— or thereabouts, set down, for I’ll speak truth.

First Lord

He’s very near the truth in this.

Bertram

But I con him no thanks for’t, in the nature he delivers it.

Parolles

Poor rogues, I pray you, say.

First Soldier

Well, that’s set down.

Parolles

I humbly thank you, sir: a truth’s a truth, the rogues are marvellous poor.

First Soldier

[Reads]
 
‘Demand of him, of what strength they are a-foot.’ What say you to that?

Parolles

By my troth, sir, if I were to live this present hour, I will tell true. Let me see: Spurio, a hundred and fifty; Sebastian, so many; Corambus, so many; Jaques, so many; Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick, and Gratii, two hundred and fifty each; mine own company, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two hundred and fifty each: so that the muster-file, rotten and sound, upon my life, amounts not to fifteen thousand poll; half of the which dare not shake snow from off their cassocks, lest they shake themselves to pieces.

Bertram

What shall be done to him?

First Lord

Nothing, but let him have thanks. Demand of him my condition, and what credit I have with the duke.

First Soldier

Well, that’s set down.

[Reads]
 
‘You shall demand of him, whether one Captain Dumain be i’ the camp, a Frenchman; what his reputation is with the duke; what his valour, honesty, and expertness in wars; or whether he thinks it were not possible, with well-weighing sums of gold, to corrupt him to revolt.’ What say you to this? what do you know of it?

Parolles

I beseech you, let me answer to the particular of the inter’gatories: demand them singly.

First Soldier

Do you know this Captain Dumain?

Parolles

I know him: a’ was a botcher’s ’prentice in Paris, from whence he was whipped for getting the shrieve’s fool with child,— a dumb innocent, that could not say him nay.

Bertram

Nay, by your leave, hold your hands; though I know his brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls.

First Soldier

Well, is this captain in the duke of Florence’s camp?

Parolles

Upon my knowledge, he is, and lousy.

First Lord

Nay look not so upon me; we shall hear of your lordship anon.

First Soldier

What is his reputation with the duke?

Parolles

The duke knows him for no other but a poor officer of mine; and writ to me this other day to turn him out o’ the band: I think I have his letter in my pocket.

First Soldier

Marry, we’ll search.

Parolles

In good sadness, I do not know; either it is there, or it is upon a file with the duke’s other letters in my tent.

First Soldier

Here ’tis; here’s a paper: shall I read it to you?

Parolles

I do not know if it be it or no.

Bertram

Our interpreter does it well.

First Lord

Excellently.

First Soldier

[Reads]
 
‘Dian, the count’s a fool, and full of gold,’—

Parolles

That is not the duke’s letter, sir; that is an advertisement to a proper maid in Florence, one Diana, to take heed of the allurement of one Count Rousillon, a foolish idle boy, but for all that very ruttish: I pray you, sir, put it up again.

First Soldier

Nay, I’ll read it first, by your favour.

Parolles

My meaning in’t, I protest, was very honest in the behalf of the maid; for I knew the young count to be a dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale to virginity and devours up all the fry it finds.

Bertram

Damnable both-sides rogue!

First Soldier

[Reads]
 
‘When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and take it;
After he scores, he never pays the score:
Half won is match well made; match, and well make it;
He ne’er pays after-debts, take it before;
And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this,
Men are to mell with, boys are not to kiss:
For count of this, the count’s a fool, I know it,
Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.
Thine, as he vowed to thee in thine ear,
Parolles.’

Bertram

He shall be whipped through the army with this rhyme in’s forehead.

Second Lord

This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold linguist and the armipotent soldier.

Bertram

I could endure any thing before but a cat, and now he’s a cat to me.

First Soldier

I perceive, sir, by the general’s looks, we shall be fain to hang you.

Parolles

My life, sir, in any case: not that I am afraid to die; but that, my offences being many, I would repent out the remainder of nature: let me live, sir, in a dungeon, i’ the stocks, or any where, so I may live.

First Soldier

We’ll see what may be done, so you confess freely; therefore, once more to this Captain Dumain: you have answered to his reputation with the duke and to his valour: what is his honesty?

Parolles

He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister: for rapes and ravishments he parallels Nessus: he professes not keeping of oaths; in breaking ’em he is stronger than Hercules: he will lie, sir, with such volubility, that you would think truth were a fool: drunkenness is his best virtue, for he will be swine-drunk; and in his sleep he does little harm, save to his bed-clothes about him; but they know his conditions and lay him in straw. I have but little more to say, sir, of his honesty: he has every thing that an honest man should not have; what an honest man should have, he has nothing.

First Lord

I begin to love him for this.

Bertram

For this description of thine honesty? A pox upon him for me, he’s more and more a cat.

First Soldier

What say you to his expertness in war?

Parolles

Faith, sir, he has led the drum before the English tragedians; to belie him, I will not, and more of his soldiership I know not; except, in that country he had the honour to be the officer at a place there called Mile-end, to instruct for the doubling of files: I would do the man what honour I can, but of this I am not certain.

First Lord

He hath out-villained villany so far, that the rarity redeems him.

Bertram

A pox on him, he’s a cat still.

First Soldier

His qualities being at this poor price, I need not to ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.

Parolles

Sir, for a quart d’ecu he will sell the fee-simple of his salvation, the inheritance of it; and cut the entail from all remainders, and a perpetual succession for it perpetually.

First Soldier

What’s his brother, the other Captain Dumain?

Second Lord

Why does be ask him of me?

First Soldier

What’s he?

Parolles

E’en a crow o’ the same nest; not altogether so great as the first in goodness, but greater a great deal in evil: he excels his brother for a coward, yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is: in a retreat he outruns any lackey; marry, in coming on he has the cramp.

First Soldier

If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray the Florentine?

Parolles

Ay, and the captain of his horse, Count Rousillon.

First Soldier

I’ll whisper with the general, and know his pleasure.

Parolles

[Aside]
 
I’ll no more drumming; a plague of all drums! Only to seem to deserve well, and to beguile the supposition of that lascivious young boy the count, have I run into this danger. Yet who would have suspected an ambush where I was taken?

First Soldier

There is no remedy, sir, but you must die: the general says, you that have so traitorously discovered the secrets of your army and made such pestiferous reports of men very nobly held, can serve the world for no honest use; therefore you must die. Come, headsman, off with his head.

Parolles

O Lord, sir, let me live, or let me see my death!

First Lord

That shall you, and take your leave of all your friends.

Unblinding him

So, look about you: know you any here?

Bertram

Good morrow, noble captain.

Second Lord

God bless you, Captain Parolles.

First Lord

God save you, noble captain.

Second Lord

Captain, what greeting will you to my Lord Lafeu? I am for France.

First Lord

Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnet you writ to Diana in behalf of the Count Rousillon? an I were not a very coward, I’ld compel it of you: but fare you well.

Exeunt Bertram and Lords

First Soldier

You are undone, captain, all but your scarf; that has a knot on’t yet

Parolles

Who cannot be crushed with a plot?

First Soldier

If you could find out a country where but women were that had received so much shame, you might begin an impudent nation. Fare ye well, sir; I am for France too: we shall speak of you there.

Exit with Soldiers

Parolles

Yet am I thankful: if my heart were great,
’Twould burst at this. Captain I’ll be no more;
But I will eat and drink, and sleep as soft
As captain shall: simply the thing I am
Shall make me live. Who knows himself a braggart,
Let him fear this, for it will come to pass
that every braggart shall be found an ass.
Rust, sword? cool, blushes! and, Parolles, live
Safest in shame! being fool’d, by foolery thrive!
There’s place and means for every man alive.
I’ll after them.

Exit

S
CENE
IV. F
LORENCE
. T
HE
W
IDOW
’
S
HOUSE
.

Enter Helena, Widow, and Diana

Helena

That you may well perceive I have not wrong’d you,
One of the greatest in the Christian world
Shall be my surety; ’fore whose throne ’tis needful,
Ere I can perfect mine intents, to kneel:
Time was, I did him a desired office,
Dear almost as his life; which gratitude
Through flinty Tartar’s bosom would peep forth,
And answer, thanks: I duly am inform’d
His grace is at Marseilles; to which place
We have convenient convoy. You must know
I am supposed dead: the army breaking,
My husband hies him home; where, heaven aiding,
And by the leave of my good lord the king,
We’ll be before our welcome.

Widow

Gentle madam,
You never had a servant to whose trust
Your business was more welcome.

Helena

Nor you, mistress,
Ever a friend whose thoughts more truly labour
To recompense your love: doubt not but heaven
Hath brought me up to be your daughter’s dower,
As it hath fated her to be my motive
And helper to a husband. But, O strange men!
That can such sweet use make of what they hate,
When saucy trusting of the cozen’d thoughts
Defiles the pitchy night: so lust doth play
With what it loathes for that which is away.
But more of this hereafter. You, Diana,
Under my poor instructions yet must suffer
Something in my behalf.

Diana

Let death and honesty
Go with your impositions, I am yours
Upon your will to suffer.